Pt 4

The first time they fuck again, it's incredibly sad. Like touching a memory. Naomi tries so hard, kisses her so sweetly and Emily tries too, she really does but it's just not enough somehow.

Naomi has to whisper, "Come on," in Emily's ear after she's been thrusting for quite a while.

Emily closes her eyes shut, hard and tries to focus on things that used to turn her on immensely. The way Naomi bites her lip or the way her hair will flutter in front of her face in the wind, her blue fingernails, the muscles in her stomach…but nothing is working.

"Emily," Naomi sighs in her ear.

"No," Emily gasps out, "Don't stop…just…" She angles her hips and wraps a leg around Naomi's pale calf, "harder."

Naomi bites down on her shoulder and it'll be purple in the morning. A bite the size of a shot glass ring. And she curls her fingers and pounds into Emily, making the bed smack into the wall with each thrust. Emily tugs on Naomi's hair, winds it in between her fingers and then twists and Naomi hisses in pain but doesn't stop. She takes the punishment.

Emily comes and she sees tears in Naomi's eyes.

Afterwards they lay side by side, not really touching while Emily slows her breathing and Naomi tries to wipe her cheeks subtly, so Emily doesn't see. She does see but she ignores it.

Moments later with just the clock ticking beside the bed, Naomi reaches for Emily's hand and traces a circle in her palm, "We'll get it back," she says quietly to the ceiling.

Emily nods and then realizes Naomi's not really looking at her anyways so she says it out loud, "Yeah," and her voice is raw and choked sounding so she clears her throat and that's when Naomi turns to look at her.

"I'm not ready to let go yet, Ems." Naomi rolls over swiftly and hugs Emily to her and Emily feels her hands trembling a bit as they clasp at the muscles on her back.

"Ok," Emily says and wraps her arms loosely around Naomi, not hugging back but…there.

--

Effy realizes that they're back. Hears them whispering at the edges of her mind, waiting for their chance. She rolls over and clasps Freddie's tan skin fiercely. He'll save her, he has to. He murmurs in his sleep and rolls towards her and Effy trembles into his warm chest. He seems so warm, present…secure and he loves her, he said so.

So why doesn't he stop them?

--

Emily hears loud music blaring downstairs and Naomi clattering around in the kitchen which is slightly worrying in itself since Naomi rarely cooks. Emily rolls out of bed and for the first time in ages she's naked and it actually takes her a second to remember why and why she feels a bit sore.

"Shit," she murmurs as she stretches, arms over her head until she hears a sharp crack in her back. Fumbling around for her T-shirt, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and there are dark shadows under her eyes and bruises along her neck and shoulders. What's worse is she looks…hollow.

"Ems! Breakfast," Naomi calls from downstairs.

Emily runs a shaky hand through her hair and heads downstairs. Naomi is pulling some sort of ridiculous housewife act, complete with kissing Emily's forehead when she stumbles into the kitchen.

The act is ruined a bit by the fact that Naomi sparks up a spliff as soon as they sit down at the table together and Emily's toast is well burnt.

Emily glances across the table and Naomi is reading through a magazine with the spliff dangling out of her mouth. She seems to catch Emily staring and looks up with a hesitant smile on her face and for the first time, Emily forgets to not smile back. Instead she feels her lips twitch up unbidden and Naomi's smile widens until its so beautiful and fragile that Emily has to look away.

Naomi stretches her long legs out and one of her feet grazes Emily's calf and she doesn't pull away.

Emily crunches on burnt toast and thinks of new beginnings and hope-- how Naomi's leg feels against hers and just how present it is.

--

Effy pushes through the crowd and she sees Freddie, slumped against the wall talking to J.J.

"Freddie," she screams but it gets lost in the thudding bass.

There are noises and lights and everything is getting all confused. Effy grips the side of her head, pushing in on her brain, trying to make it just stop.

"Alright there princess," his voice sighs in her ear as he slides one muscular arm around her waist and Effy almost screams, almost freaks the fuck out because he's part of the voices and he's part of the reason she can't…just can't anymore.

She breaks away from him quickly and is aware that she's hurting them, hurting all of them. Freddie, J.J., Cook…even Emily at one point. And they're there at the back of her mind, reminding her, always reminding her. Telling her it's no good. To give up. They gnaw at her and she feels empty—and oddly full at the same time—full of pain, empty of truth, reliability.

Freddie's hand tangles with hers and he brushes his thumb across her knuckle and the tips of his fingers are rough, calloused but she feels it.

"Cook? What the fuck are you doing here?"

Effy sinks into Freddie, grips his dirty T-shirt in her hand and Cook eyes are suspiciously.

"Fucks up with her," he asks and his eyes bore into Effy and she can hardly breathe, can't he see them? Sawing inside her, can't he see that?

"We're fine," Freddie says and kisses the top of her head.

Effy is dying.

"Just fine."

--

Katie sees Emily in the bathroom. They bump into each other at the mirrors, ironically enough and Emily can't help but think that they've never been further apart.

"Still with her then," Katie asks and Emily notices that she's not ok but she also doesn't sound like she's accusing Naomi of single-handedly turning her gay.

Emily reaches over and brushes a bit of lint off of Katie's purple top.

"Cheers," Katie says absentmindedly. They've been taking care of each other for so long it's a habit.

"Yeah she apologized and I'm…making a go of it," Emily says hesitatingly.

Katie rolls her eyes and says sarcastically, "Well that sounds like you're in total fucking love."

Emily shakes her head sharply, "She fucked it up like…massively, we're trying to rebuild is all. It's going to take time."

"People always let you down," Katie says sadly and without thinking Emily steps forward and wraps her arms around Katie and she's lost weight and feels bony and sharp, all angles. Katie's arms link around Emily's back and she presses her face into Emily's shoulder and releases one quick sob. Just one.

Then she pulls away and gestures to her face, "Am I good?"

Emily checks Katie's makeup and nods.

"Right," Katie looks hesitant, "well…I'm fine. You're fine."

"Yeah," Emily agrees as they walk about together.

"We're fine."