A/N: THERE'S NO SNOW HERE. Darn you, tropics. T_T What's the point of getting all snuggly under the blankets and drinking hot chocolate when it isn't snowing?

Anyway, hello one and all. It's been a couple of months since my last fic piece. I'm starting to feel bad for my other fandom since it's actually been ages since I updated there, but really, Ouran is just more interesting. :) And recently I've been busy with academics, my student organization, and life in general.

This piece is just a bunch of stuff I put together for the sake of having a holiday fic. This is my Christmas gift to all my wonderful reviewers. You guys are what make writing worth it.

Btw, just an aside... you know what sucks most about writing fics? Other than continuity (sometimes I lost my thread of thought and the plot goes off in directions I never intended it to) it has to be thinking up titles. It drives me crazy. What also drives me crazy is that when it comes to Ouran, I really want to be funny, but my friends all tell me I have no sense of humor. And they're right.

Again, unbeta'd (I probably can't have a beta since I'm so lazy about updates), done in about three and a half hours (with occasional manga breaks) and completely unedited, which means I just went at it like a madman and didn't bother checking the results over afterwards. Once again set in the OTNK-verse and yes, I don't really have any intention of going back and writing an Ouran fanfic outside of this universe. For now, anyway.

Without further ado, I present to you 17 pages worth of Host Club insanity.

Present Perfect

Hitachiin Kaoru was well-known for being the 'better half' of the Hitachiin twins: he was the one who tended to keep his older brother in check and make sure that none of their pranks went too far. Therefore, he was of course just as well-known for his unending supply of patience—an absolute necessity considering he was dealing with Hikaru 24/7.

So really, people didn't know whether to be horrified or just plain amazed at the unholy snit he was throwing in the club room on the last day of school before Christmas vacation. Plates were flying, and his hands were fisted around Hikaru's collar, lifting his stronger older brother clear off the ground.

Wow. Kaoru had muscles. And the girls (and their cameras) were loving it.

"Hikaru," Kaoru hissed, looking uncharacteristically furious, "sempai just took my hand. You didn't have to… when did you even buy that rocket launcher?"

"I placed an order a few months ago online," his twin said with an unrepentant shrug. "They weren't very prompt about the delivery, though."

Kaoru grabbed said rocket launcher from him and pointed it squarely at his brother's face. "Hold still for a second, Hikaru… I'm interested in finding out whether the girls will still love you even after a little nose job…"

Haruhi sighed and looked up at her boyfriend. "Mori-sempai…"

He shook his head. "He won't really do it."

"Kaoru, it's all right." The Shadow King's voice cut into the air. "Hikaru missed me completely. Now, perhaps if he were aiming for you sitting beside me, then I'd have been worried about my personal safety…"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Hikaru demanded.

"I'm sure I don't need to spell out what I'm implying, Hikaru," Kyouya answered with a sunny smile. "As it is, the only victim of your poor marksmanship is the wall… which I'm sure you already know you're going to be paying for." He glanced down at the carnage from Kaoru's temper tantrum. "And the plates."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Hikaru said, glaring. "Like I care."

"Now excuse me," Kyouya said. "I'm aware that my bodyguards are restraining themselves…" He stood up with a sigh and issued a low whistle. Three dark-suited figures appeared out of nowhere and Kyouya gestured for them to follow him, probably for some orders. It was a good thing Hikaru had missed. If he' actually hit him, he had no idea what Team Kyouya would have done.

Probably something involving many sharp things… and branding… some gouging out of the eyes would likely be in order as well.

Kaoru rounded on Hikaru. "You," he said, words coming out clearer and crisper than usual—anger made him enunciate everything more carefully, "are extremely lucky. Sempai already asked his bodyguards not to lay a finger on you no matter what you did. Otherwise I'd be an only child already."

"Kaoru, I'm just trying to save you from yourself. Or more accurately, from that fanged wildebeest."

"…maybe you should concentrate more on saving yourself from me…"

Hunny finally intervened, much to the chagrin of the ogling fangirls. "Kao-chan, put down the rocket launcher. Kyou-chan always said that murder was hard to cover up, ne?"

Haruhi grabbed Hikaru and started pushing him out the door. "Leave," she said. "Now. Give Kaoru some time to calm down… and in the process, why don't you stop and think about your sins?" He stuck his tongue out at her but bolted anyway, leaving her to sigh and roll her eyes.

"Er… I suppose club shall end early today," Tamaki ventured. "Ladies, if you will? We'll extend next time to make up for it, after the Christmas break… yes, thank you so much for being gracious…" As he ushered the girls out, Kaoru slumped in a chair and Haruhi hurried over to talk to him.

"Kaoru, are you okay?"

He looked up at her. "No, Haruhi, I am not okay. It's already been over a year and Hikaru freaks out if sempai so much as touches me. He was better in the beginning, when sempai and I had just gotten together… back then we could kiss without worrying that he was going to jump between us with a katana."

"Oh, you mean last Wednesday's incident," Tamaki said, nodding.

