Legolas, the Bane of my Existence

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Tolkien, absolutely nothing to me. I only own myself and my crazed imagination. But I do love to play with his characters.

Rated: K+

Un-betaed

Warnings: very AU, very OOC, mention of torture, a few bad words from Aragorn, rosethorn's version of angsty humor/parody/crackfic, full of good ol' American slang and phrases. You get the idea.

Summary: Aragorn is still in a very grumpy mood, with a badly injured Legolas in tow.

This is a continuation/ sequel to "Aragorn the Awful, My Hero." That short tale sets up the mood and this story.

I dedicate this to Sivan who was desperate to read something...lol

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"Aragorn, I think they're following us," Legolas whimpered to Aragorn as he fearfully looked behind him, limping along a little faster behind Aragorn. The Elf was in lots of pain having recently vacated a dungeon in a castle full of orcs who had mercilessly and ruthlessly tortured him.

"What are you whining about this time, Legolas? I wish you would just shut up for awhile and stop that annoying moaning. It's grating on my nerves."

"I think perhaps we should move along a little faster?" Legolas almost pleaded with Aragorn.

"Why? I like the pace I'm going, you stupid Elf. What is wrong with you?"

"Look behind us!" Legolas groaned louder and more urgently.

Aragorn finally took a moment to look behind and raised his eyebrows in mild surprise. "Orcs..hmm. I guess we better do something about them," he sighed, " but I really don't feel like dealing with the evil spawn of Mordor right now." The Ranger ran behind some bushes and climbed a tree."Here, Legolas, I saved your bow for you," he stated casually as he threw the bow and quiver full of arrows to his friend down below. It just hit Legolas on the head and fell to the ground.

"What do you expect me to do with that?" Legolas asked looking at him incredulously.

"Well, kill as many as you can, of course....stupid Elf!!!"

"Aragorn," Legolas groaned again. "I'm very badly injured. I don't think I can even pick it up, much less defend us with it. Are you planning on helping me?" the Elf asked hopefully.

"Here," Aragorn continued, ignoring him, "you can borrow my sword, too, because I lost your knife. Good luck and have at it," Aragorn said to Legolas as he dropped his sword down to him. It also hit him on his pate and landed on the ground in front of him. Legolas grimaced as it bounced off his head.

"Ow!"

"Legolas, I'm staying right here," Aragorn finally answered him. "I don't want to get hurt. As I figure it, you're already hurt, so a little more hurt won't hurt you. It's not like you could climb a tree, anyway. You're too messed up. You can do this, there's only about 40 of them. They don't stand a chance."

"I'll try," Legolas," quietly groaned. So he dropped the packs he had been carrying, and carefully bent over to pick the bow up.

CRACK!! SCREAM!!

"Legolas, shh, what's wrong with you, they will have heard that!"

"Aragorn," Legolas painfully moaned at him,"I think that was a cracked rib that isn't just CRACKED anymore."

"Never mind that!" Aragorn yelled impatiently, "start shooting; here they come!"

Legolas looked up suddenly, fell over backwards, and just lay there, screaming in pain.

"Fine! I always have to do everything myself!" he grumbled unhappily as he shimmied down the tree. He grabbed his sword off the ground and hurled it, as if it was a spear, at the first orc he saw flying around some bushes towards them. It missed the orc completely and embedded itself into a tree. Aragorn looked with disbelief at his sword, then at the orc, then at all the orcs behind that orc. He froze, terrified. "There's MORE than 40...run!!" he yelled at the top of his lungs as he grabbed the packs off the ground.

"What?" Legolas asked as he was laying on the ground in agony. "How?" he asked as he looked down at his broken body.

"You pick up one foot after the other and move forward as fast as you can!!" Aragorn answered him sarcastically. "Here," he said as he helped Legolas up with one hand. Now move!" the Ranger shouted as he loped off through some trees in the opposite direction. Legolas stood there for a moment, staring at the disappearing Ranger. He looked behind him at all of the orcs closing the gap between them, terror in his eyes, and started hobbling as fast as he could in the direction the long-gone Human had taken. He was panting after taking a few steps. "Aragorn! I need some help!" he desperately yelled.

