Art Attack!

Jedi Goat

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Author's Note: It's been a while since I wrote some humor... So, here you go ^.^

Down at the top-secret Akatsuki hideout, it was business as usual. This morning, alone in his room, Sasori struggled to focus on his puppets – hampered by the boisterous swearing of a certain zombie duo next door. He growled under his breath, eyes narrowed as he steadied a tiny screw against the puppet's neck. He'd been working to repair its head all morning; now, as he carefully held it in place, he reached for the screwdriver to secure it.

The door jarred open loudly behind him; the screw slipped from his fingers and with a hiss of annoyance Sasori watched it bounce away beneath his desk. He swiveled around to face the blond intruder.

"What now, brat? Can you see I'm busy?"

His sharp words had no effect on his partner, whose visible blue eye quickly scoured the room even as he hurriedly spoke. "Danna, have you seen my clay birds? – I made them just this morning, hmm." He gestured wildly for emphasis, now haphazardly yanking open a set of drawers and peering inside.

Sasori paused long enough in his search for the escaped screw to glare at him. "Why should I know where they are? I wouldn't touch your travesty of art." His lips twitched at a sneer and he returned his attention to the more pressing matter at hand. "Stop pawing through my stuff, brat."

He needn't have said anything, for Deidara stopped short at this biting remark, hands on hips. He drew himself up importantly, his eye narrowed dangerously. "My art, a travesty? Danna, you have no appreciation for real art. Art is instantaneous, a single moment of beauty arising from the mundane, a blast forever etched in the memory, a glorious burst of-"

Had Sasori the patience to listen, his partner surely would have ranted for a long time. However, the puppeteer had never been known for his tolerance; he sat up, wearily rubbing his temples as though his partner's rambling voice alone was giving him a migraine.

"You think that is art?" he snapped, cutting Deidara off. "Brat, you know nothing of the beauty – the eternal beauty – of art."

"And your puppets are art, hmm?" he demanded incredulously. "Your so-called art is dull and unmoving – it leaves absolutely no impression on its audience, hmm!" He seemed to have entirely forgotten his previous quest, now sauntering over to his partner's desk and braced his hands against it, staring down at Sasori, lips pursed. "Real art lasts only a moment but leaves its impression forever!"

"That impression is meaningless on those who do not experience your 'art'," Sasori retorted. He stood as well – but since he was considerably shorter than Deidara, the effect was ruined somewhat. His glare, however, was livid fire. "My puppets, on the other hand, are experienced generation after generation…"

"My art is remembered for its impression," Deidara countered. "Who cares enough to think about dusty old puppets, hmm?" He grinned, his voice rising confidently as he concluded, "Art is a bang!"

"Brat –"

At the door, which was still wide open, a silhouette came into view. As one, Sasori and Deidara whirled on the one with the misfortune to stumble upon their argument.

"Tell him art is a bang!" Deidara yelled, waving his arms feverishly. His one blue eye was passionately wild.

"Surely you agree art is eternal," Sasori pressed at the same time in his soft voice. As always, his face was perfectly free of emotion except for the faint, dangerous narrowing of his eyes.

The visitor quaked at this simultaneous appeal, nervously clasping his hands together. He stuttered.

"T-Tobi is a g-good boy…"

His senpai flourished a clay bird and held it out on his palm, smiling. "Be a good boy and agree with me, hmm." His grin widened as he raised his other hand in a familiar seal; Tobi flinched at the open threat.

"No," Sasori countered quietly, his tone hardened, "you know his art is a lie. A good boy should tell the truth, should he not?"

Tobi ran a hand through his dark hair, sweating as he looked between the two artists. His mind whirled. Agree with Deidara-senpai and be a good boy. No, agree with Sasori-san and be a good boy…

Tobi trembled as he thought. If Tobi agreed with Sasori-san, Deidara-senpai would blow him up for sure. The look on his senpai's face was a challenge he knew well. Yet, if Tobi agreed with Deidara-senpai, Sasori-san would find an even more gruesome and slow manner to kill him.

It was too much pressure. Tobi cracked.

"Don't kill Tobi!" he wailed, falling to his knees in the doorway, hands over his mask, words tumbling out in a sobbing rush.

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi just wanted to see if senpai wanted to bake cookies with Tobi because Tobi is a good boy and Tobi thinks both your art is good and Tobi is a really good boy and Tobi doesn't want to die don't kill Tobi because then Tobi won't be a good boy anymore and Tobi will be kicked out of the Akatsuki and Kisame will make Tobi into sushi and the Akatsuki will eat Tobi and Tobi won't be a good boy anymore and Itachi will use Tsukuyomi on Tobi and Tobi won't be a good boy anymore and Hidan will sacrifice Tobi to Jashin and Tobi will be even deader and Tobi won't be a good boy anymore and Kakuzu…"

Tobi stopped, lacking oxygen. Then he crumpled in a faint.

"…"

Sasori and Deidara stared at Tobi's unconscious form in the doorway a moment. Then Deidara poked at the headless puppet on the desk, grimacing.

"This is art? Let me fix it up a bit, hmm." He raised the clay bird still in his hand.

"Do you want to die, brat?" Sasori growled, smacking his hand away.

"Art is a bang!

"Art is eternal!"

And so their argument continued.

End

Who do you agree with? :P Please review!