Summary: After a spoon of mashed potatoes gone awry, Sirius causes quite the commotion in the Great Hall during one eventful lunch where Lily and James team up to fight.

Disclaimer: I got nothing. Hmph.

Perfectly Poised
a Siriusly Klutzy story

"James." James glanced up from the parchment he was scribbling on to find Sirius staring at him with the most inquisitive of looks. "If you were this perfectly elegant pile of mashed potatoes, whose lovely features would you like to splatter upon?"

Sirius cast a look up and down the Gryffindor table, surveying each unknowing person carefully. Those who looked like they were having the worst of days started off as high on the list until a happier looking first year bumped them down to the bottom, where the luckier resided. Chipper first years would be easier to handle than stress-ridden seventh years cramming for yet-to-be-dated exams that were undoubtedly coming their way.

Mark Smithingworth, for example, would throttle Sirius in a heartbeat if even a pea landed on his text book. An elegant pile of mashed potatoes to the side of the head would result in inevitable death. James didn't really want to make the funeral arrangements, and guided his attention elsewhere. He pointed to a bored looking third year that was falling asleep over his cereal.

"That little bloke, there," James answered. He pointed down the table, the boy noticing nothing. "The one with his tie dangling about the cereal."

"Looks like he could use a wakeup call, don't you think?" Sirius asked casually, turning his head towards James but not taking his eyes off of the poor, unsuspecting boy. He aimed the spoon in the boy's direction, tongue poking out between his teeth in furious concentration. One eye squinted as he lined up with his target.

The timing couldn't have been more precise. Sirius lined up his spoon. As he was pulling it back gently (He'd practiced enough throughout the years to know the perfect amount of force needed for the best arch possible in order to hit the target. It was an acquired skill.), Glenda Farst- who's getting over a nasty cold- had one loud, sudden sneeze escape her previously closed mouth. Sirius, not expecting this burst of noise, spun around to see what had caused it. However, the force on the spoon grew as he pulled back and unexpectedly let go.

Once he realized that it was just poor Glenda's sneeze, he looked back down to finish the task of flicking the elegantly piled mashed potatoes only to find that the pile had disappeared and the boy remained dazed and potato-free. He barely had time to register what had happened to the mashed potatoes when a loud screech was heard, merely feet away from where the boy was sitting. Sirius looked to see who it was and then quickly became concentrated on his plate of food.

"Padfoot, what did you do…" James mumbled. He stared at the forming situation, his mouth slightly open.

"Shut up and look down, Prongs," Sirius demanded.

"She's going to throttle you."

"Down, Prongs. Avert your eyes."

"The third year was no big deal. But Lily."

"I will gouge your eyes out with this spoon if you don't look away."

"How did that even happen?"

"Do you want me to die, Prongs?! Avoid eye contact!"

"She's coming this way."

"Quit staring! Oh, sweet Merlin…"

"She looks ravishing, doesn't she?"

"I'm going to die and I'm only sixteen."

"Really, though. When she's angry like that… it's marvelous. The way she gets all flushed."

"It won't be my mum's fault, either. I always thought that if I had to die a premature death, it would be at the hands of my mother."

"She's got her wand out, Padfoot. Why are you just sitting there?"

"Sirius Black," she growled once she got into speaking distance without having to yell, although she did that quite well. The perfectly elegant pile of mashed potatoes previously poised on Sirius's spoon was splattered gracefully across the side of her head, contrasting beautifully with the red of her hair.

Alice, Lily's other half in the world where friends were inseparable, was behind her, snickering quietly while trying to glare at Sirius at the same time. Sirius, the suicidal buffoon he is, winked in her direction. Lily raised her eyebrows.

"Do you think this is funny, Black?" She wiped a chunk of the potatoes out of her hair and flicked it on the ground. It landed with a pathetic, angry splat! "Funny that I have to go to class smelling like your lunch?"

Sirius was never good in threatening situations such as these. In second year, Lily cursed his toes off for an entire day before giving him the counter spell. He couldn't walk to the hospital wing without falling over, so he sat in the Common Room for most of the day, waiting for her to return.

