Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, nor Archer (possibly my new favorite spy show), which is mentioned. If you'd like to donate either of these shows to me, I'd be forever grateful.

A/N: Okay, first of all, I hadn't intended to write an Adorable Psycho stories any time soon, but then I was inspired by a real world event. See, my good friend Mikki13 is going through some stuff right now, and I told her I'd write a fic to try to take her mind off things. And I always do my best to come through for my friends. Anyway, I hope this story offers you a bit of comfort, Mikki. And to Mikki, and everyone else reading, I hope it doesn't disturb you too much, haha. This is probably the most wacked out I've ever written Sarah, even in this already wacked out universe. I should also point out that the great MXPW helped me a bit with this one, and he made many suggestions for changes, that I promptly ignored, mostly. I'm sure the fic probably would have been a little better had I listened, but honestly, I'm tired, and I didn't feel like rewriting anything, haha. Hopefully it will make everyone laugh just a bit. Hope you enjoy, and please review. Thanks!

Adorable Psycho vs. Malpractice

It hurt. Everything hurt. Everything hurt like hell. But mostly her back.

"Well, Ms. Walker," the doctor started, "I don't think it's anything too major. Just some muscle damage. You'll of course need to relax your usual physical activity –"

"But I can still have sex, right?" Sarah asked sitting up on the examination table. Her need to know about her carnal needs was clearly stronger than the blinding pain she was in.

The doctor laughed. "I'm afraid not. Other than your physical therapy sessions, which I'm recommending three times a week, I'm prescribing a healthy dose of bed rest. Three weeks, at least. So either you're in bed, or you're at PT."

"That's not a problem, Dr. Sharbrir. I can have sex in bed. It's usually where the magic happens, anyway. I mean, yeah, I'll miss getting nailed on the kitchen table, in the shower, at work, on the beach, in the car, public restrooms, well, pretty much everywhere else I go, but I can live with just doing it in bed."

"Bed rest, Ms. Walker. With your back in its current condition, sex is out of the question."

"I want a second opinion," Sarah said as evenly as she could.

The doctor sighed. "Fine. Feel free to ask your physical therapist about sexual activity, but I can almost assure you, he'll say…"

……

"I'm sorry, but no. Sex is strictly out of the question, Ms. Walker. I agree with Dr. Sharbrir. You need to rest your back," Dr. Murphy, the physical therapist said.

Sarah blew out a frustrated breath. "It's not fair!" she moaned.

"Well, you probably should've thought of that before you tried to," the therapist paused, leafing through Sarah's chart. "Tried to lift a 312 lb. sack of fertilizer?" he finished, his voice going up in question.

"That's sack of shit, doctor."

"Right, right, sack of… You work at a frozen yogurt shop, Ms. Walker. How, or why, did you come to carry around a, um, sack?"

"Job related, doctor. Employee confidentiality. I really can't talk about it," Sarah said plainly.

……

He promised! It was her birthday! She was turning 31. 31 goddamn years old. Her twenties weren't really even in sight anymore. And she felt like that made her old. And less pretty. And he wasn't even here to make her feel better. And he promised!

She remembered his words like he'd said them yesterday. Mostly because he had said them yesterday. "Of course I'll still love you when you're 31. I'll still love you when you're 131," he'd told her. "Growing old with you is something I look forward to. And no matter what, you'll always be the most beautiful woman in the world to me." That one had made her melt. And finally, "Tomorrow is all about you, Sarah. Just you and me, all day. I promise."

There it was. "Promise". He'd said it plain as day. And Chuck didn't break a promise. At least, he didn't break a promise to her before she was 31 and old.

Finally, Sarah decided she'd had enough of bitterly sitting alone in their apartment. It was time to find Chuck and make him live up to his promise.

She pulled into the Buy More parking lot and walked determinedly through the glass doors. Immediately she spotted Morgan talking to a customer, and she strode over to converse with the little bearded man.

"Morgan, where's Chuck?" she asked.

"Whoa, hey Sarah. Chuck got called in to do an in store Windows 7 class for customers. Well, actually it's just one customer –"

"One customer? One customer is the reason Chuck's missing my birthday?"

"Oh, it's your birthday? I didn't know that. Hey, how old are you?"

Sarah glared at Chuck's friend. He was treading on very dangerous ground.

"Hey, you know what? Forget I asked. But yeah, Chuck should be finished in a couple of hours, so…"

"That's not good enough. I need him now. Go get him," Sarah demanded.

Morgan sighed. "I can't do that, Sarah. He's the only one capable. Do you honestly want Jeff or Lester leading the class?"

