So I was reading through the first chapter. And I was like OH EM GEE, so many typos…Please know that all mistakes are typos. I like to think I have a pretty good command of English. That is what I like to think.

Warning: far-fetched, cracky plot ahead.

–X–

"Ask me about the awesome idea I came up with yesterday," Lavi said, barging into Kanda's room without knocking. As Usual.

Kanda did not respond. As Usual.

Three cheers for normalcy.

"So anyway I was just watching those schoolgirls doing laps," Lavi continued, "and as they moved their taut little bodies up and down the field, a little voice in my head went: Lavi, why should you be the only person watching this exhibition of perfect womanly proportions? It would be much too selfish of you to keep these lovely sights to yourself. Then my voicewent…" Here Lavi grinned and pointed a finger pistol at Kanda. "Go into the pimpin' biz!"

Kanda just stared at him. For once he couldn't think of any remotely cutting remark to make-because out of all the imbecilic schemes Lavi had formulated, this was, by far, the most harebrained.

Make that rabbit-brained. And Kanda was counting the whole sex-education-teacher screwup on that one.

"I can see you're dumbfounded by the sheer brilliance of my enterprise," Lavi said, waving a hand. "Really, Yu, no compliments needed. I'm going back to school to interview potential candidates later. But enough about me. So what happened with your cute little white-haired sexy-loli-shota-beast-schoolboy?"

Kanda made a noise that sounded vaguely like a grunt. Actually, he hadn't quite decided what to do with that bean sprout. There was no way in hell–or heaven, for that matter –that he was going to hook up with another guy.

In the seven years they'd known each other, the stupid rabbit had managed to call him every variation of "you're stuck in the closet but you don't know it" there was. And Kanda had managed to call Lavi every variation of "idiotic pain in the ass" there was, but that was not the point. The point was, he was not going to prove that IQ-challenged rabbit right.

But then how else would he get Walker expelled? Every single teacher he'd talked to thought that Allen was a model student. Respectful, intelligent, diligent, blah.

Like he gave a flying fuck. He didn't like the boy, and when Kanda didn't like someone, they ended up in hospital.

Unfortunately, it seemed quite impossible to cause any kind of physical harm to the boy without losing his job. And as much as he was disgusted by his job, he had to keep it. The idiot rabbit could never pay his share of the rent-what money he earned from his very odd odd jobs was always spent on "tributes to the female anatomy," or porno magazines, if you prefer.

Kanda would have kicked him out long ago if it weren't for the fact that he sucked at housework of any kind. So Lavi did the cleaning, Kanda paid the rent, and the rest of the cash went to feeding themselves.

But anyway. How to get the brat expelled?

Theft? Komui had a fingerprinting kit. Besides, there was an unwritten finders-keepers-losers-boo-freaking-hoo rule at Black Order High.

Damage to school property? Please. There wasn't an inch of Black Order High that hadn't already been covered with graffiti.

Lavi was not exactly helping his thought process. He was talking endlessly about his stupid idea to turn the gym into the Playboy Mansion after school hours, while lighting a cigarette. Kanda glared at the tiny spark of flame at the end of the joint, picturing himself putting it out in the rabbit's eye.

He was halfway across the room, about to do just that, when inspiration struck him.

Sparks. Flame. The Science lab was a breeding ground for fires, what with the combustible chemicals and gas taps and whatnot. Plus he'd heard from Reever that Allen had gotten a detention that day for texting in class-he'd be washing the glass apparatus, supervised by a trainee teacher.

Kanda smirked.

The bean sprout would be out of Black Order High and back where he came from by the next morning.

–X –

Allen turned on the tap, muttering a string of British swear words that make absolutely no sense if you're not British yourself. He loved Lenalee like he would a sister, he honestly did. But sometimes-well, sometimes she could be…

Very much of an inconvenience. For example, she had refused to stop bloody texting him when he told her to.

And that had resulted in him getting a detention with Johnny Gil, a new teacher. He was nice enough, but unfortunately seemed to enjoy playing the dedicated teacher very much. So Allen had been listening to this concentrate-on-your-studies spiel for about half an hour now, while washing glass beakers and trying hard not to break them.

A totally ideal way to spend a Friday afternoon.

Lenalee, naturally, had managed to get out of a punishment. That girl could have talked her way out of Alcatraz if the occasion called for it.

Allen wouldn't have minded staying back for about two hours or so, normally. His uncle was not an ideal guardian, although he apparently was a scientist of some sort. He'd have spent his afternoon around much freakier-looking chemicals and experiments at home than at school, anyway.

But after that incident with Mr. Kanda Yu in the hallway…

Well, all Allen knew was, he would be much safer around weird-looking experiments than at school, where, who knows, he might have lost his virginity to a teacher.

Insert the shudders.

So there Allen was, thinking all this, just as he strode into the lab.

"Gil, Komui wants you in his office. He said I could–" There was ice in Kanda's glare. "Take over."

Allen nearly dropped a rack of test tubes.

Thanks a lot, Lenalee.

–X–

Lenalee twitched.

"Something wrong?" one of the girls sitting next to her asked.

She shook her head. "Nah. Just got one of those, you know, feelings."

The girl just looked at her.

"You know–that feeling you get when someone, somewhere is badmouthing you."

"Ah. We all get those once in a while."

"Ladies, can I have your attention please!" Lavi announced from the front of an empty classroom, where he and about thirty other girls were congregated. "All right, I think you all know why you're here."

The girls–most of whom were scantily dressed and heavily made-up–nodded.