Although at this moment in time Sirius was absolutely terrified of the flushing and furious Lily Evans, he certainly didn't show it. It was part of his charm. He couldn't let her see that he was having a panic attack, he had to keep his cool, let his face relax, be annoyingly casual about the entire situation, even though his potential killer had mashed potatoes dripping from her hair.

"I've always found the subject of potatoes rather amusing, Evans, dear," Sirius shot back casually. He flicked the hair out of his mischievously sparkling eyes. "They look quite stylish in your hair like that. You should do that more often."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "Black."

"It wasn't my lunch. I didn't have the mashed potatoes. Inspect my plate if you must." He waved a hand towards his potato-less plate and grinned smugly. The offending spoon was in perfect view, however, slaughtering his plan once she caught sight of it.

"I'm not an imbecile, Sirius," Lily informed him. She picked up the spoon and turned it between her fingers. "This has to have your fingerprints all over it."

"And yours too, now, love," he threw back with a chuckle. "This entire thing could have been a setup. For all the professors know, I was sitting here, minding my own business when you appeared out of nowhere like a madwoman, stole my spoon, and splattered yourself with mashed potatoes in hopes of getting me in trouble."

"Yeah, that's logical," James snorted. Apparently this wasn't the best thing to say. James paled when Lily turned to him, and tried to cover his fear of her with an innocent looking grin. It didn't work.

"And you, Potter! Why didn't you stop him? You'd think you'd have some sense of responsibility after living here on your own for almost six years."

"If Lily murders Sirius," Alice threw in happily, "you're going to feel really badly, too."

Alice made a very good point. As mentioned before, James wasn't in the funeral-planning mood, especially for his best mate. Remus would be too busy being the smart one of the group, studying for the NEWTS, which weren't even until next year. It's not like he could trust Peter with the arrangements, either. He didn't even know where Peter was at the moment. Probably sleeping through his morning classes. That would be very Peter of him. No, there was no way Peter would be able to plan a proper funeral up to Sirius's standards. It would all be on James.

He sighed.

James decided to have a go at trying to calm Lily down. The worst that could come out of it would be decapitation, and it might not even be his decapitation, either. The odds were in his favor for that one. Sirius's head would look much lovelier mounted on the wall compared to his.

"Lily," he said as calmly as he could with a raging redhead going after him. "It's just a little… glop of mashed potatoes. Nothing to worry about, really." He glanced carefully at Sirius. "And he's right," he added, jabbing his thumb in the direction of the smirking Sirius. "They really are quite stylish."

Lily's eyes widened. A small bit of mashed potatoes rolled down her hair, bounced off her shoulder, and landed just to the left of James's shoe. She looked at it and then wiped as much of the residing potatoes off as she could in one swipe. A decent amount stuck to her fingers. She looked at it casually- a bit too casually if James were to give his opinion. Then, raising her arm in a motion that looked as if she were about to slap him, Lily flicked her wrist with the speed only a true Charms master could muster.

The aim wasn't too great, which caused half of them to hit James's glasses and the other half to ricochet off and land on the seventh year that was sitting next to James. He spun around looking for the original flicker and saw Lily standing there with the spoon in hand.

He raised his eyebrows in an aren't-you-a-prefect? kind of way. After he realized that this didn't, in fact, matter, he stuck his entire hand in the bowl of mashed potatoes slightly to his right and launched it into her face. Extravagant, yes, but the point was clearly made.

Before impact, however, James jumped from his seat, taking the entirety in its fullest, smack in the face. Sirius, in defense of his best friend, leapt out of his chair and dumped a bowl of gravy over the head of the poor seventh year.

Dripping, the seventh year retaliated with opening a pepper shaker and dumping its contents over the three of them. Lily grabbed a pie that had just appeared on the table for dessert- blueberry, just cool enough to eat- and smashed it into his chest.

The seventh year jumped back and stumbled over the bench where most students were scooting away. Some had got caught in the residue that splashed off of the others, the gravy especially, and were now frantically trying to wipe it off of their clothes before their next class. Generally, lunch wasn't that messy, none of them were prepared for this little exchange.

Sirius and Alice stared in shock at Lily after she slammed the seventh year with the pie. James, however, continued going as the seventh year recomposed himself and grabbed rolls from the table, pelting them at the couple.

