Forced Hand
***
Now
It would have been impossible not to notice when Eriol first walked into the classroom. After all, he towered over the third graders, and his odd, Chinese-style clothing instantly drew the eye. Even beyond the incongruity of his appearance, his appearance was striking what with his odd Eurasian features and his mature bearing. I found him very handsome.
I opened my mouth to ask who he was, but the words did not come, and to my surprise he sat in front of me, with his adult body somehow fitting into the tiny desk with no discomfort at all. I blinked, and suddenly, it was no longer a thirty-something man with his legs squeezed under a too-small desk...but rather a sweet looking boy, with his legs dangling just above the floor.
He looked up and caught me staring at him. His smile grew wider, and I caught a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. Then I realized that my mouth was hanging open, and I quickly closed it.
I don't know how I got through that first day of class. I kept feeling his eyes upon me, and once, I felt his tangible aura of power, though it was quickly hidden. I was not surprised, when the interminable lesson was finally over, to see that he had stayed after class. He approached my desk and I looked across at him.
"I need your help," he said simply, smiling. His voice was disturbingly unchildlike. I glanced around the classroom, making sure that everyone had left, and then looked back at him.
He was an adult again.
And this time, behind the calm façade I could feel an intense magical aura, the edge of which I'd caught during the lesson. He must have amazing control, I thought, to be able to shield himself so effectively. I couldn't help but be reminded of Touya, though Touya's powers had been latent. Even using his magic only passively, however, had given Touya an aura of quiet strength that had drawn me to him. I blinked. The memory of the young man I'd left after my short time as a student-teacher in Japan caught me off balance.
The strange boy/man was still looking at me intently through perpetually half-closed-seeming eyes.
"Hiiragizawa-san?" The honorific came unbidden to my lips... a bad habit I was trying to fix.
"Yes," he responded in Japanese and continued, "but I don't think we need to continue with fiction. You can see I'm no ordinary boy."
I nodded with realisation. "You're not a boy at all."
He seemed pleased with this, though it was hard to tell. He was always smiling.
"Why do you want my help?"
"Because someone very important to you is very important to me."
"There is no one very important to me at the moment." It sounded harsh to my ears.
"Ah, Kaho-san, but you've left one behind."
He'd caught me off guard again. The memory of Touya was still a barely covered wound. I was the one who had left, after all. I could only remember his stricken face, his tears. Another woman Touya loved had disappeared from his life. First his mother, and then me.
"What do you want with Touya?" Suspicious.
"It is not so much Touya as the Kinomoto family as a whole. Especially the younger sister."
Pink recollections, a little girl with a glowing smile. "Sakura?" He nodded.
"Let's find a place to sit, shall we? I have a long story to tell."
***
Then
I think I've read this same magazine fifty times now. I don't know why they don't have more kids' stuff. It's a pretty small hospital and a really small waiting room, so I guess they can't afford anything better. Dad keeps pacing up and down the little room. It's a good thing there isn't anyone else here. I look at my watch. We've been here twelve hours already! Now I'm getting scared because Dad is never worried. He's always happy and smiling -- especially when mom's around. I think I'm going to have to marry a girl like my mom because she makes Dad so happy.
"Don't worry, Dad, " I say. "Didn't you say everything will be okay?" He stops and looks at me and he smiles again, just like he always does. "Of course, Touya. Everything will be fine." He sits next to me. "We wouldn't want Mommy to know we were worrying." Dad always says stuff like that.
Well, I'm not worrying. I'm not exactly sure how this whole thing works, but I guess in the end we won't have a play room because someone will be living in it. I'm a little upset about that. I wasn't even asked if I wanted a brother.
I get up to get a drink of water. When I come back, Dad is up again, pacing back and forth, and his suit is getting rumpled. I'm about to say something to him and then someone hits me. Oh God it hurts so much! My stomach is on fire, and below too--it's like they're ripping me apart and I can't even see them. I think Dad is trying to help me but I'm on the floor and I can't see because I'm crying. I look at myself but I look fine and I realize it's not happening to me. It's someone else who's being hurt. It's mom! They're hurting mom! I try to get up. Dad is saying something but I can't hear. I'm screaming, "Mom! I gotta see mom!" I get on my feet and run out the door. I don't know where she is but I can feel it and I run to where the pain is. There's people in my way. I push them and they fall over. I have to save mom.
The stupid elevator takes forever so I'm running up the stairs. Two at a time, I can feel my heart trying to run away. I get to the second floor door and open it. The hall is empty. I know she's up here nearby. I can feel it. I run down the hall, find the door, and kick it open. "Stop hurting my mom!" I yell. Everyone is in white and they look at me except for the one who's hurting her. He's at the end of the bed and he's got something in his hands. I try to stop him but some people hold me back. I start to fight but then mom tells me, "Touya, it's all right. They are almost done."
Now that I've stopped fighting, they're dragging me away. "It's all right. Let him stay, please," mom says to the them. The nurse gives me a mean look and tells me to stay way back. I do it, but I'm scared because they are hurting her so much. Then the pain starts to go away. The doctor is smiling and doing something and I hear a baby crying! I realize it had to be him. I look at the baby, and I'm so mad that he could do this.
But instead of pain, I feel joy. I don't understand it until I see mom looking at her baby and I realize what's making her so happy.
They wipe him up as clean as you can get a baby and let mom see him. She's smiling wider than I've ever seen. I want to hate my new brother, but I just can't. I can feel how much mom loves him. No... her. It's a girl! "Hello, Sakura-chan," mom says. "Would you like to say hello to your brother?" The nurses let me come closer and she's put in my arms. I see her, all wet and wrinkly. I know that babies aren't supposed to be able to see but the baby opens her eyes at me and smiles. I'm looking at her for a long time. She doesn't look anything like mom or dad. Then I blush because I'm thinking she looks more like a monster than anything. But she's so small. I want to protect her because she's so little. I give her back to mom who's smiling too. She loves Sakura, and she doesn't hurt at all any more.
I think I'm going to love Sakura too.
***
1 Then
I always enjoy the company of The Dark. We have been together since we were created and we are as inseperable as our namesakes, Light and Dark. Together we are balance, not just for the Cards but for each other, each completing the other, making us whole. Today my love is smiling that special smile she reserves for just me, her dark features lighted up with warmth. I'm a happy girl anyway, but this makes me positively bubbly (all due respect to the The Bubbles). I can understand her happiness, however. Today, after many years of waiting for the right person to exist, we may have finally found him.
Everyone is excited. The Elemental siblings have been chattering away about it for a long time now, The Flower is dancing about showering petals on everyone, while The Erase is taking great glee in vanishing them all as quickly as they are made. The Song and The Voice have been performing a lovely duet since they heard the news. It's very sweet, as one has adopted the voice of the mother and the other that of the newborn daughter. We've all been celebrating in this tiny infinite space inside this book which seals us yet allows us to be anywhere. It was inevitable that there would be a dissenting voice some time -- we are rarely in complete accord.
"Is it really up to us to choose who the next Master will be? That is the Guardian's job." The speaker is the lovely girl, The Arrow, who as usual, gets right to the point.
"Can't you feel this one's strength?" The Power says challengingly, a smirk on her little face.
The Cloud speaks up, "Yes, we have been waiting so long!" The Time dips his head in agreement. He knows perhaps more than any others the importance of finding a new Master before too long.
"You just want to fly around and rain on someone," retorts The Fight. "You should think about the big picture."
The Cloud blushes. The Fight does have a tendency to be very confrontational. The Dark touches my hand and I nod. It is time to take control of the situation. I illuminate the space brightly and the bickering stops.
"Fellow cards," I say with a smile, "We have been through this before. You are right, Arrow. It is not our duty to choose the next Master. But Keroberos has been asleep now some forty-seven years. As long as he seals our book, we are powerless until a Master wakes him up. And someone has to choose that Master."
"I could wake him up, given the chance," The Sweet says, smiling demurely.
A collective wave of pained assent sweeps through the assembly. Everyone knows Keroberos' weakness.
I continue, "I know you could, but we don't have that option. However, all of you have felt and seen Kinomoto Touya's powers. They are tremendous. He certainly has the strength and magical energy to sustain us when he reaches maturity."
"It takes more than that to be a Master of the Cards." The thundering voice and flyaway hair can only be those of The Storm.
"Of course," I nod. "And I think we've all felt his tremendous love for Nadesico and Sakura. His heart is warm. I think he would accept us."
"He's very cute, too!" The Mirror adds. Most of us laugh at that. The Fly chirps loudly.
The serene voice of The Woody floats from the group as the laughter diminishes, "We have plenty of time before Kinomoto reaches maturity. He cannot handle the cards until that time. This is as good a place as any to take root and wait."
The Dark takes my hands and gazes at me. We are, as we ever have been, in agreement. She addresses the Clow Cards, "Yes, The Woody is right. Let us wait here until Touya is of age."
