A/N: COW BRAINS! :D :D :D

So anyway, I just thought this would be funny. XD It's Arnold's thoughts during Helga's confession scene. XD

Enjoy! Enjoy the COMEDY! :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Hey Arnold! ...or Carrie Underwood's voice. D:

Helga's Confession: Arnold's Perspective

One-Shot

"Don't go out in the hall yet. It's swarming with guards."

"Wait, how do you know I'm here? Where are you?" I ask.

"Don't worry about me. The point is you've got the evidence you need to save the neighborhood." As he said this, I looked around, and then walked a little over, looking around the corner. I can see someone outlined in the shadows down the hall through a glass door. "Now we've got to get you safely out of the building. If you're caught now, all is lost."

"Uh, Deep voice," I narrow my eyes at the figure at the end of the hall. "tell me how I can get out of here." After I finish this line, I begin rounding the corner, letting my arm fall from my ear along with the phone as I begin my trek down the hall, though I can still hear his voice.

"Okay, Arnold, listen," I drop the phone, and I don't really care to listen to what he's saying anymore as I continue down the hall, closer to the figure. I'm tired of listening to this guy. I finally make it to the end of the hall to the door, and I push aside the blinds to get a better look at the darkened figure. I slowly grip onto the door's handle, and then in one swift motion, I slide it open, and announce, "Deep Voice!"

Lightning strikes behind the figure, and he puts a dark, glove clad hand in front of his face. "Don't come another step closer! Pay no attention to that man with the voice box!"

As he said that, I had my eyes half-lidded with that, "Yeah right." look. Like I was really just going to leave him alone after everything he'd put me through. It was right then that I noticed the voice box, and I narrow my eyes at him, taking a step forward. "Who are you?" I feel greatly annoyed by this guy.

He takes another step back, his large hand still in front of his face. "Uh-uh, no one in particular."

I take another step forward, and another, and another, as I speak with conviction, "No more games, Deep Voice. I'm not doing anything until I know who you are." Who does this guy think he is? I'm deeply annoyed by all this. I can't stand not knowing who this guy is. I mean, he's been putting me through so much in the last twenty four hours, but I don't even know who he is! I'm sick of it!

I continue forward, as he backs away still, and then all of a sudden, he trips, and goes crumbling down to the ground. I keep my eyes narrowed at him as this happens... His hat flys off as he falls, and his... stilts come off his feet, as he lets out a rather feminineyelp. That's when I see the blonde hair done up in pigtails, the wide blue eyes, the black eyebrow, the big, pink bow, and it only takes me a split-second to register who he (Or rather she) is.

"Helga?!"

She just looks up at me with wide eyes, still clutching the voice box in her hand.

"You?" I narrow my eyes in confusion. "You're Deep Voice?"

She holds up the voice box to her mouth, and laughs nervously. "Heh, heh," She lowers the voice box then, and her true voice rings clear. "Look's like it."

I lift my shoulders up along with my arms while I speak, "But I don't get it." I look away briefly. "How come..." I look back at her, and lower my arms to my sides. "How come you couldn't just tell me what you knew?" I take a step forward as I speak, "Why'd'ja have to make up all this..." I look down for a second, searching for the right way to word it. "crazy secret identity?" I look back at her.

"No reason." She smiles at me, rubbing her arm nervously.

"But, Helga," I spread my arms out. "You just risked everything to help me save the neighborhood."

She narrows her eyes at me, along with her eyebrow, and then shoves her broken stilts off of her as she stands defensively. "So? What's your point?"

I shrug my shoulders as I speak, staring at her with wide eyes, "That's a pretty amazing thing to do for someone you claim to hate." Claim? What do I mean by that? Well... by what's taking place here all her proclamations of her hatred for me seem kind of... insincere now.

She lifts her head up, looking down at me through lowered eyelids with her hands on her hips as she speaks with her usual haughty voice, "Yeah, well I'm a pretty amazing person," She lowers her head slightly to glare at me. "Football Head."

I take two steps forward, as I speak in utter bewilderment. "But I-I thought you were on your dad's side. I thought you were gonna get rich off the whole deal." I hold my arms up towards her a bit, trying to make her understand my confusion. Something just doesn't click here. This doesn't make sense.

She lifts her head slightly and looks away, her pigtails blowing back from the breeze, "Money isn't everything." She speaks dismissively.

I put my hands on my hips, still looking at her, "Helga, why'd ya do it?" I ask. I have to know. This doesn't make sense. Why would someone who hates me so much, go to all this trouble just to help me? ...And to make sure I don't find out that she went to all the trouble?

Her eyes widen, and she takes a step back, putting her hands up on the concrete railing. "I-I-It's my civic duty." She tells me, looking up a little and raising her right hand up.

Okay, now I'm getting a little peeved. Does she really think I'm gonna believe that? What is she hiding? I narrow my eyes at her, my hands still on my hips as I scold her in a flat, knowing tone, "Helga."