"Lily! You grab the vegetables and I'll grab some toast!" James yelled as he dove through a couple students in a heroic leap to grab the newly buttered toast.

"What are you going to do with toast, Potter?!" Lily questioned as she snatched the vegetable bowls from the table, one in each hand. One went directly on the seventh years head as she got beamed in the forehead with a roll. "This is a WAR, not a tea party!"

The other bowl she charmed so that the vegetables were flying one by one out of the bowl and hitting him, ricocheting off in other directions but eventually going back into the bowl.

Lily's question was answered when James held the toast sideways and flung it Frisbee-style at the seventh year, who was now trying to deter the paths of the rampaging peas.

Most other commotion in the Great Hall had stopped at that point and the students watched as Lily and James bombarded the seventh year with various food items. He had stopped fighting back when one of the peas lodged itself up his nose and couldn't come out to go back into the bowl. James realized this right after a piece of his flying toast caught the boy in the ear and fell triumphantly to the floor.

"Lily, I think we can st-" James began but was cut off by a very angry sounding McGonagall.

"POTTER! EVANS!"

They cringed and turned towards the source that was marching towards them, Professor Flitwick trailing behind, wand out, prepared to fix everything back up again.

She quickly scanned the scene and came to the conclusion that Lily and James had teamed up on the poor seventh year who was now trying to wipe away all residue and failing miserably. Anyone else who looked to be involved was just an innocent bystander.

"Professor, it's not what it looks like," James said, quick to jump in and save the situation.

"Yeah," Sirius added. "I st-"

"It was all an accident," Alice threw in, saving the lot of them. "One mashed potato landing gone awry."

"Awry?" McGonagall questioned. "Awry. Awry onto Mr. Thomas here instead of in someone's mouth?"

Alice blinked. "Yes."

McGonagall shook her head. Smirking ever so slightly- honestly, it wasn't everyday these types of situations occurred- she said, "Potter, Evans, detention tonight and tomorrow at 6:30 in my office. Mr. Black and Mr. Thomas, you will go to Mr. Filch tonight and tomorrow at the same time. I'm not blind while I'm at the table, you know."

McGonagall walked away before anyone could reply, letting the message- along with the gravy, mashed potatoes, spices, and other random foods- sink in. Lily stood there in shock, looking as if she was still trying to comprehend the situation. James smirked. Sirius wiped some mashed potatoes from James's chest and licked it off of his finger.

"Am I even more delicious than usual, Padfoot?" James asked.

Sirius laughed and debated this. "You know… I didn't think it was even possible, but you are."

Alice laughed, breaking the bromance moment. "Lily, you should probably wash up before class. You've got a little over an hour."

Lily blinked, coming out of the short daze she was in. "I guess so…" She looked down at her disgusting clothes. "Ugh. Potter. I can't believe you did that."

"Technically it was me, Evans," Sirius interfered. "Don't give Prongs here all the credit. I started it."

"So quick to admit it," Alice pointed out. "We'll see you lads later. I think Lily has to recover from shock."

"Sure looks like it," James said. He noticed she'd gotten a little more pale after the situation. Spontaneity must not be her strong point. She'll soon learn. "Slaters, Lily." He nodded at her.

"See you tonight," she mumbled, attempting to brush off some of the food. "Think they'll owl my pa-" she started to ask, but was cut off.

Sirius smirked. "First date in detention," he said, clasping his hands together in a romantic fashion. "Exactly like you must have imagined it, Evans."

Lily arched an eyebrow. "Not exactly."

James winked, prepared for this setup. His best mate sure knew him well. "So you have imagined it!" he said before darting off in the opposite direction, leaving Lily standing there with a laughing Alice, covered in food, smiling slightly.

A/n: Uhm. Hi. Hello, world. Yeah, I'm still alive. I just thought you should know. Please accept my sincerest apologies and… *hides* I hope you enjoy this! College makes me slack even more than normal, which, actually, you think WOULDN'T happen. I'm very, very, very, very sorry. Also, I'm sorry if this was just complete garbage. Haha, like I said, I've been slacking.
Luff,
Siriusly Klutzy