"I don't care," Sarah pouted. "It's my birthday, and he's my boyfriend."

Morgan still didn't move to go get Chuck.

"Fine, if you won't get him, I will."

"Sarah, wait!" Morgan called after the retreating blonde, but it was of no use.

Sarah entered the break room to find a large man (large being a bit of an understatement) sitting at one of the tables. There was a projector at the front of the room hooked into a laptop. But there was no Chuck.

"If you're here for the class, you're a little late, honey," the fat man said.

"I'm not here for the class," Sarah said distractedly, still looking around for Chuck. "Where's the guy that's instructing it?"

"He stepped out to use the restroom," the man explained.

Then an idea popped into Sarah's head. If not for this one man, Chuck would be all hers for the rest of the day. Just like he'd promised.

"You know," she drawled, focusing her attention on the customer. "If you were to, say, get up and leave, I'm sure Chuck wouldn't be too disappointed."

"Why would I do that?"

"I could make it worth your wile." Sarah pulled her wallet out. "How much would it take? Two? Three-hundred?"

"Sorry, I've been waiting for this class for over a month. What's it to you, anyway?"

Sarah sighed. "Chuck is my boyfriend, and it's my birthday. And if he didn't have to be here, then he could be with me."

"Oh, well I'm sorry to inconvenience you," the man said sarcastically. "I know how important it is to turn, what 37?"

……

As Chuck approached the break room, he heard, what sounded like a woman, groaning in pain. More to point, it sounded like Sarah groaning in pain. He rushed into the room, only to find his "student" on the ground with blood pooling around his head. But beside the man was Sarah, also on the ground, and writhing and moaning, clearly in distress.

"Sarah!?" Chuck said. "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay!?" she shrieked.

"What's going on here?" Chuck asked.

"He," Sarah swallowed. "He told me I looked like I was 37. And yeah, I didn't have time to put on makeup this morning, but I do not look 37, Chuck."

"So you killed him?"

"Yeah, and I was going to try to get the body down to Castle before you found out and got all pissy about it, but obviously that didn't work out too well."

"You need help getting up?" Chuck asked.

"No, I'd love to stay here on the floor all day," she deadpanned.

Chuck tried to help Sarah to her feet, but the blonde immediately collapsed back to the floor with a scream of anguish.

"My back!" she cried. "Chuck, it hurts so bad."

Chuck had never seen her like this. Sure, he'd seen her get injured. In their line of work, it was inevitable. But this was different. Sarah was nearly in tears, and it killed Chuck to see her hurt like that. So he put aside his feelings of horror at what she'd done, and focused on helping out the woman he loved.

"Sarah, just lie still, alright? I'm going to get Casey in here to clean up you, er, mess, and I'm going to get you to the hospital."

"No, Chuck!" Sarah shouted. "No hospital. Let's just go home. You owe me birthday sex!"

"Later, Sarah," Chuck said with a sigh. "Right now, I have to look out for you."

……

"Right… Job related," the doctor said disbelievingly. "In any case, I'm in complete agreement with Dr. Sharbrir. It's bed rest and physical therapy only for the time being."

Sarah huffed in disgust.

"Now," the therapist said, "give me your arm."

Dr. Murphy, Sarah's physical therapist proceeded to wrench her arm behind her, and dug his hands into her back muscles. It was the most excoriating pain she'd ever felt. And she'd been tortured numerous times.

"Awww…fuck!" she shouted.

"Shh, it'll be over soon," he assured her.

"It better be," she mumbled.

And it was eventually over. Sarah felt no better from the experience. If anything, she felt even more debilitated than she was when she walked in. She thought to herself that the physical therapist didn't know what the hell he was doing.

……

Bed rest was bad enough for someone as active as Sarah. It meant no working out, no running, and most of all, no sex. She couldn't even sit up to use her computer, so catching up on her fic writing (and even reading) was out of the question. She was bored senseless, and she could only watch old episodes of Sam, and Archer from her DVR so many times before even that lost its flavor.

But her boredom was the least of her worries that day. No, there was something else on her mind. Chuck was going on his first mission since she'd been injured.

And it's not that she worried for his safety. Well, of course she did. She always worried about Chuck's safety out in the field, but she'd long since come to respect him enough as a spy to know that he'd find a way to come home to her. But with her out of commission, she wasn't even in on the mission planning. Sure, he'd told her what he was doing. A simple asset exchange with a British agent, and then security for the asset being transferred. Sounded simple enough.

But Sarah couldn't seem to put the thought out of her head that Chuck might not be giving her the whole story. Or any of the story, for that matter. Even when she was a functional part of the team, if Chuck had to do something unsavory, he and Casey would always try to hide it from her. Now, without her having direct access to mission details, they could just be pulling the wool completely over her eyes.

