Jeez, how do you even apologize for this much of a delay…? You all must be ready to stab me. And this is better then most of my other stories, too! I am such a bad person… Just know that a lot of shit has been going down on my end and my resolve sorta…died. But thanks to some very sweet PMs asking me to update, it's been REVIVED! And here it is, all juicy and delicious and hot off the presses! This chapter is dedicated to LolliDictator, the winner of the contest! She correctly guessed 'Carry on my Wayward Son' by Kansas, and her request was RussLiet in this chapter! So here you are, my dear (Should I do more of these contests in the future…?) Remember, though—I don't own Hetalia! ON WITH THE SHOW!

Subject: Why Don't We Ever Do Work?

Chapter Three: Rendezvous at the Water Cooler

From: Arthur Kirkland

To: Toris Lorinaitis

Subject: This morning's…incident.

Toris,

I'm really not sure how to phrase this eloquently, or tactfully. Or, well…politely. Or in a way that won't mortify you for at least the next two weeks. But it's not my job to be polite; I'm the boss. That's your job.

Toris, I don't think I've ever had a better secretary. You always keep my meetings on track, and your notes on them are impeccable. You help me pick out ties. You always bring me my absolute favorite tea at the perfect temperature, and you even give me a little lemon wedge in it. Although you KEEP LETTING THAT OAF JONES INTO MY OFFICE EVEN THOUGH I'VE TOLD YOU I HAVE WORK TO DO AND DESPITE WHAT YOU SEEM TO THINK, I DO NOT ENJOY HIS RANDOM VISITS AND BOTH OF US ARE VERY BUSY PEOPLE! …I suppose I'm getting distracted. But, please. Keep him out of my office. For the love of God, I'm begging you.

…What was I even saying in this Email? Oh, right. Please stop making out in my office ON MY DESK with your boyfriend. Thank you.

~Arthur Kirkland

President of Marketing and Sales

From: Toris Lorinaitis

To: Arthur Kirkland

Subject: I, er…um…

Mr. Kirkland,

I'm sorry, sir! I really wasn't planning on doing anything, and he's not my boyfriend! We really aren't in a relationship, I swear! He just came in when I was straightening up the papers on your desk, and you know how Ivan's smile is, like a little sunflower and all that…and the way he says my name with that cute accent of his…Well, it makes me lose my self-control sometimes. We're not actually dating, and I promise it won't happen again. I mean, Ivan has to realize we're not in a deep relationship. We've never been on a date or anything, and he's never met my parents. In fact, the only thing we really do that would imply a relationship is the occasional kissing on your desk.

…I really am sorry about that.

And on a more unrelated note, sir, how could you berate me for letting Alfred into your office? He really brightens up the room, and he's never that much trouble. And also, it really seems to make him happy to see you on a more regular basis.

Plus, he helped me out of a difficult spot a few years back. I really can't say no to him, ever. …Except that one time when he wanted me to come to work in spandex and a cape with him on Halloween. But that was a special case.

I'll be in shortly with your tea, sir. Please leave the door open for me.

Toris Lorinaitis

From: Ivan Braginski

To: Toris Lorinaitis

Subject: Hello, pretty, pretty Toris~!

Torissss~!

I didn't get much of a chance to ask you how your morning was before we sort of attacked each other, so I wanted to know how things were going with you! I hope Kirkland didn't say anything mean to you! He's such a prick sometimes, isn't he~? Hehe! If he said even one word that made you feel uncomfortable or sad, I might just have to go into his room in the middle of the night with a butcher knife and an axe and teach him a lesson about how to treat a gentle, sweet young man such as you~ Just imagining it makes me so excited…Kol…Kolkolkolkol…

OH MY GOODNESS! SOMEBODY PLANTED SUNFLOWERS OUTSIDE THE WINDOW NEAR MY CUBICLE! THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, OH MY GOODNESS! EEEE~! LOOK AT THEIR DELICATE LITTLE PETALS AND THE WAY THEIR LEAVES FLUTTER IN THE BREEZE! THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO WARM INSIDE~!

What was I even talking about?

Ah, that's right~! When we get married, would you mind wearing my family's traditional wedding gown? Normally I wouldn't ask, and I know you probably want to pick out your own dress. But, well, it was my grandmother's, and my mother's too, and it's always been a dream of mine that when I get married I would get to see my blushing bride in my family wedding dress! So if you wouldn't horribly mind, will you come over to my apartment one of these days and let my sister take your measurements in case we need to take the dress in? Thank you~

With love always,

Ivan =D

(Do you like the smiley-face? Alfred taught me how to make them! It's so cute! You just turn your head on its side and there it is! See, the equal sign is eyes, and the 'D' is a big smiling mouth! See it? SEE IT?)

