Prologue

It was like… being aware. Every atom, each finger, toe, strand of hair, the patch of skin between her neck and her chest – everything was felt. Connected.

Her mouth never came. She tried stretching it open but there was nothing to stretch. She knew she had eyes because she could see the darkness. It was thick, it was deep, and encased her whole body. She felt all of it, pressing against her. Seeping in – she was the darkness. She felt the familiar vibrations in her chest, rising to her throat, buzzing within, demanding to be released. But no scream, nothing. Not even a whimper could get out. She couldn't even take a breath.

And then suddenly, she was cold. And stiff. She felt so cold. And she couldn't see, couldn't hear, couldn't think. And then suddenly, green. All she could see. A green light straining at her, tearing at her, so much pain, but it was leaving. Leading away from her somehow. She felt something move. Something apart of her. Her mouth! Yes, she was… laughing. She felt it resounding throughout her body. Why was she laughing? Her arm was outstretched. Pointing towards… a Weasley. The Weasley woman. Everything felt forced. Controlled. Slow. Every detail passing through her eyes. And then… speed.

Molly Weasley pushing past her daughter, the mudblood, the dope blonde; Weasley running; the mudblood firing a spell… faster now. Even faster.

Pushing past Hogwarts gates; approaching Hogwarts gates. The wind felt wrong somehow. She felt wrong. Leaving the forest; running through the forest. Why were the chants leaving her ear? Come back, come back!

Harry Potter dead; Voldemort on the ground, her breath on his pale cheek; Harry Potter alive; Harry Potter approaching; Harry Potter revealed… but he was dead a second ago. What was happening? She was going backwards…

With Voldemort; apparating; mark burning; pacing the manor; Cissy's frantic mutterings; third swig of a bottle; second swig of the bottle; first swig of the bottle; Lucius locking the liquor cabinet, this was her whole day.

Walking down the stairs; opening her door; rolling out of bed; waking up in bed; sleep.


Chapter One

She opened her eyes slowly. She sat up slowly. She pushed off the covers. She stood up. She headed toward the mirror. She gazed into the mirror. Slow. And most importantly, all in a forward motion. The world was right.

"A bad dream." She murmured to her reflection. "An anxiety dream."

But what had she to be anxious about? She hadn't had a nightmare since, well, Azkaban. But before Azkaban, when she had only been a child, her nightmares were vague. Clearly the fantastical concoctions of an eight year old who had disobeyed daddy's orders and read the horror book she shouldn't have. But this dream, this nightmare, was so detailed. Like the ones in Azkaban. Only those were memories, clear and painful, and pulled to the forefront of her mind.

"Bella? Bella are you up yet?"

But these weren't memories. They couldn't be. Nothing had happened yet. Harry Potter wasn't dead – yet.

"Bella? Bella, please. Are you up?"

Her lord was alright. And she was alright.

"Bella! I need to talk to you."

She took one glance at her reflection before taking a deep breath. Compose yourself. She strode toward the door and turned the knob. She turned away even as she opened the door and settled back on the bed.

"Close the door behind you, will you Cissy?"

"Of course." Narcissa hissed.

Bellatrix raised an eyebrow as her sister knelt in front of her. Her arms weighing on her lap.

"Bella, I need to talk to you." She repeated.

"So you've said. Well?"

Narcissa swallowed thickly. Bellatrix started to feel a little tense. She wasn't close to many people, but Cissy was one of those few. If something was wrong… but of course something was wrong. Cissy's life of late wasn't as charmed as she had grown accustomed to.

"Cissy, what is it?"

"I – I want to come."

"Come? Come where?"

"With you. To the b-battle."

"What? Why would you want to -?"

"My baby, Bellatrix!" Her sister's nails pierced her sides as she raised herself at eye level. "I need to be there. I need to be there for Draco."

Bella felt something stir in her mind. Her memory. Why was this conversation so familiar? Had Cissy begged before?

"Why are you coming to me? What could I do? Why not ask –?"