"That was because Hika-chan was feeling guilty about what he did to the two of you back then," Hunny piped up. "Now he's starting to get over it and realizing that his little brother has a boyfriend. Just give him time, Kao-chan."

Kaoru buried his face in his hands. "Wait for Hikaru's blessing? Fabulous. Sempai and I will be dating by the time I'm sixty, then."

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "Don't exaggerate, Kaoru."

"You're right. Sixty's much too soon. Knowing Hikaru, my relationship with sempai will be posthumous… I've begged, I've pleaded, I've tried tears on that stupid brother of mine… and still nothing. It's driving me crazy. I just want some way to deal with them!"

Mori sighed and finally spoke. "It's Christmas."

Haruhi looked up at him, puzzled. "Okay, it's Christmas… and…?"

The stoic senior shot Kaoru a meaningful look the way only he could. "You're smart, Kaoru. You can figure it out." Apparently hitting some kind of word limit for the day, he refused to speak further on the subject.

"Sorry about that, Kaoru," Haruhi apologized. "I don't know what he's talking about either—"

She was cut off by the redhead holding up a hand to stop her, his eyes gleaming. "I think," he said, grinning, "your boyfriend is absolutely brilliant."

It was Kyouya-Kaoru time, which, roughly translated, meant that all their homework and extra studying was done, they were out somewhere private (which also equaled no Hikaru with illegal firearms charging in to shoot at Kyouya) and they were indulging in one of their favorite pastimes: sitting next to each other holding hands. Except that they always seemed to end up draped all over each other and doing more kissing than holding hands.

Not that they were complaining, mind you.

"Mmm," Kyouya murmured, inhaling the scent of Kaoru's hair as they lay sprawled on his bed. Thankfully Fuyumi had been forcibly ejected from the house before she could cut in on their time together with some nonsense about caroling or slaughtering reindeer or whatever Christmas was all about in her peculiar little head. "We need to do more of this." Judging by the contented little noise that Kaoru made, his boyfriend heartily agreed.

"Sempai," Kaoru said, curling up even more closely against him. "Look. It's snowing outside."

Kyouya smiled. "It's almost Christmas," he said, taking Kaoru's hand and kissing the ring on his left ring finger. "Is there anything in particular you'd want?" He didn't normally celebrate the holiday much, considering that he wasn't Christian in the first place and he found it commercialized and an excuse for too many companies to send them expensive gifts in the hopes that they'd come invest in them, but for Kaoru he didn't even have to try. And of course he already had a gift for Kaoru, but he was ready to fulfill just about any whim the redhead might want him to.

Kaoru looked up at him through his long lashes. "Well, there's something I really, really want for Christmas," he began, biting his lip.

The Shadow King studied him carefully. Alarm bells were going off in the back of his mind. Kaoru was employing the Bambi eyes, and he wasn't sure yet why. While normal lovers would probably promise 'I'll get you anything you want', he knew better than that. "And what would that be?"

Kaoru seemed to have realized that he was getting suspicious. The younger boy snuggled his face into his chest. "I don't really care what you get me… so long as you spend the day shopping for it with Hikaru."

Oh. So that was what it was all about. Kyouya gently (and very unwillingly) pulled Kaoru away from him. "Kaoru…"

"Is that a no?" the younger boy's lower lip was starting to twist into a pout.

"No, that isn't a no," Kyouya said with a sigh. Bambi eyes won over every time. The worst part was that Kaoru knew that fact all too well. "However, I would like to voice some reservations about the matter…"

"I'll confiscate his weaponry beforehand," Kaoru bargained. He'd already intercepted an order his brother had placed for a missile launcher just a few hours before he'd come over to Kyouya's house. Of course, that was after he'd nearly beaten his brother half to death about it (Hikaru was lucky the maids had intervened).

Kyouya smirked. "I'm not worried about that." He said it in a tone that implied, I'm Ootori Kyouya and I'm bulletproof. The way he always acted so invincible—and probably was, for all Kaoru knew—always made the redhead smile. "On the other hand, I know that what you're doing is trying to make us get along. Don't you think that this might make it worse?"

Kaoru threw his hands up into the air. "If this still doesn't work, I give up. But I figured that if that happened, it wouldn't be your fault. I know that the problem isn't really on your end. I mean, sure, you like baiting him when he's mad at you—"

"I'm sorry, but it really is too amusing to resist."

"True," Kaoru said. "It's fun tormenting Hikaru. That idiot's a target that could tempt a saint. So if he decides to hate you forever…"

Kyouya frowned. "Kaoru, you can't choose between me and your brother."

"It's not really choosing… it's more of knowing when something's impossible, right?" Kaoru laughed lightly. "Besides, are you seriously asking me whether I'd take a blockhead brother who always beats me at Mario Kart over someone who commands his own private army?"

"You're taking a gamble, Kaoru." He pushed his glasses up his nose. "This could end up making you even more miserable about the situation than you already are."