She turns away from me, her pigtail fluttering forward a little so I can't see her face. "Uh-'Cause I love a good mystery." She says this more like a question, like she's asking me if I'll take the bait and leave her alone.

I finally lose my patience and narrow my eyes even more at her, lifting my arms up along with my shoulders as I speak in irritation, "Oh, come on! What's the real reason?!"

She's looking at me as I say this, with her blue eyes looking a little desperate, but also attentive to my actions. Once I've finished, she turns fully to me and looks up with her arms and shoulders up. "Oh!" She then looks at me, her eyes still wide and her arms still up in gesture as she speaks, "I don't know, Arnoldo! I guess maybe I just took pity on you and your stupid friends!" By this point her hands are back on her hips, and she's glaring at me again with one of her usual scowls.

I've calmed down a bit now, and my eyes are no longer narrowed. The backs of my hands are resting on my hips again, but then I raise one hand up as I speak, "Well, why?" I say this without the irritation this time, but simply in my regular voice, wanting to know more. I lower my arm as it's now just resting by my side, and I watch as she walks a little over on the roof, her arms a little up as she speaks, "Be-cause, uh, 'cause I guess maybe I don't hate you as much as I thought, okay?" By this point she's just a little ways away, facing away from me with her arms resting on the concrete railing of the roof, "I guess maybe I-I kind of like you a little. Heck, I-I guess you might even say that I like you a lot."

I blink at all this, and lower my other arm from my hip so it's also hanging at my side. "You do?" I raise my hand up to rest on my chest, "You did this for me?" Okay, I'm still pretty confused here. I'm flattered that she likes me enough to do something like this for me, but...

I see her clench her fists, and then she swings around to face me, leaning over towards me with her arms firmly at her sides, and her eyebrow narrowed at me, "That's right, Hair boy!" She lifts both her hands up and looks down as she speaks for a moment, and then lowers them just as quick, focusing her eyes back on me, "I mean, Criminy! What else are you supposed to do when someone you love is in trouble?!"

Is that a rhetorical question, or am I supposed to... Wait, "Love?"

She suddenly comes forward, leaning into my personal space and pointing a finger towards my chest, and her wide eyes focused soley on mine. I lean back, away from her, as I wasn't ready for her to suddenly come at me. "You heard me, pal! I love you! LOVE you!" As she said that, she jolted forward a bit more, and I lean back more, suddenly feeling myself lose my balance and I swing my arms back and forth to try and stop myself from falling back, but as soon as she jolts again, I fall back instantly and onto the ground.

What the heck is she TALKING ABOUT?!?!

I quickly get off the ground, my back hunched and my arms up a little in case I have to defend myself.

"Who else do you think has been stalking you night and day?!" She's coming towards me again! Oh no! I take a step back, as she takes one forward. What is she talking about stalking for?! She's pointing her finger at me again, and she's coming even more towards me! "Building shrines to you in a closet! Filling volumes of books of poems about you!" By this point she's taking steady steps towards me, and I'm backing away. Who wouldn't?! She's talking about stalking, shrines, and poems! Where was I when all this was happening?!

"I love you, Arnold! I've always loved you! Ever since I first laid eyes on your stupid football head!" She's gripping my hair! She's TOUCHING my hair! What is happening?! What is she talking about?! I wish she'd stop coming towards me! We can talk about this! Just... NOT NOW! But she's still talking! "And from that moment, and every moment since," I can feel myself hit the railing! Oh no! I look behind myself in dread and realize that I'm cornered! I look back at her then, and I can feel myself frowning. "I've lived and dreamed of the moment I could finally tell you my secret feelings and grab you," She is LITERALLY grabbing ME by the ARMS! I feel myself tense instantly at her touch, and I feel completely helpless! She doesn't seem to care though as she continues, "and kiss you and...' Oh NO! She is NOT thinking what I think she's thinking! "Oh! Come here you big lug!" Oh! My! Go-

She lets go of my arms, but then she grabs me again by my shoulders and neck and pushes me forward! AH! Her lips. Are. On. MINE! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

I tense instantly, and my heart is going a million miles an hour!!! I can't breath! I can't think! She's still kissing me! She's MOANING! WHAT THE HECK?!

I'm pushing against her with everything I have... and that includes my lips. I know it must look like I'm kissing back, but it's all instinct! I need her to get OFF! My eyes are still open, and extremely wide! I think my pupils are dilating! This is not GOOD! My pulse is quickening! There's lightning going all throughout my body! There's this intense heat in the pit of my stomach and it's traveling throughout my arms, neck, and even my legs! I don't like it! What is going on?!?!

I think my hat just flew off! I can't feel it anymore! All I can feel is her lips! My hands are on her arms and they're starting to feel like jelly! I have to make this STOP! It's all very uncomfortable! My brain is faltering! My breath left me as soon as her lips touched mine! My heart is beating so fast that I'm afraid it might beat out of my chest! My lips are forming around hers perfectly and I can't... what... where... NO!

I close my eyes, and with all the strength I can gather I push her away. Our lips make this little snapping sound once they've parted. Her arms are gripping my arms, and mine are doing likewise. I don't know what to think right now. "I'm confused," I speak, staring at her, "Did you just say you... love me?"