We, Light and Dark, have made our wishes known, which pretty much ends the discussion. I grin at The Dark eagerly. "This is going to be such a fun decade!" I say.
***
Now
I seated myself comfortably with a cup of steaming tea on my knee. "So how much of a life story could you have?" I said with a smile.
Eriol relaxed in a high backed chair which was utterly too large for him and looked at me. He returned my smile and spoke to me in that high, lilting tone of his. "It's amazing how much I've packed into such a small time." He winked. He'd switched to English somewhere along the way and seemed comfortable with it. "My first memories of this life are from when I was two years old. I was lying in my crib, looking at little dangly things above me. Someone who I presumed was my mother came by and offered me a bottle. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not hungry.' -- in Chinese. Well, you can imagine the poor woman went completely daft and I had to clear her memory of the incident."
My surprise must have been evident. "Oh, don't worry," he said. "I only do it when I have to. It's rather distasteful, really. So then I realized that I wasn't just a toddler with wet pants, but Clow Reed, a centuries old sorcerer who'd been relatively certain he'd died. You can imagine the shock."
I nodded, "And for your parents too!"
The dim light from the small lamps in his study glinted off his glasses. "Actually, I soon learned I was in an orphanage. I never learned who my parents were. I very shortly thereafter left the place, erasing any trace that I'd been there, and came home."
"Wait a minute; I'm confused. Who exactly is.. or was... Clow Reed?"
For a moment I saw the same handsome young man I'd seen earlier at school. His frame fit the large chair perfectly. In a low voice he said, "Clow Reed lived centuries ago. He was the most powerful sorcecer the world had ever seen, and the first to fuse both Western and Eastern Magics. He was essentially immortal, and late in his life, after tiring of philanthropy, he retired to reclusion with two beings of his creation and a deck of magical cards. And one day even that was too much existence to bear, so he passed from the world. And I was once him."
"Was this Clow Reed's home?"
He nodded, "Apparently he.. I arranged for his place to remain in my possession in perpetuity. I think I'd always expected to return somehow. Quite honestly, I don't think I was ready to die. But I was very tired of who I was." He was a boy again, with an uncharacteristic look of wistful sadness. "But the fact that I was here had to have been significant, and I quickly found out why. You see, in addition to ensuring Clow always had a home, he also insured the existence of his magical creations. This deck of cards he made contained some of the most powerful magics ever crafted, but they required a Master to continue. Clow knew no one of his time was up to the task and he was unwilling to wait until one powerful enough was born. So he bound his two magical companions to them as guardians and set them adrift in time until such time as a new Master would be ready for them."
"And a new Master has been found?"
Eriol smiled at that, but it was a rueful smile. "So I'd thought eight years ago. Unfortunately, a small wrinkle in my plan came about..."
***
Then
Mom is dead.
It's been months, but I still always come back to that. "Everything will be fine," Dad says, smiling that fake smile. Even Sakura doesn't cry anymore, though it took her weeks. I don't think she ever realized what was going on even though Dad tried to explain it to her. I don't think she'll even remember her when she grows up. But I still miss her. I want her back.
I huddle in the corner. I know it doesn't do any good to be so depressed. I bring Dad down even though he's still teaching and getting on with life. I bring Sakura down because she doesn't understand why her oniichan is upset. I know I should get over it. I can't though. I felt mom get sicker, week by week. She promised me she wouldn't leave me, but I saw her die. I felt the bond that held us together disappear just like that. I held her hand and cried and told her not to go, but I couldn't do anything to stop her.
The window is open, and now the wind blowing through the curtains is making it chilly. I wasn't going to get up, but it's really cold, and I can't sit here anymore. I look up at the window and mom is there in front of it, wearing her favorite green dress, the wall and window barely visible behind her.
"Mom," I whisper. I want to be happy but I know the truth almost the moment I see her. She's a ghost. She's not real. She's dead.
The ghost of my mom looks worried, "I wish you wouldn't be so sad, Touya," she says softly, like a rustle of leaves.
That makes me angry. "How am I supposed to feel? You left! I wasn't ready for you to go. I need you!"
She looks sad. "Touya, you know I would have stayed if I could have. I love you so much. I love your father and Sakura. I was so happy."
"I was happy too! What am I supposed to do without you? I'm all alone." I blink tears away so I can see her.
Mom is crying too. She brushes the tears from her cheeks. "You're not alone Touya. Your father loves you too."
"It's not the same. It's never been the same with us."
"But you must be strong. I'll always be with you. I love you, Touya." She's coming towards me now, holding me close like when I was little. I feel an odd warmth as wings close around me.
"You are not alone. Sakura is just a little girl. You need to be her oniichan. She loves you so much and your heart must remain warm for her," she says.
"But you're gone," I force the words out.
She tilts up my chin, making me look her in the eye, and shakes her head, "You can see me, Touya. Even after I've gone you can see me. You are special. Because of that, whenever I can be here, you will see me. And I know you will endure because you are strong."
I look at her, and she's smiling even though she is crying. I can see my sister's face in hers. I start to say something, to tell her I will try, but she disappears, leaving me cold and alone again, the curtains streaming in the chilly wind.
I sit down and fold my arms around myself feeling very dark and lonely.
***
2 Then
We have all been of low spirits as of late. My love, The Dark's eyes are shadowed and sad. I try to smile and keep all our spirits high, but it gets more and more difficult. Touya's sadness and grief are palpable even in here, and we are all affected. There has been much agitated discussion recently. Even the Silent has waved her arms in an animated fashion. Today it almost came to a head. The Elemental Siblings came to Dark and I and shouted angrily in unison, "It is time to move on! It has been three years and still Touya shows no sign of being able to accept us!"
"Touya's heart is the same heart we were drawn to before," I replied.
"But it isn't!" crackled the Storm, her brother Thunder rumbling in agreement. "It has become turmoiled and unclear. He hates everybody!"
"You are wrong! Touya still loves Sakura more than anything," The Glow punctuated her words with great incandescence. "We all can feel his emotions. He's just upset. He's been through a lot. But he'll get over it eventually!"
"I am inclined to agree," murmured Time, his wizened face expressionless.
"I think Windy is just trying to take advantage of her lead spot in the line-up," cracked Fight.
"Well do you want to be stuck here forever?" boomed Big, towering over them all. The Little nodded agreement so fervently his double-pointed hat nearly fell off.
All was about to break into chaos when The Dark's sweet voice rang out, "My Cards, we must persevere. We have waited centuries, we can remain patient for a little while longer. Even the deepest darkness is accompanied by the brightest light." she turned to smile at me. "Can we forget his great strength and magical prowess? The love he shows for his sister? Touya is still several years from the ideal age. We can wait that long at least. Surely his heart will have healed by then."
It was silent after her speech. I clasped my love's hands warmly.
It does not take much to unify the cards in sentiment, especially when my love and I have spoken. The Elementals grudgingly stepped back and the other cards bowed in aquiescence. The Illusion showed her agreement by forming an image of young Touya before reverting to her mosaiced form while the rest of the Cards went back to their normal state.
I gave The Dark a brave smile, "We're doing the right thing, I'm sure."
"As long as we're together, I can wait." Her smile warmed me from hair to heart.
***
3
4 Now
Suddenly, I realized that my mouth had been open in amazement for some time. Eriol had named no names in his story, and he was an hour into it before I realized my connection with his situation.
"You're talking about Touya, aren't you," I asked him, a little more loudly than I'd intended.
Very gravely, especially for Eriol, he nodded. I opened my mouth to speak but could think of nothing to say. This was definitely not what I had wanted to talk about. But I couldn't help remembering...
"I noticed him immediately..."
"You notice a lot of things. A person's true form, for instance," he interrupted.
"Well..." I stammered.
"It's all right. I'm glad of it. I knew it would make it easier to understand my situation. But please, go on."
His eyes were twinkling. I think it was then I first noticed the smugness in Eriol's smile. It is one of his few annothing traits. I hope I never become like that.
***
5 Then
I smile at a job well done. The old shrine looks as good as ever. It is a pity there are no other daughters to do it, but I don't mind. I turn to look fondly at the old tree... and I see him. I know exactly what he is the moment I see him. He looks like a fourteen year old boy in a junior high school uniform, but I see through that to his true self. He is like me.
"Good evening. So late to say your prayers," I say casually, interrupting his silent communication with the tree.
He turns to face me. "I just moved here, so I'm saying hello."
"You can see the spirit in the tree?"'
He glances back at tree. "You can see things other people can see," I say. I am very excited. I know he sees how I see. But perhaps I have made a mistake. His face is clouding over with anger or bitterness.
"I'm used to it," he says roughly.
I smile and try to change the subject, "What is your name?"
"Kinomoto Touya," he replies.
The name is familiar. It is on the list of students in the class I will be teaching tomorrow. I look at this remarkable person, his dark hair framing a intense, handsome face. I get the strongest of feelings from him, as though our destinies will be linked tightly from now on.
I know we will become the best of friends.
