Disclaimer: I'm an amateur. Don't get offended professionals. I'm not getting paid for this, I swear. (I think we fooled them, mysterious benefactor. Oh wait, is this thing still on?)

Oh and in case you didn't read the summary, this is told from the perspective of Mrs. Benson.

You, Sam Puckett. Your name brings a sneer to my face, regardless of where I am when I hear it. You are the bane of my existence. You are a feral animal; a wild beast that only moves according to instinct. And every day I see you prowling closer, and closer; threatening to take away the light of my life.

If you were a normal girl, this wouldn't be an issue. My Fredward deserves love as much as any other man on this planet. Even, in my admittedly biased opinion, more than those other men. I mean, come on, he's a great catch. He's handsome, he's smart, he's dedicated, and he's respectful among other things. But he needs a normal, healthy relationship with a woman who will show him love and tenderness. A woman who will support him as he continues to fulfill his dreams and every expectation I've ever had of him. He needs someone who will adore him simply and honestly.

This is why I was always pushing for Carly. She's such a lovely, normal girl. If they got together, I would never have to worry about Freddie again. She would take care of his needs, and support him in whatever he decides he wants to do with his life. Which I'm sure is going to be something important and spectacular. And she would love me like a second mother, and respect the strong bond I have with my son. And everything would be white clouds and sunshine.

But I'm not blind. I know she doesn't look at my son that way. I understand that their relationship will never progress beyond friendship. I was originally a woman before I was a mother, and I know that once a woman has decided that a man isn't relationship material, the best that they can hope to scrape together is a close friendship. Which is what those two have right now; but it will never be anything more. And I'm actually quite ecstatic about that. Maybe that's the reason why I like Carly so much: because as long as he loves her, his heart will still be mine to keep. I would be living in the best of all possible worlds if not for one minor detail.

You, Sam Puckett. I've seen the way you look at my son when you think no one is watching. You're a lifetime too early to pull one over on me. You may have recently become an expert at watching my son undetected, but I mastered that years ago. I've progressed to the point where I can tell who is also watching my son. And it's always you. You're like an unblinking cat stalking its prey, just waiting for the right moment to pounce. To go for the kill. To go for his heart.

And I know that's what you want. I mentioned before that I was originally a woman before I was a mother. I know what that look means, and I can see the hunger in those eyes. The consuming exultation when he so much as glances in your direction. The almost orgasmic bliss when you have his undivided attention, which you constantly pull with your pranks and your jabs. Like a kindergartener, you don't care what kind of attention it is; positive or negative. And you're completely inept at garnering the positive, so my poor Freddie has to suffer under your tyrannical wrath. All because you're not enough of a woman to have him look in your direction for the right reasons.

It's not like you're an ugly woman. Quite the contrary, with a little bit of effort you could be quite pretty; with a modicum more, probably even beautiful. But the elements you introduce into my son's life are all wrong. Violence and fire and passion. Elements that melt the boy I've shaped since birth into something unrecognizable to me. Into something harder and stronger and fierce. The other day he actually stood up to me, refusing to take the anti-flea medicine I had painstakingly procured from the pharmacy.

He hadn't yelled at me. That wouldn't be Freddie's style. He handed me different articles he had researched and explained to me the ineffectiveness of the medicine for human beings. I had no choice but to go to bed without gently massaging my son's scalp with my fingers. But I didn't feel quite so bad about it at the time, because the entire interaction had felt almost heroic. It wasn't until later on, when I realized that his stand had been manly that my blood began to boil. And you know whose fault it is, don't you?

You, Sam Puckett. You're turning my son into a man that I can no longer touch; that I can no longer baby. He's becoming an independent person who doesn't need to rely on me for everything. I knew this time would come, but it wasn't supposed to happen so fast. I had done everything I could to keep him in an innocent state for as long as possible. I cultivated his love for books, computers, and technology, and kept him away from those rough sports. I didn't allow him to watch violence or sex on television. I had coddled him as much as a mother could; taking care of everything for him. He didn't need to do anything for me but keep on living.

Everything was moving along fine until you came along. Sure, he was in love with Carly, but she was a normal girl. You're not the same type of girl as Carly. You're not even the same species. I know that if he showered you with even a sprinkling of affection you would devour him whole. Like a black hole, you would absorb every piece of him and never let him go because you're driven by instinct, and that instinct points you in his direction. And like an animal staking its claim on its mate you wouldn't let another woman anywhere near him again. Including me.

And my poor, poor Freddie would wilt under your pressure. No, that's not true. I can see the effects of your influence on him. He's becoming manlier with each passing day. He's quickly turning into the adult I hoped he would become. He's still handsome, smart, respectful, and dedicated, but he's now tempering those attributes with strength, confidence, and endurance. He didn't gain these new abilities from me. You know who gave them to him.

You, Sam Puckett. Because of you, he'll be prepared for the times when life doesn't go his way. And if things get unbearably bad, I know he'll have the presence of mind to walk away. And yet, no matter how badly you've treated him, he's never walked away from you, has he? I can assure you that he doesn't know why. He probably blames it on your shared proximity to Carly, but I know that he could very easily only hang out with Carly when you're not around. They are neighbors, after all. A side effect of watching Freddie as much as I do is that I know what he's feeling, maybe even before he realizes it himself. And I know who has been recently pulling his heart out of Carly's grasp. I know who has been recently pulling his heart out of my reach.

But I won't admit it, and I won't allow it! He was my son before he met you, and he'll be my son for the rest of his life!

I take priority!

But I won't for much longer. That's the unbalancing nature of love, after all. Someday in the near future, Freddie will realize his true feelings. And then that awkward dance of mutual love will begin. I will have to bite my nails on the sideline as he leaves my side for the last time.

And heads over to …

The woman who is transforming my loving boy into a young man;

The woman who he loves with an irrational passion;

The woman who I suspect will eventually grow up to be a suitable companion to him;

The woman who challenges him to be more than he was before.

But not now, please! He's too young. I still need him. I want to see him grow, and I want to be a part of it. I want to be the only woman holding his heart.

YOU CAN'T HAVE MY SON!

You, Sam Puckett!

At least … not yet.

Author's Note: Whoa. I wrote this in one sitting, with absolutely no prep-work. It looks like it just had to come out. It's a shame I couldn't fit it anywhere else. Looking back on it, it's got kinda an Oedipal feel, but that wasn't my intention. There was a cadence or rhythm to this one that felt like I was writing poetry. It got kinda free-formy there on me at the end.

Anyways, let me know if you like it! Peace.