"Lucius?" Cissy laughed humorlessly. "He can't worry about me and his son. I understand." And Bellatrix found herself startled to see her sister's eyes tearing up. "But I have to go, Bella. I have to go. And you, you're the Dark Lord's favorite. I know you are. I know he'd listen to you."

This all felt familiar. Cissy begging. Flattering her. This had all happened. And what she'd do next, it had already happened.

"I'll do my best, Cissy."

"Oh!" Cissy grabbed Bellatrix in a crushing hug.

"Ugh. Cissy, please!"

"Oh, Bella! I knew I could count on you. Thank you, thank you!"

She pulled away and placed a kiss on her sister's cheek. A whispered, "Thank you." And she was out the door.

Bellatrix stared as she went. It wasn't that she wasn't used to affection from her sister. But that kiss, that particular kiss… she placed a hand on her cheek. The kiss seemed fixed. A layer upon a layer. Hadn't this occurred? Hadn't that kiss been placed? She closed her eyes and fell back gently onto the bed. An image was weaving into her mind. Cissy's lips pressing against her cheek. It happened not a minute ago. But why did it feel like a lifetime ago?

"I need a drink." She muttered to herself.


She entered the living room when Lucius was just leaving. The liquor cabinet was locked tight. Lucius walked with a distinct jingle from beneath his robes.

"Morning." He mumbled as he passed.

"Morning." She said.

She waited until he was down the hall before casting 'alohamora.'

"Oh, that's good." She leaned on the mantle as the bitter liquid ran down her throat. She took another swig of the bottle before casting her eyes over the pictures. Cissy had plenty of pictures of herself on the mantle. Cissy as a precious baby, as a toddler, as a schoolgirl. Bellatrix picked up one of her and Cissy from years back. It was her fifth year and Cissy's first. Cissy was smiling brightly in the picture though Bellatrix knew how nervous she was. She could remember Cissy's small hand clutching her own. Her nails piercing her skin. Just like earlier today. Begging for her son. Bellatrix sighed before glancing at the smudge moving next to her picture self. Cissy had tried cursing the blood traitor off of all the pictures they'd shared together. That was a lot of pictures. Bellatrix had simply thrown them all out.

She placed the picture back on the mantelpiece.

"For you, Cissy." She promised to the smiling schoolgirl. "I'll try."


"You wanted to see me, Bella?"

She bowed down and touched the hem of his robes to her lips.

"Yes, my lord. Thank you for speaking with me."

"This is a very important day for me, Bella." Her master's voice hissed. "I do not wish to waste my time with matters of no importance."

She licked her lips nervously. You better appreciate this, Cissy. "My lord, I wish to make a request. Not for myself but for my sister, Narcissa."

"I know who your sister is, Bellatrix. Or did you suppose I might assume you were talking about the blood traitor whom you've failed to kill."

"My lord, I would never –"

"You've also failed to kill her husband, the mudblood; and their daughter and her husband, the werewolf. Tell me, Bellatrix, what makes you think that you deserve a request from me?"

She bowed her head away from his angry gaze. The red beams piercing her as harshly as Cissy's nails. Cissy believes that I hold the Dark Lord's ear. And despite his present anger, this feels familiar. This feels… passing. Another image conjured in her mind. A response seemed to rumble inside her chest, pressing through her mouth.

"Forgive me, my lord. I have failed. But my sister is a great witch of prestigious skill, though she does not display it often. She can be a great asset to our cause. Especially on this day." You would not speak to me if you were angry. You would not hear me at all.

"You think I need help?"

Bellatrix kept her mouth shut. Her lord began to twist his wand in his hands.

"She may join us, Bella." She breathed a sigh of relief. Cissy will be happy. "But if she gets in my way, it will be on your head."

She rose and bowed as she exited. "Thank you, my lord."

Don't worry, my sister is fully capable.


