Warning: This fanfic is Hades rated ER for Extra Rude. Contains Cinderella spoilers.
MEGARELLA!!!!!!
The Museum, at night. All is locked up, quiet and secure. Hades, Lord of the Underworld, steps off of his black and orange vase {a reallynice big one}and hops down to the floor, morphing into human size and, with a wave of his hand, appearing in regular human dress of the late 20th century. He calls out.
Hades........Hercules!!! Babe...are you there??!!?
A marble statue of Herc and Meg entwined in a kiss comes to life.
Hercules{in mid smooch} Leave us alone. We're busy! Whatta ya want??!!
Hades........Babe, bottom line, broad strokes, we need to confab pronto ASAP.
Hercules.....Huh???
Hades......I need to speak to you. Like... Now-ish.You get my message???
Hercules...Oh... all OK, Ok...we'll be right there!!!!
{Herc grabs Meg in his arms and leaps off of his shelf with a slight clatter}
Hades........Ssshhhushh! don't wake up the schwartzes!!!
Hercules.......the ...who???who you mean....oh....The Muses!!??
Hades.......yes... them, don't wake them, don't get me wrong, great buncha gals, but the last thing I need now is five crazy black broads singing their brains out at the top of their lungs, this deal is on the QT, ad hoc, top priority and on a strictly need to know basis....
Hercules...What's with the mortal getup??
Hades........Do ya love it?? I'm glad you asked. I've taken on the role of "Californian animated cartoon producer," and this is how they dress... I think.
Megara....Suits you. Casual, yet slightly sleazy. In a charming kind of way.
Hades.......Thankyou, my dear. {Hades leans over and kisses her hand gallantly, but ruins the effect by running a forked tongue down her wrist} "MMMmmm......Delicious!!!"
Megara{ flinching}....YUCK!!!
Hercules{snarling}....Hades!!
Hades......Sorry, sorry, force of habit. Call it a weakness for gorgeous ex-minions.... My sincere apologies.{or ...as close as I can come to that}..welcome.... I was afraid you were'nt going to make it for a moment!!
Hercules...Well... I do recall you said it was an important secret meeting to which all the key members of the Herc movie and TV world were invited...but I could'nt convince too many people to show up...in fact...no one..except Icarus, of course....He always did have fascination for lost causes....
Megara......That's because Icarus IS a lost--
Hades......No, no, no, don't say it!! It's too easy!!!
Hercules{grinning}.......Icarus!! arya out there, Buddy???
Icarus comes alive off of a plate on a shelf and flys down to land accidently in a vase. He climbs out clumsily and flies down to the floor, crashing into a heap at Hade's feet.
Hades.....Ah ...and here he is.....your sturdy, loyal, issue-laden and fairly incompetant sidekick...welcome, Creepshow!!
Icarus{ straightening out his feathers} ....That's MR. Creepshow, to You!!!
Hades......ah..yes....Icarus...forgive me...my dear little Icarus.....the "Jar Jar Binks" of Disney animation!!!!!
Icarus{tossing his hair}....You can't insult me. I don't expect to be understood in my own time!!
Hades......I'll take That bet...........So... all alone, I see?? ....where's your...uh..."bitter half??"...where's the ubiquitous "Cassie Lassie??"
Icarus....She had a vision last night that today's meeting would be a complete disaster!!! Plus, she said something about ..what was it now?? ..something something something..... "cleaning the tile grouting in the Vomitorium with her tongue...."
Megara...Ya know...there's something about that girl I like!!??!
Hades......Ah!! I see, well, no doubt you will fill her in on the particulars........Pain, Panic, get a little something for our guests, make with the libations....and don't be stingy with the ambrosia!!!
{Pain and Panic dispense refreshments}
Megara {staring into her glass.}......There's a worm... in my drink.....
Hades......I know! Is'nt it great?!? Had them flown in special for this meeting. Nothing's too good for my cast-mates!!
Megara..... Uh...Thankyou.
Icarus{smacking his lips}....De-Lish!!! Can I have another ?!!??
