Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

SS/LE, Marauder Era

Cursed

Chapter 32:

Severus nervously felt the outline of the pocket watch in his front trouser pocket. Prof. McGonagall had gifted it to him after his seventeenth birthday. He was afraid of losing it, besides the amount of charms he put on it to protect it from getting wet or smashed.

Lily's plan for another animagus lesson worked, and the headmistress was supposed to meet them in the Transfiguration classroom. He was the first one here.

The new Transfiguration teacher had not done much to change things. Prof. McGonagall still taught NEWT level, and planned to do so for the rest of the year. It was only two classes, and Severus suspected he'd have the new teacher next year for class. If he was still alive, or still at Hogwarts.

He was not feeling particularly well today, nor had he for some time. He was likely to be murdered any day now. Nothing he did would stop it from happening.

At any time at Hogwarts, Severus could be 'accidentally' killed by a 'prank' gone wrong. Till recently, the result would have been, he'd be dead, and someone would get a night or two of detention. Now, he'd still be dead, so it really didn't matter to him if someone got caught and punished because dead was dead, and then Lily could philosophize about how fitting it was because Severus wasn't a very good person to begin with. Or, could Lily decide to make it about her, and claim they were best friends forever still, after years of his best and only friend snubbing him?

No wonder why he felt like shit, thinking such morose things.

It was a fact. From the day he was born, he was destined to die, and nothing he did was going to prevent that. He may have had dreams about such things as being a great wizard, saving his mother from his father, having beautiful and wonderful Lily Evans as his best friend, gaining wealth, a comfortable house with heat and hot water, delicious things to eat when he never went hungry again, and other things that a dunderhead would think up to waste time.

Lily showed up late, but not as late as the headmistress.

When Lily got to the classroom, Sev was moping near the windows.

"Something wrong, Sev?"

"Other than I think this is a waste of time?"

"You're here, aren't you?"

With a long breath, Severus looked away, then back at Lily.

"Have you been practicing?" she asked.

"I didn't feel like it."

"You're not going to learn it without trying."

Severus shrugged. He didn't want to be an animagus. That had never been part of his grand scheme for being a great wizard, and he didn't have all that much time left before Dumbledore or someone that thought Severus wronged the great wizard decided to set things right.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked.

"Nothing."

"Are you feeling all right?"

Severus shrugged again, not feeling like lying. He didn't feel like doing much of anything at the moment.

Lily didn't know if Severus was being his usual stubborn, sullen self, or was not well.

She asked, "Did the professor say how late she'd be?"

"No."

"Do you want to talk about something?"

Severus' eyes met Lily's. What did they have to talk about? They had very little in common these days, and Severus no longer had exciting tales to regale her with now that she too was at Hogwarts. Once she got here, he was obsolete. Lily became the expert, and he was wrong.

He replied, "Whatever you want," since something was on her mind, and she'd just say it anyway if he tried to ignore her.

That was not the answer Lily was looking for.

She ventured, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

Severus didn't know what this was. Lily hadn't said anything to him yet today to hurt his feelings, if Slytherins had feelings. If she kept talking, eventually she'd say something, but that's the way Lily was.

Since Sev gave her a blank look, Lily went back to why they were here, and his obstinate resistance to learning how to be an animagus, by asking, "Really, why haven't been practicing?"

"Why?" Severus replied, sitting down.

"You won't learn it."

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters. Being an animagus is difficult magic."

If Severus could do it, that would quickly change people's opinions, he thought to himself, while looking down at the marred surface of the desk he occupied.

"What's wrong with you?" Lily asked.

"I'm alive," Severus muttered.

"Stop that, Sev."

He hunched forward, leaning over the desk. It was a long wait with Lily in one of her moods. Severus was not good enough, and although Lily could talk all she wanted about improving, he'd never be worth anything, to her or anyone else.

"My apologies for the delay," Prof. McGonagall said as she strode into the classroom. Her steps slowed as she noticed Severus' posture with Lily Evans standing over him.

If she didn't know Severus, she'd think he was sitting that way to make Miss Evans think she had the upper hand. Slytherins knew they did not have to win every battle to win the war. What Minerva didn't get was why Lily Evans was starting battles in the first place.

She used her wand to move furniture to give them space, announcing, "Shall we begin?"

Severus stood as desks were sliding. He hoped that the sooner they started, the sooner they'd be done. It was too much to leave it to chance that some school emergency would cause Prof. McGonagall to cancel the lesson.

After a quick sweeping charm to move any small debris off the floor to the side, Prof. McGonagall instructed, "All right, let's start with the two of you sitting on the floor, eyes closed, as I go through a list of attributes. This will mimic the exercise you have been performing at least once a day."

Lily glared at Sev before sitting down. She knew Severus had not been practicing like he was supposed to.

Prof. McGonagall slowly went through a list of feathers, skin, slime, legs, torsos, lightness, heaviness, tall and small as they sat, seemingly doing nothing.

She had been working her way down to the smallest of animals with, "Picture you are so insignificant that my shoe appears enormous to you, and the ground shakes as I pace by you."

