So I've brought this one to a close and can finally go back to Diversus Vicis (shameless self plugging I'm afraid) and finally get on with it. Hooray for weekends and collegues who mock me. Also, season 1 reruns tonight, I get to watch the boys when they were all young and less broken. This is going to be weird.

Finally, thanks again to all readers and especially my reviewers!

Chapter Six.

It takes time, months even, before Dean begins to notice a change in himself, before he notices that he laughs more and grieves less. It is subtle, a moment of enjoyment here and a guilt free hour with Castiel there. The angel is not always nearby, he still has obligations to Heaven after all, but he is there when it matters, to catch Dean when he breaks and that is something that the hunter does often over the months.

He is actually remarkably alright with the fact that the angel cannot be there all the time, thinks that this is probably because he would feel stifled if Cas were to always be there looking at him with wide, mournful, blue eyes that beg Dean to open his heart and spill his soul. Sometimes it is just nice to have an evening alone, a morning to watch the sun rise and to think about his life, about Sam, about Bobby and all the things that have happened to him. Dean comes to realise that he has been through far more than any one man ever should.

He also realises that he is alright with that, too.

His relationship with Castiel shifts subtly over time as he heals. He knows that he cares for the angel, wants him, but it takes a while for him to accept that he is allowed this love, which is what it is after all. It takes him even longer to realise that he can have this thing with Cas without having to feel guilty about being given something that Sam had torn from him.

This is not to say that it is all clear sailing. Dean still has personal space issues, which he attributes more to his time in Hell than anything, he still has difficulty displaying his affection openly and healthily. Castiel helps him with that too, even though for a long while their relationship is little more that soft kisses and exploring hands. It is not that Dean does not want more, it is simply that it takes him a while to come to terms with the fact that he can have it, that Cas will give it to him freely and easily because he wants to and not because those are his orders.

It has not been easy, still is not easy, the nightmares lessen over time, just as Castiel has promised him that they would, and when Dean is up to it, they talk about Sam, Jo, Ellen and the others, they visit Bobby and eventually, nearly five months after Dean was released from the hospital, the two hunters crack under their shared grief and take a night together where they mourn for the brother and son that they have lost.

Castiel does not intrude upon that.

He is there the next morning, however, when both wake with monstrous headaches and bruised fists. He gives them coffee and watches as the tiny cracks in their souls fuse back together just a little.

It takes time, it is slow, sometimes agonisingly so, and Dean will argue with Castiel and push him away when everything gets too much. No matter what he says and no matter what he does, however, Cas is always back within hours. Sometimes the time away has been enough to let the hunter get a handle on his anger, guilt and self hate fuelled, sometimes it takes a little longer, but the important part is that Castiel is there and the angel forgives him, holds him if need be, and that he knows that he is loved for who, not what, he is.

When the pity party gets too much, because Dean has gotten good at those, Cas sometimes loses his temper, regrets it instantly and apologises, but those are the moments that help Dean to see just how selfish he is being in all of this. Those moments help him see that he is not the only one affected and that watching him carve himself into little pieces of sorrow and grief are gradually breaking down his friend, and he cannot use the word 'lover' in his mind just yet. Some days Dean feels that he could gladly let himself die, and then he remembers that by doing so he would cause his surrogate father and his angel a great deal of grief. If their sorrow were only a fraction of his devastation at losing Sam he knows that it would be too much for either of them to bear.

It encourages him to start living again.

He knows he is as close to fixed as he is going to get the night that he and Cas finally fulfill that promise made by the kiss they shared in his coma dream. It has been so long for Dean, and as far as he knows Castiel is still a virgin, and he is terrified that one touch of Cas's hands will cause him to fall to pieces before they can get to the really fun part. It does not happen the way that he fears it will, they take their time and he would be tempted to say that it is hours. Rough hands explore smooth skin, fingers run curiously over scars and eyes meet and lock and linger. Dean feels utterly bared by the experience, feels like Castiel has seen through every barrier and every lie and straight into that part of himself that the hunter has tried to keep locked away and hidden from view.

It hurts, but somehow it is right and while he knows that he will never stop missing his brother, never stop finding things that he knows Sam would appreciate, he also knows that he is not alone, he is not utterly unloved. He has the love of an angel, which is eternal, and the future will be hard and life will throw stones at him all the time, but he has Castiel to help him through it all.

That is all that he can really ask.

So I didn't end it on a happy high, but click the little button one last time?

Artemis