Disclaimer - I own nothing in the Harry Potter universe, that all belongs to the amazing J.K. Rowling and company.

Summary - Remus/Hermione/Sirius smut with very little plot. Obviously AU and OOC. Not really compliant after book five. Threesome, don't like it, why read it? Review please!

Happy birthday Remus!!

Thank you a million times to remuslives, whose talent is incomparable, for BETA-ing this for me. Like I've said before, if you haven't read her stuff, close this and go read hers!

Warning - 18 and over readers only, please. Explicit sexual content. Some slash, nothing terribly graphic.

"We have to do something," Harry insisted, looking between two identical sets of eyes.

Fred and George Weasley sat across the table from Harry at Grimmauld Place, contemplating his request. "If we do this…"

"Which we probably will…"

"You need to remember…"

"They are going to be…"

"Pissed," Harry said quickly, interrupting his companions usual form of speech.

"Yes," George said, a devilish smile gracing his face.

Harry sighed. "I know, I know," he said, frustrated. "But I don't care, to be honest. The tension is killing me! You two don't live here and you've noticed. Try dealing with it every day."

George and Fred looked as though they were about to say something, but they heard heels clunking along the hardwood floor, getting closer to the kitchen. Hermione Granger came around the corner into view, her hair pulled back into a messy bun, her tightly cut blue button up and jeans looking a little disheveled.

"Those men!" Hermione fumed, more to herself than the other people in the room, angrily putting a pot of water on the stove for tea. "So help them, the next time they try to get the recipe for my nana's brownies out of me, I'm going to hex their balls off!"

Fred and George exchanged a confused look. "Hello to you, too, Love," George said, jarring Hermione out of her own head.

Hermione whipped around. "Oh! George, Fred, I didn't even see you two," she said, her mouth tilting into a fake smile.

"What's wrong?" Fred asked.

"Oh, nothing," she said heatedly.

"Doesn't seem like nothing," George said as she slammed down four cups onto the counter.

"Oh, fine!" she huffed. "Sirius and Remus have been up my arse for six months now!" Fred and George couldn't contain their snickers at the pun. "Wanting my nana's recipe for this, or needing help with that, or wanting to debate into the wee hours of the morning! I work, you know! I have better things to do than stand around on my day off and banter with those two insufferable men!"

Fred and George looked at each other before looking at Harry and nodding their heads ever so slightly. Harry sighed, relieved. To make matters worse, those said insufferable men walked into the room. Hermione seemed to feel their stares and rounded, a frizzy curl falling into her face. George looked between the three, suddenly feeling what Harry was talking about much more than normal.

"Why don't you let us make that tea, Hermione," George said.

"Yeah," Fred said, catching on, "allow us."

Hermione, being too frustrated to care, waved her arm at the counter and plopped down into the nearest seat, indicating for them to go right ahead. Remus and Sirius quietly took their seats, both of them knowing better than to say anything. However, being quiet was not Sirius' strong point.

"Hermione," he started, only to be cut off.

"Sirius Orion Black!" she shouted. "Just hush!"

Remus shot his friend a warning look, but Sirius brushed it off. "Now, you listen to me, little lady, I was just coming to apologize."

"'Little lady'?" Hermione seethed. "Excuse me, you big furry mutt, but I will not be accepting any kind of apology from you! You tried to use Legilimens on me!"

"Oh, yes, well," Remus said, taking over. "We're sorry about that, Hermione, really."

Hermione noticeably calmed down. "It's not your fault he can't control himself, Remus."

"I can control myself just fine, I'll have you know!" Sirius said, causing Remus to put his head in his hands, looking defeated.

Hermione was just about to open her mouth when George put a cup of tea in front of her, Remus, and Sirius. "Sorry if it's cold, I'm not very good at time management, better drink up quickly."

Harry watched in high anticipation as all they all drank the liquid quickly, Hermione out of anger, Sirius out of annoyance, and Remus out of shame. Harry did feel a little bad about what he was doing to Remus, because he was just usually the one who broke the endless fighting up, but it needed to happen.