"I am Mizuki Kaho. I will see you again tomorrow."
***
6 Then
The carnival has been great, but I've been quiet the whole time. Something is up, but I'm not sure what. Something about tonight. My game is off. I don't win any prizes for her, but I guess that's just as well. There's something I've been realizing for a while, something I've wanted to tell her for over a month now, but I can't bring myself to say it. She holds my arm as we walk past the booths. The moon is so bright, they almost don't need the lanterns. She's beautiful, of course. I'm always happy to be with her. I didn't think that moving to a new place would make me feel better, but Kaho has really made my life happy. She's my best friend--I can tell her anything. Sometimes she can be a bit much, straightening my tie or giving me advice. It's almost like she wants to be my mother. I guess that's all right though. But tonight I can tell there's something wrong.
"Touya... Let's go for a walk," she says.
We walk alone down the moonlit path in silence. I know where we're going. When we get there, she looks at me for a long time and then says, "I'm going to be studying abroad." I look at her with wide eyes. I had no idea this was coming. "
When?" I ask.
"Tomorrow," she says.
"Why didn't you tell me?!" I can't believe she's saying this. We've been best friends for a year and then suddenly she's leaving me.
She gives me this smile... usually I love her smiles, but this one infuriates me. "You'd have been sad, wouldn't you? Neither of us is good at being sad, Touya." She pulls up close, her head on my shoulder. "We met under this tree and you said you liked me. It's been a year since then." I turn away. I'm so angry. Why is she leaving now? I've finally figured out how I feel and I want to tell her. To tell her that there's nothing wrong with her, but that she's my best friend...and that's different from what I think she wants us to be...what I tried to be for her.
"I really enjoyed my time with you, my Touya. I love you and we both had so much fun together."
This isn't right. I was going to tell her, and now she's telling me. Doesn't she feel the way I thought she did?
"Why is this in past tense?" I ask. I know she can hear I'm angry.
My hand is on her shoulder, and she reaches up to push it off. She turns to face me, touching my cheek. I was so ready to tell her. Now my heart is pounding and I don't know what to think. I don't want her to leave!
"Let's say good bye," she says.
"Why?" No. Please don't leave me.
Then, that smile again, "When we next meet, you'll have someone you like, and I will too."
Maybe she never felt that way about me. Maybe she was pretending too. If I tell her, maybe she'll stay.
I open my mouth, finally ready, as Kaho gets blurry in my eyes. She places her fingers on my lips before I can say it.
"Don't worry. Next time, when we meet, we will be really good friends. When the time comes, I will come back," She pauses, as if remembering something or maybe foretelling something. "When the time comes," she says again. Then she quickly turns and walks away. She stops to look at the sky.
"It's a pretty moon."
I look down. I get it now. She's running away. I don't know what I did, but she's leaving. This is wrong. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Why do the people I love leave me? I'm glad she can't see me cry.
***
7
8 Now
I had finished telling him about my time in Japan. He looked at me so sympathetically that I couldn't bear to see him. I had managed not to think about this for a long time and it all welled up at once. I couldn't even remember how I'd felt, just how bad I had been feeling since the day I left, wearing that jaunty false smile. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt Eriol's hand on mine. I looked up and took the proferred tissue, drying my cheeks.
"It's really quite stupid," I told him. "I should have just told him, but I didn't have the heart. No, I didn't have the courage. I knew it would not have worked -- could not have worked. We were just so different, and only circumstance had thrown us together. He was so glowing and beautiful... and I acted like a stupid kid and broke his heart. I never forgave myself for this, Eriol."
Eriol nodded at me and adjusted his glasses. His hand was still clasped around mine, and his other was soft on my cheek.
"It's not easy to say goodbye, especially to the ones you love. Change is inexorable as the seasons, Kaho. We all move on. We find new ones to love, and those we've left find others. You can't blame yourself forever," he said softly.
"But." I protested, "I didn't tell him..."
"Touya is a strong person. Besides, ironically enough he has found someone else with whom he is compatible." Eriol was smiling, but his eyes were rueful.
"How do you know this?"
"The same way I knew who the Cards had chosen. A Wizard must be able to see after all."
"Then... you already knew all about Touya and me."
"Of course. But I can't see into your hearts." His face was serious and his hold on my hand was tight. "I know it's a difficult thing to ask, but I am need you to return to Japan. To Tomoeda."
"What?! What for?"
"It will all make sense once I finish telling you my story."
"All right. But why is it ironic that Touya has found someone?"
"It's not that he's found someone else...it's *who* he's found that's ironic."
"Why?"
The hand gripping mine was larger than mine, and his long, dark hair was confined to a braid. His face wasn't far from my own. "Because I created him, of course."
***
9 Then
"Hey Kinomoto-kun!"
My first reaction is anger. Couldn't he tell I didn't want to be bothered? Everyone seems to think they've got a right to bug me just because I walk home by myself. Besides, I'd been really enjoying being depressed. But when I looked I saw it was him. He was riding a bike, the same one I'd seen him ride to school a few times. I'd seen him play football a few times too. He was amazing. His speeed and strength were unbelievable. But then I'd always gotten a strange feeling from him. Something odd. He didn't look odd, though. He was just in his school clothes smiling at me from behind his glasses. He was also balancing a large grocery bag on his handlebars with two loaves of bread sticking out of it.
"Hey. I don't remember your name," I say.
"Tsukishiro Yukito. Nice to meet you."
He's got a nice voice. I don't know why I think that, but I notice it. "So.. what is it?" I say while walking.
"Oh, I just saw you walking home and I had a little bit of food and I thought you might like some."
I stop and look at his bag. It could feed my family for three days -- even my monster of a sister.
"A little food?" I say.
He smiles and blushes, almost like a girl. "Well, I like to eat. My grandfather says I'm a growing boy."
"Heh. You are pretty tall. Almost as tall as me. Sure, what do you have to eat?"
He tosses me a meat bun, "Try one of these." I do. It's good. I eat and walk in silence for a while. The whole time Yukito's got this embarrassed smile.
"So you just stopped by to give me food on the way home?" I ask. I mean it to come out sort of harsh, but it doesn't.
"No... not really. You always seem so down when I see you at school. So I wanted to cheer you up."
"What if I don't want to be cheered up?"
"I think everyone likes being happy."
"I don't think there's a month that goes by when some lower-classman girl doesn't try to cheer me up. They never seem to get the point."
He shrugs. "They probably just worry about you."
I want to tell this guy to leave me alone, but I find I'm just not upset. I'd expected to be, but I'm not.
"Well, I'm just gonna head home. You can come with me if you want."
"That sounds like fun." he says, smiling.
We walk several blocks without talking. Once he catches me staring at his hair, so fair as to be almost silver. I quickly look away. I feel this strange feeling I've never felt before. There's just something different about him which I can't explain. Somehow I want to know more about him...
We're on my block when he stops and turns to me. "It can be tough sometimes... Things happen which make you sad. I never even knew my father or my mother. But things always work out if you want them to."
I don't know what to say. Dad has said this before. Even my little sister. For some reason I want to listen to Yukito. Maybe it's because it looks like he understands. Maybe it's just time I snapped out of it.
"Of course food makes everything better." he adds.
I laugh, probably my first good laugh in months. "You may have something there." Who is this person? Why am I so interested in him?
We're practically in front of my house so I wave at the front door and say, "Well, this is my place. If you're not in a hurry to go home maybe my dad can make dinner out of that stuff," I point to his groceries. "I can probably steal my Super-Famicom from my sister if we're lucky."
"If you don't think it'd be a problem, I'd love to!"
We get inside the house and slip off our shoes. "I'm home!" I call out. Sakura runs from the kitchen, full of energy as usual. She's still in her school uniform.
"Oh oniichan! You brought a friend over!" Her smile is practically splitting her face in half.
"Hello Kinomoto-kun's sister, my name is Yukito" Yukito says. He kneels down to smile at her. You can practically see the little stars in her eyes.
"Ahhh Yukito-san! You have to stay for dinner! I'm going to help make it. At least I'll try. I'm not very good, but my father is a really good cook so you should stay." Her face is turning red.
"Why don't you be a good monster and stomp around in the kitchen," I tell her roughly.
She scrunches her face up, "Ooooh oniichan! You shouldn't be so mean in front of guests." Suddenly she smiles and runs into the kitchen shouting, "Father! Oniichan brought over a guest! Can I help make extra food?"
I look uneasily at Yukito and shrug. He just smiles. I hope Sakura doesn't ruin dinner.
***
"...so I decided to wait and see how things would work out," Eriol said.
He paused and I took advantage of the time to gather my thoughts. There were several unclear points. "Eriol, if Touya met Yukito, where is Yue?"
"Yue is inside Yukito, and he experiences everything Yukito lives. And hopefully he feels the same way towards Touya that Yukito does." I saw the saddest face Eriol had yet shown me. "I want him to be happy. He wanted so very much something I could not give him." He blinked hard, twice.
