AN: This is my first SMK fanfic in more than ten years. This is the show that originally started my fanfiction obsession so I thought that I would write something new in commemoration of the show FINALLY being released on DVD. Woo-Hoo! It's set immediately after the events of the ep "Mission of Gold" and is told mostly from Lee's POV in the aftermath of nearly losing the woman he loves. This will probably be 4 or 5 chapters long. I hope you enjoy it. For those of you reading my GG fics, I'm still working on them too. I'll be out of town with my hubby while he bowls in a men's tournament and I'm taking my laptop with me so I'll have plenty of time to write while he bowls. Since, as I mentioned this is the first SMK fic I've written in a decade, please be kind.

Lanie

Lee Stetson sat gingerly on the edge of his wife's hospital bed trying not to disturb her sleep. He knew that she was out of the woods now and was about to be released from the hospital and that that meant her mother would soon be taking her home to Arlington. Thinking of her zany mother made him reflect back on her words from a few days ago; who did this…it doesn't make any sense. It made sense to him. He and Amanda had been constantly dodging bullets together for almost four years. He'd always promised himself that he'd keep her safe. He'd failed in his job to protect her. Maybe it was chauvinistic of him to think of himself as her protector when she was more than capable of taking care of herself. After all, she'd been a single mother of two for a year before they'd met and had been single-handedly caring for and raising two boys with no help from their ever-disappearing father since then. From the stories she'd told about her first marriage he got the impression that she'd been acting as a single mother even before the divorce. He wanted to wring Joe King's neck for abandoning his wife and children. He looked down at Amanda and wondered how any man could walk away from her like he had. In one way, it had been a good thing. He'd never have met her if her first husband hadn't left her to pursue his career. He still wanted to kill him for hurting Amanda and deserting his sons. He could do it too. From all his years of experience as a field agent, he knew all kinds of ways to torture a man with no one being the wiser.

He shook off the nagging thoughts of Amanda's ex-husband and all the things he'd like to do to him for failing her. Chauvinistic or not, he couldn't help thinking that in this particular moment, Lee himself was the one who had failed her. He'd let her get hurt when he should have been watching out for her. He couldn't stand seeing his strong, beautiful wife broken like this and fighting for her life like she had been these past few days. He knew that she was safe now, but what would happen in the future the next time he wasn't able to protect her? He thought of the two young boys she had at home to take care of. Would he one day have to tell them that Mommy wasn't coming home? They were only eleven and thirteen. How would they take something like that, especially when their mother was the only real parental figure they'd ever had? He knew that their grandmother had always been there for them, but that wasn't the same as having their mother there.

Thinking of their grandmother brought his addled mind back to Dotty. Her words kept running through his head over and over again. It doesn't make any sense. He knew that she was confused and angry. He'd never wanted to tell her the truth about himself and her daughter more than he had in that moment. It has struck him then that she was his mother-in-law now and she didn't even know it. Nobody they knew was even aware that they were a real couple. Sure, Billy had insinuated several times that he knew the two of them were more than just partners, but he didn't have a clue that they were married. Neither did her mother or her children.

He tore his gaze away from Amanda for a moment and glanced over at his mother-in-law who was still sound asleep on the tiny couch in the room and sighed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the shiny gold band that he knew he couldn't openly wear. He slipped it onto his finger and simply stared at it. He marveled at how much he liked seeing it there and longed for the day that he could wear it all the time. He closed his eyes and once again began to imagine what his life with Amanda could be like if it weren't for The Agency. He had once envisioned them having a larger house out in the country with room for horses and a real family life. He'd even imagined them one day having children together, if she was open to the idea of having more kids. Who am I kidding, he thought. There weren't going to be horses or kids or a country home for them. They were never gonna have that normal life.

Amanda's faint voice saying his name shook him out of his reverie. He hastily slid his wedding band off of his finger and shoved it back in his pocket where it would stay hidden in case her mother was awakened by the sound of her voice. He gazed down at his wife who was just opening her eyes.

"Hi," he said with a smile grateful to see her soft brown eyes staring up at him when they had been closed so much the last few days. He'd been terrified as he'd watched her fight for her life that he'd never see that again. "How are you feeling?"

