Susie Was Always Right

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1. I left my heart in Havana

I left my heart behind in Havana. We returned to St. Louis when the revolution happened, and since then, I've been attending school.

Radcliffe wasn't all it was chalked up to be. The people were dull and the school itself felt lifeless. Or maybe that was all just me. I'm sure if I had never moved to Havana I would still have found Radcliffe as good as I had been expecting it to be.. but I did live in Havana, and there I figured out exactly who I was and what type of woman I wanted to be. Radcliffe no longer fit into that ideal description of myself that I had produced over the first 18 years of my life. It's amazing how in just a few simple months your entire outlook on life can completely change.

Regardless, Radcliffe was dull to the new me, but you couldn't exactly consider me unpopular there. I had my own small tight-knit group of friends. I did, however, still feel somewhat alone constantly.

I never told my friends about my past. They only knew that I had once lived in Cuba for a few months, and our family left when Batista fled the country. Us gringos were not longer wanted, and I think that is somewhat understandable. It is their country, and they shouldn't be pushed aside by the rich American socialites who had come to live there. After all, for the most part, the Americans were very disrespectful to the locals. They didn't deserve that at all, let alone in their own country.

I was different though. I'm not saying this to make myself come across as some sort of impressive civil-rights activist, but more so because it is true. When I moved there and began to experience the real Cuban culture, I fell in love with it. The music, the city, the dancing, the ocean, the people, the whole atmosphere of it was amazing. Not to mention the guy I fell in love with. I really did leave my heart in Havana. And I left it with him.

I haven't seen him since my last night in Havana. I haven't even heard from him. For months, I tried writing.. but I never got a response.

I tried to move on. The first few weeks were the worst. I wasn't sure if I should expect to hear from him or not, and I think my heart broke a little more each day when someone would gather the mail and there wouldn't be a letter in there for me. I remember Daddy's face every morning when he'd come back into the house with the mail and he'd see me peer around the corner, face hopeful. No parent likes to see their child hurt.

That's partially why I eventually started to repress my feelings. My parents had other things to worry about than their daughter's no-longer-existent love life, and I had to start thinking about college, not Javier.

Eventually, the pain became less noticeable. And until recently, it had become quite bearable. Being away from home, and at Radcliffe with my new friends meant there was no one who really knew about my time in Havana. Of course, there was the occasional question from a friend, something like "What did you do while you were there?" or "Did you meet any one?" or "Weren't you afraid to be alone in the city?"

"Not much," I'd say. Or "No, I didn't meet anyone." and "I didn't go into the city alone."

Eventually, my new friends stop asking. As far as they knew I had a boring and uneventful time in Cuba. They didn't even know I'd learnt to dance there. Actually, I doubt they even knew I could dance. I can't think of a single time I mentioned it.

Everything was becoming fine. I thought I would be alright. Thinking of Javier was like thinking about an old childhood best friend you'd lost touch with. The memories were there, and you wouldn't forget them, but there wasn't too much pain. And of course, there was always some sort of deeply-buried hope that one day you'll see each other again.

Susie had been right all along. For ages I had dreaded seeing her, because of the looks she'd give me. That girl is surprisingly perceptive. Susie knows the real me, and she knows that the real me hasn't been around since the night we left Cuba. She's always tried to mention returning to Cuba. She's always been right about it too. It's what I need.. although I'll never actually admit it out loud.

I, of course, was too stubborn to listen to Susie and realize what I'd done to myself. I've become a shell of who I used to be and I know that I need to change. I've decided to listen to Susie, and to head back to Havana. There, I could find my heart again, and find my soul.