Kaoru raised an eyebrow. "I don't think that it can get any worse than those shurikens last week." He looked hopefully up at the sophomore. "So you're willing to do it?"

"You asked, Kaoru. Of course." The comment made the redhead glow.

"By the way," Kaoru prodded. "What do you want for Christmas?"

Kyouya thought for a moment. "You."

"No, seriously."

Kyouya grinned. "Why, Kaoru, when have I ever not been serious?"

"Hmm… you shouldn't ask for what you've already got."

"And I say that you can never ask for too much of some things."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"

"You heard me, Hitachiin Hikaru," Kaoru said, steel in his voice as he dodged the magazine his older brother had just thrown at him. "You're going shopping for my present with sempai."

Lying on his bed, Hikaru massaged his temples, feeling the beginnings of a migraine blossoming. "Look, Kaoru, when I asked what you wanted for your Christmas present, I fully expected murder, mayhem and arson to be involved. But not suicide." He glared at him. "Wasn't it enough that we nearly lost our lives in last year's attempt?"

"Stop exaggerating. All we did was go to his house and sing Christmas carols."

"See? You admit it! We wandered into the mouth of hell to bleat pitifully at the gates of the Demon King! He set dogs on us, Kaoru!"

"That was an accident and you know it. Besides, Fuyumi-neesan got us out of it, right?"

"Why don't we ever have Christmas gifts that don't involve getting me killed by your freaky boyfriend?" grumbled Hikaru.

Kaoru glared right back at him, jabbing a finger into his chest. "Hi-ka-ru. I've had it up to here with you always picking on sempai, okay? How do you think it makes me feel that my twin, who's supposed to be my other half, doesn't even get along with the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with? And get that look off your face, I am going to spend the rest of my life with him."

Hikaru bit back the comment he was going to make about how living with the undead would make that lifespan unnecessarily short. From the look on Kaoru's face, he could tell that saying it would shorten his lifespan instead. "And what are you going to do if I say no?"

"I would say that I'd have to give up on you and sempai ever getting along, and have to choose between you two a lot."

Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "And what would you say if I told you that that doesn't sound so bad to me?"

Legend has it that when Hikaru asked that question, Kaoru simply smiled (to hear Hikaru say it, 'smiled' was not an appropriate term; 'bared his fangs' would have been more accurate), spoke a few words ('channeled the demon lord's energy and suddenly became this monster speaking in the tongues of hell') and looked him in the eye ('used a Medusa-type glance on me and nearly turned me into stone') and dared him to say anything further ('warned me that anything else that came out of my mouth would definitely result in me getting chucked out of the balcony of my room'). Asking Hikaru what Kaoru had replied always made him shudder.

Which was how Hikaru found himself at the Suoh Shopping Mall with Kyouya.

"Hello, Hikaru," Kyouya greeted him.

"Hello, bloodthirsty spawn of hell."

"Bloodthirsty spawn of hell? That was last week's slur. You're getting repetitive," the Shadow King answered with a smile.

"You don't get to choose your insulting nickname, four-eyes. As the older brother and champion of justice, that's my prerogative." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "Let's get this over with already, okay? The sooner I'm away from you the sooner I can stop breathing your poisonous fumes." He'd been all set to wear a gas mask during the whole excursion, but Kaoru had sadly confiscated it (and hit him over the head with his guitar).

"You do know that Kaoru would be upset if we went back too early anyway?" Kyouya inquired. "The purpose of this trip is really for us to get along."

Hikaru sighed. "Look… this isn't Twilight. Lambs and lions don't hang out together, okay?"

"I'll assume I'm the lion… but I'd think that it's terribly embarrassing to refer to yourself as a lamb."

"What? Why am I the lamb?"

Kyouya raised an eyebrow. "And… in what alternative universe would I be a lamb, Hikaru?"

Hikaru shut his mouth. Even he was unable to say anything. "Just move it," he grumbled. "Where do you want to look?"

"To be honest, I'm still thinking it over. What about you? Do you have a present in mind for Kaoru?"

"A guitar," Hikaru said, sourly adding, "he wrecked his when he used it on me."

"In that case, perhaps Kaoru would like it if I got him boxing gloves," Kyouya said thoughtfully. "Then again, I appreciate his creative use of the surrounding objects in his environment to inflict pain… boxing gloves wouldn't fit that purpose…"

"Hanging out with you makes my brother violent, you know that?"

"No, I'm fairly sure that it's your idiocy wearing his patience thin that makes him resort to force. I should know, Tamaki's my best friend, after all."

"So now you're comparing me to milord? First a lamb, and now… that?"

"They look like they're getting along nicely," Tamaki said with a clueless smile as the rest of the Host Club members tailed them (Kyouya had cottoned on to the fact that they were being tailed about 0.5 seconds after he'd set foot in the mall, but he'd chosen not to say anything—and Kaoru knew perfectly well that he knew).

Haruhi shot him a look. Did he even know that he'd just been insulted? "If by nicely you mean that they haven't drawn guns on each other yet, yeah."