From: Toris Lorinaitis

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz

Subject: OH MY GOD, FELIKS, WHAT DO I DO?

FELIKS, I AM FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.

APPARENTLY IVAN THINKS WE'RE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP AND IS TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE.

MARRIAGE!

HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED TO ME! AND HE WANTS ME TO WEAR HIS GRANDMOTHER'S WEDDING DRESS! Which is actually rather sweet when you think about it…I mean, his grandmother probably meant a lot to him, and he said it's his dream to have his bride wear that dress when she's walking down the aisle…

BUT I AM NOT AT ALL READY TO MAKE THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT TO SOMEONE WHO I JUST MAKE OUT WITH FROM TIME TO TIME! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M READY TO MAKE THAT COMMITMENT AT ALL!

WHAT DO I DO? HELP ME!

From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

To: Toris Lorinaitis

Subject: YOU SAID 'OH MY GOD'! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

Oh, Tori! I'm so excited for you! You've finally found that special someone and you're getting married! I'm your maid of honor, right? Because if I'm not some shit is gonna, like, HIT THE FAN. If any skank tries to take my spot, I swear I'll claw her prissy little eyeballs out with my gorgeous nails. By the way, did you notice my new manicure? I was thinking about doing French tips, but I thought that would look a little too gaudy. Instead, I triple-coated them in this GORGEOUS shade of magenta polish that goes with my new scarf!

WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT. BRAINSTORM. I COULD TOTALLY GIVE YOU A MANI-PEDI FOR THE WEDDING! EEEE, I'M SUCH A GENIUS! Okay, sit with me at lunch. I'm gonna run out to my car super quick and get my whole collection of nail polish, and we're gonna go through all the different shades and see what goes best with your eyes. I'm thinking either Lilac Purple or Peach Melba, but let's wait until we see up-close, mmkay Tori?

Wait, what am I saying? How could I focus on nail polish when there's a much bigger issue here? Tori, how could you do something so, like, ridiculous? You can't agree to wear his grandmother's wedding dress until you see how it fits on your body! I mean, two weeks ago I decided to try on my Mom's old bridesmaid gown from my Aunt's wedding (which was totally a stupid idea because I usually look so trampy in fuchsia taffeta). And it looked totally sexy on the hanger, but when I put it on it made my hips look as big as Free Willy. So don't make your beau any promises until you get fitted. Alright? Peachy!

I'm gonna go make some arrangements for the bachelorette party! I bet I can talk Yong Soo into video-taping the wedding, too! He's always using that camera of his to videotape Yao. I'll go see him about it right now! TTYL, My little butternut squash!

Hugs and kisses,

~*~*~Your Bestie, Feliks*~*~*

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Gilbert Bielschmidt

Subject: WANNA KNOW WHAT'S HILARIOUS?

HEY, GILBERT. GUESS WHAT.

IVAN IS GETTING MARRIED TO TORIS AND YOU'RE STILL PINING OVER ELIZABETA LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT IN 'YOU BELONG WITH ME'. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

EVEN THE GUY WHO BEAT UP A WHOLE FOOTBALL TEAM FOR STEPPING ON A SUNFLOWER IS IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. AND YOU'RE STILL LONELY AND PATHETIC, DRINKING OUT YOUR FRUSTRATIONS ABOUT LOSING THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS IN HIGH SCHOOL TO A PIANIST WHO STARCHES ALL HIS CLOTHES. EVEN HIS UNDERWEAR. IN FACT, THE ONLY PERSON WHO WOULD GO TO THE PROM WITH YOU WAS ME, AND I'M THE SAME PERSON WHO GAVE YOU A BLACK EYE YESTERDAY BECAUSE YOU DARED TO INSULT MY YAO. PAYBACK'S A BITCH.

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

YONG SOO!

From: Gilbert Bielschmidt

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: Your face, mom, sex life, or all of the above?

HEY, YONG SOO. GUESS WHAT.

YOU'RE EVEN MORE ALONE THEN I AM! BECAUSE WHILE YOU'RE PINING AFTER YOUR WEIRD SHEMALE I'M GETTING OUT AT NIGHTS AND HAVING AMAZING SEX WITH DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS WOMEN. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

ALSO, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO MAKES REFENCES TO TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS. AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER, YOU ALSO DIDN'T HAVE A PROM DATE. BECAUSE THE GIRL YOU WERE MADLY IN LOVE WITH IN HIGH SCHOOL WAS SO DISTURBED BY YOU THAT SHE DRAGGED HER BROTHER TO PROM INSTEAD SO SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO WITH YOU. AND THEN YOU GOT AN EVEN BIGGER THING FOR HER BROTHER AND PINED AFTER HIM ALL THOUGH COLLEGE EVEN THOUGH YOU ONLY MET HIM ONCE FOR THREE SECONDS AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIS FUCKING NAME.