"Eriol... You sometimes talk about Clow as if he is someone else, and sometimes as if you are he. I am confused."
"So am I, sometimes. I have Clow's memories. Sometimes I respond to things as if I were him. But Clow is Clow. Eriol is Eriol. They are distinct."
There was silence for a moment. Then, "When I made Yue, I instilled in him a bond to the Card Master. He was bound to the Master like the Moon to the Earth. I.. no. Clow thought it fitting, as Yue's power derived from the moon. Of course there was a blind spot in his reasoning. As the moon is attracted to the Earth so must the Earth be attracted to the moon. He handled this attraction poorly and it was partly for this reason that Clow decided to pass on. Perhaps it was a kind of cowardice on his part." The last he said harshly. I instinctively put an arm around him. The last hour had been spent sitting together on the couch. His body was so tense. Clow's memories must have been so painful for him. To inherit centuries of a regretful past... I couldn't even imagine it.
Eriol cleared his throat. "Yukito's fondness for Touya gave me confidence that the Cards had chosen well." His face clouded again. "And I hoped, and still hope, that because Yukito loves Touya that Yue could love Touya. And be happy." He pause and then continued, " I expected Touya's heart would heal and he would be ready in time to become the Master of the Cards. It might even have happened that way except for an unexpected situation."
***
Syaoran really has grown. Just moments ago it seems he was a quiet baby in my arms. He does credit to the family, strong and handsome as he is. Now that I feel the aura of Clow's creation so strongly in the East, I know it cannot be a coincidence that Syaoran was born the month I first felt it. Those Cards which were fashioned centuries ago by our long lost cousin call to us after having been abandoned for such a time. And Li Syaoran is now going to retrieve them.
"I am ready, mother." He is dressed in green, his sword sheathed at his hip. His sisters are beaming with pride at him.
"You are as prepared as we can make you, my son. But we do not know what obstacles Clow Reed might have placed in your path. He was known for his tricks and riddles."
Syaoran stares at me with determination, "I will overcome the obstacles he puts in my way. If anyone else tries to take the Cards, I will fight him."
The time and place are right, here in the Li clan's estate in Syaoran's eleventh year. Soon the most prized creations of the most powerful wizard will again be safe in the possession of Clow's family.
"Go now, Syaoran, to Japan. And listen to Wei. Hey may be your servant, but he is old and wise."
"Yes mother." Syaoran turned to leave but my voice stops him "You should also say good-bye to your cousin."
His hangs his head, "Mother, shouldn't I leave as quickly as possible? The Cards are waiting."
I resist the temptation to smile. This is not the time for him to question my judgment. "Mei-ling is an excellent fighter and has been your friend for years. Besides, she is your fiancee."
His face turns red. "Yes mother," he says. Then he bows and walks out the door. His sisters all let out their suppressed giggles before I reprove them with a stern look.
"Good luck, my son," I whisper.
***
For the first time since our creation, my love and I are having an argument. The Cards are in an uproar far greater than any we've ever had. We all feel it -- the interloper coming to steal us away. It may be a matter of weeks or even days before he finds us. We are divided. Some have called for us to simply disappear for a while and return later to choose a new Master. Others are clamoring for us to call Touya even though his heart is not ready. I have championed a third option.
"It is too dangerous!" she says to me, her dark features clouded. "We must leave now before the wrong person claims us. Clow gave us the choice of Masters. We should not have it taken away."
"The Dark is right," calls a high voice. "There will be time enough to choose a new Master. We can come back whenever we want." I look up and see the voice's owner: The Return.
The Mirror is in tears, "We can't leave now. We've waited so long. We have a perfect Master right here. Let us call him."
"We all know the truth," comes the eerie emanation of Libra. "We all remember how his trust was broken when his mother died, and how his heart closed even more when yet another woman he loved left him. Touya's heart has not yet fully opened even to Yue's false form. He is certainly not ready to take all of us in."
"He's right!" calls Fiery, pacing nervously along the limiteless path provided thoughtfully by Loop. "It cannot be Touya."
I look at Dark a long while before turning to face the others. "We lack the time to wait for Touya, and it is ill-advised to disappear again. We have already waited so long. But there is another choice. We have all felt it -- the strong magical presence of the other Kinomoto."
"It's true!" cries the Sweet, her hands clasped and her eyes wide in adoration. "She is so wonderfully gentle and kind."
"She's got something there, I have to agree," says Power, her arms folded.
"Are you crazy?" shouts Fight. "She's eleven! She won't have the power to keep us alive."
I try to keep my voice as level as possible, "If we leave now, we may never be able to come back!"
They are suddenly quiet. "Everyone. Clow gave us enough power to survive a long time. But is has been several centuries. We haven't much longer we can go without a new Master."
Silence. I turn to look at Dark. We are both crying. I take her hands and squeeze them softly. "My love, you trusted me when Touya's heart was broken again. Let's not quarrel. You have felt Sakura's presence grow. Her heart is so open and her potential is so great. I'm sure we can make her work as our Mistress, I just know it! We can't give up now, not while there is hope."
Everyone is quiet, waiting for Dark to answer. "It will be difficult," she says at last. "Do you believe Sakura will be able to capture us all and reswear us to her?"
"I have confidence in her. I know it will all be all right," I reply.
"I cannot fight with you, my love," she says with a sigh. "You are always my ray of hope."
My spirit jumps and I smile at her. "I hate it when we don't agree. More so for it's rarity."
To the others I say, "Everyone, there is only one thing left to do now. Shall we call Sakura to us?"
The desperation that had lived in my voice is visible among them. Those with faces are nodding. The others show their acquiescence in their own ways. Slowly we begin to melt our forms, one by one, and swirl about each other, losing our identity, becoming one. First us, Light and Dark, and then the others join together. We are a prismatic spiral, our silent call bursting from our little cage, out of the basement of the Kinomoto residence, finally coming across the soul of a young girl, beckoning her to come down the stairs and release us.
***
Now
"The Judge is not going to accept the new Mistress of the cards. You're going to have to help. I have something for you," Eriol had said, his eyes shining with dark intensity.
That was a month ago. Since our talk at his house, Eriol and I have met several times. He has told me about England and China hundreds of years ago. I've told him about my powers and how I came to discover them. We've spent whole days together. I don't even see his face anymore, his real one...just the one he used to wear, centuries ago. I'm not sure if it's because I want to see him as he was, or that it is he is actively projecting this aura over his true self.
But I think he must be doing it my benefit. He wants me to see him as an equal. No, as his junior. His smile remains the same and his half- Oriental/half-Western features. Truly Clow found quite a match to be reincarnated into. But the smile which is coy and self-satisfied when I see him as Eriol becomes so gentle and knowing on an older face. I know I am falling in love with him, this young/old man. I think that is what it must be. He has so much to teach and he is never reproachful, always open. And he has a way of answering questions with a minimum of information. At first I found it frustrating, but now I realize he merely tries to get the best from you, making you think of the answer yourself. When I puzzle these things out for myself, he seems so genuinely pleased.
Of course I catch him, sometimes. He may be a several centuries old mage, forever arrested at the height of his health and beauty, but he's also a child and it shows. He's an imp sometimes, teasing, playing subtle jokes. Being Eriol has made Clow young again. I think it's this combination of profound wisdom and childish mischievousness which is so compelling. I have not expressed my affection yet. It is awkward. People mistake him for my son. It's just an odd situation. for my mission
He's sitting across from me, smiling, eyes almost closed. The traffic whizzes by just a few feet from our table but he seems unconcerned as always. I think he must be concerned, however, about my mission back to Japan, this being the last meeting before I fly away. The waitress has just set the tea on our table and I stare at it contemplatively.
He's looking at me from across the table. "Are you all right, Kaho?" We still speak in Japanese; another subtle private joke, I think.
I smile, "I was just thinking about how things might have been. Touya would have made a fine Master of the Cards."
Eriol shook his head, "Touya's fate is his own. And his part to play is not an unhappy one. Neither is yours."
I nod and sip my tea. "I suppose you have it there in the bag"
Eriol reaches into his bag dramatically. I was assuming it would be the item he'd discussed -- the magic bell I was to ring at the appointed time so that the unripe Card Captor Sakura could win favor with Yue the Guardian during her final trial. Instead it is a violet rose, the same color as his eyes. He extends his hand, offering the flower to me.
"For you, Kaho. Lest you worry my feelings for you have been only professional.
I take the rose and look down at it. I can feel my cheeks flush. When I look up, he is still a boy, but his look is tender and mature.
"I've known you were special since before I met you. And I knew you would see me for who I am, not the body I am wearing. That is your magic.
"Kaho," he continues, "We won't see each other for a while. Let's enjoy this time."
We share smiles, and as if nature is echoing our fleeting happiness, the sun breaks through the clouds, lighting up a gloomy English afternoon.
