The Worst Stories Ever Told Ever

~*~*~*~*~*~

Turtle Tot fiction! Master Splinter isn't feeling too well tonight….which, tragically means no bedtime story. But that not being able to read isn't

going to get the tots down-they'll just tell each OTHER stories! That should be easy enough, right?

……right?

Hallo, everyone! I have Finals all next week, so I'm basically going to spend every spare moment that doesn't have my nose trapped in a

book (And those moments will be scanty, I assure you) typing fanfiction. I really don't have too much time for it over the holidays….too much

shopping and worrying over the results of my finals to do too much. Gomen nasai. You may recognize the Jack and the Beanstalk poem-Roald Dahl

wrote it, actually.

And-this last tale-Leo's-is one my Bishop told our congregation a few holidays ago.

Quote:

"The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter."

~*~

Raph looked importantly around at his brothers.

"Alrighty....then....one morning, Mama Bear and Papa Bear were arguing about the latest bills, mainly because theirson kept running up absurd

phone calls to places like Tokyo."

"Why?"

"Huh?"

Raph frowned.

Leo shot Raph an immensely curious look.

"Why was he callin' Tokyo?"

The turtle clad in red rolled his eyes.

"Ask him, not me. Anyways, the two bears made up, then decided to eat their Chinese Cuisine they just ordered in. Mama Bear had let the

porridge burn by mistake, so they heated up leftovers from last night in their microwave oven.

But it was far too hot to eat, so Papa Bear suggested that they go on a walk-mainly because he was insecure about his own weight, and needed

to go on a diet, stat. So, humoring him, the other two bears went with him: Mama Bear, and five year old spoiled brat. Mama Bear also decided to

set the broom by the door, should anyone try to come in while they were away-and she locked the front door.

So, away they went-and that was when Brunettelocks came into the seen."

"Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! She goes in by the front door, right?"

Raph rolled his eyes.

"Uh-weren't cha listening? Mama bear locked it. Brunettelocks wasn't exactly bright, so she tried to headbutt the door down. After she recovered

somewhat from the brain trauma, she simply went in by unlocking the window.

There, she found three...uh....boxes of Chinese food. One marked, Papa, one marked Mama, and the last, Spoiled Brat.

She tried the first one, and found it was too full of MSG. Brunettelocks WAS on a diet, after all.

The second one was Moo Goo Gai Pan-and she wasn't too crazy about that either, so she simply helped herself to Spoiled Brat's eggrolls, which

were just right.

After throwing her weight around after she had technically broken and entered, Brunette locks decided to settle her tush on a chair.

The first one was Papa's-which he regularly used to watch Football on the TV. After finding that there was nothing to watch but informercials, and

the chair really was a little hard for her taste, she moved onto the next one-which happened to be a beanbag chair.

After sitting in it-and getting swallowed up whole-she dug herself out on her eleventh try, and decided to try the spoiled brat's chair-which, broke

shortly she sat on it, due to the fact that she'd had one egg roll too many at lunch, and now needed to go on a express diet.

However, Brunettelocks was too lazy to exercise, so she waltzed upstairs to take a nap.

Naturally, she chose the Spoiled Brat's bed, and began to snooze away just as the three bears came home, and found someone had been there.

After following the many clues that the slob had left behind, they tracked Brunettelocks upstairs, and were about to press charges with her with

the local FBI, but Brunettelocks paid for it all by using her Masters card, and then proposed a partnership with the Three Bears to open a Bed and

Breakfast.

Their business was so successful, they opened up a nationwide chain, and lived happily ever after-until, well, like all Hotel Chain owners, they

became visibly corrupt, and they countersued each other for the rights of said hotel chain, but they laughed about that later. The End."

Raph gave himself an improving nod as Don's mouth dropped.

"......think Sei-Sei will be well enough to tell us a story, soon....?

"Aw, c'mon! That was pure GENIUS!"

Mikey rolled his eyes.

"I didn't like it. It was dumb."

"Says who?"

"Says ME! And the national republic of the continental US!"

Raph scowled.

"Why, I oughta-"

Don's eyes glinted.

"I got a story for you....and, it RHYMES," he announced proudly, a large smile beginning to bloom on his features.

Raph turned to Don, looking slightly bewildered as he and Mikey continued to tussle with one another, Leo looking on with great interest.

"It rhymes? Cool, Don-what's it about?"

Don looked quite pleased with himself.

"'Jack and the Beanstalk."'

His brothers glanced at one another before bursting into giggles. Leo gave an anxious look at the neighboring wall and whispered, "Shhh!"

But no one came. With a sigh of relief, Leo turned to Don, looking somewhat skeptical.

"We've HEARD that story, Donny. Y'know-like 'Cinderella' and 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf?'