"That's what your weapon's for!!" Aragorn called back from a distance.

Legolas was panicking and scared to death. He fell over again, grabbed his bow, very painfully notched an arrow, sat up, and attempted to shoot the arrow sitting on the ground. It wobbled back and forth as he let it go and went way wide from it's intended victim. "HELP!! ARAGORN, PLEASE COME BACK!!!!! THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!!"

"Well, that would be one less Elf I'd have to deal with," the Ranger mumbled to himself with a half-grin. He sighed, stopped in his tracks, turned on his heels, and raced back the way he had come. When he got back to Legolas' side, he grabbed a few rocks off the ground and started chucking them at the oncoming orcs, knocking a few off their feet.

" Aragorn. That's really good. Where did you learn how to do that?" Legolas mumbled.

"The Hobbits gave me a few lessons. I never really knew that would come in handy." Then he grabbed Legolas by the arm hauled him up and tried to make him hobble faster. That didn't work very well, so he tried dragging him to see if they could go faster that way. They couldn't. So while Legolas was being dragged, Aragorn looked daggers at him and growled, "you're going to make me carry you, aren't you, you lazy, whiny little Elf."

Legolas just looked up at him with pain in his eyes...."what?" he moaned at Aragorn. At this point Aragorn was just about ready to drop him right there and let the orcs have him so they could drag him back to the castle and continue with their torture. He just sighed and smiled at the happy thought.

"Fine," Aragorn answered. "I'm always having to save your lazy bum. And here we go again." He grabbed Legolas' bow from him, grabbed him under the arms, threw him straight up, grabbed his legs as he came down and flung him over his shoulder. Legolas started screaming and yelling again. "Shut up, Legolas! I can't think with all that racket! I'm going to be in just as much pain as you, having to run and carry you at the same time!!!"

Aragorn ran and ran for quite a while and finally realized no one was chasing him anymore. He heard nothing. He stopped suddenly and looked behind him. "Huh, how about that? I wonder when we lost them?" Aragorn asked Legolas, panting.

"A while ago," Legolas wheezed in reply.

"You knew? Then why didn't you say something so I could stop running?" Aragorn asked him in puzzlement.

"I couldn't... breathe..." Legolas wheezed again. Aragorn just dropped him on the ground, giving him a nasty look. Then he tossed the bow and quiver down as Legolas moaned again in excrutiating pain.

"Ok. Now I can't breathe. So you can walk from here," Aragorn replied, leering at him. . "Let's go," Aragorn said as he slowly sauntered off into the forest, off the beaten path, 'accidentally' kicking Legolas in the shin on his way. "Oops, sorry. Are you coming?" he asked over his shoulder. The Elf just gasped and glared at him.

"Where are we going?" Legolas cried out, cringing, as he rose off the ground using his bow for leverage; and then as his cane to help shuffle himself along. Aragorn finally slowed down and let him catch up.

"I don't know. Got any ideas?"

"You don't know where we're going?"

"No. Forward. That's my plan."

Legolas tipped his head to the side looking at him incredulously. "You have no idea where we are, do you?"

"No, not really."

Legolas looked up suddenly. "I smell water."

"We're in the forest, Legolas, not the desert," Aragorn asserted.

"Now I SEE it. There's a lake up ahead."

"Are you seeing a mirage?"

"Very funny, Estel. I could use some water."

"That's for sure. You look like crap. I guess we'll head for the lake. I'm assuming we won't have any orcish guests there to keep us company? At least I'm hoping for that."

As they neared the lake, Aragorn started hopping around on one foot. "Ow!" he cried, grabbing it.

"What's wrong, Aragorn?" Legolas asked him, concern in his voice.

"I've got a frickin' rock in my boot!! Dangit!! It hurts!!"

"I'm sorry, are you ok? I wish that was my only problem."

"Your only complaint, you mean."

"Aragorn, I really need to sit down. Before I fall down. Again. In pain. Then you'll have to drag me. Again. Over to the lake."