***
1-23-02
By Gideon Marcus
Edited by Janice Marcus
***
Now
It would have been impossible not to notice when Eriol first walked into the classroom. After all, he towered over the third graders, and his odd, Chinese-style clothing instantly drew the eye. Even beyond the incongruity of his appearance, his appearance was striking what with his odd Eurasian features and his mature bearing. I found him very handsome.
I opened my mouth to ask who he was, but the words did not come, and to my surprise he sat in front of me, with his adult body somehow fitting into the tiny desk with no discomfort at all. I blinked, and suddenly, it was no longer a thirty-something man with his legs squeezed under a too-small desk...but rather a sweet looking boy, with his legs dangling just above the floor.
He looked up and caught me staring at him. His smile grew wider, and I caught a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. Then I realized that my mouth was hanging open, and I quickly closed it.
I don't know how I got through that first day of class. I kept feeling his eyes upon me, and once, I felt his tangible aura of power, though it was quickly hidden. I was not surprised, when the interminable lesson was finally over, to see that he had stayed after class. He approached my desk and I looked across at him.
"I need your help," he said simply, smiling. His voice was disturbingly unchildlike. I glanced around the classroom, making sure that everyone had left, and then looked back at him.
He was an adult again.
And this time, behind the calm façade I could feel an intense magical aura, the edge of which I'd caught during the lesson. He must have amazing control, I thought, to be able to shield himself so effectively. I couldn't help but be reminded of Touya, though Touya's powers had been latent. Even using his magic only passively, however, had given Touya an aura of quiet strength that had drawn me to him. I blinked. The memory of the young man I'd left after my short time as a student-teacher in Japan caught me off balance.
The strange boy/man was still looking at me intently through perpetually half-closed-seeming eyes.
"Hiiragizawa-san?" The honorific came unbidden to my lips... a bad habit I was trying to fix.
"Yes," he responded in Japanese and continued, "but I don't think we need to continue with fiction. You can see I'm no ordinary boy."
I nodded with realisation. "You're not a boy at all."
He seemed pleased with this, though it was hard to tell. He was always smiling.
"Why do you want my help?"
"Because someone very important to you is very important to me."
"There is no one very important to me at the moment." It sounded harsh to my ears.
"Ah, Kaho-san, but you've left one behind."
He'd caught me off guard again. The memory of Touya was still a barely covered wound. I was the one who had left, after all. I could only remember his stricken face, his tears. Another woman Touya loved had disappeared from his life. First his mother, and then me.
"What do you want with Touya?" Suspicious.
"It is not so much Touya as the Kinomoto family as a whole. Especially the younger sister."
Pink recollections, a little girl with a glowing smile. "Sakura?" He nodded.
"Let's find a place to sit, shall we? I have a long story to tell."
***
Then
I think I've read this same magazine fifty times now. I don't know why they don't have more kids' stuff. It's a pretty small hospital and a really small waiting room, so I guess they can't afford anything better. Dad keeps pacing up and down the little room. It's a good thing there isn't anyone else here. I look at my watch. We've been here twelve hours already! Now I'm getting scared because Dad is never worried. He's always happy and smiling -- especially when mom's around. I think I'm going to have to marry a girl like my mom because she makes Dad so happy.
"Don't worry, Dad, " I say. "Didn't you say everything will be okay?" He stops and looks at me and he smiles again, just like he always does. "Of course, Touya. Everything will be fine." He sits next to me. "We wouldn't want Mommy to know we were worrying." Dad always says stuff like that.
Well, I'm not worrying. I'm not exactly sure how this whole thing works, but I guess in the end we won't have a play room because someone will be living in it. I'm a little upset about that. I wasn't even asked if I wanted a brother.
I get up to get a drink of water. When I come back, Dad is up again, pacing back and forth, and his suit is getting rumpled. I'm about to say something to him and then someone hits me. Oh God it hurts so much! My stomach is on fire, and below too--it's like they're ripping me apart and I can't even see them. I think Dad is trying to help me but I'm on the floor and I can't see because I'm crying. I look at myself but I look fine and I realize it's not happening to me. It's someone else who's being hurt. It's mom! They're hurting mom! I try to get up. Dad is saying something but I can't hear. I'm screaming, "Mom! I gotta see mom!" I get on my feet and run out the door. I don't know where she is but I can feel it and I run to where the pain is. There's people in my way. I push them and they fall over. I have to save mom.
The stupid elevator takes forever so I'm running up the stairs. Two at a time, I can feel my heart trying to run away. I get to the second floor door and open it. The hall is empty. I know she's up here nearby. I can feel it. I run down the hall, find the door, and kick it open. "Stop hurting my mom!" I yell. Everyone is in white and they look at me except for the one who's hurting her. He's at the end of the bed and he's got something in his hands. I try to stop him but some people hold me back. I start to fight but then mom tells me, "Touya, it's all right. They are almost done."
Now that I've stopped fighting, they're dragging me away. "It's all right. Let him stay, please," mom says to the them. The nurse gives me a mean look and tells me to stay way back. I do it, but I'm scared because they are hurting her so much. Then the pain starts to go away. The doctor is smiling and doing something and I hear a baby crying! I realize it had to be him. I look at the baby, and I'm so mad that he could do this.
But instead of pain, I feel joy. I don't understand it until I see mom looking at her baby and I realize what's making her so happy.
They wipe him up as clean as you can get a baby and let mom see him. She's smiling wider than I've ever seen. I want to hate my new brother, but I just can't. I can feel how much mom loves him. No... her. It's a girl! "Hello, Sakura-chan," mom says. "Would you like to say hello to your brother?" The nurses let me come closer and she's put in my arms. I see her, all wet and wrinkly. I know that babies aren't supposed to be able to see but the baby opens her eyes at me and smiles. I'm looking at her for a long time. She doesn't look anything like mom or dad. Then I blush because I'm thinking she looks more like a monster than anything. But she's so small. I want to protect her because she's so little. I give her back to mom who's smiling too. She loves Sakura, and she doesn't hurt at all any more.
I think I'm going to love Sakura too.
***
1 Then
I always enjoy the company of The Dark. We have been together since we were created and we are as inseperable as our namesakes, Light and Dark. Together we are balance, not just for the Cards but for each other, each completing the other, making us whole. Today my love is smiling that special smile she reserves for just me, her dark features lighted up with warmth. I'm a happy girl anyway, but this makes me positively bubbly (all due respect to the The Bubbles). I can understand her happiness, however. Today, after many years of waiting for the right person to exist, we may have finally found him.
Everyone is excited. The Elemental siblings have been chattering away about it for a long time now, The Flower is dancing about showering petals on everyone, while The Erase is taking great glee in vanishing them all as quickly as they are made. The Song and The Voice have been performing a lovely duet since they heard the news. It's very sweet, as one has adopted the voice of the mother and the other that of the newborn daughter. We've all been celebrating in this tiny infinite space inside this book which seals us yet allows us to be anywhere. It was inevitable that there would be a dissenting voice some time -- we are rarely in complete accord.
"Is it really up to us to choose who the next Master will be? That is the Guardian's job." The speaker is the lovely girl, The Arrow, who as usual, gets right to the point.
"Can't you feel this one's strength?" The Power says challengingly, a smirk on her little face.
The Cloud speaks up, "Yes, we have been waiting so long!" The Time dips his head in agreement. He knows perhaps more than any others the importance of finding a new Master before too long.
"You just want to fly around and rain on someone," retorts The Fight. "You should think about the big picture."
The Cloud blushes. The Fight does have a tendency to be very confrontational. The Dark touches my hand and I nod. It is time to take control of the situation. I illuminate the space brightly and the bickering stops.
"Fellow cards," I say with a smile, "We have been through this before. You are right, Arrow. It is not our duty to choose the next Master. But Keroberos has been asleep now some forty-seven years. As long as he seals our book, we are powerless until a Master wakes him up. And someone has to choose that Master."
"I could wake him up, given the chance," The Sweet says, smiling demurely.
A collective wave of pained assent sweeps through the assembly. Everyone knows Keroberos' weakness.
I continue, "I know you could, but we don't have that option. However, all of you have felt and seen Kinomoto Touya's powers. They are tremendous. He certainly has the strength and magical energy to sustain us when he reaches maturity."
"It takes more than that to be a Master of the Cards." The thundering voice and flyaway hair can only be those of The Storm.
"Of course," I nod. "And I think we've all felt his tremendous love for Nadesico and Sakura. His heart is warm. I think he would accept us."
"He's very cute, too!" The Mirror adds. Most of us laugh at that. The Fly chirps loudly.
The serene voice of The Woody floats from the group as the laughter diminishes, "We have plenty of time before Kinomoto reaches maturity. He cannot handle the cards until that time. This is as good a place as any to take root and wait."
The Dark takes my hands and gazes at me. We are, as we ever have been, in agreement. She addresses the Clow Cards, "Yes, The Woody is right. Let us wait here until Touya is of age."