Mikey's eyes widened.

"What happens in THAT story?"

Raph rolled his eyes.

"Kid sent to guard sheep. Cries wolf, townsfolk come running. No wolf. Boy laughs. Wolf comes. Boy cries wolf. No one comes-kid runs from hungry

wolf, kid becomes wolf fo-"

Mikey shuddered.

"Yeah, yeah....I remember."

Don's brow creased slightly.

"Yeah....we HAVE heard this story before. Just not the way I TELL it."

~*~*~*~

"Jack's mother said, 'We're stony broke!
'Go out and find some wealthy bloke
'Who'll buy our cow. Just say she's sound
'And worth at least a hundred pound.
'But don't you dare to let him know
'That she's as old as billy-o.'
Jack led the old brown cow away,
And came back later in the day,
And said, 'Oh mumsie dear, guess what
'Your clever little boy has got.
'I got, I really don't know how,
'A super trade-in for our cow.
The mother said, 'You little creep,
'I'll bet you sold her much too cheap.'
When Jack produced one lousy bean,
His startled mother, turning green,
Leaped high up in the air and cried,
'I'm absolutely stupefied!
'You crazy boy! D'you really mean
'You sold our Daisy for a bean?'
She snatched the bean. She yelled, 'You chump!'
And flung it on the rubbish-dump.
Then summoning up all her power,
She yelled at the boy for half an hour,

Using something to elevate her tone-

Which happened to be a megaphone.

At ten p.m. or thereabout,
The little bean began to sprout.
By morning it had grown so tall
You couldn't see the top at all.
Young Jack cried, 'Mum, admit it now!
'It's better than a rotten cow!'
The mother said, 'You lunatic!
'Where are the beans that I can pick?
'There's not one bean! It's bare as bare!'
'No no!' cried Jack. 'You look up there!
'Look very high and you'll behold
'Each single leaf is solid gold!'
By gollikins, the boy was right!
Now, glistening in the morning light,
The mother actually perceives
A mass of lovely golden leaves!
She yells out loud, 'My sainted souls!
'I'll sell the Mini, buy a Rolls!
'Don't stand and gape, you little clot!
'Get up there quick and grab the lot!'
Jack was nimble, Jack was keen.
He scrambled up the mighty bean.
Up, up he went without a stop,
But just as he was near the top,
A ghastly frightening thing occurred --
Not far above his head he heard
A big deep voice, a rumbling thing
That made the very heavens ring.
It shouted loud, 'FEE FI FOFUM
'I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!'
Jack was frightened, Jack was quick,
And down he climbed in half a tick.
'Oh mum!' he gasped. 'Believe you me
'There's something nasty up our tree!
'I saw him, mum! My gizzard froze!
'A Giant with a clever nose!'
'A clever nose!' his mother hissed.
'You must be going round the twist!'
'He smelled me out, I swear it, mum!
'He said he smelled an Englishman!'
The mother said, 'And well he might!
'I've told you every single night
'To take a bath because you smell,
'But would you do it? Would you hell!
'You even make your mother shrink
'Because of your unholy stink!'
Jack answered, 'Well, if you're so clean
'Why don't you climb the crazy bean.'
The mother cried, 'By gad, I will!
'There's life within the old dog still!'
She hitched her skirts above her knee
And disappeared right up the tree.
Now would the Giant smell his mum?
Jack listened for the fee-fo-fum.
He gazed aloft. He wondered when
The dreaded words would come... And then...
From somewhere high above the ground
There came a frightful gulping sound.
He heard the Giant mutter twice,
'By gosh, that tasted very nice.
'Although' (and this in grumpy tones)
'I wish there weren't so many bones.'
'By Christopher!' Jack cried. 'By gum!
'The Giant's eaten up my mum!
'He smelled her out! She's in his belly!
'I had a hunch that she was smelly.'
Jack stood there gazing longingly
Upon the huge and golden tree.
He murmured softly, 'Golly-gosh,
'I guess I'll have to take a wash
'If I am going to climb this tree
'Without the Giant smelling me.
'In fact, a bath's my only hope...
He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap
He scrubbed his body everywhere.
He even washed and rinsed his hair.
He did his teeth, he blew his nose
And went out smelling like a rose.

Once more he climbed the mighty bean.
The Giant sat there, gross, obscene,
Muttering through his vicious teeth
(While Jack sat tensely just beneath),
Muttering loud, 'FEE FI FO FUM,
'RIGHT NOW I CAN'T SMELL ANYONE.'

Jack waited till the Giant slept,
Then out along the boughs he crept
And gathered so much gold, I swear
He was an instant millionaire.
'A bath,' he said, 'does seem to pay.
'I'm going to have one every day.'"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Don gave a self satisfied nod as Leo's mouth dropped in horror.