AND NOW, EVEN THOUGH BY SOME RANDOM COINCIDENCE YOU WORK AT THE SAME COMPANY, HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU. AND HE THINKS YOU'RE A PSYCHO. AND BY THE WAY, YOU'RE RIGHT. PAYBACK IS A BITCH.

-Gilbert

From: Yao Wang

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: What happened?

Dear Elizabeta,

I'm sorry to bother you when you might be working (Yeah, right), but do you have any idea what happened to Yong Soo? He's been beat up pretty bad. His lip is split, and he has bruises all over his face. He looked pretty in-pain yesterday, but today he looks even WORSE. The poor man… Every time I ask him what happened, he just laughs and tells me not to worry about it. He won't say a thing to me, but you two tell each other everything, right? Can you fill me in on what happened with him? I promise I won't tell him you told me.

I just…well, I'm worried about him. He's such a sweet boy, and if anyone is hurting him…Well, I'll make them regret it.

Please get back to me soon. This is really important to me.

Anxiously,

Yao Wang

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: OH MY GOD, YONG SOO!

YONG SOO!

YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS! THIS IS SO GOOD! OH LORD, YOU'RE GOING TO JUST DIIIIE! THIS IS EVEN BETTER THEN JONES LOSING THAT DRINKING CONTEST TO GILBERT AND HAVING TO GO STREAKING THROUGH THE OFFICE IN JUST HIS SOCKS!

Although admittedly that was both hilarious and disturbing. My god, I needed a CANOE to get through all the drool flowing out of Kirkland's mouth. I swear, that man needs to stop swimming in denial before the crocodiles get him.

…HAHAHAHAHA. GOD DAMN, I'M HILARIOUS.

But anyway. APPARENTLY YAO NOTICED YOU GOT HURT AND IS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU! HE WANTS ME TO TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED, AND HE SAID HE WOULD MAKE WHOEVER WAS HURTING YOU 'REGRET IT'!

EEEEEEE!

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Oh my god what...?

...
AKJHUIAEFJN VUTIREOAKLDSJFNBGHURK!

THERE IS A FUCKING GOD.

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Yao Wang

Subject: So you DO care about him…?

Wow, Yao. I thought you were just a frigid bitch all the time. But there IS something sweet under that pretty face! I'm so proud of you! Your small heart grew three sizes today! (Man, I am on FIRE today! It is a good day for Elizabeta, let me tell you!)

But according to Yong Soo and various other sources (that must remain nameless because of confidentiality; sorry, but that's just how I roll), Gilbert was antagonizing Yong Soo by insulting you. Y'know, calling you a girl like he usually does. I know for a fact that's also what started the fight yesterday, so I'm assuming Gilbert bringing it up again was a sore spot. And Yong Soo's always been superserious about 'protecting your honor' which I really DON'T understand, but it's very sweet anyway. He took on Beilschmidt because he was saying rude things about you! That boy is too cute for words.

…Yong Soo, I mean, not Beilschmidt. Beilschmidt is about as cute as a rabid squirrel that eats your legs off and then takes a crap on your face.

But that's the story, anyway. Yong Soo apparently snuck up behind him by ducking behind plants and humming mission impossible, which Beilschmidt didn't notice since he's almost as dense as Jones. He finally caught up to him right in front of the blood stain from when Sadiq punched Herakles in the nose and (I kid you not) tackled him from behind and attempted to throttle him with his bare hands. Beilschmidt attempted to buck him off and ended up crashing into Lovino (Aka, Not-Feliciano the intern), who fell on top of cute little Tino-the-guy-who-always-leaves-a-50%-tip-for-waiters-when-we-go-out-to-lunch. So there was a pigpile on poor Tino, with Lovino who was cussing up a storm and Beilschmidt and Yong Soo who were trying to beat the crap out of each other. They were down there for awhile, until BERWALD came by, who only saw three people crushing his Tino like a grape. His face darkened and he LIFTED ALL THREE OF THEM OFF WITH HIS SUPER BADASS STRENGTH AND THREW THEM INTO THE WATER COOLER. Which shattered all over and drenched them and Ludwig, who was lurking there per usual. But Berwald scooped up Tino in a bridal carry (TOO CUTE! Tino is totally the light of his existence. HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT TO ME ONCE) and carried him back to his cubicle.

So, yeah. That's what happened. Im Yong Soo has SOME wounds from the whole smashing-into-a-water-cooler thing, but more of them are from the fight with Beilschmidt. Beilschmidt is pretty damaged as well, and he has these interesting claw-marks around his throat, which I might pity him for except he's a little shit. And BERWALD NEEDS TO GO AHEAD AND ASK TINO TO LUNCH. I mean, REALLY. He calls the man his wife, and they've never had a nice dinner together, just the two of them.

