Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 10 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: Spoiler warning. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

CHAPTER TEN

EPILOGUE

After he returned to Soul Society, Renji immediately reported to Captain Hisagi. He started to give him a detailed account of his findings, including the appearance of the arrancar, but Hisagi stopped him.

"You came back after only seeing one arrancar, so I can guess what you're going to tell me," Hisagi said cheerfully. "There's no major threat in the area, right?"

Renji nodded affirmatively. "Yeah, that's my opinion."

"Great," Hisagi grinned. "I'll read your report when you get done with it, but there's no hurry. Unless something unexpected comes up, I won't be sending you out again for a few days."

Outside of Hisagi's office, Captain Kira was waiting. Renji felt his stomach twist in anxiousness as they greeted each other.

They exchanged pleasantries for a few seconds before Kira asked what had happened.

"I'll be givin' a report to Captain Hisagi about what I found out what I was there. I can let you know when it's done," Renji replied nonchalantly. "Nothin' interesting, though."

"Ah, yes, but I suppose what I'm more interested in is that other thing we had discussed," Kira said, keeping his voice low. He studied Renji carefully. "Did you find anything?"

Renji took a deep breath, and he felt his heart begin to pound frantically. He looked Kira straight in the eyes. "There was no trace of Ichigo Kurosaki," he told him. He was surprised at how easily the lie rolled off his tongue.

Kira continued to study him, calming taking in his apperance, and Renji prayed that the bandana tied around his forehead would hide any telltale drops of sweat. The captain had an intense, penetrating gaze, and even if Renji had been truthful with him, that stare would have made him extremely nervous.

Finally, Kira's expression softened, and he nodded. "Thank you for your efforts, Lieutenant," he said quietly. "I won't question you on this matter any further." He smiled sadly at him, then turned and walked away.

Renji felt the breath catch in his throat as he watched Kira's back. Had Kira really believed his lie? He felt as though he had seen right through him.

For a few brief moments, he wondered just how much Kira had silently inferred over the years. The thought of anyone else knowing about his secrets, and what he and Ichigo had shared, made his stomach twist into painful knots…

But finally, he discarded the idea. It was unlikely that Kira had anything more than a sneaking suspicion. Even if he had figured out any of Renji's secrets, he had kept silent for fifteen years, and there was nothing Renji could do to convince Kira that he was wrong without Renji drawing more suspicion upon himself. Besides, there were more pressing things surfacing in Renji's mind.

Though Renji probably should have just returned to his own quarters, there was another place he wanted to be.

He slowly walked to the abandoned barrack that Section X had once used, located on the outskirts of Soul Society. After passing through a thick grove of trees, he reached a clearing, and he knew he had arrived. The outline of a building came into sight.

Outside of this small, deteriorating building, he and his section had trained in private until their hands were raw and blistered, and they barely had the strength to lift their blades. The barrack was small, old, and out of the way, so it was no longer used. There had been a brief time when the Protection Squad had used it years before, but newer quarters were built, and the barracks were left, forgotten.

Renji wandered inside of the building, and headed straight to the separate room, far removed from the other beds, where he and Ichigo first collided all those years ago. When he had stayed there, the taste of Rukia's death was still fresh and painful, and the fear of Aizen's plot still touched the land.

He sat on his old bed, and buried his face in his hands. Despite all the old, painful memories swimming on the edge of his consciousness, it was a recent memory that was demanding his attention, and it burned the most painfully of all.

As Renji and Ichigo stood together in Ichigo's apartment, the silence between them stretched on until Renji felt he could no longer stand it. Yet after all was said and done, he had no idea what else to say. Ichigo broke the tension by leaving to take a shower. Renji quietly collected his thoughts, and realized that he had all of the answers he had wanted from Ichigo… even to questions he didn't know he had.

He realized that his mission—both his primary and secondary mission—had been completed, and there was nothing left to do but leave. Renji knew it was the only conclusion he could come to, but his chest felt heavy as he considered it.

When Ichigo emerged from the shower, he studied Renji's face for a moment, and lowered his head. "You've gotta go back to Soul Society now, huh," he muttered.

"Yeah," Renji said solemnly. The doleful mood in the room was stifling. Renji slowly stood up and started to walk toward the door.

"Hey, Renji," Ichigo called out quietly.

"Hm?"

"Are you going to tell everyone about me being here?" Ichigo asked solemnly. "Or did you find the reason you said you needed?"