"Yeah, you're here to be interviewed for a membership in the new club I'm setting up," Lavi said, with one of his smirks. "Officially we're the Social Club. Our mission is to –" he looked at a piece of paper– "foster bonds between fellow students and teachers."

A girl muttered, "Yeah, we're fostering bonds all right." A general titter went around the room.

Lavi smiled. "Not necessarily in that sense. All you ladies have to do is go out with our clients, tell a dirty joke or two, make them feel like they're, you know, not desperate perverts. All of you will come back as pure as the virgin snow."

He took another look at the girls who'd come to be interviewed.

"Okay, well, just make sure you come back here with hickeys and nothing more. It's a sense of principle, you know, me being a teacher and all."

He picked up a name list. "Follow me when your name is called. Lenalee Lee?"

There were mutters of surprise as Lenalee stood up–she was, after all, the principal's little sister. It had become something of a title. She glared in annoyance at her schoolmates; they shut up and looked at their overly bling-ed out phones instead.

"All right, Ms. Lee," Lavi said, opening the door to an adjoining classroom and sitting down on a desk. "Tell me about yourself."

Lenalee selected a chair and sat down, crossing her long, slender legs, which were very much emphasized by her black miniskirt; it contrasted strikingly with her pale skin. Lavi almost craned his neck to get a better look. Almost. Komui had an inexplicable intuition for these things.

"I'm a top student. A-grades on every test–no exceptions. I'm on the dance team, the student council, and unlike most girls in this school, I don't just think about sex, booze and partying." She smiled one of her trademark smiles, innocent and yet suggestive at the same time. "I've tried out two of the aforementioned, though, and I can't say I didn't enjoy them."

Lavi returned her smile. "Sounds like you're a good girl. Why do you want to join this club, then?"

"That's the point." She let her heavy black boots slam to the floor. "Ever since coming here, I've become known as the Principal's Little Sister, the one who gets whispered about in locker rooms if she does anything wrong. And also, I think you know how bloody overprotective my brother can get–what, am I supposed to remain a nun until I'm forty?" She looked away, scowling. "And everyone's always simpering at me, like they'll get some special perks out of being my friend. Like I'm the private police for the disciplinary board."

"And you obviously don't like that."

"Obviously." She offered a wry smile. "I used to bitch at them like crazy, just to see how much they could take, and you know what the most pathetic part was? They'd actually give in to me. So I kept on at it until I thought to myself, those ass-kissers aren't worth it. So I dropped the bitch extraordinaire act." She paused, embarrassed at having said more than she'd intended, and to a teacher. "Sorry about the language."

Lavi laughed delightedly. "God," he said, "that was seriously the first time anyone said that to me. Usually it's me telling my roommate that. If only to annoy him." He stood up; Lenalee did so as well.

"I think you'll be a great talent in the Social Club," he said, extending a hand. Lenalee shook it, and–because she had a feeling she would like this guy–winked.

"There, you just proved me right," Lavi laughed. "And one more thing–have you found any friends since you stopped, and I quote, 'being a bitch extraordinaire?' "

Lenalee blinked at the unexpected question. "Well, yeah, just one. Allen Walker. He's the only one who put up with me before and after the whole mess."

"Allen –? Oh," Lavi mock-groaned, shaking his head. "That guy gets all the luck."

Lenalee smiled at the compliment. It had been a while since someone flattered her without making any outright explicit comments. "Are you suggesting that you would like to be my friend, Mr. Lavi?"

"I am indeed. Just write your number down on the list–I'll be needing it for club issues, anyway."

And Lenalee did. She opened the door, rewarded him with another wink, and walked off, ignoring the gazes and whispers of "Did you see that? She was totally flirting with a teacher" that were going around the classroom.

Yes, she was flirting with a teacher, and that teacher had flirted right back. And so what? He was nice, he wasn't old and decrepit like most of their other teachers, and–best of all–he was pretty hot. Lenalee already felt like she was leaving her old self behind; starting to grow up a little. It felt good.

Allen had told her that he'd got a detention for texting in class–he was supposed to be in the science lab now. She could've sworn her teacher was looking straight at her back in class, but he hadn't said anything about it. Of course. Lenalee actually felt kind of guilty for getting away with it, while Allen was punished fairly, like everybody else. But like she was going to put up her hand and announce that she was breaking a school rule.

She spun in a pirouette along the deserted hallway. Maybe she'd go and help him out. He'd be all prickly for a while, then she'd wheedle for a while, he'd smile in spite of himself, and they'd go get an ice-cream or something once they were done. Things always turned out like that.

–X–

Allen kept his eyes firmly placed on the apparatus he was washing.

Kanda just flipped another page of the car magazine he was reading. All he was doing was sitting there, and somehow Allen felt like he'd been cornered. He had to hand it to the teacher, intimidation tactics that effective had to have come from years of practice.

Five minutes more to his dismissal. Miracles came in small packages.

"Hel-lo!" Lenalee sang, sailing through the door. "How's my little pal?"

Like he said. Miracles came in small packages.

Kanda glared at the girl. "Get out, girlie."

Lenalee smiled beatifically. "Oh, sorry. Mr. Kanda, am I right? Well, I've just come to wait for Allen. Surely there's no problem."

Kanda wanted to scream at her, yes, there's a problem, like how the fuck can I set the damned lab on fire if you're here to wait for the bean sprout?

But he had to settle for glaring at her. She didn't seem to notice.

Attempt to Get Allen Expelled: Failed.

He was already imagining several grisly fates for Lavi when he said that to him later, as he surely would.

–X–

Attempt To Write Good Ending: Epic Failed.

Sorreh.