"Leave it, Haruhi," Kaoru said with a sigh. "Everyone knows the world milord seems to inhabit is filled with unicorns and daisies."

"Kyou-chan and Hika-chan just aren't going to get along until you force them to really talk," Hunny said with a bright smile. "And I think I know just how to do it!"

"Guitars… the music stuff's all the way on the fifth floor. Come on, there's an elevator over there."

Kyouya glanced at the elevator, frowned, but then stole a glance behind him. "All right," he said, and stepped in. As he predicted, the moment Hikaru went in as well, the doors slid shut.

"The heck?" the redhead said, frowning. He punched at the button marked five, but nothing happened.

"There's an emergency contact button there," Kyouya put in. "The Suoh family has to cover for any possible accidents, after all." Hikaru pressed it.

"Help, I'm stuck with a demon in the elevator," he deadpanned.

"Too bad," a voice that sounded just like his own replied through the speakers. "You guys can just have a lovely chat for a while."

"Hello, Kaoru. I thought it would be you," Kyouya said, smiling. "I thought it was strange that the elevator had been tampered with and my men hadn't alerted me. Of course it had to be you."

"Why didn't you say anything before we got in?" demanded Hikaru.

"Kaoru likes his little games… I figure that they're mostly harmless, and I don't like seeing him pout."

"Mommy! How can you talk in such a lecherous way about your son?" came a wail from the speakers. "It's bad enough that you bed him every night—"

Kyouya and Hikaru both twitched. "I'm… going… to kill you," Hikaru said through gritted teeth. "You defiler of virgins…"

"Milord, shut up. And Hikaru, no violence… Tachibana-san will have your head for it if you try. We're going to go now, but have a nice chat. We won't let you out until we feel that you guys are probably getting along."

"I'll be here until the apocalypse," complained Hikaru, but there was no response. Apparently Kaoru had made good on his word and they really had left. He glared at Kyouya. "Hey, use your freaky demon powers and summon your minions to get us out of here, will you?"

Instead of opening the portal to hell, Kyouya spread his jacket on the ground and sat on it with a sigh.

"That's an Armani," Hikaru said. He had a practiced eye that could pick out every brand Kyouya was wearing—and he could even tell that the scarf he wore was made by Kaoru. He scowled, remembering that it was made a year or so ago, even before the two had become an official couple.

"But the floor's dirty," Kyouya replied. "I can always have it dry-cleaned, and it's highly unlikely that they'll release us any time soon. Standing the entire time will be uncomfortable." He cleared his throat. "It really isn't anybody else's business, but perhaps it might reassure you to know that Kaoru and I have never gone beyond kissing."

Hikaru looked up. "Seriously? I mean, we all just kind of assumed that you guys would be, you know, doing it like bunnies. Looks like there's hope for the world yet." He frowned. "Unless, you know, you've got some… equipment problems… and then you're going to like, marry Kaoru and stick him with a guy who can't—"

Kyouya shot him a look from behind his glasses. "Hikaru…"

The redhead quailed momentarily under his eyes. "Hey, whatever. Maybe demons calculate their ages differently. Like you haven't hit puberty in hellspawn-years yet."

The Shadow King adjusted his glasses. "I don't think that this is a topic that I should be talking about overmuch with you, Hikaru. What Kaoru and I do is private."

"And I'm the sugarplum fairy. I'm his older brother. Either give me the dirt or let me assume the worst."

"It's simply a matter of responsibility," Kyouya said slowly. "I was raised with the belief that it was all right to play around before marriage, so long as I wasn't found out by the tabloids… or so long as I didn't do anything that couldn't be covered up."

"I know that," Hikaru said with a bitter twist of his mouth. "We've all been raised that way."

"I find it distasteful," the Shadow King replied. "Sex… is a very big step in a relationship. I simply want that step to come after we have that final commitment."

"You mean marriage."

"Correct."

Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "How's that going to work out? I mean, I know same-sex marriage is already legal elsewhere, and yeah, you guys can go fly off there and get hitched, but it's not like you can do it with news hounds breathing down your neck." A thought struck him. "Hey, how come it hasn't leaked to the papers yet anyway? I mean, normally they'd be all over a story like this. And for all your 'flying under the radar', you and Kaoru are out together a lot. Gossip columns should be at least slipping in a couple of suspicious bits about you two."

"Partly due to my bodyguards… they ensure that whoever attempts to follow us has a very, very difficult time doing so." And end up with broken bones if they try. "And partly due to the Ootori influence."

"So Kaoru doesn't know about it?"

"Kaoru isn't blind… but no, he doesn't. He may suspect something, but he never brings it up."

"If you guys ended up on the papers…"

Kyouya exhaled. "I'd never let that happen."

"How can you be so sure?" Hikaru asked skeptically.

"Because," the Shadow King replied, "I would rather burn down every paper in town and be arrested for arson than hurt Kaoru."

"Don't be stupid," Hikaru snorted.

"Stupid?"

"If you did burn every paper in town, you'd make sure that there wouldn't be any evidence linking you to the crime."

