AN: I am a big fan of the Dixie Chicks and was driving back to school after Thanksgiving (a six to seven hour drive where at least four hours are spend on Highway 5, passing cows and abandoned farming land) and this song came on. It was written by and about Martie Maguire and Emily Robison (who are sisters, and members of the Dixie Chicks) and their fertility issues. It made me think of what Brooke is going through now. This is slightly AU, but for the most part follows the storyline. For some reason this storyline has touched me and I really wanted to write fic about it. It seems as if people are angry with Julian and while I think that he is an idiot, he really does love Brooke. While I have never faced fertility issues (not married, not pregnant, never been either) I did some research so have tried to make this as realistic as possible both medically and psychologically. But I have taken some liberties and creative license. Oh! And there is a lot of swearing in this (I swear like a sailor) but I didn't want to rate this story M because other than the swearing it does not really constitute an M rating. If swearing bothers you, don't read this fic.

Disclaimer: One Tree Hill and its characters belongs to the CW and to Mark Schwann. The song the "So Hard" belongs to the Dixie Chicks and their record company. The following is a story that is written for purely entertainment purposes, no profit will be made from this story.

Back when we started

We didn't know how hard it was

Living on nothing

But what the wind would bring to us

Struggling would not be the word they would use to describe their lives. A struggle implies trying to escape from something. The actual definition of a struggle is "to make a violent or forceful effort to get free of restraint or constriction"

They may not be living lives of luxury but the were happy and did not feel any necessity to be "freed" from their lifestyle.

"Hey babe" Julian said as his wife of three months walked through the door of their small (or modest as Brooke would say) apartment. "hey hun" Brooke responded whipping sweat off her forehead before collapsing on the couch next to her husband, resting her head on his shoulder. "Tired?" Julian asked smirking down at Brooke. "mmmmm" she replied closing her eyes and sighing. She was working long, seemingly endless hours at BCBG. She had recently moved out of the mailroom and was actually designing clothing. "we had a ton of meetings today all about what the 'image' for the spring line will be, colors, patterns, fabrics, blah, blah, blah. I still can't get over designing clothes for next spring this summer. But they said that they loved everything I was currently working on. Who knows by next year my name might actually appear on a label". Julian ran his hands up and down Brooks bare arm sending shivers throughout her body as he always did when he touched her. "How was your day" her raspy voice asked him. Julian sighed, "reading scripts and writing summaries, as usual. What do you want to do for dinner" he asked as he got up forcing Brooke to fall onto the couch leaving her to shout, "hey!"

Julian walked into the kitchen and began to open cabinets seeing what they had to offer. He had just put on water for Annie's Mac and Cheese (Brooke insisted upon Annie's because it was made with cheese that did not glow in the dark) when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist. "Mac and Cheese? Again?" Brooke asked "how about Thai?" she inquired already knowing the answer. "Brooke," Julian said as he turned around wrapping his arms around Brooke's tiny waist "we don't get our paychecks for two weeks, and we can't afford to order in when we have perfectly good food in our apartment". Brooke rolled her eyes smiling. If you had told her in high school that she would be living in a small, one bedroom, fifth floor walk-up with no air conditioning and eating boxed macaroni she would have laughed. If you told her she would be doing all of that happily, she would have slapped you. Brooke stood on her tip-toes capturing Julian's mouth with hers before moving to lightly bite his ear. "What do you say we skip dinner, and go straight to dessert? I am dying to get out of these hot clothes" she raspily whispered. With his should be illegal grin Julian reached passed his wife and turned off the water. I one swift movement he picked up Brooke slamming his lips into hers as she wraped her legs around his waist. The pair laughed as he carried her to the bedroom, slamming the door behind them.

Now we've got something

I can imagine fighting for

So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

They had been married for five years now and were both successful in their carriers. They had decided to move back to Brooke's home of Tree Hill after realizing while they loved their jobs the pressures of being an "it" couple and constantly being hounded by the paparazzi was too much. With the wonders of modern technology they were able to live in the small southern town while tele-commuting between New York or LA and flying there when necessary. They were able to live relatively normal lives while still achieving their dreams. Brooke and Julian were delighted that they got to spend time with friends, going to pool parties and back yard barbeques. Brooke loved being able to watch her godson Jamie and later her goddaughter Sawyer grow up.

