** **
*** ***
****Where Madness Troubles the Hatter****
*** ***
** **
It's a maddening thing to have what you want the most in all the world right before you, practically at your fingertips
…and watch her disappear.
**
**
**
One of the perks of madness is things generally tend to make sense without explanation. Or maybe the real perk is that sense itself is not a concern for one such as I, so the explanations one such as she might seek have no relevance at all for me. ***
But her propensity for sanity is infectious, I fear, for now I find myself looking all over the place for explanations. Every hat I overturn, every pot of tea I drain, every tablecloth I flip up or yank aside—the explanations are not there. I've even begun to search my mind of all places, and surely the answers won't be found there because it is really her mind I am after, and our minds, clearly, are not one and the same.
Yes, she made that very clear that day, the day she left.
*
*
* Why did she leave? *
*
*
Oh, that silly girl. A great many things in Underland are silly. You don't have not to be silly to see the silliness. It's the Underlandian way of life. That's why she fits in so well here.
Or would, that is, if she were still here.
**
**
**Why isn't she here? **
** ** **
**
I cannot for the life or hat of me understand that child's brand of silliness.
Though I know she isn't a child.
No, not at all.
She grew up.
Even though she was small when I first saw her again this second time—the second I saw her, really—it was still quite clear she'd grown up. She was a young lady, no matter how big or small I found her. She was the same Alice, and yet an altogether different Alice.
Or maybe she made me an altogether different Hatter. I know for sure that I was not the same from that first second, and I am unfortunately, wretchedly, hatefully, deplorably, hopelessly—
I am not the same now.
***
***Alice, why did you go? ***
***
***
***
She could have stayed. Everyone wanted her to. Any of us would have happily welcomed her into their homes. I certainly would have…
happily…
But that girl and her reason!
****
****What was her reason? ****
****
****
I'm afraid I'll never understand her, that
silly, silly, maddening girl.
Naught for usal. Naught for usal at all!
Most likely I will rot here at
the head of my lonely,
lonely table before I figure out
piece by piece or
whole by whole the
workings of her mind.
Most likely I will rot
waiting and waiting
for that girl, that woman,
my Alice, my dearheart,
to return to Underland,
to me, and explain
why the devil she ever
left in the first place. No, the second place. She was just a child
before, but not a child now. Twice now she has left me. And if
she came again, she would only leave me thrice, it would seem,
seeing as she did it so easily this last time, the second time,
when I tried to ask her, to beg her, to stay.
x* **
*x x* ** X
x* * *x
**
Slurking urpal slackush scrum. Slurvish, slurvish girl— *
**x x***x* **x x
—No!
Not my Alice!
How could I ever
say such awful, awful things
about my Alice?
I love the silly, lovely, beautiful, perfect angel,
love her best and most of all
more than any other creature
in all of Underland.
But she left. *
She left *
she left *
she left *
she left *
And it is the most maddening thing of all—oh, I would stop the thought if I could—but I can't…
*
*
*
I am mad…
…mad at!
They shall call me
*
* the Mad Atter,
* for I am mad at, you see,
*
my dear Alice.
*
*
For leaving
me.
*
*
*
For saying goodbye
to me.
*
*
I can't understand any of it, and not a bit of her, and I feel so much and cannot make any sense of any of it,
and for the first time in my Mad Hatter life, I want to make sense of it
because maybe then it might go away.
Alice always seemed to feel even just a bit better, was more content at the very least, when she could find an explanation for something.
So maybe if I find an explanation
for this, for her,
maybe then I can be content again.
*****
*****
*****Again? *****
*****
Was I ever content before? ******What is it to be content?****** It is less than perfect happiness, and I have never been perfectly happy, though I haven't not been madly happy at times.
When Alice returned, oh, I was madly happy then.
But content? Perhaps. But had Alice stayed, certainly then, I think, I should have been perfectly happy.
Because I should be very pleased to be perfectly happy with that enchantingly galling girl.
But here I am
talking on and on
about my own happiness.
Perhaps I am
the slurvish one
if I don't give any
thought to her feelings, or any
feeling to her thoughts?
I am a different person from Alice to be sure.
My perfect happiness may not be her perfect happiness.
And if it shouldn't be her perfect happiness,
then it shan't really be mine either in that case.
Perhaps that is the craziness of love about which
I've heard so much but never knew myself
properly until now. It's certainly a different sort of
crazy from my customary madness, or so I have found, and
so I continue to find, everyday that passes
without her. But I think the craziness would be just as
strong were she here, though it would be craziness of a
very different hue.
*
*
*
A list of what a Mad Hatter knows of madness and love:
1. It is one thing to be crazy with loneliness without her.
1. It is one thing to be crazy with delirious happiness should she not have gone away.
1. It is also one thing to be mad, for one can be quite content to be simply mad.
???. But it is another thing entirely to be mad at something. Especially the one one loves the most.
*******
Oh, my Alice,
*******
dear Alice,
*******
what have you done to your Hatter?
*******
*******
*******
A/N:
Okay, so this is the first thing I've ever written from Hatter's perspective, and my first piece of AiW fanfiction. I apologize if my formatting choices offend any reader's eyes; I was experimenting in an effort to evoke something of how the Hatter's mind might work on paper (or screen, as it were). It is not perfect by any means, so any and all feedback is welcome. If the presentation proves too distracting for the text itself, though, please let me know, and I will post the straightforward text version I originally wrote so as to gather my own thoughts as the writer before going through and confusing it all with perhaps far too wayward creativity.
Also, I have written something of an Alice POV companion piece to this that I will tweak for a week or so before posting after I (hopefully) get some feedback (whether praise or…contrariwise…*fretful flush*) from any kind and helpful readers who wish to contribute their thoughts.
Anyway, thank you all so much for reading. I hope you found something you like in this. : )
Best Wishes,
~Niach
P.S.
Yeah, so Facebook screwed up the formatting of my original document, which is a bit, er, zanier, I suppose, than it is in this version. Let's call this version a happy medium then, shall we? And if anyone has any interest in taking a peek at the super zany one, I should be very glad to email it that person / those people. (Though I wonder if anyone besides myself even cares. haha ^.^'')