"Hermione," Remus said suddenly, "do you have any idea how sexy you look in that outfit?"

All heads whipped towards Remus, who looked as though he had just been slapped. "No, I didn't," she said. "However, I do know how sexy you look in the white button up and khakis."

Fred and George quietly made their exit, unnoticed by all, except Harry, who shot them a quick smile.

"Yes, Remus, you do look quite dashing," Sirius chimed in, seemingly unfazed by any of it. "And Hermione," he practically growled, "you, my love, look simply edible."

Harry's eyes widened and he realized that they were not "talking about their issues", but were on the fast track to having clothes removed and things happening that he did not want to even think about. He saw the trio was only focusing on each other, so he tried to make a get away, but was not so lucky.

"Harry James Potter!" Hermione yelled desperately. "What did you put in our tea? By the way, those shoes are horrendous."

Sirius and Remus looked them over and nodded in agreement. "They don't match your outfit," Remus said.

"I would rather fuck Umbridge than wear those in public," Sirius added.

"Er, thanks," Harry muttered. "I didn't put anything in your tea."

"The tea wasn't very good, either," Hermione said.

"No, it was fairly awful," Sirius agreed.

"It was pretty bad, but not nearly as disgusting as the Wolfsbane potion," Remus added.

"Guys!" Harry said loudly. "Fred and George put something in your drink. It's similar to a babbling charm, but it's mixed with a truth serum. You three have been doing nothing but fighting, and I just wanted you three to work out your issues and get back to being nice to one another, like you were at the beginning."

"Awe, Harry, that's very sweet of you," Hermione said, looking at him adoringly.

"I find it a bit irritating," Remus said.

"I don't give a shit," Sirius added.

"Oh, naturally," Hermione snorted. "You don't give a shit about anything other than making sure my day is hell."

"That's not true!" Sirius replied, turning his attention to Hermione. "I just enjoy seeing you angry!"

"That doesn't make much sense," Remus pointed out.

"What I mean is that I enjoy seeing her get angry," Sirius said.

"Still not making any sense, Sirius," Hermione said.

No one really noticed as Harry practically ran from the room when he realized the attention was not on him anymore.

"Why do you like seeing me angry?" Hermione asked, sounding somewhat hurt.

"Because you are so gorgeous when you're angry," Sirius replied, shrugging a shoulder.

"You are very attractive when you're pissed at us," Remus agreed. "Your hair gets a little wild, your cheeks turn red, those beautiful lips purse."

"I mainly like that her chest heaves, it shows her pert breasts more," Sirius said.

"Uh… thanks?" Hermione looked from one to the other, shaking her head. "So you two just get me pissed to admire my looks?"

"No," Remus said first, "you always look beautiful, it's just fun to watch you get all worked up. We like to see the passionate side of you."

"Well, there are many other things you can do to see the passionate side of me rather than getting me mad," Hermione said, crossing her arms.

"Like what?" Sirius asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yes, I would like to know," Remus conceded. "I mean, we both purposely disagree with things we know you feel strongly about, just to see you get into the conversation more. Sirius has a knack of going a little too far, but I can't say I don't enjoy watching it. What else is there to do?"

"Sex," Hermione said, sighing, knowing she couldn't help the words leaving her mouth.

Sirius and Remus stared at her for a moment, their mouths hanging open. Naturally, Sirius was the first to speak up. "Sex?" he asked. "You would have sex with one of us?"

"Well, yes," she said, nonchalantly. "However, I have thought about having sex with both of you."

"Both?" Remus asked, his voice higher pitched then normal.

Hermione nodded. "At the same time."

"Bloody hell," Remus groaned, raking a hand over his face.

"I've thought about it, too," Sirius said after a moment, quickly glancing at Remus.

"Have you really?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, quite often," he replied. "Remus is the only male I'd be willing to share a bed with, and I've wanted to rip your clothes off and do terrible things to you since probably way before it was appropriate."