But things had become stressful in their otherwise happy lives. A year and a half ago they had decided to expand their family. And they had thus far been unsuccessful. A year after they started trying the two went to a fertility clinic just outside of Denver. Not only was it the best clinic in the country but it was also away from the prying eyes of the media - a media who had been asking when Brulian, as they had been dubbed, would have a baby. The last thing they needed was for photos to appear of them entering clinics. Hormone shots, basil thermometers and scheduled sex now ran their lives.

It had been a long day at work for both of them. Brooke was trying to get the sketches for her fall line done while Julian spent the entire day on conference calls about a movie that was set to begin filming in Toronto in three weeks. Julian walked through the door to their large beach house and dropped his bag on the floor. He watched his un-believably sexy wife as she sat at the island in the middle of the kitchen working on her designs. The light was streaming through the large French doors enveloping Brooke in an angelic glow. Julian smirked to himself when he thought of Brooke as an angel. She may look like an angle to the outside world but when they were alone-in the bedroom-she anything but "angelic". It had been weeks since they had sex, and now it seemed as if all sexual acts were purely to conceive a child. Not that he didn't enjoy trying, but scheduled sex kinda took the "drop everything screw on the dining room table cuz you just can't wait to get to the bedroom" aspect out of it.

He crossed the room to stand behind his wife leaning down to kiss her on the neck, a favorite spot of hers. "Julian" Brooke said giggling and turning around to face him. "God your fucking sexy" Julian said slamming his lips to Brooke's and sliding his hands up under her blouse to caress her lower back. "mmmmph" Brooke exclaimed as she moved her face away from Julian's and pushed his hands down and out from under her shirt. "Listen babe, I'm not supposed to start ovulating for another three days. I even checked this morning, and I'm not ovulating yet." Julian pulled back looking at Brooke, "so what, we can't have sex?"

Brooke stood up walking around Julian, in an attempt to avoid his previously roving hands. "You know what Dr. Drummond said. We are not supposed to have sex right before I ovulate. We have to wait. For gods sakes Julian it's only three days. I thought you wanted to get pregnant". Julian rolled his eyes and through his hands up in the air. "I do!" he exclaimed aggravated. "I just want to be able to come home after a long day and make love to my wife without having to worry about your basil temperature or where the fuck you are in your cycle."

"And you think I don't?!" Brooke screamed, "You don't think I wish that we could just conceive a child already? That I enjoy scheduling sex? Or taking my temperature every few hours? Or injecting by body with hormones? Obviously not Julian but it is what I am willing to do in order to get pregnant. All I am asking of you is that you keep it in your fucking pants for three days. Jesus are you such a nympho that you can't wait for three days?" Julian let out exasperated moan "Its always three days Brooke, or seven, or nine. I don't remember the last time we actually had fun when we had sex. There is never any adventure to it anymore, never any spontaneity or heat. And its not like I can even jack-off anymore in case I 'waste my best sperm' you're the one who can't get pregnant, yet I am being punished!"

Brooke's eyes got wide, and her skin paled about three shades. She looked like she had just been slapped. It felt as if her heart had been ripped out of her body leaving a gaping bleeding hole. She began to shake as she stared at Julian. "Brooke-" Julian began feeling true remorse for what had just come out of his mouth. "No," Brooke whispered tears now silently flowing down her face, "Don't. Just, don't" Brooke silently walked to the bedroom door, shutting and locking it behind her sliding down the door. Julian was left standing in the middle of the kitchen listening to his wife's sobs, feeling like things would never be the same.

And sometimes I don't have the energy

To prove everybody wrong

And I try my best to be strong

But you know it's so hard

It's so hard

She sat on the floor leaning against the bathtub, her arms hugging her knees which were drawn up to her chest. She was holding a little white plastic stick sobbing. One line. One. Fucking. Line. In two years she had taken four pregnancy tests, all negative. A soft knock on the door woke Brooke from her thoughts. "Brooke, Brooke can you open the door please?" Haley's soft voice came through the door. Brooke began to breath quickly and erratically, trying in vain to stop the tears from falling. "Brooke if you don't let us in we will just take the door off its hinges, and I don't think Julian will appreciate having to fix the bedroom door". The pair had come over twenty minuets before, picking up Brooke for their "girls day out". She had made the mistake of telling them she thought she was pregnant which had prompted Peyton to run out and buy a pregnancy test, insisting that she take it before they leave. Brooke now regretted giving in to that peer pressure.