They sat in the living room staring at the fire. Lucius' hands were gripped on the arms of his chair. His jaw set for hours. He hadn't glanced once at Bellatrix or at his wife. Rodolphus was sipping brandy, fingering his wedding band. Bellatrix was stroking her left arm absentmindedly. She was watching her sister frantically pacing around the room, tapping her wand at her thighs. Sparks were flying but she wasn't paying any mind.

"Mm." Bellatrix shut her eyes as a double vision entered them. Cissy pacing. She saw her now, and she saw her then. Frantic pacing. A layer upon a layer.

"Are you alright, love?" Rodolphus stood in front of her.

She looked up but was saved from answering.

"It's time." Lucius said, as their arms burned. He put his arm around his wife's waist. "Let's go." He turned them both in place and they were gone.

Bellatrix started to turn but was stopped by her husband.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes, Rod." She pulled away from him. "I'm fine."

He searched her face. She sighed and took his hand. "You know we can't be late. Let's just get this blood bath started."

He nodded and they turned in place together.


"My friends," Lord Voldemort's cold voice was soft but clear. "Tonight is the night."

They all stood silently, shivering against the cool breeze but made no motion to warm themselves. Voldemort's voice kept them flushed, a promise of a battle. Action.

"Tonight we make history. Tonight starts a glorious campaign and in the end, after we have won, after we have proven our worth, our might, every witch and wizard will know our names. And they will know why we have made the hard decisions we've made. And the world will be pure."

"And our children will be safe."

Bellatrix heard the words a second before he spoke them. She had heard this speech before. What is this? I can't be going mad the night of the biggest fight of my life! What is wrong with me?

"It is time." Voldemort's coat swished as he turned around, his piercing eyes directed at Hogwarts. "We begin."

"Love," Lucius whispered quietly. "You have to stop shaking."

Narcissa stood in between him and Bellatrix, shaking uncontrollably.

"Cissy, stop it." Bellatrix ordered. "What would our lord do if he saw you like this?"

Narcissa visibly struggled as she attempted to steady her breathing. Bellatrix wrapped an arm around her waist as Lucius stroked her hand. It struck them both that this was the most contact between them, as it had always been. Narcissa had always been the one to keep the family together. Always the intermediary between parent and child, sister and sister, cousin and cousin, father and son, husband and sister – in – law. Both Bellatrix and Lucius looked straight ahead, the death eaters rounded a half circle with Voldemort in the muddle, a throne among the forest trunks and pebbles. Stars winking above with Mars shining more brightly than ever. Bellatrix and Lucius stared straight ahead, their Cissy trembling between them, longing for their youngest. A cub strayed from the pack. Alone. They stared straight ahead, touching only through Narcissa and they knew. This was what they were fighting for.

They waited. And they waited. Voldemort's warning faded but etched in their minds.

I know that you are preparing to fight. Your efforts are futile. You cannot fight me. I do not want to kill you. I have great respect for the teachers of Hogwarts. I do not want to spill any magical blood.

Give me Harry Potter, and none shall be harmed. Give me Harry Potter, and I shall leave the school untouched. Give me Harry Potter, and you will be rewarded.

You have until midnight.

Bellatrix shut her mind, ignoring the thoughts threatening to burst. I've heard this before.

They waited. And then they waited. Until finally, DING. Midnight.

"Their choice," The Dark Lord said. "My faithful…"

"Advance!"


Running fast, feet flying, wind blowing through the air, and Hogwarts Castle loomed above as she broke through the last leaves of the forest. No thinking, just running. And soon…

"Crucio!" Her battle cry hit someone, she didn't care who. Suddenly she was everywhere, back in her beloved castle, her kingdom. The Queen had returned.

She ran among the throngs, hitting anything that moved. Her wand lashing out, she ducked spells, and ran around winding stairs and halls she once so well knew.

I'm back.

"Stupe – aargh!"

She followed the cry and turned around just in time to see one of their giants' hands smashing through the window. She didn't try to stop her laugh. This felt so… nice. This was a battle. A real fight. Utter chaos but she'd come back on top. Queen of Chaos. And her lord would take notice. And her lord would know.