Chuck could be off with some broad, pumping her for information as Sarah was laid up in bed alone. While Sarah popped another Vicodin, Chuck could be balls deep in an enemy operative. And Sarah would be none the wiser at the end of the day.

And that thought drove her mad.

In fact, it probably wasn't just one enemy operative. Beckman was probably taking advantage of Sarah's condition to send Chuck on the seduction mission to end all seduction missions. He was probably in bed with two, no, maybe three brunette skanks. Or wait, maybe it was an entire harem. A giant spy whorehouse full of brunette skanks that looked remarkably like Jill, Lou, and Hannah. In fact, it was probably a Ring brothel filled with Jill, Lou, and Hannah clones!

That was it! They'd cloned the women that had Chuck before her, and now they were tempting him with those skanky clones. That's how they planned to recruit the Intersect! They'd draw him in with sex from those horrible clones.

Dammit! She had to get in touch with Chuck before it was too late. She had to warn him before he walked into that trap!

When Chuck got home, he heard the most horrible moaning and wailing coming from the bedroom, and he rushed to see what had happened to Sarah.

He found her curled up on the floor, valiantly reaching for something on her desk. What it was, he wasn't sure.

"Sarah, honey, what – er – what are you doing?"

"Chuck!?" Sarah said with startled glee. "They didn't trap you? You got away from the slut clones?"

"The, um, the what?"

"The clones! The clones, Chuck! I know. I was trying to get my phone to warn you, but it was too late. I know they sent you to infiltrate a Ring orchestrated harem of Jill, Lou, and Hannah clones. Did you have sex with them? Tell me the truth, Chuck, because I'll know!" she demanded, her voice in a panic.

"Sarah, sweetie, I think we need to get you to bed," Chuck said, picking his girlfriend up in his arms.

"Yes!" Sarah said happily, despite her pain. "Take me to bed, Chuck. Sex me up good. We'll show those clones how it's done."

Chuck sighed. He knew Sarah would never rest until he gave her what she wanted. Well, that was the exact reason Casey gave him the tranquilizer darts to begin with. Laying Sarah down on the bed, he discreetly took one from the drawer of his bedside table. He leaned over and kissed her lips gently, and as Sarah melted into his kiss, he stuck the dart into her neck.

……

Sarah was getting pretty damn tired of Chuck always tranqing her whenever she tried to bring up the topic of sex. She'd asked him every way she knew how to just get it over and fuck her. And while he'd offered a compromise of sorts, just getting head from him wasn't footing the bill. She needed him, all of him, to satisfy her urges.

And so at the beginning of her second week of bed rest, when she was showing no signs of improved function, Sarah decided she was as well as she was ever going to be. So that night, when Chuck came to bed, she didn't ask him, as she had every night before, to plow her like he was supposed to. It was time to take matters into her own hands.

"Chuck?"

"Yes?" Chuck asked, climbing into bed next to her.

"I'm sorry I keep bothering you to give me sex," she said innocently.

Chuck was clearly taken aback by her apology. It was so unlike Sarah to apologize for anything, much less her insatiable sexual appetite.

"It's okay," he said. "I understand how hard this is for you."

He leaned over to place a soft, chaste kiss on her lips, but as he pulled away, he felt a small pinch around his jugular.

As the reality of what happened sunk in, and he began to fade into unconsciousness, the last sound he heard was Sarah saying sadly, "Then you understand why I have to do this."

When Chuck came to, the first thing he noticed was an awful wailing noise coming from the bed beside him. The second thing he noticed was that his pants and underwear were pulled down around his knees. And finally, the last thing he noticed was Sarah on the floor beside the bed, naked from the waste down with her shirt pulled up over her abdomen, flailing about in pain.

"Sarah?" Chuck asked groggily.

"Chuuuuuck," Sarah moaned in agony. "I tried," she said, almost weeping. "I tried so hard to do it, but I reached for a condom, and it hurt my back, and then I fell off."

Chuck shook his head as he took out another tranq, scooped his sobbing girlfriend up in his arms, put her back in bed, and put her under for the night.

……

"Pllleeeaase," Sarah begged.

"But you already have a lock of my hair," Chuck exclaimed. "Casey talks about it some times. It creeps him out."

"Well I need another one," Sarah whined.

"For what?"

"For, um," Sarah paused, searching for some valid reason. She found none. "I just do!"

"What's wrong with the one you already have?" Chuck asked.