We, Light and Dark, have made our wishes known, which pretty much ends the discussion. I grin at The Dark eagerly. "This is going to be such a fun decade!" I say.
***
Now
I seated myself comfortably with a cup of steaming tea on my knee. "So how much of a life story could you have?" I said with a smile.
Eriol relaxed in a high backed chair which was utterly too large for him and looked at me. He returned my smile and spoke to me in that high, lilting tone of his. "It's amazing how much I've packed into such a small time." He winked. He'd switched to English somewhere along the way and seemed comfortable with it. "My first memories of this life are from when I was two years old. I was lying in my crib, looking at little dangly things above me. Someone who I presumed was my mother came by and offered me a bottle. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not hungry.' -- in Chinese. Well, you can imagine the poor woman went completely daft and I had to clear her memory of the incident."
My surprise must have been evident. "Oh, don't worry," he said. "I only do it when I have to. It's rather distasteful, really. So then I realized that I wasn't just a toddler with wet pants, but Clow Reed, a centuries old sorcerer who'd been relatively certain he'd died. You can imagine the shock."
I nodded, "And for your parents too!"
The dim light from the small lamps in his study glinted off his glasses. "Actually, I soon learned I was in an orphanage. I never learned who my parents were. I very shortly thereafter left the place, erasing any trace that I'd been there, and came home."
"Wait a minute; I'm confused. Who exactly is.. or was... Clow Reed?"
For a moment I saw the same handsome young man I'd seen earlier at school. His frame fit the large chair perfectly. In a low voice he said, "Clow Reed lived centuries ago. He was the most powerful sorcecer the world had ever seen, and the first to fuse both Western and Eastern Magics. He was essentially immortal, and late in his life, after tiring of philanthropy, he retired to reclusion with two beings of his creation and a deck of magical cards. And one day even that was too much existence to bear, so he passed from the world. And I was once him."
"Was this Clow Reed's home?"
He nodded, "Apparently he.. I arranged for his place to remain in my possession in perpetuity. I think I'd always expected to return somehow. Quite honestly, I don't think I was ready to die. But I was very tired of who I was." He was a boy again, with an uncharacteristic look of wistful sadness. "But the fact that I was here had to have been significant, and I quickly found out why. You see, in addition to ensuring Clow always had a home, he also insured the existence of his magical creations. This deck of cards he made contained some of the most powerful magics ever crafted, but they required a Master to continue. Clow knew no one of his time was up to the task and he was unwilling to wait until one powerful enough was born. So he bound his two magical companions to them as guardians and set them adrift in time until such time as a new Master would be ready for them."
"And a new Master has been found?"
Eriol smiled at that, but it was a rueful smile. "So I'd thought eight years ago. Unfortunately, a small wrinkle in my plan came about..."
***
Then
Mom is dead.
It's been months, but I still always come back to that. "Everything will be fine," Dad says, smiling that fake smile. Even Sakura doesn't cry anymore, though it took her weeks. I don't think she ever realized what was going on even though Dad tried to explain it to her. I don't think she'll even remember her when she grows up. But I still miss her. I want her back.
I huddle in the corner. I know it doesn't do any good to be so depressed. I bring Dad down even though he's still teaching and getting on with life. I bring Sakura down because she doesn't understand why her oniichan is upset. I know I should get over it. I can't though. I felt mom get sicker, week by week. She promised me she wouldn't leave me, but I saw her die. I felt the bond that held us together disappear just like that. I held her hand and cried and told her not to go, but I couldn't do anything to stop her.
The window is open, and now the wind blowing through the curtains is making it chilly. I wasn't going to get up, but it's really cold, and I can't sit here anymore. I look up at the window and mom is there in front of it, wearing her favorite green dress, the wall and window barely visible behind her.
"Mom," I whisper. I want to be happy but I know the truth almost the moment I see her. She's a ghost. She's not real. She's dead.
The ghost of my mom looks worried, "I wish you wouldn't be so sad, Touya," she says softly, like a rustle of leaves.
That makes me angry. "How am I supposed to feel? You left! I wasn't ready for you to go. I need you!"
She looks sad. "Touya, you know I would have stayed if I could have. I love you so much. I love your father and Sakura. I was so happy."
"I was happy too! What am I supposed to do without you? I'm all alone." I blink tears away so I can see her.
Mom is crying too. She brushes the tears from her cheeks. "You're not alone Touya. Your father loves you too."
"It's not the same. It's never been the same with us."
"But you must be strong. I'll always be with you. I love you, Touya." She's coming towards me now, holding me close like when I was little. I feel an odd warmth as wings close around me.
"You are not alone. Sakura is just a little girl. You need to be her oniichan. She loves you so much and your heart must remain warm for her," she says.
"But you're gone," I force the words out.
She tilts up my chin, making me look her in the eye, and shakes her head, "You can see me, Touya. Even after I've gone you can see me. You are special. Because of that, whenever I can be here, you will see me. And I know you will endure because you are strong."
I look at her, and she's smiling even though she is crying. I can see my sister's face in hers. I start to say something, to tell her I will try, but she disappears, leaving me cold and alone again, the curtains streaming in the chilly wind.
I sit down and fold my arms around myself feeling very dark and lonely.
***
2 Then
We have all been of low spirits as of late. My love, The Dark's eyes are shadowed and sad. I try to smile and keep all our spirits high, but it gets more and more difficult. Touya's sadness and grief are palpable even in here, and we are all affected. There has been much agitated discussion recently. Even the Silent has waved her arms in an animated fashion. Today it almost came to a head. The Elemental Siblings came to Dark and I and shouted angrily in unison, "It is time to move on! It has been three years and still Touya shows no sign of being able to accept us!"
"Touya's heart is the same heart we were drawn to before," I replied.
"But it isn't!" crackled the Storm, her brother Thunder rumbling in agreement. "It has become turmoiled and unclear. He hates everybody!"
"You are wrong! Touya still loves Sakura more than anything," The Glow punctuated her words with great incandescence. "We all can feel his emotions. He's just upset. He's been through a lot. But he'll get over it eventually!"
"I am inclined to agree," murmured Time, his wizened face expressionless.
"I think Windy is just trying to take advantage of her lead spot in the line-up," cracked Fight.
"Well do you want to be stuck here forever?" boomed Big, towering over them all. The Little nodded agreement so fervently his double-pointed hat nearly fell off.
All was about to break into chaos when The Dark's sweet voice rang out, "My Cards, we must persevere. We have waited centuries, we can remain patient for a little while longer. Even the deepest darkness is accompanied by the brightest light." she turned to smile at me. "Can we forget his great strength and magical prowess? The love he shows for his sister? Touya is still several years from the ideal age. We can wait that long at least. Surely his heart will have healed by then."
It was silent after her speech. I clasped my love's hands warmly.
It does not take much to unify the cards in sentiment, especially when my love and I have spoken. The Elementals grudgingly stepped back and the other cards bowed in aquiescence. The Illusion showed her agreement by forming an image of young Touya before reverting to her mosaiced form while the rest of the Cards went back to their normal state.
I gave The Dark a brave smile, "We're doing the right thing, I'm sure."
"As long as we're together, I can wait." Her smile warmed me from hair to heart.
***
3
4 Now
Suddenly, I realized that my mouth had been open in amazement for some time. Eriol had named no names in his story, and he was an hour into it before I realized my connection with his situation.
"You're talking about Touya, aren't you," I asked him, a little more loudly than I'd intended.
Very gravely, especially for Eriol, he nodded. I opened my mouth to speak but could think of nothing to say. This was definitely not what I had wanted to talk about. But I couldn't help remembering...
"I noticed him immediately..."
"You notice a lot of things. A person's true form, for instance," he interrupted.
"Well..." I stammered.
"It's all right. I'm glad of it. I knew it would make it easier to understand my situation. But please, go on."
His eyes were twinkling. I think it was then I first noticed the smugness in Eriol's smile. It is one of his few annothing traits. I hope I never become like that.
***
5 Then
I smile at a job well done. The old shrine looks as good as ever. It is a pity there are no other daughters to do it, but I don't mind. I turn to look fondly at the old tree... and I see him. I know exactly what he is the moment I see him. He looks like a fourteen year old boy in a junior high school uniform, but I see through that to his true self. He is like me.
"Good evening. So late to say your prayers," I say casually, interrupting his silent communication with the tree.
He turns to face me. "I just moved here, so I'm saying hello."
"You can see the spirit in the tree?"'
He glances back at tree. "You can see things other people can see," I say. I am very excited. I know he sees how I see. But perhaps I have made a mistake. His face is clouding over with anger or bitterness.
"I'm used to it," he says roughly.
I smile and try to change the subject, "What is your name?"
"Kinomoto Touya," he replies.
The name is familiar. It is on the list of students in the class I will be teaching tomorrow. I look at this remarkable person, his dark hair framing a intense, handsome face. I get the strongest of feelings from him, as though our destinies will be linked tightly from now on.
I know we will become the best of friends.
