Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
This is my second fanfic so constructive criticism is very much appreciated, criticize in excruciating detail if you can!
Authors Note: I got this delightful little plot bunny from CosmicaBlack at Fiction Alley, and such a fun idea it is so thank you CosmicaBlack!
"The Looney Mishap of the Luna Lovegood Sorting"
By Pinkbismuth
The sorting hat was old; it had seen many things within the minds of many witches and wizards. Through out the years it had delved into the minds of Hogwarts students identifying the distinguishing qualities; sorting them accordingly with all the ease that magic and experience could afford it. In fact the hat prided itself on being unflappable. As he had commented to the headmaster many times before, sorting children was akin to sorting books; you read the description and put them in a section.
That was until he met her.
It was another start-of-the-term feast just like any other. He had just sorted a fairly unremarkable boy by the name of William Kent who was very easy to read and obviously belonged in Hufflepuff when McGonagall called…
"Lovegood Luna!"
"Another Lovegood eh probably Xenophilius's daughter, he was a Slytherin if I ever saw one." thought the hat as a small girl with scraggly, dirty blonde hair, and dreamily distracted grey eyes made her way to the stool; she sat down and put on the hat.
It was at that moment that the Hogwarts sorting hat, once belonging to the brave and noble Godric Gryffindor, endowed with knowledge from the four illustrious founders, reader of minds, and sorter of students had become; totally and utterly shocked, bewildered, and absolutely terrified by what he found.
If minds were like books then the mind of Luna Lovegood was written upside down, backwards, and in Mermish pig Latin with random hieroglyphics tossed in.
Normally the hat did a form of Occlumency; it would see the most relevant and character determining thoughts and actions within one's memories, as if watching a movie and decide from there.
However Luna's mind was like a kaleidoscope only all the colors were ultraviolet colors, undiscovered, nameless and beyond the rainbow. They were beyond the visible spectrum, yet in plain sight.
Random and seemingly unconnected memories flashed before him but they were distorted somehow. It was like they were going backwards as though someone had pushed the rewind button and instead of feeling the emotions he could taste them. 'Sadness tastes like Broccoli,' he thought, then 'Oh Merlin! I'm going mad! Broccoli indeed!'
Next he realized he wasn't seeing the colors; he was hearing them, if that made any sense at all. All the while a dreamy sounding voice kept saying something about something called a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.
And what exactly is a Crumple-Horned Snorkack you might ask?
Well the hat certainly did not know, but from what this voice was saying it was the next best thing since sliced bread.
Everything was shifting or else spinning loop-de-loops; he was sure at any moment he would toss his cookies (that is if he had a stomach in which cookies could dwell and from which he could toss and in fact Luna has a theory about this but alas we digress).
Then to the hats momentary relief everything stopped and went black as it usually did when no one was wearing him. So naturally the hat sighed in relief thinking he had been taken off the monster's head when a voice called out...
"Hello...? Are you going to sort me soon Mr. Hat?"
Mr. Hat wanted to cry.
It settled instead for asking angrily and rather rudely "What on earth is wrong with you!"
Had this been any other eleven year old first year; they surely would have been offended or more then likely a little scared by such a question asked in such a tone by the almighty sorting hat.
Luna however merely shrugged her shoulders and answered quite earnestly "Wrackspurts I assume, it is the human condition after all but otherwise nothing that I know of."
The hat was about to make a rather scathing, scornful remark but then things started shifting again. He panicked, quickly forgetting his blistering comeback the contents of which contain some rather nasty swear words; that would not at all be appropriate to repeat here, illegal in all seven continents, and would make Voldemort blush like a school girl had he heard them; quickly he shouted the first house he could think of.
And that, my dear friends, is how Luna Lovegood was sorted into Ravenclaw.
Thanks to any who took the time to read this and double thanks to any who may review!