Prompt: "The Grand Line Olympics. Art or fic. Serious or crack. I would just like to see the Mugiwara Pirates competing against other pirate crews (Heart Pirates, Kid Pirates, Red Arrow Pirates, Foxy Pirates, etc...) in the Olympics. Pairings or no pairings, it doesn't matter."

(written 19 August 2012)

Smoker buried his head in his hands. He should have known that it would have only lead to disaster; he should have tried harder to get someone else to supervise the "OLYMPIC GAMES" the top brass decided to hold. It wasn't entirely his fault. After all, it wasn't like he came up with the idea of making pirates - by definition, a lawless bunch - compete in a bunch of highly-structured activities with no real purpose.

He lifted his face and squinted at the mounds of forms still to be filled out. Normally, he'd pass that duty on to Tashigi, but she was unconscious, after "accidentally" walking into a post without her glasses on. He was sure she'd done it intentionally, so she wouldn't have to deal with the FUBAR that had ensued, but he had no proof.

Resigned, he chomped on his cigars, grabbed the pen, and began to write.

"Name: Nami. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: theft of unawarded gold medals."

She held the spoils close to her body. After all, she had only played along for that long to get close to the unguarded, valuable, shiny discs on ribbons.

"Name: Franky. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: use of unauthorized chemical substance prior to event."

"Cola isn't doping!" he yelled as two burly Marines escorted him away.

"Name: Usopp. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to arrive."

He knew a bad idea when he saw one, so instead of competing in Archery - against other pirates who might feel he was a good target - he slipped back out to the Sunny.

"Name: Zoro. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to abide by regulations of fencing."

Nobody was going to take Wadou away from him and replace it with a flimsy blunted blade. Besides, how was he going to hold an "épée" in his mouth through the mask?

"Name: Sanji. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: assault on (disqualified) fellow competitor."

How was he to know that the officials would frown upon yet another fight with the marimo?

"Name: Brook. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to provide requested urine sample."

Eventually the nurse just let him leave, muttering something about 'insult to biology'.

"Name: Robin. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to arrive."

Reading about the history of the Olympics was so much more interesting than actually participating in them.

"Name: Luffy. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: interference in other events."

The quickest way to the finish was a straight line, through the arena. It was obvious. He didn't understand why everyone else in the race made a detour around the sand pits, parallel bars, and tennis nets.

"Name: Chopper. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to complete entire course."

As he was pulled out of the water, he reflected that signing up for a swimming event probably hadn't been the wisest decision.

Smoker set the pen down and glared at the remaining pile. That was one crew's papers completed, at least. Now he only had to fill out the same sheets for every other pirate who had attended.

"Name: Law. Crew: Heart Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason..."