"I am Mizuki Kaho. I will see you again tomorrow."
***
6 Then
The carnival has been great, but I've been quiet the whole time. Something is up, but I'm not sure what. Something about tonight. My game is off. I don't win any prizes for her, but I guess that's just as well. There's something I've been realizing for a while, something I've wanted to tell her for over a month now, but I can't bring myself to say it. She holds my arm as we walk past the booths. The moon is so bright, they almost don't need the lanterns. She's beautiful, of course. I'm always happy to be with her. I didn't think that moving to a new place would make me feel better, but Kaho has really made my life happy. She's my best friend--I can tell her anything. Sometimes she can be a bit much, straightening my tie or giving me advice. It's almost like she wants to be my mother. I guess that's all right though. But tonight I can tell there's something wrong.
"Touya... Let's go for a walk," she says.
We walk alone down the moonlit path in silence. I know where we're going. When we get there, she looks at me for a long time and then says, "I'm going to be studying abroad." I look at her with wide eyes. I had no idea this was coming. "
When?" I ask.
"Tomorrow," she says.
"Why didn't you tell me?!" I can't believe she's saying this. We've been best friends for a year and then suddenly she's leaving me.
She gives me this smile... usually I love her smiles, but this one infuriates me. "You'd have been sad, wouldn't you? Neither of us is good at being sad, Touya." She pulls up close, her head on my shoulder. "We met under this tree and you said you liked me. It's been a year since then." I turn away. I'm so angry. Why is she leaving now? I've finally figured out how I feel and I want to tell her. To tell her that there's nothing wrong with her, but that she's my best friend...and that's different from what I think she wants us to be...what I tried to be for her.
"I really enjoyed my time with you, my Touya. I love you and we both had so much fun together."
This isn't right. I was going to tell her, and now she's telling me. Doesn't she feel the way I thought she did?
"Why is this in past tense?" I ask. I know she can hear I'm angry.
My hand is on her shoulder, and she reaches up to push it off. She turns to face me, touching my cheek. I was so ready to tell her. Now my heart is pounding and I don't know what to think. I don't want her to leave!
"Let's say good bye," she says.
"Why?" No. Please don't leave me.
Then, that smile again, "When we next meet, you'll have someone you like, and I will too."
Maybe she never felt that way about me. Maybe she was pretending too. If I tell her, maybe she'll stay.
I open my mouth, finally ready, as Kaho gets blurry in my eyes. She places her fingers on my lips before I can say it.
"Don't worry. Next time, when we meet, we will be really good friends. When the time comes, I will come back," She pauses, as if remembering something or maybe foretelling something. "When the time comes," she says again. Then she quickly turns and walks away. She stops to look at the sky.
"It's a pretty moon."
I look down. I get it now. She's running away. I don't know what I did, but she's leaving. This is wrong. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Why do the people I love leave me? I'm glad she can't see me cry.
***
7
8 Now
I had finished telling him about my time in Japan. He looked at me so sympathetically that I couldn't bear to see him. I had managed not to think about this for a long time and it all welled up at once. I couldn't even remember how I'd felt, just how bad I had been feeling since the day I left, wearing that jaunty false smile. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt Eriol's hand on mine. I looked up and took the proferred tissue, drying my cheeks.
"It's really quite stupid," I told him. "I should have just told him, but I didn't have the heart. No, I didn't have the courage. I knew it would not have worked -- could not have worked. We were just so different, and only circumstance had thrown us together. He was so glowing and beautiful... and I acted like a stupid kid and broke his heart. I never forgave myself for this, Eriol."
Eriol nodded at me and adjusted his glasses. His hand was still clasped around mine, and his other was soft on my cheek.
"It's not easy to say goodbye, especially to the ones you love. Change is inexorable as the seasons, Kaho. We all move on. We find new ones to love, and those we've left find others. You can't blame yourself forever," he said softly.
"But." I protested, "I didn't tell him..."
"Touya is a strong person. Besides, ironically enough he has found someone else with whom he is compatible." Eriol was smiling, but his eyes were rueful.
"How do you know this?"
"The same way I knew who the Cards had chosen. A Wizard must be able to see after all."
"Then... you already knew all about Touya and me."
"Of course. But I can't see into your hearts." His face was serious and his hold on my hand was tight. "I know it's a difficult thing to ask, but I am need you to return to Japan. To Tomoeda."
"What?! What for?"
"It will all make sense once I finish telling you my story."
"All right. But why is it ironic that Touya has found someone?"
"It's not that he's found someone else...it's *who* he's found that's ironic."
"Why?"
The hand gripping mine was larger than mine, and his long, dark hair was confined to a braid. His face wasn't far from my own. "Because I created him, of course."
***
9 Then
"Hey Kinomoto-kun!"
My first reaction is anger. Couldn't he tell I didn't want to be bothered? Everyone seems to think they've got a right to bug me just because I walk home by myself. Besides, I'd been really enjoying being depressed. But when I looked I saw it was him. He was riding a bike, the same one I'd seen him ride to school a few times. I'd seen him play football a few times too. He was amazing. His speeed and strength were unbelievable. But then I'd always gotten a strange feeling from him. Something odd. He didn't look odd, though. He was just in his school clothes smiling at me from behind his glasses. He was also balancing a large grocery bag on his handlebars with two loaves of bread sticking out of it.
"Hey. I don't remember your name," I say.
"Tsukishiro Yukito. Nice to meet you."
He's got a nice voice. I don't know why I think that, but I notice it. "So.. what is it?" I say while walking.
"Oh, I just saw you walking home and I had a little bit of food and I thought you might like some."
I stop and look at his bag. It could feed my family for three days -- even my monster of a sister.
"A little food?" I say.
He smiles and blushes, almost like a girl. "Well, I like to eat. My grandfather says I'm a growing boy."
"Heh. You are pretty tall. Almost as tall as me. Sure, what do you have to eat?"
He tosses me a meat bun, "Try one of these." I do. It's good. I eat and walk in silence for a while. The whole time Yukito's got this embarrassed smile.
"So you just stopped by to give me food on the way home?" I ask. I mean it to come out sort of harsh, but it doesn't.
"No... not really. You always seem so down when I see you at school. So I wanted to cheer you up."
"What if I don't want to be cheered up?"
"I think everyone likes being happy."
"I don't think there's a month that goes by when some lower-classman girl doesn't try to cheer me up. They never seem to get the point."
He shrugs. "They probably just worry about you."
I want to tell this guy to leave me alone, but I find I'm just not upset. I'd expected to be, but I'm not.
"Well, I'm just gonna head home. You can come with me if you want."
"That sounds like fun." he says, smiling.
We walk several blocks without talking. Once he catches me staring at his hair, so fair as to be almost silver. I quickly look away. I feel this strange feeling I've never felt before. There's just something different about him which I can't explain. Somehow I want to know more about him...
We're on my block when he stops and turns to me. "It can be tough sometimes... Things happen which make you sad. I never even knew my father or my mother. But things always work out if you want them to."
I don't know what to say. Dad has said this before. Even my little sister. For some reason I want to listen to Yukito. Maybe it's because it looks like he understands. Maybe it's just time I snapped out of it.
"Of course food makes everything better." he adds.
I laugh, probably my first good laugh in months. "You may have something there." Who is this person? Why am I so interested in him?
We're practically in front of my house so I wave at the front door and say, "Well, this is my place. If you're not in a hurry to go home maybe my dad can make dinner out of that stuff," I point to his groceries. "I can probably steal my Super-Famicom from my sister if we're lucky."
"If you don't think it'd be a problem, I'd love to!"
We get inside the house and slip off our shoes. "I'm home!" I call out. Sakura runs from the kitchen, full of energy as usual. She's still in her school uniform.
"Oh oniichan! You brought a friend over!" Her smile is practically splitting her face in half.
"Hello Kinomoto-kun's sister, my name is Yukito" Yukito says. He kneels down to smile at her. You can practically see the little stars in her eyes.
"Ahhh Yukito-san! You have to stay for dinner! I'm going to help make it. At least I'll try. I'm not very good, but my father is a really good cook so you should stay." Her face is turning red.
"Why don't you be a good monster and stomp around in the kitchen," I tell her roughly.
She scrunches her face up, "Ooooh oniichan! You shouldn't be so mean in front of guests." Suddenly she smiles and runs into the kitchen shouting, "Father! Oniichan brought over a guest! Can I help make extra food?"
I look uneasily at Yukito and shrug. He just smiles. I hope Sakura doesn't ruin dinner.
***
"...so I decided to wait and see how things would work out," Eriol said.
He paused and I took advantage of the time to gather my thoughts. There were several unclear points. "Eriol, if Touya met Yukito, where is Yue?"
"Yue is inside Yukito, and he experiences everything Yukito lives. And hopefully he feels the same way towards Touya that Yukito does." I saw the saddest face Eriol had yet shown me. "I want him to be happy. He wanted so very much something I could not give him." He blinked hard, twice.