"Well, it's all the way over on the dresser, and I can't get to it. You know, bed rest and all," she lied.

"Oh," Chuck said, relaxing his previously stiff posture. "Is that all? Well, I mean, I can go get it for you –"

Sarah released a frustrated sigh. "Fine. Fine, if you must know, it's for this."

Sarah reached under her pillow, and removed a sock. Oh, but it wasn't just any sock, apparently. She slipped her hand into the sock, and began to open and close its "mouth". Chuck couldn't help but notice there was a mouth drawn on (kind of expertly, in fact), and also, a set of eyes, which Chuck noticed were brown, just like his own.

"Sarah, is that…" He didn't even want to finish that question. Instead, he settled for a much more irrelevant one. "Where did you get the color Sharpies to make a pink mouth and brown eyes?"

Sarah paled slightly. Apparently, that wasn't a question she wanted to answer. "Don't worry about it," she said, averting her gaze.

"Sarah," Chuck warned.

"Fine!" Sarah huffed. "So, I made him yesterday –"

"Him?"

"Yes, him. It's supposed to be you, in case you didn't know."

"Yeah, I kind of got that," Chuck answered.

"Anyway, as I was saying. You left me a pair of socks in case my feet got cold. Well, my feet weren't cold, but I suddenly got a brilliant idea."

"Becoming the pornographic Sherri Lewis is a brilliant idea?" Chuck asked.

"Are you going to keep interrupting? Because if so, I can stop telling this story," Sarah said annoyed.

"Fine, keep going," Chuck said.

"Anyway, so I had this idea to make him, but the problem was, as you said, I didn't have the proper tools. So I tried to call Ellie."

"Ellie and Devon had shifts yesterday," Chuck said.

"Right, they did. So then I tried to call Casey, but when I asked him to bring me markers, he wouldn't, unless I told him why. Well, I didn't want to tell him why, for obvious reasons."

"Obviously," Chuck observed.

"So, I called the Buy More. I figured I could get you to pick them up for me, and you wouldn't ask too many questions. You'd probably figure I'd taken up coloring books or something," she explained. "Only problem was, you were out on an install. Which, I can only hope was a real install, and you weren't out installing your –"

Chuck sighed. "I wasn't having sex with a skank. Now, continue."

"Well, Morgan was busy, doing what, I don't know, but he said he couldn't do anything for me. But Jeff and Lester…"

"Morgan was probably happy to get them out of the store," Chuck said.

"He was. So he sent them to pick up some color Sharpies for me. Only problem was, when they got here, they wanted to know why I needed them."

"Did you tell them?" Chuck asked.

"Well, no. Frankly, they still creep me out, and I wanted no part of them knowing intimate details of my life."

"Understood," Chuck said. "But what aren't you telling me?"

"Weeeellll," Sarah drawled. "They somehow picked up on the fact that, whatever I was doing, I didn't want you to know."

"How'd they pick up on that? They seem to be fairly oblivious most of the time," Chuck said.

"Because I accidentally told them that I didn't want you knowing I'd asked for them," Sarah said flatly. "Anyway, they wouldn't go quietly. So I kind of had to bribe them."

"With what?" Chuck asked, although he was pretty sure he didn't want to know the answer.

"Well, I tried to pay them off, but they didn't seem interested in money," Sarah said deflecting.

"So what did you use?" Chuck asked.

"A sex tape," Sarah said meekly.

"A what!?" Chuck boomed.

"I gave them a recording of you and I having sex," she answered, a little stronger.

"I thought you said you were going to get rid of those!"

"Well, I kind of did. I gave one to Jeff and Lester. That's getting rid of them, right?"

"I – you – I," Chuck was at a loss for words.

"If it makes you feel any better, it was a really old one," Sarah explained. "I mean, I've already studied that one a bunch of times. And it's just boring old missionary position on the bed. Nothing too good. I don't think I'll miss it."

Chuck was flustered, but clearly trying to calm himself. "You know what? It doesn't matter. Whatever. Back to the hair. Just, I don't know, why can't you use the lock of my hair you already have for your, um, puppet?"

Sarah gasped in horror. "Are you serious!?" she asked appalled. "Chuck! I cut that lock of hair the first night we made fuck!"

"Made love?" Chuck asked.

"Sorry, but 'made fuck' is the best you're getting out of me, bub. And I only threw in the 'made' part because I'm really kinda high on the good drugs right now. Feeling pretty good," Sarah said with a smile.

"Sarah, I just," Chuck began, but stopped. He threw his hands up in disgust. "I don't even know what to say. Listen, I have to get back to work. I love you."

Chuck turned to walk out of the room.