"That's IT? He swallowed Jack's MOM?"

The little Mr. Wizard looked a little uncertain.

"Uh...he threw her up, later. She had therapy-and is doing much better now."

Mikey's face contorted.

"Ewww.....she got thrown up by a GIANT? That. Is. So. Cool!"

Don giggled.

"YOU'D think so. Anyways, Leo-isn't it your turn, now?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Oh. That was right. Leo blinked.

He HAD picked the shortest straw....so it was his turn.

But he really didn't know of too many stories-at least, none of those which Splinter had already told him. Scratching his head for a moment or so,

Leo's countenance brightened somewhat.

"Once upon a time....I....um...."

Leo fidgeted nervously.

"It was....Christmas Eve....and, ah...."

Feeling three pairs of eyes on him, Leo began to feel anxious.

"Uh....okay. Once upon a time-not just any time, but Christmas Eve in....Atlanta, Georgia.....thirty years ago.

Our story takes place in an airport."

Raph cast his brothers a startled look, but said nothing. Leo continued.

"The previous night-the twenty-third-there had been an enormous snowfall. A....blizzard, I think you call it. Anyhoo, there wasn't one plane that

hadn't been delayed in some way, and, due to the difficulty in obtaining liftoff on the runways, there were thousands left behind in the airport-

with crying babies, frantic and angry people everywhere-and, when a plane COULD take off, only those with high priority seats could actually take

to the skies.

Except for a few passengers traveling in pairs, there was little conversation. A salesman stared into space, a young mother cradled an infant in her

arms and a man in a finely tailored gray flannel suit seemed impervious to the collective suffering. A person observing this busy man might have

identified him as an Ebenezer Scrooge. He was a wealthy business man heading to Louisiana, and he'd had the foresight to...uh...book a flight

first class. In a matter of an hour, he was going back to his mansion up North.

The relative silence and occasional chatterings between those traveling in pairs was broken by a man in green."

Mikey cast Leo a confused look.

"Why was he in green?"

Leo put a finger to his mouth.

"Uh....as I was saying.....suddenly, the relative silence was broken by a commotion. A young man in military uniform, no more than 19 years old,

was in animated conversation with the desk agent. The boy held a low-priority ticket. He pleaded with the agent to help him get to New Orleans

so that he could take the bus to the obscure Louisiana village he called home.

The clerk was really very sorry-but there was nothing he could do for the soldier. He dully said prospects were poor for the next 24 hours, maybe

longer.

The boy grew frantic. Immediately after Christmas his unit was to be sent to....some country – where at that time war was raging – and if he didn't

make this flight, he might never again spend Christmas at home."

The clerk was very moved....but there really was NOTHING that could be done.

Finally, the agent announced that the flight was ready for boarding. Travelers, who had been waiting hours, shuffled onto the plane until there

were no more seats. The agent turned to the frantic soldier and shrugged.

"'Sorry,'" he said simply.

Inexplicably, the businessman had lingered behind. Now he stepped forward.

'I have a confirmed ticket,' he quietly told the agent. 'I'd like to give my seat to this young man.' The agent stared incredulously, then he motioned

to the soldier.

Unable to speak, tears streaming down his face, the boy in olive drab shook hands with the man in the gray flannel suit, who simply murmured,

'Good luck. Have a fine Christmas. Good luck.' "

That was all that was said, and the business man saw the younger man off in silence.

~*~*~

Not many witnessed the action that took place that day, but those who did who....heartened, and....ah...."

Leo awkwardly put a hand behind his head.

"...well, they talk of the Christmas Eve for two men in the airport. The End."

Small grin on his face, Leo turned to look at his brothers.

"Well? Whatcha think?"

~*~*~*~

They'd fallen asleep. Leo blinked, then shook his head.

On Donny's bed-where they'd all gathered-Raph, Don, and Mikey had fallen into slumber, breathing sweet and untroubled.

Leo wasn't sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.

Ah, well. He inched closer to his brothers, throwing a blanket over himself, small smile still on his face.

Maybe he'd ask Splinter in the morning....after inquiring whether or not the rat was feeling any better to tell them a tale tomorrow night."

~*~

Awww! And that's the end. I very much hoped you liked it-am trying to type as much as I can, today. There really isn't much else to do-my

guardians aren't on Christmas break, and I'm home alone. Perhaps I'll take a walk through the woods, later....it reminds me of the Forks Wood,

all covered in snow.....

I truly hope this wasn't too sentimental, and I know the storyline itself doesn't strictly say its Christmastime-but, giving the date, adding Leo's

segment just seemed right, somehow.

Happy holidays, everybody!