"The nearness of you"

Chapter 1:Loss and Indecision

After the Doctor said goodbye to Sarah-Jane Smith, he returned to the Tardis closing the doors behind him and the smile on his face disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. It was now replaced by an expression of sadness and surrender to the inevitability of eventually losing his companions. He remembered that all too well. Even though he always hid it behind his playful and happy expression and his eagerness to travel and discover new planets and challenges along the way, he always has and always would know what the inevitable passage of time would mean for him.
It didn't mean anything for him physically as he had an incredibly long life span (he was currently 904 years old) but that didn't apply for his companions like Sarah-Jane Smith. He smiled at the thought of her. Even though she had said that she had gotten old, she still looked beautiful to him like when he left her.
Suddenly, the thought hit him like a bullet in the stomach. That was what she had accused him of: leaving her. He dodged the question of course saying that he'd been called back to Gallifrey where humans weren't allowed so he couldn't take her with him and left it at that. It was true of course but that wasn't she meant and he knew it perfectly well: the right answer was that she was right. She had struck a nerve and he made himself shut down completely, involuntarily like a clam protecting itself from its foe.
How could she understand the struggle he was having within himself, the unbelievable weight that his Time Lord nature was as he watched his companions been spirited away from him by the irreversible and never-ending tide which was Time as helpless as a child? How could she even begin to realize what losing her had cost him, how much of a burden in the universe he considered himself to be in the universe when loneliness crushed him like a huge stone boulder?
That loneliness accompanied him every step of the way since the destruction of his home planet and the loss of his people, his family and his friends. But, suddenly, he confronted shop window dummies wreaking havoc in a department store in London, took a hand and said "Run!"

Rose had given him a purpose in his life and brought light in his dark soul making him smile at how much alive she was and at her eagerness to see and learn everything she could of the world. In return, he took her in a mind-blowing adventure across the stars and across time itself: he offered her the universe showing her planets, stars and amazing creatures alike. Every time, he marveled at her reactions when they visited a different place showing her the wonders of nature and of the way each species developed and occupied its place in the universe.("in between running for their lives of course", he thought with an almost smile).

Suddenly,however,his relationship with Rose had developed in a rather strange way. Since his regeneration, he had noticed even though pretending not to show it at all. The kiss he had given her to save her of the destructive effect the Time Vortex had on her still lingered on his mind, a thought he tried not to dwell on for too long as it tormented him greatly. It was one of his most vivid memories: the feel of her lips on his and her soft weight in his arms. He swore he wouldn't become attached to anyone and anything as it would bring him only grief. That was why he tried to keep her out of his mind but, despite his efforts, she lingered there like everlasting torment: her sweet smile, her golden blond hair, the sparkle in her brown eyes, her swan-like neck, her slim waist, the curve of her hips…. "No!" he told himself trying to stop thinking of her that way but he couldn't. Especially after his regeneration, he found himself unbelievably drawn to her like a moth to the flame trying as he might to deny it. He thought that sometimes she could feel his gaze on her like a fire burning on her skin and he had somehow tried successfully to control his emotions for some time. But it was becoming increasingly difficult for him as the time went by as, in his eyes; she continued to become amazingly beautiful every time he saw her.
He had to remind himself constantly to control his raged breathing, the increasing beating of his hearts and the way he looked at her and touched her afraid that he might frighten her enough for her to go running home to her mum.
Sometimes, he thought that that would be best in order to prevent himself from going insane and, most importantly, to save her from the greatest danger of all: The Oncoming .He had come close to carrying that out several times but realized he couldn't no matter how much he ,he had decided he would keep himself away from her physically as much as emotionally as much as he could dreading what the close proximity would do to him on one hand and, on the other hand, her most certain reaction if she realized what his thoughts were: to call him a pervert and ask to be taken home immediately. Not that he would blame her.
He hoped however that that his behavior to her in the past week since his regeneration would not upset her.
Sighing, determined to keep himself occupied to avoid thinking, he ran a hand through his brown hair put on his spectacles and turned to the Tardis console deciding abruptly to give her a full check-up partly in order to make sure she was functioning properly and mostly to quell his sudden impulse to go to Rose's room and see her. If he knew however what was on her mind at that particular moment, he would abandon all thoughts about the Tardis and done exactly that but, regrettably, he didn't.
So, he kept working.