Kyouya grinned. "Ah, you know me so well."

"What do you think they're doing now?" Haruhi wondered aloud, using her straw to make the scoop of ice cream in her iced coffee bob up and down as they congregated at a table in the food court.

"A thousand dollars says that Hika-chan already tried to hit Kyou-chan by now," Hunny put in cheerfully. "Want some of my cake, Haru-chan?"

"…if he tried, he's probably dead by now," Tamaki muttered.

Kaoru rolled his eyes. "Sempai wouldn't kill him. His motto is 'murder is too hard to cover up'. Jeez."

"But Kyou-chan could do it if he wanted to."

"Yeah, but it's really not worth the effort. Besides, it's over too quick when you kill someone… it's better to torture them nice and slowly…"

They all looked at him. "Kaoru… I'm starting to think that Hikaru's right and dating Kyouya-sempai is making you evil," Haruhi said.

Kaoru smiled into his cup of coffee. "Have you ever considered that maybe I was like this to begin with, and none of you ever knew it? Maybe I just kept sneaking along under your radar, silently waiting for the right moment to knife one of you guys in the back." He looked up from his drink to see them all inching away from him. "Oh come on, I was kidding." He waited until Haruhi had returned to her usual spot before flashing her a grin and adding, "Or was I?"

It was partly true, actually. Everyone had seen him as the less vibrant half of the Hitachiin twins, the steadier and more reliable one, when really, he could be every bit as manipulative as Kyouya (well, okay, maybe not every bit as manipulative, but a lot more than they gave him credit for). And until he'd started dating the Shadow King he'd thought it was all right to keep that side of him under wraps, for the sake of what everyone else wanted from him. Now it was different. Now it was actually okay for him to be this way, and he was a lot happier too.

The 'natural rookie' host looked up at them. "Do you think maybe they killed each other?"

"OHOHOHOHOHO!"

At the sound of the laugh, they all twitched—even Mori. "Oh God, and here I was hoping to go through one day without hearing that… now that would really have made my Christmas."

Haruhi shook her head. "We all dream of it, Kaoru, but we can only keep hoping."

"And Merry Christmas to you too, Haruhi-kun," Renge said brightly. She was wearing a Santa girl outfit that made Tamaki cringe. "You are so naïve! Kill each other? Hardly!" She cackled again, causing some passers-by to wince. "Two boys stuck in an elevator together… what else could be happening but FORBIDDEN LOVE!"

The Host Club again twitched collectively. "You do realize that Kyouya-sempai and Hikaru would both rather take a vow of celibacy for life, right?" asked Haruhi.

"And anyway, Kyouya already has a glittering romance with this devilish twin," said Tamaki. "You know, evil doppelganger number two, not number one."

She waved a dismissive hand. "That's true, but think of the possibilities… in a fit of anger, they both pounce on each other, but in the middle of their fight they stop and stare at each other's eyes… and in the heat of the moment their lips meet…"

"Um, Renge, you might want to keep your voice down. This is a public mall, you know," Kaoru said, sliding down in his seat when he saw that parents were hurrying their children away. "Can we pretend that we don't know you? Please?"

Ignoring his question completely, she continued, "Or maybe this is where Hikaru-kun suddenly grabs Kyouya-sama's wrists and says, 'You always drive me crazy!' and Kyouya-sama looks up and breathily replies, 'Drive you crazy… how?' and Hikaru-kun pins him to the wall and they madly start kissing! They both realize that Hikaru-kun's anger at Kyouya-sama is all because he secretly adores him even though he's his brother's lover!"

Hunny looked revolted. "Kyou-chan can't be an uke. It's against all the rules."

"Rules?" Haruhi repeated.

"Yeah, Haruhi. There are rules," Kaoru said, shaking his head. "The rules which govern this universe. Kind of like where we say the sky is blue and maple syrup is sweet. Saying Kyouya-sempai is an uke is like… like putting Mori-sempai in a tutu. It's just wrong. Really, really wrong."

"In yaoi, anything is possible!" Renge replied brightly.

"If you made sempai an uke you would have to change his character completely," Kaoru returned. "He would be OOC."

"Then we shall rewrite his background to give him a tragic past that makes him a complete tsundere! He appears stoic and strong to everyone, including his lover, but to Hikaru-kun he can't help showing his teary, vulnerable side as Hikaru-kun ravages him in the elevator!" Again her maniacal laughter filled the air, and more people started leaving the vicinity.

"Renge… do you come in any other decibel level? You know, one below jumbo jet?" Kaoru inquired, letting his head hit the table.

"Maybe we should let them out just to escape this torture already," Haruhi mumbled.

"I heard a creepy laugh. Renge must be lurking around here somewhere," Hikaru muttered. "How long have we been in here?"

"About half an hour or so. If Renge's here, they'll probably let us out earlier than they originally would have."

"Damn. I was going to stay home and do all my Christmas shopping online, you know? This sucks."

Kyouya shrugged. "Kaoru wanted us to go."