Remus, who had been fighting the potion somewhat, finally broke completely. "I think about it at least twice a day," he said, his head in his hands again. "Seeing the two of you fight is such a bloody turn on. Sirius, as much as you do it to see her angry, you get heated too, so it just adds to it, quite a lot actually. The wolf in me loves the fighting, really. But honestly, Sirius is by far the only man I'd have a threesome with."

"Well, I'm game!" Sirius said, clapping his hands.

Remus looked to Hermione, doing his best to keep his mouth shut until he heard her reply. "I'm still mad at you two, but I've wanted this for a long, long time."

Remus didn't have time to reply as he heard a wooden chair scrape against the floor, Sirius jumping out of his seat, Hermione following suit. Remus stared at the two, who were looking at each other, before standing also. After a few moments of no movement, Remus finally decided to take the first step. He walked to the head of the table, where Hermione was, and stood directly in front of her. He looked down at her, staring into her flushed face.

His hand came up and brushed away the curl that had fallen in her face. Hermione leaned into his touch, her mouth opening slightly as her breath hitched. "Kiss me," she said quietly. "I want you to kiss me so badly, Remus, please."

Remus hesitated the length of a breath before leaning down and placing his lips over hers. She pressed her lips more firmly against his, whimpering as his tongue caressed her bottom lip, asking for entrance. She obliged him as his hands cupped her cheeks, his tongue plunging into her mouth. She fought him back, and the battle for dominance began. Hermione moaned as she felt lips at the back of her neck, large hands grasping her hips, pushing her more into Remus as Sirius molded his front against her back.

"So sexy," Sirius growled into her ear before sucking the lobe of it between his lips.

Hermione whimpered against Remus' lips as he kissed her more passionately, his lips rough and his desire endless. Her arms went around his middle, her hands running up and down the contours of his clothed back. All three of them moaned as Sirius rotated his hips against Hermione's round backside, causing her to rub against Remus' obvious bulge in the front of his pants. As if on the same wavelength, Hermione and Sirius both reached between Remus and herself, Sirius' hands going for the buttons on Hermione's shirt, just as Hermione's hands reached Remus'.

Simultaneously, the two worked in sync, both sliding every button through the hole meticulously, slowly. Remus had to break the kiss to breathe as both their shirts were parted; Hermione groaned as the skin of their stomachs met. Her head fell back onto Sirius' shoulder as Remus' mouth fell to the side of her neck that Sirius had neglected. Sirius' hands inserted themselves between Remus and Hermione's body, finding her soft yet flat stomach, his rough hands exploring her skin as the back of them grazed along Remus' hard abdomen.

"Sirius," Hermione moaned, but was silenced as he turned his head, his lips crashing into hers.

He took her mouth much faster than Remus, his tongue rough and demanding. Remus growled against Hermione's neck as her nails scraped down his back, her hips pressing harder into his. Her hands traveled up, grabbing the collar of his shirt. He seemed to understand and shrugged out of the shirt, letting it drop to the floor behind him. Hermione gasped against Sirius' mouth as her hands found his bare skin, warm and electric beneath her fingertips. His skin was smooth but once she came across a large patch of raised lines, Remus involuntarily tried to pull away. Hermione broke the kiss with Sirius and turned her attention to Remus. Sirius, seeming to completely understand what was happening, stilled his hands on her stomach and waited, utterly motionless.

Hermione looked to Remus' face, only to see his eyes closed in embarrassment, his arms hanging at his sides, even though her arms were still around him. She retracted her arms, only to place her hands on his face, but he still didn't look at her. Her eyes started to take in his torso, hard and muscular, but badly scarred. The scars ranged anywhere from barely a centimeter to nearly a foot long, some raised and skin colored, others seeming as though they were done just recently, red and painful looking.

"Don't," Remus said quietly, just as her hands began traveling down his neck. "Please."

"Why?" Hermione asked, focusing on his face, his eyes still closed.

"It shows I am a monster, Hermione, and you need not… caress the physical aftermath of each transformation," he said through gritted teeth.

"It's not your fault, Remus," Hermione said in just over a whisper, her hand coming up to stroke his cheek. "I think you are perfect."