"Chuck, wait!" Sarah called after him. "I love you, too," she said. "Can I at least get a goodbye kiss?"

Chuck sighed, but came back to her bedside. He leaned down, and planted a quick kiss on her lips. But he wasn't quick enough, because just as he was pulling away, he heard a snip.

Sarah quickly discarded the scissors she'd been concealing and proudly held her new lock of hair high in triumph.

"I can't believe you," Chuck groaned.

"You better believe it," Sarah gloated. Then as Chuck finally turned to leave the room again, she couldn't help but add, "Johnny Bench called."

After a moment of silence, Sarah reached to the bedside table to retrieve some Scotch Tape. She attached the new lock of hair to the puppet's "head", and grinned at her now complete creation.

"Well, I guess it's just you and me now, Fuck Plowtowski," she said.

"That's just the way I want it, baby," she said in a mock low-pitched voice, moving the puppet's mouth.

"Oh, Chuck, what do you have planned for me?" she asked.

"I'm going to bang you so hard, you'll forget every name you've ever had," she answered again mimicking Chuck's voice to the best of her ability.

"And would you ever cheat on me with some brunette skank?" she asked seriously.

"Oh hell no, baby. You're the only piece of ass I ever want for the rest of my life. And what a nice, tight ass it is," the puppet said.

"You're so romantic, Chuck," Sarah swooned. "Now take me, lover, or lose me forever."

Then Sarah's hand, the one covered by the sock puppet, disappeared below the sheets, and she let out a satisfied moan.

……

Chuck walked into the bedroom and saw something he didn't expect to see. Sarah was there, but she wasn't in bed. She was sitting at her desk, typing away furiously at her computer.

"Sarah?" he prodded gently. "Why aren't you in bed?"

"Because I'm not supposed to be," she said simply, though there was a hint of irritation in her voice.

"I'm sorry, I'm not following. What's going on now?"

"Oh, yeah, you haven't been here. So, anyway, about six years ago, I suffered a herniated disk in my back."

"Right, so what does that have to do with why you're up and about?" Chuck asked.

"Well, when I got hurt a couple of weeks ago, I kind of thought it felt similar to how it felt back then. But when I told the stupid ass doctor, he dismissed me out of hand," Sarah said.

"And you've somehow found out that he was wrong?" Chuck asked.

"You're goddamn right I found out he was wrong! I had Ellie hook me up with one of her friends. A Suzie something-or-the-other…"

"Right, I know Suzie. She went to Stanford." Chuck laughed to himself. "You know, Ellie tried to hook me up with her once. Before I met you, of course. Well, actually, right, before I met you. Like the day before."

Sarah glared at Chuck. "Do you want me to kill this Suzie?"

"No, no, you're right. Nothing ever happened, and I'm not even remotely interested. Anyway, I think she had a thing for Bryce. Seemed much more interested in me talking about him, than me talking about myself," Chuck said dismissively.

"Stupid twat," Sarah muttered. "Anyway, Suzie the Skank, who happens to be an excellent orthopedic surgeon brought me in today to take a look at my back."

"Weren't you supposed to go to PT today?" Chuck asked.

"Well, yeah, I was, but turns out, the physical therapist was just as stupid and fucked up as my original doctor. They were both wrong, and they were both doing more damage than good," Sarah said, her voice growing angrier with every word.

"So what? You're going to file a malpractice suit?" Chuck asked.

"Pffft, yeah right," Sarah said.

"You know, it's pretty messed up that they wouldn't even listen to you about your medical history," Chuck said, his own voice starting to show signs of irritation.

"I know!" Sarah said. "And worse yet, because they messed me up so bad, I can't even kill them like I wanted."

"So what's your plan?" Chuck asked.

"Plan? Who needs a plan? I have a friend named John Casey," Sarah said with a smirk.

"So what are you doing on the computer?" Chuck asked.

"Here, look," Sarah said, pointing to the screen.

As Chuck focused on the monitor, he saw the interrogation room in Castle, with two men, who he assumed were the piss poor doctors in question chained up against the wall. That's when he saw Casey enter the picture.

"Walker," Casey addressed the camera. "Hope you're ready for a show."

"Oh, I am," Sarah said under her breath. Then turning to Chuck, "Popcorn?" she asked, offering him a bowl that was still mostly full.

A/N: Okay, so that's it, folks. I know, I kind of got off topic a little bit, but that tends to happen with these AP stories, haha. And Mikki, I hope you're feeling better soon, I hope everything you're going through works out, and I hope this fic helped you smile just a bit. Thanks for reading everyone, and I look forward to you feedback. You guys are awesome. Peace.