Author's Note: Hello everyone! Okay, I fail. Massively. I know I need to work on my Matt/Mello fanfics, but I'm taking a break for a bit and bringing to you all my first Axis Powers Hetalia fanfiction!!

Okay, a little background on this: I've been working on a Hetalia RP with Catherine Wheels (she's got Hetalia fanfiction too, so go read that, if you like this,) involving Russia and China. Oddly enough, as much fun as yaoi is, we decided to make China a girl in this, mainly because China looks and sounds like a woman. Poor guy…really though, fem!China is great fun. I normally hate female versions of male characters, but China's so adorable as a girl! :3

Anyways, this is sort of based on that RP, kind of like a summary. It's all from China's point of view, as she talks about Russia. In the RP storyline, China is secretly female and has been hiding her gender for 4000 years. Russia finds out and threatens to tell everyone if she doesn't stay with him. However, China really does love Russia, despite how awful he is to her sometimes because she remembers him when he was a child. Russia doesn't remember when he was little though, and doesn't remember that China took care of him.

Okay, so, sorry for the uber-long author's note! I think that's enough information though for anyone who hasn't read the RP to understand it.

Anyways, enjoy my first ever Hetalia fanfiction! ^_^

Also, I don't have China saying "aru" after everything in this. Normally, I have her say it (because it's so adorable, aru!), but for this, since it's really just her thoughts on the situation, it made sense to leave out the speech pattern bit.

..........oOo.

It's quite strange, my relationship with Russia. It's always been strange, and it only seems to get worse as years go by. Even so, I keep coming back to him, no matter what he does.

I still remember Ivan visiting me when he was a child. I was quite a bit older than him, physically and mentally, so I was more like an older sibling or a parent to him than anything else. He came to visit me so often, and I always had a sunflower for him. Always. And it always made him smile.

Eventually, he just stopped coming to see me, and I've never understood why. I went many years without seeing him, and when I did finally see him again, he'd changed. He'd grown up. I suppose it was to be expected.

We didn't really talk, even after I saw him grown up. It wasn't until our nations became allies during the war that I really talked to him. We began flying home from summit meetings together, and it didn't take long for us to become friends again.

Everything was wonderful for a long time, all through the end of the war and the start of the United Nations. We continued to go home together, even then, and we always had something to talk about.

It was all so perfect.

Good things don't last forever though.

One night, after the meeting, I went home with Russia, but instead of continuing back to my own country, he convinced me to go back to his nation with him for the night. Against my better judgment, I agreed.

That night, Russia discovered a secret that I'd kept hidden for 4000 years.

I had spent my entire life hiding my gender, because the mere fact that I was female would have prevented me from achieving what I wanted as a nation. In order to be respected when I was young, my only choice was to present myself as a man. After all this time, I'd never
intended to show what I really was to anyone.

Russia found out though. He discovered the tight bindings under my shirt and didn't believe me when I said I had been injured. I was too flustered and afraid of what was happening and what it would mean for me if he found out to fight back.

I lost my innocence that night. He stole it from me.

To make matters worse, he wouldn't allow me to return to my nation. He threatened to reveal my secret to the other nations if I tried to leave. I became his captive, though he called me his "guest," and refused to see it any other way.

Through the last few months since I've lived with him, he has continuously hurt me, both physically and mentally, numerous times. It weakens me to be away from home for such long periods of time, so I don't even have the option to protect myself. Things are always far less painful if I don't fight anyways, and honestly, I don't think it's worth it to fight anymore. Some days, I would almost rather die than have to deal with him anymore. I can't kill myself though, no matter how bad things get. I just keep telling myself that things will get better eventually, but it's a lie. He hurts me more as the weeks and months go by, not less.

Through all of this, I can't hate Russia. Despite how much he's hurt me, and how much he's taken from me, I can't hate him. He really can be kind and sweet sometimes, and he's shown me in many ways that he really does love me. He's offered a few times to let me leave, but I can't stand the thought of him, all alone in that house, no one to keep him company.

Besides, he has to hurt someone. Without the Baltic nations around, if I leave, he won't have anyone to hurt. He'll find someone else. At least if I stay, I can prevent him from hurting anyone else.

I know it would be in the best interest of myself and my country if I were to leave him. I've had opportunities, but as I said before, I can't take them. I can't bring myself to leave him alone. There are nights when we lay together, and I hold him close, and he's so much like he was when he was young, and he'd stay at my house. At those times, he seems so innocent that I can't imagine ever leaving him.

I've learned to accept when he hurts me, and appreciate when he's kind to me. To me, he's still that little boy who loved sunflowers and visited, always calling me his brother. He'll always be that boy to me. Because of that, I can never hate him, no matter what he does to me.

..........oOo.

A/N: Please review! ^_^