"Yeah, mate," Sirius said quietly, both Hermione and Remus almost forgetting he was there. "Like I've told you countless time, none of us can help our scars, especially you."

"Exactly," Hermione said, "and we will never love you less because of those scars."

"Never," Sirius agreed quickly.

"Would you tell me I was ugly and unworthy if I were covered in scars, Remus?" Hermione asked.

"No," he said instantly. "It's just been so long since… since anyone's touched them other than myself."

"Would you expect me," she started, taking one of his hands in hers, gently brushing away one of Sirius' with the other, "to not want you to touch this, even though the way I received it was out of my control?"

He felt her guide his hand to her stomach, brushing his hand over a four inch long, slightly raised spot on her stomach. He finally opened his eyes and glanced to where his hand was. "What happened?" he asked.

"Appendix out when I was 10," she said. "And what about this one, that was also out of my control?"

She guided his hand to her side, his hand coming in contact with a much larger scar. It looked as though her skin had been pinched together, the long, thick line was bright white and obvious against her skin. He broke free of her hand and traced the long scar, afraid to ask, for he knew where this one was from; he had seen this exact scar on his body many times.

"Cruciatus," Hermione confirmed. "From Bellatrix Lestrange, for a full half an hour. Would you expect me to be ashamed?"

"No," he replied again, now more focused on the feel of her skin than the actual scar itself. As if hit by a frying pan of truth, Remus understood what Hermione and Sirius were trying to tell him. "Your scars are beautiful," he whispered.

"As are yours," Hermione said, her voice full of an emotion Remus didn't recognize.

Though he understood, he still jumped slightly as Hermione placed her hand on his ribs, her fingertips ghosting over his many scars along his stomach. Out of nowhere, Sirius stepped away, taking off his shirt before coming back, and grasped Remus' other hand, guiding it around Hermione, who groaned as she realized Sirius state of undress. Remus couldn't see him, so he had to use only his sense of touch to understand what was going on. Sirius guided Remus' hand to his side, bringing the other man's fingers over his own scars, some large, some puffy, some small and thick.

"I've probably done most of those," Remus said, his eyes shutting as Sirius continued to run Remus' hand over his tattooed chest and stomach.

"Perhaps a few," Sirius said with a low chuckle.

"I'm so deeply sorry, Padfoot," Remus breathed out as the combined touching was slowly becoming too much to take.

"I enjoyed every minute of being with you, Moony, it was well worth it. It's like a memory, all these scars," Sirius mused. "I'd rather be able look at them every day and remember, than to have nothing at all."

Hermione thought she caught something of an underlying meaning in their words, but was too caught up in Remus' touch to fully take it in.

Sirius let go of Remus' hand, who clearly needed no more guiding, and brought it around Hermione, his hand finding Remus' side and running his fingers down it. They were a tangle of limbs, but they all seemed to move with a synchronicity that any love trio would kill for, never once fumbling or running into one another unintentionally. They stood there for an immeasurable amount of time, all of them touching some part on each other, seemingly mesmerized by the feel of skin that was not their own.

"You know what would be, perhaps, the sexiest thing in the world?" Hermione asked, seemingly out of nowhere, still slightly spurred on by the tea concoction.

"What?" Sirius asked."Yes, please tell us, Love," Remus said.

"You two don't have to do it," she said quietly.

"Let us decide," Sirius said, his lips very near her ear.

"I want to see," she said, but then stopped, her eyes focusing on Remus' shoulder.

"I think I know what you want," Remus said, looking over her head at Sirius, who seemed to understand.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at Remus, a silent question being asked. Remus cocked his eyebrow back, wanting an answer from the other man first. Sirius shrugged his shoulder minutely, the look upon his face clearly saying 'why not'. Remus tugged Hermione slightly to the side, her head turning as both men simultaneously shifted in the opposite direction she was being pulled. As if in her wildest dream, the other two slowly leaned towards each other, their eyes meeting in such an emotional way that Hermione almost felt ashamed to watch. As if in slow motion, Remus and Sirius closed their eyes, just as their lips met.