"Ok," she said though she winced a little as she tried to sit up. He leaned over to help her rise to a sitting position. "Is Mother still here?"She asked looking around the room.

"Yeah," he said gesturing behind him to the couch where Dotty was sleeping. "She conked out about an hour ago. She's been fighting it for a while. She finally relaxed when the doctor told us you were going make it."

"So, it was a pretty close call, huh?"

"Yeah, it was," He answered. He thought back to the doctor's words after she'd first come out of surgery. Fraction of an inch either way and she wouldn't have had a chance. He'd heard a lot of scary words during his tenure at The Agency, spoken by terrorists and KGB agents hell-bent on killing him, but those words spoken by that doctor were by far the scariest. He couldn't lose Amanda. Not after everything they'd been through together. They'd dodged bullets and bombs and thwarted enemies many times together and had always looked out for one another. They'd spent three years dancing around their feelings for each other before finally admitting that there was something there. Then they'd spent almost another year sneaking around and trying to hide their feelings when they were around others, stealing little moments of time together here and there when they weren't being chased by bad guys. Now they were married, but it didn't feel like it.

"I must look a mess," she said.

Lee couldn't help but chuckle a little at the thought that after staring down death, Amanda was worried about how she looked. "You look beautiful," he said without hesitation. He didn't care that her face was pale or that her thick curly hair was flattened by being in bed for so long, just the mere fact that she was alive was beautiful to him.

"Liar," she said as she gestured for him to come closer. He leaned in and kissed her softly mindful of the fact that she'd just had a gaping hole in her chest repaired and trying not to hurt her."I love you," she said as he pulled back.

"I love you, too," he said he eyes watering as he thought of how close he'd come to losing her. Not wanting her to see the tears that had formed in his eyes he stood and said, "I should go find the nurse and let her know you're awake."

"Lee," she protested not wanting him to go yet, but he resolutely walked away not wanting her to see him like this. He knew that it would only cause her to worry and she had to concentrate on getting better so she could go home to her boys.

Lee stepped out into the hallway and leaned against the wall feeling all his strength ebb away. He'd been awake for more than thirty-six hours, but that was nothing unusual in his line of work. It wasn't the physical exhaustion that was killing him, but the emotional drain the last few days had caused. Seeing the woman he loved struggling for every breath was worse than a knife wound to the gut and he should know, he'd had a few of those too. He recalled vividly the sheer panic when she'd temporarily stopped breathing and the way that Dotty had clung to him in her worry and her elation when the doctor had told them that she was going to be just fine. He chuckled ironically and wondered if she'd have been that chummy with him if she knew the real reason that they were here in Las Palmas. This was supposed to have been their honeymoon. They were supposed to be doing stupid stuff like holding hands on the beach and having romantic candlelit dinners. He supposed he wasn't really surprised by this turn of events. It seemed that something always kept them from having the kind of life they wanted to have together. Hell, they couldn't even have a normal Christmas together. He remembered his sardonic comment to her this past Christmas when they'd been held hostage in the Titan Toys plant, "Just another Christmas Eve, trapped in a nest of killers."

Lee pulled himself away from the wall and glance into Amanda's room where she was now talking animatedly to her mother who had apparently woken up. She didn't seem the least bit worried or upset by the fact that she'd nearly died. On the contrary, she seemed happy that she was still alive. "That's my Amanda," he thought. She had a knack for taking the grimmest situation, even something life or death and finding something positive to focus on, just like she had last Christmas. She'd even told him not to stew on the fact that they were in yet another jam and had pointedly reminded him of the Christmas three years before when they'd been surrounded by a Russian army but had been saved by a little Christmas magic. That was just one of the many things he loved about her, her uncanny ability to always look on the bright side, no matter what the situation. He didn't have that. Even though she was safe, he couldn't stop dwelling on the fact that she wouldn't have been in this situation if it hadn't been for him. He was constantly putting her in danger and he couldn't keep doing that. He didn't know what to do, but he knew it had to stop. He tore his gaze away from his smiling bride and went off to find a nurse as he'd said he was going to do, his worries of how to keep her safe in the future plaguing him.