But they're still cute as HELL.

Oh well. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Elizabeta signing off!

From: Yao Wang

To: Gilbert Bielschmidt

Subject: You just made the biggest mistake of your life.

Dear Gilbert,

I'm sorry it's had to come to this. I really don't dislike you any more than anyone else in this office, although generally people in this office tend not to like you. I mean, yes, you're obnoxious, and you're annoying, and make passes at several people who are definitely out of your league (I mean, really. I think everyone in this whole office EXCEPT Elizabeta knows how utterly smitten you are with her. Even Jones, and Jones thinks that Francis touches his butt because he has dirt on his jeans). But you've never done anything to offend me otherwise, at least personally.

That is, until today.

You see, you made a serious error today when you hurt my Yong-Soo. I know many people think I don't care for him at all, and he is one of those people. And sure, he's aggravating and overzealous, and I'm a little uncomfortable with the way he looks at me when he eats frozen yogurt. Only with the strawberry kind, though, which is a little odd… But he's also sweet, caring, and loving, and nothing should ever dampen his beautiful smile. Especially not some asshole's fist in his face.

And yes, Beilschmidt, I am talking about you.

If you have any guts at all, you'll meet me at the shattered remains of the water cooler and take your beating like a man. If not, I'll hunt you down and rip your hair out one fistful at a time. I'll be waiting, so don't you dare stand me up. Be there in fifteen minutes.

And just remember, you brought this on yourself.

…But I hope we can still be friends in the future.

Yao Wang

From: Berwald Oxenstierna

To: Tino Väinämöinen

Subject: I want you to be careful.

Tino,

This is okay, right? I've never sent you an email before, I didn't want to bother you when you probably don't have a lot of time to waste reading my emails. But this is also important, and I'm a little reluctant to go see you because Mr. Kirkland seems to be in one of his moods. Although he never seems to yell at me…and he always avoids eye contact with me…maybe he knows I work very hard and doesn't want to yell at me because he knows I do my best. I should thank him for his kindness and sensitivity the next time I see him. I hadn't realized he was so good-natured.

But I just wanted to send an email to let you know that I want you to be cautious. There have been an unusual number of violent outbreaks in the office, and I'm a little worried that you might get caught up in more of them. I mean, Yong Soo and Gilbert didn't even notice you were stuck under them! You sprained your ankle so badly (Speaking of which, do you need a new bag of ice for that? If so, please let me know), and I think you should be especially cautious when you leave your cubicle. In fact, if it's not too presumptuous to ask, would you mind if I…if I walked you to and from lunch every day? I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but I'm really worried. I mean, did you see what happened to Gilbert? Not only did Yong Soo tackle him and claw at his neck, but I just went by the water cooler again on the way to go get my good printer back from our slightly irritating Danish friend (I really wish he would stop stealing my Printer. He keeps yanking it out of my cubicle and running off with it when I go to get my morning cup of coffee. I don't even want to know what he prints out of it, except it always comes back out of ink), I saw Yao beating him senseless. Him being Gilbert. I don't think it's physically possible for him to hurt Yong Soo.

…Although I have seen Yong Soo running while Yao chased him and threw the entire office's supply of staplers at him. But he didn't get hit by any of them. And I know that Yao is a good enough shot to have bashed his head with them if he wanted to. He must have had an off day.

But anyway. I know you would never do a single thing to hurt anyone, but if you wouldn't mind walking with me to lunch, please drop me a line, either via emailing or just in person. Thank you kindly for your time, and I'm sorry if I interrupted your work.

Berwald

From: Tino Väinämöinen

To: Berwald Oxenstierna

Subject: I promise I will!

Dear Berwald,

It's never anything but a pleasure to hear from you, I don't know why you think it would be a bother to receive one of your emails! In fact, I think you should do it more often. It really brightens up my day to get the opportunity to talk to you a little more.

I would be thrilled if you would walk with me to lunch every day! In fact, I was going to take my lunch break right now and go to that sweet little café on the corner and maybe have a chicken salad sandwich there. If you would be interested in joining me, meet me at the destroyed water cooler in five minutes. I'm really hoping you'll say yes, and I'm waiting eagerly for your decision! Thank you very much for your time, and with any luck, I'll see you shortly!

Love,

Tino

(…B-but Love in the platonic sense. Not, like, IN love. Just…WITH love. Platonically.)

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN.

BERWALD AND TINO ARE HAVING A SECRET RENDEZVOUS AT THE WATER COOLER.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: ...Why does everyone in this office have rendezvous at the water cooler?

HOLY SHIT, BERWALD IS MAKING A MOVE.

HELL TO THE FUCKING YES.

TEAM LIZZIE-SOO IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN.

PEACE.