Something between them snapped, and one of them, they weren't sure who, deepened the kiss, their tongues clashing and battling. Momentarily forgetting Hermione, the two men's arms twined around her and they pressed in on either side of her, trying to get closer to one another. Hands found hair, hips rotated, moans and whimpers rang into the kitchen. Only after ten minutes and one huffing breath from the sandwiched witch, when they pressed too hard, did they break away from each other.

Hermione watched as they continued to stare into each other's eyes, their mouths open as they panted. "Wow," she said.

"Wow indeed," Remus said, his hands slowly detaching from Sirius' hair, his palm brushing the other man's cheek before falling away. "Did you enjoy that?"

"Yes," Hermione answered, even though Remus was still looking at Sirius. "It looked as though you've done that once or twice before."

Sirius smirked behind her, grey eyes locked on silver-blue. "Perhaps a few."

"Perhaps," Remus said, a touch of warning to his voice.

"How many times?" Hermione asked, intrigued.

"Many," Sirius answered before Remus could. "Back in school, and up until I got thrown in Azkaban, we were quite… close."

"And now?" Hermione asked, her lips dangerously close to Remus' chest.

"And now," Remus started, clearing his throat, never taking his eyes away from Sirius, "we aren't adult enough to discuss things since he came back from the veil."

Sirius growled. "Remus," he warned. "We hadn't been intimate since roughly six months after I was out of Azkaban."

"Would you like me to leave?" Hermione asked quietly. "I wouldn't mind, if you two needed to talk this out."

"No," they said in unison; it was quiet, but powerful enough to make her stay.

Remus placed his hands at her waist as Sirius put his hands on her shoulders. Remus pulled her closer as Sirius slowly pulled down her shirt, Remus groaning as her full bust came into view, only a white cotton bra separating them and him.

"We want you," Sirius said huskily, his lips skimming the skin on the back of her neck.

"Badly," Remus added, tracing the underside of her bra. "Take it off her, Padfoot."

"Gladly," he growled.

Hermione gasped as she felt the snap to her bra slide apart, and then the garment being taken down her arms, the cool air of the kitchen whispering over her bare breasts. Remus groaned at the sight of her perky bust, her nipples puckering under his gaze.

"Touch me," she groaned.

His lips crushed against hers the same moment his hands came up to cup her breasts. She whimpered as his tongue probed her mouth, his fingers now plucking her hardened pebbles. Hermione put one hand into Remus' hair, the other blindly reaching behind her, circling around Sirius' head in order to hold him to her neck, where his lips and teeth were doing maddening things to her flesh. Abruptly, Remus pulled back, stepping away just enough to, not-so-gently, turn her, her front now facing Sirius.

"Sweet Merlin," Sirius moaned, hesitantly placing his hand on her chest, just above her breasts.

Remus' hands went around her, one finding Sirius' wrist and bring his hand to cover her breast, encouraging him. After Sirius took advantage, Remus slid both hands to her pant line, skimming his fingers along her stomach. His teeth sank lightly into her shoulder as he popped the button to her jeans, her breath audibly hitching within her throat. Sirius' lips sought after Hermione's as Remus pulled down the zipper to her pants. Sirius taunted both her nipples and her mouth at the same time, his fingers lightly pinching her nipples and he sucked her bottom lip into his mouth, sucking and nibbling. Hermione jumped and moaned as Remus inserted his hand beneath her modest silk underwear. She grasped his wrist and pulled away from Sirius, her breathing heavy.

"Perhaps we should take this upstairs," Hermione panted. "I wouldn't want anyone walking in. Not that I'm ashamed, I just want to save Harry from the mental imagine if he decides to come check on us."

"Anything you'd like, Love," Remus said, placing another wet kiss on her shoulder.

"As long as we hurry, I have no objections," Sirius agreed breathlessly.

Hermione moved from between them, reached back, grabbed one hand from each of them, and practically yanked them towards the stairs.

A/N - Part 1, complete. Part II, coming up very, very soon, I promise!