She narrows her eyes at me, and I can feel her grip on my arms tighten. She's shaking me! AH! "What are you?! DEAF?!" I almost wish I was. Then I wouldn't have heard anything she just said! Then I'd still be naive, and free, and not... not feeling so weird right now!

"Arnold!"My walky-talky sounds from my belt, and I look down at where the sound came from.

Helga grabs it from my belt and scowls at it. "Not now!"

"Not now? Who the..." She throws it over her shoulder carelessly, and then directs her attention back at me. Oh great! She has that look again! "Oh, Arnold!" What?! "Just hold me!" Oh NO! She comes at me, her arms open wide, and I tense, then quickly bounce down and away from her. I'm a little aways now, my arms leaning back on the railing as she looks over at me, her arms embracing the air that was almost me. I'm having some trouble processing all this. "I-I, I-I-I need to think." I look away, unable to look her in the eye anymore. They're too blue, too glowing, too desperate, too... loving. I'm not used to this. I can't handle this. Not now.

She comes at me again, and I lean back once again. Her hand comes to the back of my neck gently, lovingly, and her other hand grips my arm gently also as she speaks in about the softest voice I've ever heard, "Yes, I suppose you'll have to do the thinking for both of us now, Darling." DARLING?!?! Where did THAT come from?!

OH NO! She's leaning forward again! She's puckering her lips! I tense at the sight of it, and I lean back as far as I can until I quickly bounce myself down and away from her again. I'm back in my previous spot now, my hands gripping the railing behind me. "Woa. This is all happening too fast. I feel-I feel dizzy." I close my eyes as I feel my head spinning. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I just... I just... "I need to lie down." I put my arm over on the other end of the railing, and put my head in my hand as I look down, my head still reeling.

She comes at me again, her hands gripping my head sweetly as she speaks, still in that gentle, loving tone, and her blue eyes looking down at me adoringly, "Wonderful! I'll go with you."

As soon as that leaves her lips I feel myself jolt, my arms instantly pushing her away from me by her shoulders. "NO!" I realize my actions, and I don't want to hurt her in any way, so I tense again, and close my eyes tight with my head tilting slightly down now. I feel her move her hand a little further down my arm, and it sends a funny feeling tingle up my spine, which only makes me close my eyes tighter. "I mean..." I need some way to change the subject. I need some kind of excuse. I don't want to break her heart... I care about her. So I look down at my watch, as I speak. "There's no time for that. We've got twenty minutes to get back to the neighborhood before the bulldozers roll!" I'm gripping her arms again, gently this time as I don't want to hurt her. She's still looking at me, in some kind of lovesick daze it seems, as she speaks, still soft and light, and it makes my heart flutter a little, "Bulldozers...?"

I need to snap her out this... this... whatever this is quick, before we lose more time... or she tries to kiss me again. "Helga," I go a little forward, and boldly push her off completely by the arms. "the neighborhood. We have. To save. The neighborhood." I tell her in a firm tone, successfully getting her attention it seems. "Come on!" I reach for the grapeling hook in my belt, and point it at her. "Let's roll."

She looks down at the grapeling hook with wide eyes, and then back up at me. "I, um, I think I'll just take the stairs." She smiles at me, and then turns around, already beginning back towards the door.

I grab her arm and turn her around towards me. "There's no time!" I hook the hook onto the railing firmly and get a good grip on the rope. I face the railing, and look at her over my shoulder, my back hunched slightly. "Hop on."

"W-What?" She asks me, her hand up slightly in front of her cheek as she looks at me, and her other arm slightly up too.

I turn a little more towards her. "Helga, get on my back, and hold on."

She narrows her eyes a little at me, and puts her hands on her hips. "You don't really expect me to-"

"Helga." I narrow my eyes at her a little. She needs to come with me. She can't just go down the stairs. She said it herself, there are guards down there. If she goes, she'll get caught. No, that's not happening on my watch.

She blinks at me, and hesitantly takes a step forward. I feel her put her arms around my middle and hold fast.

I climb up onto the railing, and she lets out a small squeak, wrapping her legs around me too then. I turn a little, and I feel her grip tighten even more. I hop down a little, and she yelps, but I calm her but looking over at her from my shoulder. I give her a determined look, and her wide, blue eyes just blink at me. I turn my attention back to the task at hand and start making my way down the building, and closer to the ground.

She doesn't let out another sound, and I let myself fall a little further down the building, past a large window. I can hear her make some kind of farting sound, but I ignore it and focus on what I'm doing.

I place my feet firmly against the building, and bounce a little further down. I repeat this process a few times until we both jump a little and let go of the rope. I grab up my hat as we run over to the bus stop.

I don't know what to think of anything that just happened right now... but I can't think about it right now.

We've got a neighborhood to save.

A/N: I cannot even begin to tell you how fun this was for me to write. XD

I do hope you enjoy this as much I did. :D

:D And always remember, kids...

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