"I probably will have to, anyway. It's my lot in life to have to drag your bum all over Arda. I'll probably have to drag you all the way to Valinor eventually as well." Aragorn finally looked at Legolas and noticed the forlorn look on his face. "Ok," he said to him, "there's a nice big shady tree over there we can sit under and jump up into if trouble comes along. Nah. I'd help you up and you'd just slide down again. It was a thought. Anyway, we can sit there."

"So," Aragorn started as they plopped down on the grass under the large canopy of the tree overhead, "what happened? What did they do to you? You were screaming when I got there."

"You're asking me NOW??" Legolas asked him in surprise.

"Yes," Aragorn answered him nonchalantly, removing his boot to get rid of the tiny pebble.

"Ok. Where do you want me to start?"

"At the end. Will this take long?"

"Probably."

"Go ahead," Aragorn sighed.

"Well, it's all kind of a blur. It all runs together. Just pain and more pain. Nonstop. Three weeks of that..." Legolas hesitated for a moment, looking off into the distance, lost in his thoughts.

"So, is that it. Are you finished?" Aragorn hopefully asked.

Legolas gave him a puzzled look. "No, I haven't even started yet."

"Oh, crap." Aragorn mumbled. "Ok, go ahead."

"Well, they captured me, dragged me there and tortured me...forever it seemed," Legolas answered him.

"Yeah, I got that part already. What else?"

"Well, I'll just tell you the basics. They chained me up and whipped and beat me and cut me up with a knife, some blades, a sword, an axe, and then some other sharp implements I'd never seen before. Then they stabbed me in the stomach, the back, all of my limbs, and shot arrows into both of my shoulders just to add to the fun...then some more, on and on. Then they unchained me from the wall, tied me up and beat and kicked the crap out of me. Then they burned me and branded me several times on my stomach, back, arms, legs and neck. I have some terrible infections and a raging fever I can't seem to get rid of. I've had it for a week and I think I am dying. They chained me back up again and broke all of my ribs for fun. Except for that one cracked one that has now joined all the others. They then broke one of my arms in 3 places, broke my wrist on the other arm, broke a few bones on one of my legs, and broke my ankle on the other. Then they cut off one of my ears...but that's ok, because Elven ears grow back. They kept kicking me until I was bloody and bruised and welted all over; and my skin is all ripped up on every single inch of my body. I think I'm bleeding internally, too. Then they chained me up by both hands by the rafters, lifted me, dropped me and dislocated my shoulders many times. They kept popping them back in and dislocating them again. Then they hung me by one hand and then the other, doing the same thing. Then they hung me by both my feet, by one foot and then the other. Then they burned the bottom of one of my feet to make it difficult to walk. And amazingly, it does. Well, I think a couple of my other injuries may be contributing to that as well. I think I have a punctured lung, too. Well, maybe not. Then they hung me by one foot and one hand at the same time. They were a little creative, but I've seen better and experienced worse."

"So, how many times has this kind of thing happened to...worse? Did you say worse?"

"Yeah, this was pretty mild compared to some other evil sadistic creatures I've had the pleasure to meet and be tortured by."

"Well, lucky you. I feel happy for you, then," Aragorn answered him sarcastically. "It really could have been worse, I suppose. They could have cut your long, beautiful, gorgeous hair off. In your words, not mine. Hey," he continued, "your hair is dark red, that's a great color for you. I think you should dye it that color. It's pretty and very becoming on you."

Legolas just glared at him. "Somebody mentioned giving me a mohawk. I don't know what that is, but I'm very glad they didn't do it to me. I have the feeling it would be very bad. Well, there's nothing GOOD they do in that place, so it would have to be bad. Someone or something would have died in there if they would have touched my braids!!"

"Oh, you asked how many times?" Legolas continued. " Well, I kind of lost count somewhere between 400 to 500. I guess they just like me...or not."

"I've been kidnapped for ransom, for revenge, held as a hostage for leverage, for slavery, for some lady's mate, for some guy's personal...never mind. And each time I've been tortured. A lot."

"Yes, never mind, Legolas. Let's not get into all that. This last one is enough for me to hear about, and I've just about had enough of this. Is that all then, Legolas? Are you done?"