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "And you'd do just about anything for Kaoru."

"Just about, yes." Kyouya smiled. "Of course, Kaoru never makes it easy to say no anyway."

"Yeah… especially when he's banging you over the head with his guitar," mumbled Hikaru. "Tell me again why I'm buying him a replacement considering he wrecked his by nearly giving me a concussion? He must have damaged my brain or something."

He sighed. "I have to ask, demon spawn… you know how you told Kaoru before that your parents already gave an okay to your relationship?" At Kyouya's nod, he continued. "But that means you would never inherit the company, right?"

"That's… from the family's perspective, yes. I would be unfit to take over seeing as I would be unable to produce an heir, and it doesn't look good for the company's image to have a gay president."

Hikaru frowned. "So you chose between what you've been trying to get for years and Kaoru, and you picked Kaoru?"

"Why do you sound as though that's difficult to believe?"

"Well, no one's that crazy in love. And Kaoru would hate it if he knew."

"Oh, Kaoru knows. He's more insightful than most people give him credit for, though I will admit that he tends to overlook things when they don't agree with his vision of the world. But I'm sure he's guessed."

"Then he hasn't tried to leave you, or something stupid like that? I mean, don't most idiots in those shoujo mangas try to leave for the sake of their other half's welfare or something?"

"Key word being idiots, Hikaru, which I assure you your twin and I are not. Kaoru and I have already had a taste of being apart and you all know that that didn't work out." He saw the flash of guilt on Hikaru's face and shook his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up. But he has enough faith in me to know that I always have a contingency plan. You said that I've been working towards taking control of the company for years and you're right. But if father doesn't hand it over to me," he said the words nonchalantly, "then I'll just have to find a way to take it, correct?"

"You can't have your cake and eat Kaoru too," snorted Hikaru. Then he saw Kyouya laugh, and couldn't help breaking into a grudging smile himself. "Ever heard of greed being one of the seven sins?"

"I thought I was the lord of hell. Now what kind of demon king would I be if I were virtuous?" returned Kyouya, and Hikaru's mouth couldn't help twitching.

"Look, let's just agree to disagree, okay?" Hikaru said, giving up. "I know Kaoru hates it when we fight, but it's a… a testosterone thing. I'm the older brother. I have to look out for him. And you know, you're probably not a bad guy really, really deep down—you know, maybe on some kind of subterranean level of your heart, or whatever you call the lump of coal sustaining your life force—but you're still going after him, and it's kind of my duty to try to kick your ass for it."

"I already understand that. Just keep the killing aura at a minimum, perhaps."

"I dunno. It's kind of fun watching you dodge whenever I come out guns blazing."

"And it's rather fun to see you keep missing. In any case, you only try to murder me because you know that I'm competent enough to evade all your attacks. Still, it bothers Kaoru so…" Kyouya looked thoughtfully at him. "Let's just call a truce for the holidays, shall we?"

"For Kaoru's sake," Hikaru said after a moment. "Besides, he canceled my order for that missile launcher."

Kyouya held out his hand to shake. "All right then. It's gentleman's agreement." He saw the revolted look on the redhead's face as the younger boy eyed his hand. He rolled his eyes. "My hands are clean, Hikaru."

"Eew. Demon cooties," Hikaru said, shuddering. But he went and shook it anyway.

And of course it was at that moment that the elevator doors opened.

Renge lit up like a Christmas tree. "See! I knew it! They're holding hands! THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS!"

"Crap," Hikaru muttered. The other club members had let them out, ushered Renge away, and told them that they could continue with their shopping—but not before Tamaki had wailed that 'stealing your mommy away from your brother is unforgivable, Hikaru, unforgivable!' and nearly shattered everyone's eardrums considering that Tamaki's screaming was combined with Renge's.

"Couldn't they have stopped her? I mean, now we're going to have to put up with a ton of stupid doujinshi floating around about the two of us."

Kyouya was emitting a black aura that had most other shoppers giving them a wide berth. "Oh no there won't be… not when she was spouting nonsense about me being an uke…" Hikaru took one look at his face and bet that slow-roasted Renge would probably be on the menu for Christmas dinner at the Ootoris.

After making a quick stop at the music store, where they bought the guitar and Kyouya asked one of his bodyguards to drop it off at the Hitachiin mansion that they could continue shopping unhampered, Hikaru glanced at the Shadow King. "So what about you? What are you going to get him?"

"I actually already have a present for him. But it doesn't hurt to add extra. I'm just not sure what to get him now." Fuyumi would never let him get over the fact that he spent an entire week combing the best places for Kaoru's gift last year—only for him to decide that nothing was quite good enough and so he had a ring custom-made just for his boyfriend. And of course she wouldn't stop gushing about it to Kaoru, either.

Well, Kaoru did show his appreciation quite nicely, so Kyouya really had nothing to complain about.

"You're thinking about something perverted, aren't you? You've got a creepy smile on your face," Hikaru observed.