Wiping her eyes and taking a deep shaky breath Brooke opened the door, but not before tossing the negative pregnancy test. "Hey guys" Brooke began with a watery smile, "look, I love you two but I have a bad headache and don't think I am up to lunch and shopping today. Can I take a rain check?" Haley and Peyton exchanged looks before answering with a synchronized "no". "We won't go out," Haley elaborated, "we'll order pizza, watch a movie or whatever, but we are not going to leave you alone." Brooke shook her head "I'm really fine guys. I've been through this before okay? It's no big deal, it's not like it changes anything" Brooke pushes past her friends to enter her bedroom and skinning on to her bed.

"Brooke stop pretending this doesn't affect you. Like you're not hurt by all of this." Peyton demanded following Brooke briskly into the bedroom and sitting on one side of her. Haley walked slowly behind her, unable to move as fast as Peyton in her current state. "Talk to us. We're your best friends and we want to help you." Brook looked at Haley's expanding stomach, forcing herself to not think about the fact that Haley and Nathan would most likely be welcoming their second child before Brooke and Julian were able to get pregnant with their first. "There is not much you guys can do. I'm fine, okay?"

Haley and Peyton were at a lack of words. They had watched their best friend struggle and suffer for two years. At first she had been so hopeful. So excited about the prospect of getting pregnant, and having children. Since they had gone to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine a year ago, and received the news that Brooke only had a 25% chance of conceiving a child, her hope seemed to have dwindled significantly. As had their attendance at family get-togethers. When they did attend Brooke seemed distant, standing in the background, watching the children run around and plastering her face with fake smiles.

"I'm sorry" Haley suddenly broke the silence. Brooke looked over to Haley clearly confused, "why are you sorry Haley?" Haley paused looking down at her belly, "I'm sorry that I am pregnant, that Nathan and I have two children, well one and a half". Brooke looked at Haley is surprise. "Haley, you don't need to apologize just because you can get pregnant. I love having godchildren and nieces and nephews." She looked at Peyton "and before you say anything, don't you apologize for having a child either. I love having Sawyer and Jamie, and with this baby" Brooke continued rubbing Haley's belly "I will have another child to spoil, hop up on sugar and return to you. And if this one is a girl I have another person to teach how to accessorize, cuz no offence Hales but without me your children would wear a lot of knitted clothing". Haley gasped in mock offence and then smiled happy her friend was still able to crack jokes. A silence overtook the three again before Haley stated, "I'm still sorry, not that I'm pregnant, but that you and Julian are so sad. We miss you Brooke Davis…Baker". Brooke nodded wiping the tears that had once again escaped her eyes. Silence again over took the group before Peyton leaped up from the bed.

"Weeeeeeeellll before this becomes a sob fest, lets go downstairs, put in Blades of Glory and eat butter pecan ice cream until we puke" Peyton exclaimed, pulling Brooke up off the bed. "Can we add Vodka Cran to that list" Brooke inquired, "just cran for you preggers" she said to Haley who rolled her eyes. "Of course we can, you fire up the movie and I'll grab the rest from the kitchen," Peyton said ushering them out of the bedroom. The three girls walked down stairs, prepared for their "girls day in", hoping that a day of alcohol, sugar and funny movies could at least temporarily lift Brooke's spirits, and bring back a little of the girl they had all but lost.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard when it doesn't come fast

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard

It felt like a given

Something a woman's born to do

A natural ambition

To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty

If that was a gift I couldn't give

And could you be happy

If life wasn't how we pictured it

Despite being the south, North Carolina got cold in the winter, especially on the coast. But the cold wind didn't bother her as she sat outside on one of their many decks listening to the waves crash against the beach. It was 3AM and she had yet to fall asleep, plagued by her thoughts. This had become a pattern for her, not sleeping. She would wake up (if she had even been sleeping in the first place) with thoughts of what may never be spinning around her head at break neck speeds and quietly slip out of bed to the patio. The biting wind had a numbing effect. As it began to numb her body, her mind seemed to slow down too…well, sometimes.

