"I hate Dumbledore," Harry muttered. He was currently tied to a chair with invisible bonds. His wand was gone (obviously) and he was helpless (again, if you didn't already guess that then you may be too young to read this).

"So, Harry, how does it feel to be completely at my mercy?" Voldemort said triumphantly, gesturing with his long, bony white hands.

"Please don't say it like that," Harry replied, shuddering. Voldemort frowned.

"And why not?"

"Well... it sounds a bit... kinky," Harry said, cringing. Merlin, he thought. I just said that to my mortal enemy!

"Kinky?" Voldemort repeated, clueless.

"Yeah, you know... the whole sex slave bonding... thing?" Harry blushed.

"Sex?" Voldemort said slowly. "What is... sex?" Harry's eyes widened and he let out a hysterical bark of laughter.

"Yes. You do know what sex is... right?"

"Of course I do!" Voldemort snapped testily. "But... what do you do?" Harry choked.

"Well?" Voldemort demanded as Harry tried to recover.

"Uh...well..." Voldemort lifted his wand, pointing it at Harry warningly. "Sex is... uh, as you know, a way to have...babies." Surprise appeared briefly on Voldemort's barely-human face, but he quickly hid it.

Harry cleared his throat in embarrassment.

"Well...when a man and a woman love each other-"

"I don't want to know about love!" Voldemort interrupted impatiently. "I want to know about sex!"

"I was getting to that!" Harry shouted back angrily.

"As I was saying before you interrupted, when a man and a woman love each other, they feel certain... things. Physical things," Harry clarified. He stopped, looking about the room for a source of inspiration - and bravery - to continue.

"Hurry up! This is boring me!" Voldemort said, brandishing his wand again. Harry sighed.

"Well...there are four bases - or stages - in a physical relationship. First base is kissing... second base is, uh, touching..."

"Why would you willingly touch someone?" Voldemort asked incredulously.

"Well, it's... pleasurable - depending on where you touch..." Harry trailed off.

"Go on," Voldemort said with a lazy flick of his free hand.

"Third base is... um... making out. And fourth base is sex." Harry shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"Making out? What is this?"

Harry thought about it. "You know what kissing is?" He asked carefully. Voldemort nodded slowly.

"Well, it's like... kissing and touching at the same time... with tongues... and things."

Voldemort still looked lost, so Harry decided to move on to the subject of sex itself.

"Sex is... um, well... our bodies are designed to..." Harry paused, swallowing convulsively as heat rose to his cheeks.

"Designed to?" Voldemort prompted, pretending to be uninterested.

"To... uh... reproduce. Guys have... penises... and sperm comes out of it when it is aroused enough..." Harry was, understandably, quite red by now. Almost as red as you would be if you were reading this with your mother watching.

"How do they become aroused?" Harry coughed in embarrassment, attempting to rid himself of horrible mental images concerning Voldemort... *cough*.

"Touching it."

"And how does this involve sex?"

"Well... a woman has certain body parts, too-"

"Penises?"

"Dear Merlin, no! They have... vaginas... um... an opening to the womb, which is connected to two fallopian tubes." Harry strangely found comfort in the pure science of it. "These have eggs in them-"

How do they fit eggs up there?!"

"They... uh... grow them. Inside... it's a natural process..." Voldemort nodded slowly, understanding at least this point.

"Like chickens," he stated proudly.

If Harry hadn't been tied up, he would've slapped a hand over his face. Then again, if he weren't tied up, he wouldn't be in this mess now, would he?

"Not...quite. They don't lay eggs... the eggs - once fertilised by a sperm - is the vessel for a baby. It sits in the womb for nine months as the baby grows, until it is developed enough to be born."

"How is it fertilised?" Voldemort looked almost like a child. A very, very scary one.

"Well, when a man and a woman get aroused... by touching and kissing each other... the man puts his penis into the woman's vagina. Continuously." Harry felt his face burning but continued on bravely like a true Gryffindor.

"If it is the right time of month, the egg is fertilised by sperm which travel up the fallopian tubes... and the man and woman usually have an... an orgasm." Harry closed his eyes tightly, feeling sick, and counted to ten.

"Orgasm?"

"Yeah... when the man ejaculates - sperm comes out - and the woman has muscle spasms. It is - allegedly - very pleasurable. Satisfying," Harry explained with clenched teeth.

"So all the man has to do is to put his penis in her vagina?" Out of Voldemort's mouth, it simply sounded... well, wrong.

"Usually, he has to do it continuously to have an orgasm." Merlin! Harry's mind screamed. Why me?!

"Perhaps that is the reason Bellatrix keeps touching me... I shall try it with her and see what happens."

Harry's mind imploded.