Spoilers: Not a one.

Beta: Unbeta'd

Disclaimer: This is a transformative work, based on the characters and world created by Charlaine Harris. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's note: This is just something kind of goofy that popped in my head last night while I should have been doing several other things.

**Now there is a second chapter ("Dead Set") which answers who is doing the listening.**

"Seriously, Eric, do you even know what you are doing?"

"Sookie, how old am I?"

"Older than the stars in the sky. But this isn't something from the stone age you are dealing with. This is way newer than you."

"And?"

"And I don't think you know what you are doing."

"And I think you worry too much."

"It's not your house that's going to blow up if this goes horribly wrong."

"If we were at my house, this wouldn't even be an issue."

"Can't you just have one of your...your minions come do this?...Maybe I should call Bill. He'd know what to do."

"The hell you will. I can do this. And it would be a much more pleasant endeavor if you would go sit down in that chair and be quiet."

"Are you dismissing me?"

"No. I'm trying to get you to be quiet so I can concentrate."

"You wouldn't have to concentrate if you knew what you were doing."

"Would you like to do it yourself?"

"No."

"Then do us both a favor and. Be. Quiet."

"Did your fangs just drop? I can see your reflection, you know."

"No, they are safely tucked away. For the moment."

"Liar."

"You are testing my patience."

"Welcome to the club."

"..."

"It's not like I asked for this."

"I know that."

"...Are you done yet?"

"Does it look like I'm done yet?"

"I can't tell. You stopped moving."

"I'm just double checking something..."

"... Were you just mumbling about a red wire? Are you going to blow up my house?!"

"No more of my blood for you. Your hearing has become an impairment to me. And for the last time, no! I'm not going to blow up your house."

"You better not."

"However, I am reconsidering meeting the sun if you continue."

"Sorry."

"Hm."

"...Are you done now?"

"I believe so."

"My house will remain in one piece? And there will be no hospital visits in the near future?"

"Yes to the first and I'm not making any promises on the second, you trying woman. Just hand me that and watch."

"Here. Should I step back?"

"What's that phrase in your Bible? 'O, ye of little faith?'"

"I bet Jesus never had to worry about a vampire blowing up his house. And don't roll your eyes at me, Eric Northman. Now I know where Pam gets it from."

"Shush. Just sit down and watch."

"Where's that fire extinguisher? You know...just in case."

"You wound me."

"Oh, alright already. Let's see it. Make it so, Number One."

"..."

"Well, the picture is sure...vivid. But where's the sound? Shouldn't there be sound, Eric? Why can't I hear anything? The box clearly says 'surround sound.'"

"Maybe if you would stay silent for ten seconds..."

"I'll call Bill. He hooked up his home theater system and his Wii lickety-split. He could be here in a minute. Or less. Even better than Domino's....What are you doing, Eric?"

"You know what Bill cannot do?"

"What?"

"This....or this."

"Mmmmm...you are right about that. Maybe we don't need him after all."

"Uh uh. Besides, TV will just rot your brain. I've seen it happen."

"Ew. But you are so right. I prefer reading anyway..."

"You know what else we don't need?"

"Clothes?"

"Exactly."

"Oh. Well. I guess you do know what you're doing."

THE END