4. "I don't know what to say, Spock. It just seems taken with you, that's all."

"Doctor, need I remind you that the object currently attached to my leg is a plant, and therefore incapable of becoming enamored with anything?"

"An alien plant, Spock, Lord only knows how sentient it is. Look, just give Sulu time, he'll get her off of you. Eventually. At least, I hope it's a her-"

"Bones."

"What? It's a plant, does it even have a gen-whoa!"

"…."

"Spock? You okay?"

"I do not believe insulting my floral paramour any further to be a wise course of action, doctor."

"Or getting within ten feet of Spock."

"Apparently it can hear me."

"And is quite sensitive."

"Spock, you're bleeding. Look here, now, you're hurting him-"

"Hey, it listened."

"Logical. If it is fond of me, then it's wish would not be to cause pain."

"Does someone want to finally take time out to tell me why, exactly, my first officer is thoroughly entwined in a sentient plant?"

"Jim, think for a minute about what ship you're serving on the the numerous impossible situations we wind up in, and then ask yourself; do you really need to ask?"

"…..Well when you put it that way, Bones, but I can't very well log 'It's the Enterprise, what else do you expect?' to Starfleet, can I?"

"Jim, I don't think they'd be surprised."

"…..Is it…..purring?"

"Captain, a plant does not-"

"No, Spock, listen, it's purring, like the Tribbles did. Same sound."

"Similar, anyway, Captain, I must agree."

"And it seems to be trying to mark you."

"…..least it can't p-"

"….."

"….."

"….."

"Did it seriously just scent-mark you? With….pollen?"

"It seems so."

"It smells like-"

"Don't, Jim."

"Well, it does."

"Where is Sulu?"

"Perhaps his presence is unnecessary, captain. She responded to doctor McCoy's warning about causing me pain, perhaps-"

"We've already tried to talk it into letting you go-"

"Bad idea, it's tightening up again."

"Thank you, Jim, for pointing that out. You're really being very helpful right now."

"I was helpful, earlier, when we got the brilliant idea to manually remove him. And all that got us were some deep scratches and one broken finger. I was also helpful when I ordered Sulu to figure out how to remove the plant without more of the same. I'm out of helpful."

"Gentlemen, I would appreciate either an end to the current topic or immediate removal of the creature. She has found her way to…..more sensitive areas of my anatomy and as such I'd appreciate her staying calm."

"More sen-oh Lord, Spock, is it down your pants?"

"It would seem so."

"It's in your pants?"

"We have established that fact, doctor."

"…..James Kirk, this is not funny."