"Eriol... You sometimes talk about Clow as if he is someone else, and sometimes as if you are he. I am confused."
"So am I, sometimes. I have Clow's memories. Sometimes I respond to things as if I were him. But Clow is Clow. Eriol is Eriol. They are distinct."
There was silence for a moment. Then, "When I made Yue, I instilled in him a bond to the Card Master. He was bound to the Master like the Moon to the Earth. I.. no. Clow thought it fitting, as Yue's power derived from the moon. Of course there was a blind spot in his reasoning. As the moon is attracted to the Earth so must the Earth be attracted to the moon. He handled this attraction poorly and it was partly for this reason that Clow decided to pass on. Perhaps it was a kind of cowardice on his part." The last he said harshly. I instinctively put an arm around him. The last hour had been spent sitting together on the couch. His body was so tense. Clow's memories must have been so painful for him. To inherit centuries of a regretful past... I couldn't even imagine it.
Eriol cleared his throat. "Yukito's fondness for Touya gave me confidence that the Cards had chosen well." His face clouded again. "And I hoped, and still hope, that because Yukito loves Touya that Yue could love Touya. And be happy." He pause and then continued, " I expected Touya's heart would heal and he would be ready in time to become the Master of the Cards. It might even have happened that way except for an unexpected situation."
***
Syaoran really has grown. Just moments ago it seems he was a quiet baby in my arms. He does credit to the family, strong and handsome as he is. Now that I feel the aura of Clow's creation so strongly in the East, I know it cannot be a coincidence that Syaoran was born the month I first felt it. Those Cards which were fashioned centuries ago by our long lost cousin call to us after having been abandoned for such a time. And Li Syaoran is now going to retrieve them.
"I am ready, mother." He is dressed in green, his sword sheathed at his hip. His sisters are beaming with pride at him.
"You are as prepared as we can make you, my son. But we do not know what obstacles Clow Reed might have placed in your path. He was known for his tricks and riddles."
Syaoran stares at me with determination, "I will overcome the obstacles he puts in my way. If anyone else tries to take the Cards, I will fight him."
The time and place are right, here in the Li clan's estate in Syaoran's eleventh year. Soon the most prized creations of the most powerful wizard will again be safe in the possession of Clow's family.
"Go now, Syaoran, to Japan. And listen to Wei. Hey may be your servant, but he is old and wise."
"Yes mother." Syaoran turned to leave but my voice stops him "You should also say good-bye to your cousin."
His hangs his head, "Mother, shouldn't I leave as quickly as possible? The Cards are waiting."
I resist the temptation to smile. This is not the time for him to question my judgment. "Mei-ling is an excellent fighter and has been your friend for years. Besides, she is your fiancee."
His face turns red. "Yes mother," he says. Then he bows and walks out the door. His sisters all let out their suppressed giggles before I reprove them with a stern look.
"Good luck, my son," I whisper.
***
For the first time since our creation, my love and I are having an argument. The Cards are in an uproar far greater than any we've ever had. We all feel it -- the interloper coming to steal us away. It may be a matter of weeks or even days before he finds us. We are divided. Some have called for us to simply disappear for a while and return later to choose a new Master. Others are clamoring for us to call Touya even though his heart is not ready. I have championed a third option.
"It is too dangerous!" she says to me, her dark features clouded. "We must leave now before the wrong person claims us. Clow gave us the choice of Masters. We should not have it taken away."
"The Dark is right," calls a high voice. "There will be time enough to choose a new Master. We can come back whenever we want." I look up and see the voice's owner: The Return.
The Mirror is in tears, "We can't leave now. We've waited so long. We have a perfect Master right here. Let us call him."
"We all know the truth," comes the eerie emanation of Libra. "We all remember how his trust was broken when his mother died, and how his heart closed even more when yet another woman he loved left him. Touya's heart has not yet fully opened even to Yue's false form. He is certainly not ready to take all of us in."
"He's right!" calls Fiery, pacing nervously along the limiteless path provided thoughtfully by Loop. "It cannot be Touya."
I look at Dark a long while before turning to face the others. "We lack the time to wait for Touya, and it is ill-advised to disappear again. We have already waited so long. But there is another choice. We have all felt it -- the strong magical presence of the other Kinomoto."
"It's true!" cries the Sweet, her hands clasped and her eyes wide in adoration. "She is so wonderfully gentle and kind."
"She's got something there, I have to agree," says Power, her arms folded.
"Are you crazy?" shouts Fight. "She's eleven! She won't have the power to keep us alive."
I try to keep my voice as level as possible, "If we leave now, we may never be able to come back!"
They are suddenly quiet. "Everyone. Clow gave us enough power to survive a long time. But is has been several centuries. We haven't much longer we can go without a new Master."
Silence. I turn to look at Dark. We are both crying. I take her hands and squeeze them softly. "My love, you trusted me when Touya's heart was broken again. Let's not quarrel. You have felt Sakura's presence grow. Her heart is so open and her potential is so great. I'm sure we can make her work as our Mistress, I just know it! We can't give up now, not while there is hope."
Everyone is quiet, waiting for Dark to answer. "It will be difficult," she says at last. "Do you believe Sakura will be able to capture us all and reswear us to her?"
"I have confidence in her. I know it will all be all right," I reply.
"I cannot fight with you, my love," she says with a sigh. "You are always my ray of hope."
My spirit jumps and I smile at her. "I hate it when we don't agree. More so for it's rarity."
To the others I say, "Everyone, there is only one thing left to do now. Shall we call Sakura to us?"
The desperation that had lived in my voice is visible among them. Those with faces are nodding. The others show their acquiescence in their own ways. Slowly we begin to melt our forms, one by one, and swirl about each other, losing our identity, becoming one. First us, Light and Dark, and then the others join together. We are a prismatic spiral, our silent call bursting from our little cage, out of the basement of the Kinomoto residence, finally coming across the soul of a young girl, beckoning her to come down the stairs and release us.
***
Now
"The Judge is not going to accept the new Mistress of the cards. You're going to have to help. I have something for you," Eriol had said, his eyes shining with dark intensity.
That was a month ago. Since our talk at his house, Eriol and I have met several times. He has told me about England and China hundreds of years ago. I've told him about my powers and how I came to discover them. We've spent whole days together. I don't even see his face anymore, his real one...just the one he used to wear, centuries ago. I'm not sure if it's because I want to see him as he was, or that it is he is actively projecting this aura over his true self.
But I think he must be doing it my benefit. He wants me to see him as an equal. No, as his junior. His smile remains the same and his half- Oriental/half-Western features. Truly Clow found quite a match to be reincarnated into. But the smile which is coy and self-satisfied when I see him as Eriol becomes so gentle and knowing on an older face. I know I am falling in love with him, this young/old man. I think that is what it must be. He has so much to teach and he is never reproachful, always open. And he has a way of answering questions with a minimum of information. At first I found it frustrating, but now I realize he merely tries to get the best from you, making you think of the answer yourself. When I puzzle these things out for myself, he seems so genuinely pleased.
Of course I catch him, sometimes. He may be a several centuries old mage, forever arrested at the height of his health and beauty, but he's also a child and it shows. He's an imp sometimes, teasing, playing subtle jokes. Being Eriol has made Clow young again. I think it's this combination of profound wisdom and childish mischievousness which is so compelling. I have not expressed my affection yet. It is awkward. People mistake him for my son. It's just an odd situation. for my mission
He's sitting across from me, smiling, eyes almost closed. The traffic whizzes by just a few feet from our table but he seems unconcerned as always. I think he must be concerned, however, about my mission back to Japan, this being the last meeting before I fly away. The waitress has just set the tea on our table and I stare at it contemplatively.
He's looking at me from across the table. "Are you all right, Kaho?" We still speak in Japanese; another subtle private joke, I think.
I smile, "I was just thinking about how things might have been. Touya would have made a fine Master of the Cards."
Eriol shook his head, "Touya's fate is his own. And his part to play is not an unhappy one. Neither is yours."
I nod and sip my tea. "I suppose you have it there in the bag"
Eriol reaches into his bag dramatically. I was assuming it would be the item he'd discussed -- the magic bell I was to ring at the appointed time so that the unripe Card Captor Sakura could win favor with Yue the Guardian during her final trial. Instead it is a violet rose, the same color as his eyes. He extends his hand, offering the flower to me.
"For you, Kaho. Lest you worry my feelings for you have been only professional.
I take the rose and look down at it. I can feel my cheeks flush. When I look up, he is still a boy, but his look is tender and mature.
"I've known you were special since before I met you. And I knew you would see me for who I am, not the body I am wearing. That is your magic.
"Kaho," he continues, "We won't see each other for a while. Let's enjoy this time."
We share smiles, and as if nature is echoing our fleeting happiness, the sun breaks through the clouds, lighting up a gloomy English afternoon.
***
1-23-02
By Gideon Marcus
Edited by Janice Marcus