"Avada Kedavra!" A man fell at her feet and she walked on.

All around her splinters of wood flew, shouts, thundering, shrieks for help. She breathed it in. She just knew she was going to win.

"You have fought valiantly. Lord Voldemort knows how to value bravery. Yet you have sustained heavy losses. If you continue to resist me, you will all die, one by one. I do not wish this to happen. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a lost and a waste. Lord Voldemort is merciful. I command my forces to retreat immediately.

You have one hour. Dispose of your dead with dignity. Treat your injured.

I speak now, Harry Potter, directly to you. You have permitted your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself. I shall wait for one hour in the Forbidden Forest. If, at the end of that hour, you have not come to me, have not given yourself up, then battle recommences. This time, I shall enter the fray myself, Harry Potter, and I shall find you, and I shall punish every last man, woman, and child who has tried to conceal you from me. One hour."

They were called back. She was reluctant to leave but the mark was burning. She, her fellow death eaters, the enormous spiders, the giants, and the dementors (she stayed clear of them) swarmed back into the forest, gathering around their lord. Tied by ropes to a tree stood the buffoon Hagrid. Helpless but not yet dead.

The whispers started. A pulse running through them all. Lucius had seen him last, had delivered a message to his friend, sent him to Voldemort. And now, Snape was dead.

Snape, Snape, Snape. The pulse beat through them all.

Something was wrong. Snape was dead? She wasn't exactly his greatest fan, actually she hated the man, but still. He was one of the dark lord's favorites. How could he have been so easily disposed of?

Lucius looked much paler than usual. She knew Voldemort hadn't let him join the fight. Which meant he hadn't had a chance to look for Draco. Draco…

"Cissy," she whispered to her sister. "Why wasn't Draco with the other Slytherins?"

Her sister shook her head imperceptibly and stared straight ahead. Cold and unfeeling.

"Cissy?" Bella breathed, her plead barely reaching her sister.

Narcissa was saved from answering by Voldemort's motion. Bella's eyes snapped to his form as he raised his head to address the two men joining the group.

"No sign of him, my Lord." Dolohov spoke as he and Yaxley sat down.

Voldemort stared at a space in the middle of their little clearing. Suddenly a fire erupted in the middle. Some fell back as it cackled, but not Bellatrix.

"My Lord," she whispered tenderly, but let her voice trail off as he raised his hand. Across from her, Rodolphous stirred.

Voldemort muttered something to himself. Yet it was clear. Or it should have been. She heard the words but, no not now. I can't take it now.

Voldemort talking, and someone else. Someone was here. She looked away from her master. Here. She tried to focus. She saw too many things. Fog, a haze, a distortion in their frames. Where was…?

"…I was, it seems… mistaken."

"No you weren't!"

Bellatrix leaped off the ground excitedly, arm pointing in the direction of the boy, a second before he revealed himself. No one knew where to look. At Bellatrix looking surprised at herself, Harry Potter afraid and staring at both her and Voldemort, and Voldemort staring at both Bellatrix and Harry Potter.

"Well," he said slowly, getting up. Harry Potter stood shaking, staring him in the eyes. "The Boy Who Lived."

They stood there. Man and boy. Until the man's weapon slashed the air. And they were both no more.


Bellatrix ran. She ran fast, her heart pounding, her skin scraping across every obstacle she met as she tried to get away. Get away.

Get away because this was a nightmare she was repeating. Get away because she had seen Voldemort fall before. Had seen Harry Potter reveal himself once more. Had fought this battle, had done everything.

She needed to do something different. Something new. So she ran.

The forest ran for miles, it was so easy to get lost but she didn't care. She needed this release.

Not enough. Scream.

She screamed as she ran, head pounding and her chest held no strength but still she screamed. Hours went by. Hours. Hours as Hogwarts Castle burned behind her, as her master fell. Hours until she finally collapsed, gasping for air. Hours. And then…

"Bella? Bella are you up yet?"