Walking past them, so they could hear her footsteps, her eyes widened as Severus disappeared. Her expectations were thrown asunder, since she was sure it was only Miss Evans who practiced, wishing to become an animagus, and the lengthy snake that Severus changed into had a lot of orange on it. Orange was not Severus' color, and recognizing the animal, Minerva was concerned that he was able to change into a magical creature. That was near impossible, and runespoors did not have a good reputation since they were only familiars of Parselmouths. Albus would have a field day with this.

The transformation did not last long because Severus reappeared, and listed to one side, before his shoulder hit the floor.

"What?" Lily asked, opening her eyes at the noise and looking towards him. "You sick, Sev?"

"Yes."

"In what way, Mr. Snape?" Minerva asked, finally moving. Trying to think of how to make this transformation seem positive had fully occupied her mind.

"I had trouble seeing, and got dizzy."

"How can you see if you're supposed to have your eyes closed?" Lily asked. She wished Sev would take this more seriously, or else Prof. McGonagall was going to stop these lessons.

"I suppose I opened them," Severus admitted, not sure why he had. It was similar to when he was Dumbledore's starved prisoner. He did dream he swallowed a phoenix and killed the greatest and most beloved wizard of the day. He was mental. He better not talk anymore. That's how mental people were discovered, when they were raving. It was better to keep quiet.

"Anything else?" Minerva probed, kneeling next to him.

"No," he replied, considering all that could happen to him if he was determined to be insane. Potter, Black, Lupin and Dumbledore could be exonerated. Severus would be locked up, and they could stop by and torture him whenever and however they wanted because no one would ever believe him again. He would be crazy, a liar, and such a pathetic wretch that he should be thankful for whatever happened to him.

A curse seemed to be on him since the day he was born. Severus should be thankful he was born, thankful his mother was a drunken witch who sometimes forgot to feed him, thankful his father made enough money to buy what food he was given, thankful there was not a gaping hole in the roof over his bed … oh, it could go on and on, and because he was crazy, he'd always be wrong. Severus would never be clever, or smart, or great. He'd always be wrong.

Minerva knew Severus had something on his mind. She had seen enough Slytherins with that look in their shifting eyes as they thought. At least she was not going to have to explain to Severus why transforming into a runespoor was not desirable.

"Just get up, Sev," Lily commented in annoyance because he was disrupting the lesson. She knew he was perfectly capable of keeping his eyes closed.

Since Lily was not saying he transformed, that confirmed he had imagined something had happened. Severus tried to stand and did not feel well. What if the headmistress wanted to continue with the lesson? He could sit on the floor, but whatever happened to him happened while he was sitting on the floor with his eyes closed. Was it part of the werewolf curse on him? Severus had a large breakfast, with quite a lot of bacon, so that should not be bothering him.

Perhaps he could not do an animagus transformation since he was under the effects of a curse. That seemed reasonable, and if he wanted to catalog what the Marauders had done to him, why not admit they damaged him magically too, even though he had not been the least bit keen on becoming an animagus.

Although Severus was still on the floor, he listed to the side, and Lily noticed that Prof. McGonagall initially put out a hand, but then pulled it back.

What was wrong with her? Lily put her hands on Sev's shoulders to steady him. She didn't think he had cooties or Death Eater bogies or whatever asinine thing those toerags made up.

He did not look well to Lily. His skin color was never healthy, but right now it had a grey tinge and she could see beads of perspiration on his forehead, near his hairline.

"Maybe you should have a lie down, Sev," Lily suggested. He had looked fine when they started so he might have overdid something, because he had not been practicing yet was brilliant with magic nonetheless. Was Prof. McGonagall afraid of some magical overload or backfire?

Minerva readily agreed. She needed time to think about this.

Later that evening, after everyone in the school should be abed, Minerva reread the entry, which repeated what she already knew. Runespoors were large orange and black snakes with three heads whose eggs are magically produced from their mouths, rather than elsewhere. Their eggs are used in potions for mental agility.

Severus was a bright boy. Troubled, too. Terrible things had happened to him, and with the confusion as to why, because in his case, they simply did not happen by chance, someone made a conscious choice to perform these deeds.

Added to that was the possibility that Severus' wonky mental state was also due to his animagus form. A runespoor's heads each had a function. One planned, one dreamed, and the other was the critic, nay saying everything and complaining.

His form should be registered. If it was, Severus would definitely be labeled a dark wizard. Would it be sufficient proof for Albus to prove his case that Severus was guilty without committing any crime? He could certainly petition the Wizengamot. Albus had appointed many of them, and they truly wanted to have faith in Albus's judgment.

However, Barty Crouch was practical, besides hating dark wizards. How would he view a runespoor animagus? Minerva could not imagine him being pleased. She was not, and she would have thought that a student of hers learning the animagus transformation would make her proud. Nothing but proud.

*** He Who Must Not Be Named ***

Lord Voldemort's weakness had continued to vex him. His health had finally plateaued, yet he did not improve without potions by the vat full, and fortifying charms for the infirmed. His followers still had no idea that he had been weakened, and it must remain so or else he'd lose control of the greedy, power-hungry leeches.

If Dumbledore had done something to him, why wasn't he making his move?