Kyouya ignored the ribbing. "I don't want to get him more jewelry… so repetitive." Kaoru could get books by himself, and he usually made his own clothes anyway. Computer games… plush toys… cars... houses…

"Oh jeez. Why do you and Kaoru both always overthink Christmas presents? I mean, seriously. Get him something nice, put it in a box, wrap it up, then wish him a happy holiday and then you're done. It's not brain surgery."

"I think it has something to do with the fact that we love each other and would like to make each other as happy as possible," Kyouya said dryly. "It isn't as though he doesn't put a lot of thought into his gifts for you. Kaoru is the type to care a lot."

"Why don't you dress up as Santa and try giving him a laugh?"

"Only if you dress up as Rudolph and pull my sleigh."

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "You always have some smart-ass comment…"

After about an hour of scouring the shops, Hikaru was ready to rip the head off the next salesperson to approach them. "Look… I don't have a lot of patience. Kaoru got all of that, okay?"

"Hmm, what did you get, then?" Kyouya asked, checking the thread count of some Egyptian cotton sheets.

"The dashing good looks. Put that down, you're not getting my brother bed sheets. That's just, you know, implying something."

"You're identical twins. And Kaoru is much cuter." He looked up. "Besides that, not everyone has your dirty mind. Well… that's beside the point. These aren't what I had in mind anyway."

"What the hell are you looking for?" whined Hikaru, his voice going up higher so that he actually sounded like Kaoru. Kyouya put down the sheets and grinned. "GOD. That settles it, next year I'm organizing a Secret Santa so that there won't be any more of this stupidity."

"Yes, but then you might have to accept a gift from Tamaki," Kyouya pointed out.

"So?"

The Shadow King raised an eyebrow. "From Tamaki."

Hikaru's eyes widened as he thought of all the ridiculous things the Host Club King might decide to give one of them. And of course, being Tamaki, he'd cry and do the puppy dog eyes until the receiver used the gift. It would probably have terrible consequences. But still, weighing that against this… "Better than getting mauled by dogs at your house."

"That's what you get for trespassing."

Hikaru folded his hands behind his head and kept walking. "Yeah, yeah, I get it… hell is a well-guarded land… do not step on the evil king's territory…" Then he came to an abrupt stop, almost causing Kyouya to walk into him. Almost, of course, because Kyouya was just too poised to let something so embarrassing and clumsy ever happen to him.

"Is there a reason for you suddenly stopping the Christmas shopping traffic, Hikaru? Because if we don't keep moving we'll get mobbed by people doing their last-minute buying." And death by getting run over by Christmas shoppers was almost as bad as death by fangirl.

Though of course nothing was quite as bad as that.

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "Hey demon king… I think I found you your gift for Kaoru."

"Now this is just perfect," Kaoru said, clinking his glass of champagne against Kyouya's. Everyone had a glass—except for Tamaki, whom Kyouya had ordered to stick to sparkling juice (he hadn't forgotten what had happened the last time his best friend had gotten drunk). They were having a Christmas Eve get-together at the Hitachiins. Their parents wouldn't be back until later that night anyway, so they had the whole house to themselves.

"Let's open presents," Hikaru said, lounging against a chair. He had already tied Tamaki's shoelaces together and used a joy buzzer when he'd shaken his hand, but other than those two mild pranks he'd been on his best behavior. "We can go snowball fighting later."

"Not again," Haruhi said, paling. Last year Hikaru had brought his very own Snowkiller2000, a snowball bazooka that had her running for cover.

Of course, Kaoru had one-upped him by producing the Snowmonster5000, a catapult that hurled snowballs that were the size of a car. They'd had to dig Hikaru out after his twin's assault (Kaoru was very unrepentant seeing as Kyouya had been the main target of Hikaru's Snowkiller2000… even if Kyouya hadn't even been hit once).

"That's okay, Haru-chan! This year I have the SnowBun-chan1000 to help us out!" Hunny piped up.

Hikaru grinned. "Translation in normal language: This year I have a weapon of mass destruction disguised as something cute and fluffy!" He handed Hunny a package which turned out to contain cake and a miniature yukata. He and Kaoru had decided to go joint on everyone's presents (well, except Kyouya's—that was Kaoru's special territory, apparently). Haruhi's gift was a law textbook and a dress, Tamaki's was a white sound machine ("To cancel out your eternal whining"—but really it was a gift for everyone else, and all the other club members thanked them profusely for buying it), for Mori a special cloth to polish his sword and some chick feed. In return they got plenty of gifts, including Haruhi's homemade sweets, fluffy hats for everyone in the club from Hunny, and bamboo flutes (!) from Mori. Tamaki had a personalized (and totally useless) gift for everyone in the club. Hikaru poked at the weird metal blob-like thing he'd been given and decided it would make an okay paperweight. At least if anyone pissed him off he could always throw it at them.

Kyouya had given them all practical things—hats, gloves, shirts. For Tamaki he had a leash.

"Here," Kaoru said, throwing something at Hikaru. "Have fun with it."