Tonight she was plagued with thoughts of her high school sex ed. class. She clearly remembered the teacher, Mr. Heath (a creepy middle aged man with a receding hair line and greasy skin who seemed to love drawing slightly pornographic images on the whiteboard) telling the class that a females' body is biologically engendered to make and carry babies. It was supposed to be a warning, a hint that teen pregnancy could (and would) happen to them if they chose to have unprotected sex. At the time it was something Brooke thought very little of. Now it was something she thought about all the time. She was supposed to have babies. It was her bodies' role. After all, Peyton had Sawyer and Haley had Jamie and, as of four months ago Katharine Brooke Scott. Her friends did not even have to try to get pregnant. Jamie and Sawyer were surprises, albeit delightful ones, and Katie was conceived a month after Haley and Nathan decided they wanted to give Jamie a sibling. It seemed to Brooke as if her body was the only one that had failed. She was the only one to have failed.

She felt a pair of warm muscular arms wrap around her shoulders and a kiss placed on her temple, "what are you doing up baby?" Julian's voice asked, thick with sleep. Brooke sighed before looking up at Julian with blood-shot sleep deprived eyes, eyes that did not quite meet her spouse's "nothing" she responded attempting to wave off his concerned face, "just thinking. Go back to bed". Julian moved to the front of the chair his wife currently occupied before bending down to look her straight in the eyes, "not until you tell me what has had you out here at 3AM for the past week, and not until you join me" Julian demanded.

Brooke didn't respond for what felt like hours. Looking down at the wooden boards of the balcony she quietly croaked out, "I'm sorry". Julian looked at his sleep-deprived wife confused and concerned. "What on earth do you have to apologize for" he asked her brows furrowed. Brooke closed her eyes, pushing back the tears that threatened to fall. She had cried so much over the past two and a half years that her eyes burned almost constantly. With a shakey breath Brooke answered, "I'm sorry I can't give you children". "Brooke" Julian began only to be cut off by a question Brooke had to ask. One that could change both of their lives forever, "if you had known when we met eight years ago. If-if you had know that I…that I couldn't…that I wouldn't be able to…if you had known I couldn't have children would you still have gone out with me? Would you have been able to love me and….and marry me?" Julian opened his mouth to answer but his wife cut him off again, lifting her head and finally looking into his eyes "Cuz if not I understand. If you want to leave me I get it. Just because I can't have our dream doesn't mean you shouldn't have it. I promised you children on our wedding day and I can't live up to that. You should find someone who can. I love you and I don't want to see you sacrifice your happiness for me". Brooke lowered her head again playing with her wedding and engagement rings, unable to look in her husbands eyes the moment he decides to leave her.

Julian was stunned into silence. He stared at his wife in shock. How the hell could she think that he would leave her? "Brooke," he put his fingers under her chin, lifting her head so he was once again looking at her face, wiping away the tears that streamed down. " I love you. YOU are my dream. You gave me everything I wanted the day I got down on one knee on the ice rink in Rockefeller Center and you agreed to spend the rest of your life with me. It is not you whose having difficulty getting pregnant it is us. Your problems are my problems-always. I will never ever leave you. If you get pregnant great! If we adopt, awesome! If we decide not to have children, fine! All I need to be happy is for you to be happy, and for you to be in my life. All I need I you." Brooke blinked back tears before stating the obvious, "but you want children" Julian sighed before pulling his wife in to a hug and pressing his lips into her hair, "and so do you. We'll figure everything out-together. Now come back to bed, your freezing and you're a pain when you get a cold-I can't imagine what you would be like with pneumonia". Brooke gave him a weak chuckle as he brought her into his chest walking her back to their bedroom. The two lay curled up under the covers, Julian holding his wife's shivering and shaking body to him until the pair fell asleep both hoping that their lives would turn out happily, even if it were not exactly as they had planned.

And sometimes I just want to wait it out

To prove everybody wrong

And I need your help to move on

Cause you know it's so hard

It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard when it doesn't come fast

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

So hard

I can live for the moment

When all these clouds open up for me to see

And show me a vision

Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me

That you can't remember

How to feel free

It had become a struggle, their lives together. They still loved each other more than anything in the world, would still lay down their lives for the other, but life was different. Three years of trying and two years of fertility treatments had taken a toll on the young couple. It had lead to therapy, to Brooke being diagnosed as clinically depressed and to Julian not being far behind. They were trying to work on it, to find the people and the couple they used to be but it was difficult, and it was painful.