"Well, yes and no. I can't remember everything, I was in agony and mental anguish for three weeks, you know, wondering when you were going to come and get me out of there. I had this silly notion that when you first got to the castle you might be outside smoking and relaxing before you stormed the gates and came in to rescue me. Isn't that crazy?"

"Yes, of course, I would never do something like that and make my friend wait and suffer needlessly. What would make you think such a thing?" Aragorn said to him, trying to hide his guilty face from Legolas, but not doing a very good job.

"Uh, huh," Legolas replied glaring at him.

"So, Legolas, you aren't feeling very well, huh?" he stated, trying to quickly change the subject.

"Not at all, Aragorn."

"I guess that would explain all the screaming on this trip, huh?"

"Yes, it does, actually."

"Ok, we need to get you cleaned up, Legolas."

Legolas sighed and smiled contentedly. Finally Aragorn was going to help heal him. The great Ranger, Aragorn the healer. He knew he would live if Aragorn was taking care of him. His fellow wanderer, fighter, hunter and best friend. What would he do without him? He figured that Aragorn had just been grumpy because he'd had a bad day, and was concerned about his friend being with those maniacal orcs. Aragorn helped him off with his tunic.

"What is this? He asked as he held the shirt up by two fingers, not wanting to touch it. This is not a garment. I don't even think it's fabric," he said as he threw it away as far as he could.

"Hey, that was my nicest and only tunic. Go bring that back!!"

"I don't think so. It's garbage, now."

Suddenly, Aragorn picked Legolas up, swung him around; which earned him more groans and moans and a little screaming right in his ear; walked to the lake, and threw him in, leggings, boots and all. "There!" Aragorn yelled at Legolas, who was in so much pain after that, that he couldn't move or speak. "Sorry if the water's cold, Legolas, but you need a bath to clean yourself up, so take one. And you look really bad, so make it a long one." He walked over to his pack, took out a bar of lye soap, walked back to the lakeshore, and tossed it to the Elf, hitting him in the head again. "Here, this should help!"

"Thank you so much, Aragorn!" Legolas managed to squeak out. 'So much for the awesome Aragorn healing,' he thought.

"Don't mention it!" Aragorn yelled back.

Legolas did as good a job as he could considering the amount of excrutiating pain he was in.

"Come on back, Legolas, and I'll look at your injuries," Aragorn called to him.

Legolas limped as quickly as he could from the shore to the tree. He sat down, leaned up against it, and Aragorn looked him over. "Well, yes, you do look bad. Unfortunately I don't have any bandages, and you bled all over my pack anyway, which I told you not to do. So if we had had any bandages, we still wouldn't have any, would we."

"But," Aragorn said as he rummaged through his pack, "I do have this I can give you. Here, have a band-aid. You have a bad cut right there on your arm. That should help you some."

"Thanks Aragorn." Legolas sounded very down-hearted, as he took the band-aid and covered his wound.

"There. Good as new. Now you are all cleaned up. Drippy and wet, but clean. And bandaged. We should probably be leaving."

"Yes, we need to find a doctor for me. I could die, Aragorn."

"Yes, that's true. Ok, let's wander around until we find a doctor. I've no idea where we are, remember?" Aragorn looked at Legolas' face. He looked sad and disappointed.

"Ok, fine. I'll do what I can. I'm not completely heartless." Aragorn and Legolas grinned at each other, as Aragorn removed his own tunic, ripped it up, and wrapped his friends' wounds and breaks up as well as he could. He stopped the bleeding and suitured the wound he'd made to stop the internal bleeding. He gave him some healing and some painkilling herbs and they were on their way.

"Thank you so much, Aragorn. You saved my life."

"Well, I told you that it is my lot in life to drag you around and save you all the time. You can be such an annoyance sometimes, Legolas."

"Yes, as can you. And I wasn't thanking you for the treatment."

"Oh, Legolas, I'll always be your friend and look after you," Aragorn smiled, "after all you are my best friend.

"Really?" Legolas asked him, with raised brows. "Ok, but that's not what I meant, either. I was just thanking you for the band-aid."

THE END