Hikaru tore open the wrapping (he seriously couldn't understand what was up with some people opening the presents reeeeealllllyyyy slowly) and out fell a crash helmet with his name emblazoned on it. "To protect me from you?"

"Yup!" his brother said cheerfully. "And from now on I'm going to aim elsewhere! It's about time I paid attention to bruising you on the rest of your body, ne?"

"Sadist," Hikaru said, but he put it on anyway. "Damn. This is going to mess up my hair like hell." He tossed an envelope to Kaoru. "At least this will get you idiots out of my hair."

"An idiot shouldn't go around calling other people idiots," Kaoru said, and opened it. Out fell two tickets to Paris. "Seriously?" he said, eyes brightening. "You're sending me off on vacation with sempai?"

"There will be no groping, slobbering, or other indecency ending with –ing while you two are off on vacation, okay?" He sighed. "God save me form you two. If when you come back you're his demon bride, don't blame me. You're the one who chose the wildebeest, oka—ARGH!" He looked down to see that Kaoru had knocked him over in a hug. "Okay, wow. Uh… you're welcome."

Kyouya was smiling too. "Thank you, Hikaru," he said as Kaoru extracted himself from his brother. He handed an envelope over to Kaoru as well. "Here's one present."

"Hmm?" Kaoru opened it. Haruhi couldn't resist taking a peek.

"Purikura?" she said, looking at the set of sticker photo booth pictures. "Nice shots."

Hunny glanced over too. "Yeah, Kyou-chan, you and Kao-chan really look like you're getting along here." There were pictures of Kyouya and a red-headed Hitachiin hitting each other on the head, pictures of them smiling at the camera, and even a picture where the redhead was being crushed underfoot by an evilly smirking Kyouya.

Haruhi examined the picture more closely. "But..."

"Haruhi, you can keep the secret, can't you?" Kaoru said. He was grinning.

"Um… yeah. I won't tell."

It wasn't him in the pictures at all. It was Hikaru with Kyouya. "Thanks," he said, taking his boyfriend's hand. "This is probably the best thing you could have given me."

"Well, I don't know what to say to that. He was the one who suggested it. I thought it was brilliant."

"If I hadn't suggested it he would have kept me there all night," Hikaru said in an aggrieved voice.

"Here's my other present," Kyouya said. Kaoru slowly took off the gift wrap, making sure not to tear it as he peeled away the clear tape ("Oh for God's sake, just open the stupid thing!" said Hikaru).

"Oh," breathed Kaoru, looking at the painting. It was a fairly good one of the Host Club. "This is… beautiful." He glanced at the signature. "Sempai? You were the one who drew this?"

Kyouya coughed. "Painting is just a hobby—"

"—stop being so perfect already. Jerk," said Hikaru, looking at the picture. "I'm much better-looking than that. Look, my nose is lopsided."

"Hikaru, it's just right," Haruhi said, rolling her eyes.

"Oh yeah, here's my present," Kaoru said, an evil grin suddenly spreading on his face. He handed Kyouya a thin package. Kyouya, just like Kaoru, opened it with agonizing care. A luridly colored book fell out. "Ta-dah! It's 'Erotic Adventure in an Elevator' by Hoshakuji Renge! Over a hundred pages of fun between the tsundere sophomore and the twin who secretly loves him even though he's his brother's lover!"

Haruhi picked it up and leafed through it once. Her eyes widened. "I didn't know you could do that with glasses."

Hikaru looked over her shoulder then stood up. "Excuse me for a second. I'm going to go find Renge…"

As he stalked out, Kaoru murmured, "I thought I canceled that missile launcher order… where did he get that?" He glanced at Kyouya's face. "Ooh…"

"Kaoru," he said, lips twitching. "Come here for a second…"

"Hmm?" the redhead slid onto his lap, smirking. "I take it you don't like my present very much?"

"You're a devil," replied the Shadow King, nuzzling his nose into the other boy's neck and making him shiver.

"Hmm… you do know that that isn't my real present, right?" Kaoru whispered.

"I surmised as much. So then… what did you get me?"

"Exactly what you asked for this Christmas," Kaoru replied with a wicked smirk. "In a Santa outfit that would have old Saint Nicholas rolling over in his grave."

"Now that sounds like a happy holiday to me," Kyouya said, pulling him closer for a kiss.

A/N: For those who don't know what happened the last time Tamaki got drunk, go back and read OTNK. For those who want a copy of that doujinshi (including ME ME ME) raise your hand in the air and wave it proudly! And ack, Twilight reference in there. Originally this fanfic was going to be a sort of 'what would happen if Kyouya and Kaoru went to watch Twilight together?' but I could decide what to write there (other than the fact that Edward Cullen is nowhere near Kyouya's awesomeness).

By the way, my profile now has records of who requested what pairing/scenario for Ouran, so if any of you guys want anything more, just give me a shout-out and I'll try to get to work on it.

Liked it? Hated it? Violent reactions are welcome, including missile launchers sent via review. :) Have a Merry Christmas, everyone!