"There's no need t' worry," Renji said gravely. His eyes locked on Ichigo's. "Your secret's safe. I think we both have a couple a' secrets about each other that we'll carry t' the grave."

Once again, Renji turned around and started to walk toward the door. Just as he stretched his hand out toward the doorknob, Ichigo spoke again, and Renji realized he was standing directly behind him.

"Listen, if you ever happen to come back to this place…" he hesitated, his voice low. "I may… I may not mind seeing you again."

"I don't know if I'll ever see you again or not," he replied unsteadily. Renji pulled a trembling hand away from the doorknob and turned around to meet Ichigo's uncertain gaze.

Then they shared a final, parting kiss, and all Renji could feel in Ichigo's warm mouth was hopelessness and desperation. He found himself getting lost in it for a moment, but like everything else he had once enjoyed, it had to end.

They pulled apart, nodded good-bye, and Renji quickly exited without another word.

As soon as he had gotten a few feet out of Ichigo's apartment, he felt a panicky tightness in his chest, like the wind had just been knocked out of him. Despite being outside in the fresh air, it felt like he was being crushed, and he could not breathe.

With great difficulty, he forced himself forward, and with each step back toward Soul Society's routine, toward a normal so-called life, he pushed any anxious feelings away, and buried them deep inside of himself, knowing that he had to hide away everything when he was back amongst his peers.

Alone in the former Section X barracks, Renji sat on his old bed, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably despite the comfortable temperature of the room. Already, he could feel the recent memory of their parting slipping into the overwhelming sea of painful memories he carried with him.

In truth, the memories weren't just hard for him; they haunted him. They flooded his mind uncontrollably, and all he could do was tremble in solitude as he felt himself becoming overtaken.

Tch, come to think of it, even the memories I used to call happy are hard t' think about now, he thought to himself. He recalled them one by one, feeling as though he was slowly drowning in the bittersweet sadness.

He remembered his difficult childhood in the Rukongai, watching his closest companions die until none but Rukia were left. They stood together next to the graves of their friends when Rukia solemnly announced that they should join Soul Society. He would have gone anywhere with her at that moment, for she was the only thing in his life that had not yet faded from his view forever, and the person he most deeply cared for.

Yet then Byakuya Kuchiki took her away, and though she was temporarily out of reach, he resolved to follow her. He remembered the pride in his achievements, as he found himself slowly moving up the ranks of the Gotei 13 until he took a position as a lieutenant.

In sharp contrast to those feelings of achievement, he remembered the crushing defeat he suffered by Byakuya's hand, the man who he had set as his goal in order to restore his former relationship with Rukia. Yet still, in his defeat, his desire to become stronger burned… Those old feelings had long since smouldered now.

Even with the pending threat of Aizen's plans did not steal away all of his happiness. He thought of the happy times with Rukia, when he would come to the real world and interrupt the school she was attending with Ichigo and the others. In those days, he used to fight with Ichigo constantly.

But once Inoue Orihime was stolen away by the arrancar, his memories all turned bitter. Whether physical pain or mental anguish, everything made him feel the same sense of defeat.

He recalled the bloodstained battlefield, as he searched for Aizen, with Ichigo by his side, his steely eyes only focused forward and his mind focused purely on retribution.

And then, he remembered two such occasions that beared several similarties, such as being surrounded by the wounded, and more particularly, Ichigo pulling his own wounded, useless body from battle. Ichigo saved his life twice, Renji thought with despair, and he wondered if it would have been better if both of them had ended their miserable lives at that time.

And now the final memory flitted across his mind, and he felt his chest tighten painfully at the rememberance. It was as though he could still feel Ichigo's warm, trembling body pressed desperately against him. He could hear their hot, panting breaths echoing in unison.

The short feeling of elation, and the drowning of sorrow and loneliness… The only moment that Renji could remember that had not been tinged with melancholy.

And now, he was sitting by himself, alone, with no one to share that despair with. Yet even if Ichigo was around, he wondered if their sadness would still keep drowning them. It was unlikely that he would ever see Ichigo again, but now he knew he was still out there somewhere. The thought of one person sharing in the tragedy of a continuing existence was only a miniscule comfort to Renji as he continued to tremble in the darkness, in the old, dusty room, feeling alone and hopeless.

"Tch, I guess I can't complain too much," he murmured to himself, his voice trembling. Renji raised his hands to his lips unconsciously as he thought about his parting kiss with Ichigo. "At least this time, I got t' say good-bye."