Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

Chapter 13: The Silence Broken

Sam couldn't help his eyes getting misty. What the heck had he been thinking all these years? The letters slipped from his fingers. He was so selfish. He had been selfish. How could he put the only family he had through something like this. He was stronger than this. He had to be stronger than this. He dug the heel of his hand into his eyes to stop the tears. He let out a shuddering breath.

"I'm….I'm sorry Dean", he whispered. The first words spoken in days, his voice cracked.

"I know", came a rough voice a moment later and a pair of arms pulling him close.

"I didn't mean too. I didn't mean for it to go this far."

"I know."

"You should hate me."

"I don't."

"You should."

"I don't."

"It's my fault."

"It's not."

"It is."

"And I said it's not."

There a brief pause before a shuddering voice said, "You'll have to kill me someday."

"I won't."

"You have to."

"I'm not."

"Dean…."

"Sam….."

"It's not the first time. It's not the first time I thought about it. It's only the first time I acted."

Dean was silent letting Sam tell him himself.

"The first time I was 16."

Dean closed his eyes to this terrible knowledge.

"I'm sorry. I really am a weak freak huh?"

"Sam you are not weak and you aren't a freak. I say freak in jest sometimes, but if it bothers you I will stop. However I never said weak in jest. And never will. Never. I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't talk to me about it."

"No Dean, you don't have to apologize. I'm sorry."

"And you don't have anything to apologize for."

"Yes I do. I…."

"Sam, how about we both are sorry and let this one go? We'll be stalemating each other until breakfast tomorrow and beyond."

A short laugh. A pause. "Hey Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

Dean wanted to laugh. "Are you?" he asked instead.

Sam was silent awhile. "I will be okay." Pause. "You'll be here?"

"Always."

"Thank you."

"Welcome."

More silence. A clearing of throat.

"Sam."

"Yes?"

"I meant what I said in that letter. Everything. I'm not going to just let you go and our father was a jerk. You don't lay that on your kid."

Sam smiled sadly, still leaning against his big brother. "Dad never did like me much. Huh, no wonder you were the favored son."

"Sam, our father had difficulty with emotion. Where do you think I got that poor trait from? Dad loved you just as he did me. He just couldn't get himself together long enough to express it. So he expressed it through tough love. He isn't the perfect father, but he did the best he could."

"I got him killed."

"No you didn't, if anything it was me."

"No, if we had been reversed, Dad never would have saved me like he did you."

"Are you serious? You can't say you truly believe that. No, he would have done the same. He would do the same for either of us"

"If you say so." Sam said rather forlornly.

Dean breathed in a breath. At least his brother was talking again. At least he was giving him things to work with. At least he saw now what he needed to tackled. He knew they were going to have a major talk ahead of them. But it was a start. If he spent next 10 years (assuming they live that long, he thought) tackling these issues, then he would. He didn't care. As long as he had his brother.

"You and I are going to have a major talk, kid", Dean smile lightly, carding his hands through Sam's hair.

"I know you are dreading it", he paused a moment before adding, "…..jerk", Sam smirked feeling more himself then he did in a long time.

"B***", was the automatic response and it eased Dean's worry a little more. He shrugged best he could. "Nah, not really. It was a long time in coming."

Too long, were the words left unsaid followed by, almost too late.

Almost, but it wasn't.

Sam pushed himself away from Dean, wiping his eyes. Dean watched him closely. Sam gave him a one dimpled smile, hoping to relieve his tension. It was slow in coming but it did relieve his older brother's tension slightly.

"Sam, tell me the absolute truth. Are you going to be okay? Anything you need I'll get for you." Dean asked. He had to asked, had to make sure.

The first time he seriously thought about it was when he was 16 years old.

The second time he seriously thought about it, he was 22 years old.

The third time he seriously thought about it was after the accident.

The fourth time he seriously thought about it was when his older brother finally leveled with him on why he was acting so for the last couple of months.

The fifth time he seriously thought about it was when he was possessed by Meg and shot and tried to kill his brother.

There was no sixth time; that time he acted.

Sam hesitated a moment making Dean suck in a breath still watching him. Finally Sam looked into his brother's eyes. "I'll be okay." Dean looked into his eyes apparently searching for something, that he found when he Dean gave him his trademark grin, although a little shaky.

And there was no seventh time, nor an eighth or an ninth.

Sam had what he needed.

He wasn't drowning anymore and the silence was broken.

The End

A.N: The end of this story. Dunno if this was the excat ending in mind, oh wait, I didn't have a definite ending so I guess it's a pretty good ending.

I guess the basic point of this story that I think sparked all of this was no matter how bad you are feeling, talk to someone. Whatever you got to do to convey the message, draw a picture, scratch symbols in the snow/sand, paint, write a comic, whatever, just make sure you communicate. It goes a long way. Even if you have to repeat yourself or repeat the message, there are people around you that won't mind being a broken record at times. Take it from the Winchesters.

If I thought of an epilogue (or extra chapter or two if the case may be), would anyone be interested? Mostly if anyone want to read the Winchester's major talk, mostly concerning the drawings Sam did, it would focus on that.

If not, this is the end and thanks for reading!! :)