"Julian, when you see yourself in a year what do you see? Not what do you want to see, but what do you actually see?" The red headed therapist asked tucking her hair behind her ear. Julian took a moment to look over at Brooke, who nodded giving him permission to speak freely. "I see more pain, more tears and more sleepless nights for both Brooke and I. I see her slipping farther away from me and deeper into her depression. I see us continuing to be chained to this idea of a baby. I see it destroying us". "And Brooke, what do you see?" Brooke looked at the therapist, purposely avoiding her husband's eyes, "I don't even know anymore. If I am being honest with myself I see more of what is going on now, there seems to be no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel"

It killed Julian to hear his wife talk like that. She used to be so full of hope, even when they were not getting pregnant she was so positive that it would happen eventually. Somewhere in the past three years he had lost that person.

"Now taking a baby out of the equation what is the one thing that you would wish for? Right now". Julian was broken out of his train of thought by that question. "I want my wife back. And the happiness and freedom we used to have in our relationship. I want to see her laugh again, and to laugh with her. I want to take spontaneous trips without having to worry about TSAs regulations on hormone injections. I want the Brooke Davis I fell in love with" Brooke cleared her throat before answering, "and I want to be her. I miss who I used to be. I miss who Julian used to be, and what that made us".

The therapist looked at the broken couple in front of her. Cases like this were always difficult because the people involved were not only trying to find what they meant to each other but also what they meant to themselves. Furthermore this case did not involve any infidelity, or lies it was about two people trying to piece back their broken relationship, and their hearts. "You went back to Denver last week to speak to the doctors about the next step, what did they say?" Neither spoke for half a minute, both wanting the other to break the news to their therapist. Finally Julian spoke, avoiding his wife's eyes, because looking at them when talking about the trip to Denver would just be too painful, "They want to move on to IVF, but they are worried about Brooke's health. There worried because she has lost weight and her stress levels are off the charts, I guess they have the same worries with me. They um," Julian cleared his throat preparing to say the sentence that had next to destroyed Brooke a little over a week ago, "they suggested that we take some time. Time to re-evaluate and to get physically and mentally healthy again before starting what will most likely be another long and difficult journey". Brooke took a shaky breath, staring down at her original C/B slate grey pencil skirt and brushing tears away. Hearing it again was difficult. Even her doctors were recommending that she wait before moving on to the next steps. Would she ever get a baby? "Brooke? What are your thoughts on that? It must have been difficult to hear" the therapist asked. "Ummm, I want a baby. Hearing that I may have to wait to even try was…is hard. But I don't want to loose Julian. I know that this has been hard on him too. I mean he has to deal with everything too. I don't know what to do". Brooke replied.

Julian looked over at his wife, "Brooke, how many times to I have to tell you? You. Are. Not. Going. To. Loose. Me. You could run through the streets of Tree Hill wearing nothing but a bright green boa singing the national anthem and you still wouldn't loose me. The therapist smiled at Julian's love for his wife. If this couple had one thing working for them, it was that they loved each other very deeply. "Julian what are your thoughts on the recent prognosis?" "Well I want a baby too, but the last thing I want to do is put Brooke's health in danger. We are still young, and I don't think waiting a year before we take these drastic steps could hurt. We could use that time to find each other again." The bell went off signaling the end to their session. "Well I think we talked about a lot today. Don't make any decisions yet, but I want you both to weigh out the pros and cons of each side. I'll see you both here on Monday for your individual sessions, have a good weekend".

The car ride home was silent, with just the whirring of the engine. Brooke looked out the passengers seat window watching as the world blew by. It was a gorgeous spring day in Tree Hill, and the residents were taking advantage of the weather. She watched as they passed a young couple walking by hand-in-hand and sighed audibly. Julian took his eyes off the road briefly to look over at his wife. She was tired, and pale. She had lost about fifteen pounds and had dark circles under her eyes. But she was still the most beautiful person he knew. He grabbed her hands forcing Brooke to look over at him. "I love you," she exclaimed causing him to smile widely. "I love you too, and we are going to be okay, you and I." Brooke smiled lightly and leaned over to kiss him on his cheek, nodding. The ride continued in silence both thinking of what their lives had become and knowing that as long as they had each other, they would be okay.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard when it doesn't come fast

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard