Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did…I'd be a cow.

Author's Note: (Cause, ya know, Arakawa draws herself as a cow? Get it?) *Ahem* Anyway, I had some trouble finding a long, entertaining FMA crackfic (not that I really tried anyway), thus I decided to create one. Mostly out of boredom.

I'm mainly following the new anime/manga, because that's the one I fell in love with (I happen to have been in Japan when Brotherhood came out, thus it holds many fond memories for me)…However, bear with me because this is all from the top of my head ^_^

Also, Al will be calling Ed "Niisan" instead of "Brother." Just because.

Enjoy~

Chapter 1: Taboo

"Al! Alphonse! Dammit, how could this have happened!...This…this shouldn't have happened…shit…!"

A painless lesson is one without any meaning.

"…they took it!"

Nothing can be gained without first sacrificing something of equal value.

That is the law of equivalent exchange.

…

It can also be argued to be the law of diet, as choices in food are also full of gains and sacrifices. For example, whenever I want to gain by saving money at Taco Bell, boy do I pay for it later on the toilet -

*Ahem* MOVING ON-

Four years later, we find our young heroes eating Subways at a kiosk in Liore (well, Al wasn't eating it so much as staring longingly at it. Ed was stuffing his face. The author vaguely wonders which one is the bigger waste of money.)

"And so, my children," said the deep voice on the radio and loudspeakers, resonating through town, "if you confess your sins and pray to the Intergalactic Sun God, you too can go to heaven, where mail comes twice a day, all ice cream is fat-free, and there are Nintendo Wii consoles as far as the eye can see."

Edward took another swig of beer and hiccupped heavily. The old store owner looked at him.

"Are you sure you're old enough to drink?"

"Shut up, ID. You saw my old man."

Al mentally sighed. He really wished Niisan wouldn't use alchemy to transmute fake IDs.

"Who's the old guy on the radio, anyway?"

"Why, that's Father Cornello!"

"Who?"

"He's our savior!" The old man's face lit up when he said this. "Father Cornello, Messenger of the Great Intergalactic Sun God and founder of Scientology!"

"He came to our town and showed us the Path!" said another bystander who was eating Subway. "He can perform miracles!"

"Are you even listening, kid?"

"Wha-?" Ed was not listening. He was busy mentally comparing his own life with Wolverine's. "Oh yeah. Miracles. Awesome." He stood up, swaying a bit. "Well, I'm stuffed. Let's beat it, Al." Al got up only to hit his head at the top of the kiosk, knocking over the radio which smashed on the ground.

"Hey!" the old man was furious. That radio was his only friend.

Al looked at the broken radio, then at the old man, then at Ed, then back at the radio. Then he made a run for it. Ed stood there drunkenly for a moment, then followed suit.

The Elric brothers eventually made their way to the church where they saw a girl. "Please grant my wish, Intergalactic Sun God," she prayed, kneeling before a statue of what Ed could only describe as "an octopus-cheese-canoe." When she noticed the brothers, she walked over to introduce herself.

The girl's name was Rose. "Edward, huh? I like that name!" she had said upon meeting them. "Are you interested in learning about the noble practice of Scientology? We have an E-meter in the back-"

"N-no thanks…" said Ed. "We're anagrams."

"Atheists, Niisan."

"Yeah that."

"Well that's no good!" Rose clapped her hands together. "By believing in the Intergalactic Sun God, you'll live with daily gratitude and hope! Isn't that wonderful?"

"No."

Rose's face fell. Ed sat down and looked up at her. "There's this story about this dude, right…who could fly…but his wings were on fire…" Rose looked more confused than ever.

Ed cleared his throat. "My point is," he said, "alchemists are all sciencey and crap. We don't believe in any gods or deities or space cephalopods and whatnot."

"That's very arrogant of you, Edward! What you are saying is blasphemy!"

Ed laid back in his seat and drunkenly read from his Hello Kitty notebook. "Thirty-five liters of water. Twenty-five kilograms of carbon. Four liters of ammonia. Two liters of diet coke. Half a cup of sugar. And a pair of jeans…and then like, you put it in the oven…"

"…Niisan?"

"Huh? What was I talking about?"

Rose looked down at Ed, her gentle eyes full of pity. "Maybe if you pray to the Intergalactic Sun God," she said, "He can help with your drinking problem."

"Yeah yeah whatever- anyway, I've changed my mind," said Ed. "I want to meet this 'Father Cornsyrup'-"

"Cornello, Niisan."

"Yeah."

"Wonderful!" Rose looked delighted. "Would you like to try our E-meter as well? There's a small fee of only-"

"No," said the two Elric brothers.

Rose took them to the town plaza, where Father Cornello was performing these "miracles." Right before their eyes, he turned a fork into a Hummer. The crowd went orgasmic.

"Miracles, huh?" said Ed. "You thinking what I'm thinking, Al?"

"Yes, Niisan," said Al. "He's not following the laws of alchemy."

"Bingo," said Ed. "He must be using the Internet!"

"The Internet?" said Rose.

"It's a thing of myths," said Ed, lighting up. "The Internet is a force said to not only amplify alchemic reactions, but to have the power to unite the people of the world, to hold an infinite well of information, and to greatly expand garage sales."

"But if used wrong, it can be devastating," said Al. "It is said that the Internet can suck the life out of people. It can even make them think they're in a dream world."

"Yeah," said Ed. "It also supposedly allows people to take copyrighted stories and defile them through a horrendous practice known as 'fanfiction.'" Ed shuddered. He sincerely hoped that last part was just a rumor.

"So you're saying Father Cornello is using this 'Internet'?" asked Rose.

"Maybe," said Ed, sobering up finally. "So when can we meet him?"

"You two are lucky," said one of the young priests leading the Elric brothers and Rose to see Father Cornello. "Normally, Father Cornello is far too busy to greet visitors. But considering two nice young boys are here to see him…"

Al suddenly felt thankful he had no body.

"Here we are," they arrived at a cavern, and the priests shut the door behind them, making an eerie echo. Al marveled at how he could feel a shudder run down his armored back.

Without warning, the priests attacked. In a short but totally badass battle sequence which the author is too lazy to write out, the brothers disarmed the priests and knocked them out. There may have been a chimera involved as well, I dunno.

"What the hell was that about?" said Ed.

"I apologize for my priests," said a voice from the back.

"Father Cornello!" said Rose.

Father Cornello creeped out of the shadows, holding a bad-guy cane and looking very sinister indeed.

"Rose, these two are heathens from East City. They wish to destroy our entire Scientology institution!"

"What?" said Rose.

"Well we didn't in the beginning," said Ed, "but now-"

"Shut up, Niisan."

"Rose, this is the Intergalactic Sun God's will. Pick up that gun and shoot them."

"I can't-"

"Do it!"

"But-"

"Don't listen to him, Rose!"

Rose didn't know what to do. She picked up the gun, but gaining the courage to shoot it was entirely something else.

"Rose, allow me to remind you! I am the only one who can bring your beloved to life!" said Father Cornello. A pained expression came onto Rose's face, and the gun in her hands shook. It misfired and hit Al's helmet. As if in slow motion, the helmet flew off, spinning in the air and landing several feet away, revealing an empty interior where there should have been flesh. Rose screamed and collapsed in horror.

Al was annoyed. "Go get it," he told her, pointing at his helmet. But she did not hear him; she was staring at the empty interior.

Father Cornello stood shocked as well. As he stared at Ed's metallic limbs and Al's headless, empty form, comprehension dawned on him.

"I see…" His face twisted itself into a smile. "You did it, didn't you?" Ed said nothing. "You've committed the taboo!"

A shadow flitted across Edward's face.

Three years ago, their mother had died of an illness. Their father had left years before, and the two boys were lost and lonely, searching for answers…all they had wanted was to see their mother's smiling face again.

Ed and Al remembered that night like it was yesterday. The anticipation, the preparation, the hope…All the ingredients to make a single human adult measured to perfection and set at the transmutation circle's center.

"Don't worry, Al," Ed reassured his brother as he kneeled beside him. "When we bring Batman to life, he'll have all the answers."

"YOU TRIED BRINGING A FICTIONAL CHARACTER TO LIFE!" Father Cornello's voice rang through the cavern. "DIDN'T YOU?"

Another shadow flitted across Edward's face.

He turned to Rose. "Do you understand now?" he said. "You can't bring fictional characters to life. This is the price we paid."

"Now give us the Internet, Cornello," said Al. "Before we have to hurt you."

"F**k you!" yelled Cornello. He transmuted his cane into a machine gun, and the three of them ran for it.

Cornello eventually found that Ed had sneaked into his office and was sitting on his desk. Ed was drunk again; "It helps with ideas," he had said to a doubtful Al earlier as he downed some whiskey.

"Get the hell out of my office," said Cornello.

"No."

Cornello aimed the machine gun at Ed.

"C'mon," said Ed. "Gimme the Interweb thing. Or at least tell me why you're telling everyone about the Octo-cheese God and the Wiis and stuff."

"Why? WHY? I'll tell you why before I kill you!" said Cornello, about to violate one of the Top Ten Dos and Don'ts For Villains.

"The money!"

"…huh?"

"I'm doing it for the money!" Cornello's voice went manic. "The more I bulls**t about this Scientology crap, the more money this church gets! And the more money we get, the more we can expand and become famous! Soon we'll get celebrity endorsements and become unstoppable!"

Cornello was now laughing like a crazy person. "AND THEN OPRAH WILL NO LONGER IGNORE MY LETTERS! I'LL FINALLY BE ON HER SHOW! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Ed began to laugh with him.

"What the hell is so funny?"

"Heheh it's just…" Ed wiped a tear from his eye. "I'm like, super good at Photo-transmuting," he said.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"It has to do with this."

Ed took out a large photo and showed it to him.

"WHHHAAAAAAT? WHAT DID YOU DO? DID ANYONE SEE THAT?"

"Oh, not a whole lot of people…just the whole town…"

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Cornello took his bad-guy-cane-turned-machine-gun and tried transmuting it into a tank. However, something seemed to be terribly wrong.

Ed watched with drunken fascination as Cornello's arm fused with the machine gun and got all gross and mutilated.

"ARRRRGH" said Cornello, as Ed realized something.

"Wait..." he said. "The Interweb is supposed to be perfect and crap. What the hell?" And out of Cornello's pocket, an iPhone fell out and shattered onto the floor.

The black-haired woman looked out the window of the tallest tower to observe the riot outside the church.

"WHERE'S FATHER CORNELLO?"

"COME OUT RIGHT NOW! WE SAW THE PICTURES ALL OVER TOWN, STOP HIDING AND SHOW YOURSELF!"

"DID YOU MOLEST THAT POOR BLONDE BOY?"

"My my," said the woman. "That Fullmetal sure caused a lot of trouble," she said, turning to the short, overweight bald man beside her. "What should we do? Dad's gonna be super pissed."

Suddenly, someone burst through the doors.

"THE INTERNET YOU GAVE ME WAS FAKE!" shouted Cornello, cradling his mutated arm.

"It's not our fault if you neglected to charge the thing," said STD, delicately adjusting her gloves. Fat-Ass was surveying Cornello nervously, finger on his lips.

"You used me! You told me that if I did what you said-" Cornello stopped mid-sentence as STD's long, razor-sharp finger penetrated his skull. He collapsed, and she turned to Fat-Ass.

"Eat him."

"Aw, do I have to?"

"We must get rid of the evidence. Otherwise it will stink up the place."

Fat-Ass sighed. His Weight Watchers coach was not going to like this.

The Elric brothers, pissed that they had followed yet another pointless lead, decided to slip away from town quietly.

But just then, Rose appeared aiming a gun at them.

"Goddammit, why does everybody wanna shoot us?" said Ed.

"This country seriously needs stricter gun laws," said Al.

"Give me the Internet!" demanded Rose.

"Sorry. It was fake," said Ed. "Or at least out of batteries."

"You're lying! You want it to yourself! You want to use it to bring Batman-"

"Shut up!" yelled Ed, the pain of the past echoing in his heart. "You can't bring fictional characters to life! We only want to bring our bodies back!"

Rose collapsed. "What am I supposed to do now? What do I cling to now? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT EDWARD CULLEN?"

Tears were splattering the dusty ground beneath her.

"Please! Tell me!"

"I can't answer that. Think about it on your own," said Ed. "Move on. Stand up and walk forward. You have two fine breasts. Use them."

And with that, the Elric brothers walked into the sunset.

Author's Note: Love it? Hate it? Please let me know!

Constructive criticism listened to!

Flamers yawned at!

Compliments loved!