I don't know where I'm going,
but I sure know where I've been,
hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday,
and I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time,
here I go again.

White Snake

What is a girl supposed to do?

If I were asking myself this two weeks ago, the answer would've been obvious. Lois Lane always knows what she's doing and that's all there is to it. This isn't some complex scientific dilemma. I'm talking about the twisted web of human emotions I always get myself mixed up in, about the fact that I can't seem to make sound decisions to save my life.

And that's just it. This has never happened to me because I've always known exactly what I wanted. To be so indecisive and vulnerable isn't fun.

"What are you thinking about?"

I look down beside me to see the beautiful face of Oliver Queen, one of Metropolis' most eligible bachelors, starring up at me with sleepy eyes. I couldn't properly describe to you how gorgeous he was in the morning light, it was like waking up to a dream. I smiled.

"What do you think I'm thinking about?" I said, a stupid smile adorning my face as I put this picture to memory.

"Hm, let's see..." He mused. "You're thinking about how great last night was and what it is you'd like to have for breakfast this morning." He grinned as he lifted himself up and leaned back on one elbow, never taking his eyes off of me for one second.

"Breakfast actually sounds really good right now," I said, forgetting how hungry I was until he mentioned it. "But you're right," I finished, "last night was something else."

Before I had the chance to say anything more, he sat upright and positioned himself in front of me. He leaned in and kissed me softly, his lips warm and inviting. I moaned as I drank him in, returning the kiss a little too fervently. Then I pulled away and nodded disapprovingly to myself.

"What's wrong?" Ollie asked in innocent curiosity.

"You're gonna kill me, Ollie," I said sheepishly, looking down at the silken piece of bed fabric that I was playing with between my fingers. I continued to nod in disapproval, a million thoughts running through my head like motorcycles at a motocross tournament. What was I doing? Why did I feel this way? Ollie was right beside me, willing to do anything I asked of him. Why was this so difficult for me? I heard him chuckle beside me as he trailed a finger from my elbow all the way up to the crook of my neck. I could feel his eyes burning into my skin. His breathing was soft and quiet, like the distant humming of some far off wind.

"What's so funny?" I asked defensively as I heard him sigh in amusement. My eyes were still focused on the delicate fabric that I was subconsciously toying with.

"Look at me, Lois," he said, a little more evenly this time. My natural tendency to disobey an order being what it was, I didn't follow suit. I felt his fingers under my chin as he gently turned me around to face him, just as his other hand undid the fabric I was so preoccupied with a minute ago. "What are you so afraid of?" He asked, his eyes laden with that delicate sense of abandon that had always crushed me whenever I thought I might have hurt him. He was pleading with me, begging me to tell him the truth as to why I felt like I couldn't give all of myself to him. He was so fragile, so vulnerable, so spent.

"I feel like I'm gonna lose you," I said quietly, ashamed of myself. And mind you, there were very few days when I was ashamed of myself. "Who would've thought that some basement-level journalist like me would land a guy like you?" I said, the heat rising up in my cheeks as I admitted to my weaknesses. "And that I would like what we have with each other?" I laughed dryly to myself as I processed my words.

"Lois," Ollie began, his voice defeated, "I don't know what else I can possibly do to show you that you are everything to me." He drew closer, so close that I could feel his breath smother my face. He planted a tender kiss on my forehead and then threw his arms around me as he planted another kiss in my hair. I wrapped my arms around him, more desperately than I had thought, losing control of my emotions all at once. And at the same time, I couldn't help but think of how un-Lois-like this was. It was okay, though. We all have to put ourselves out in the open and lay out our weaknesses at some point. It's all about taking risks. Nevertheless, I held onto him with dear life, unwilling to let go anytime soon.

"Don't get me wrong," I said as I felt a few stray tears find their way down my cheeks, "I'm kind of a knockout and you're damn lucky to be with me." His laughter was booming as I listened to his heartbeat.

"I know I am," he said as he squeezed me tighter. "Now, what would you like for breakfast?"

"It's him, isn't it?" He asked, his voice as somber as always.

I didn't respond. We both knew the truth.

"Ollie is vulnerable," I said as I looked out into the horizon as the sun began its descent. "His faults are laid out bare, there's no way for him to hide who he is, whether it's good or bad." It didn't take a stranger to sense the expression that Clark was wearing right this moment. His eyebrows were probably creased together in thought as he fought back the urge to voice his sometimes useless opinion.

Just as I turned around, he stood in front of me, closer than usual. I looked up at him, not sure what to make of the personal space invasion.

"What makes his vulnerabilities any different from mine?" Clark asked as he took a step closer. He raised his eyebrows in genuine curiosity as he took no time to really process my words.

I looked at him, pleading, and then walked away from him and toward the stairs. There was nothing I could say that he didn't already know.

"So that's it?" He asked.

What could I say? I walked back to him, held his face in my hands and kissed him as softly as I knew how. We lingered there for a moment before I drew away as our eyes locked onto each other. Unlike so many other moments in the past, I couldn't see anything in Clark's eyes as I looked into them. It suddenly felt as if there were a million worlds between us, and we had no longer fit like the perfectly shaped puzzle I had always thought we were.

You never forget your first love. For Clark, it was Lana. She was still lingering somewhere within him. Besides, he was meant for much greater things. I didn't deserve him and I was sure of it. Don't get me wrong - I'm not settling for Ollie. I love him more than the world itself, but I'll never forget about Clark.

Notes:

This came out of a blob of thoughts that I had floating around my head after watching Season 9. Ollie is the gorgeous guy with so much vulnerability and Lois is the beautiful girl who will make him a better man. It's the perfect cliche that I couldn't resist. It's too bad that things ended the way it did and that she's destined for Clark. Maybe just this once she could choose Ollie. Also I thought White Snake was appropriate for Lois, a lover of epic hair bands.