Corresponding About Rubbish

(Or the Night the Owl's Wing Almost Fell Off)

James–

Guess where I am? Yeah. In prison. Again. Wanna come bail me out, mate?

Sirius

– – –

Sirius–

Merlin's Kneesocks, I told you I wouldn't bail you out anymore. Go ask Remus or Peter or someone nice or something. I don't want to leave my warm house and Lily and drive to a dark jail because you were being a prick and probably went and humped the barmaid in front of her dad when you were drunk like last time.

James

– – –

Hey, Bitch Cake,

I'm in prison. That usually means your best mate comes and bails you out. Have you never seen good movies about mates? What the fuck's in your arse? It's me who's in prison, not you.

And I don't know what was so wrong about that. She was totally asking me to do it. She was like, staring at me all suggestively.

And that's not why I'm in jail, by the way.

Sirius.

– – –

Hey, Arse Cake,

You're not my mate. So why would I go and save you? Stay in prison where you belong, you testicle mangler.

Dude, she was asking you for the time, not a fucking grinding session. I'm surprised you haven't been charged with anything. I would've totally killed you in court if a bloke did that with my daughter.

And if that's not the reason, why are you in jail?

James

– – –

Snivellus Fondler–

I'll tell you if you come pick me up.

Sirius

– – –

Llama Humper–

Go ask your many girlfriends to pick you up as I'm already married.

James

– – –

To One who Possesses a Hard-On from McGonagall–

Stop being a hormonal bitch, man, and pick me up! A bloke just tried to urinate on me! I want to go home and sleep! I'm feeling the effects of a hangover already, dammit.

Sirius

– – –

To One who Tickles Dumbledore's Beard–

You're ugly.

James

– – –

JAMES! I'M NOT KIDDING! COME BAIL ME OUT!

– – –

Hah, you're a funny bitch. Go rot in your prison with your urination buddies.

– – –

I hate you. I'm going to tell on you. Remus is going to give you an arse kicking.

– – –

You're such a child, Sirius. Merlin, grow up. "I'm going to tell on you"? You sound like an immature, spoiled child. Go mingle with people who urinate in prisons. I actually am trying to make a baby with Lily so go away.

– – –

I will be responsible your inability to make babies if you don't come bail me out RIGHT NOW.

– – –

If I never bail you out, then you can't come out and clip my balls. So you're utterly at a loss here. You're the ones behind the bars this time.

– – –

Do you know I have the Invisibility Cloak in my possession at this time? I suppose if I'm to rot in this jail, you'll never get it back. I also have the two-way mirrors. Both of them. Didn't you say you were passing on your Cloak to your firstborn? Well... I guess you won't be.

Hahaha.

– – –

You're a dirty bastard.

– – –

Does that mean you're coming?

– – –

Unfortunately. Yes.

– – –

Hah. I love you. Bitch.

This is why you shouldn't drink & drive, kids.