Megara..... You can have mine!!
Herc..........Uh...me too...I'm...a ......cutting back on worms this week. Hades....can we get down to "bronze tacks" here???
Hades......Yes yes, of course, of course.....I've called you all here today to discuss an egregious oversight that I'm sure cannot possibly have escaped any of you. {Looks at Hercules.} Well...most of you.
Herc..........Very funny.
Icarus.....I'm agog with anticipation.
Hades......Ok, what I wanted to discuss with you guys is the status of the Herc franchise regarding the Studio's long range plans...and the situation is bad, gentlemen.......very... very bad. In fact, it could'nt be worse.
Hercules.....How bad???
Hades....."Teacher's Pet....The Movie" bad.
Icarus......Oh Gods No!!!!!!!
Hades......I'm afraid so....The fact of the matter is, our film and our series have been elaborately overlooked when it comes to sequels, marathons, website activity, specials and new merchandise, and as a result, the fans are gettin' 're runnin' on fumes, People.
Herc..........So???
Hades......So ....I am aiming to rectify this situation.!!!
Megara .........Sounds painful.....
Icarus ...........But intriguing!!!
Hades......what I mean to say is....We need to upgrade our need a breakthrough concept in order to expand the fan base and get back on the map!!
Herc{scratching his head} We were never On the map!!!
Icarus .........Yeah... Hades, he's gotta point....I mean....just what do you think you can do about it?? Obviously not that many people can connect with Greek mythology. And our particular brand of Herc humour, which celebrates the irony of the human condition and is derived from juxtaposing modern cultural references against an ancient world context has failed to find favor with the typical Disneyloving cognescenti!!
Entire Cast ........HUH???
Icarus ............Everyone thinks we suck.
Hades{ whirling around in an explosion of boiling steam}......You are Correct, Sir!!!!! But..... that doe'snt Have to be the case!!
Herc..........Hades, if you don't click with an audience, there's nothing in the Cosmos you can do about it. {Believe me, I know!!!!} I mean .......it's not like you can make people like you....I mean........ ya can't go around pulling their teeth out one at a time and forcing them to want something.......
Hades{resting chin on hand}........You don't know me very well, do you??.. {But, I digress.} The point I'm trying to make here, is.....that I think if we partnered together on something I have in mind we could put a whole new spin on the Herc market!!.....
Herc..........So..... you want US..... to collaborate with... you!!??..uh....no offense but You're not exactly my first choice for a business associate, Hades.
Hades......and...just why, pray tell, would be the reason for such cynical and unwarrented suspicion??
Herc.........WHY??? WHY???...gee....hmmmm....Maybe because the first thing you ever did when we met was to jam a spiked pacifier in my kisser??? I think the relationship.... went downhill from there.
Hades.....Oh Herc, you're exaggerating!!
Herc.........Exaggerating!!?? Oh...... just a sec here!! You had me kidnapped.... and poisoned.... and tried to exile me from my family.... forever!!!! You tried to destroy me or my Dad on a daily basis through foursolid years of highschool!!
Icarus....and friends!! He was mean to your friends, too!!!! {To Meg} He stepped on my foot once and never said he was sorry!!
Hades.....It was character building!!!
Herc........Character....BULL!!! You plotted to overthrow the Cosmos, you manipulated and blackmailed Megara and you tried to trap us both in a River of Death for eternity!!!!!!!!
Hades.....Boy, you just can't get over that one, can you????
Herc....No, I can't. Call me small minded and petty if you will, but your track record is just too loathsome--
Hades....Stop!! Now just stop right there. I won't have you dissing me and my Realm...You're gonna give the Underworld a bad name!!
Herc.......I already HAVE a bad name for the Underworld!!!{ Gets up to leave}
Hades{swirling rapidly across the room and getting between the door and Herc}.....
Hercules!!! My dear dear dear nephew, you cut me to the quick!!!...Co'mon!!!we're Related!!! We're Family!! We're Blood!!!
Herc....no actually, we're Ichor.......
Hades.....Hey!!and ya know what they say!!!! "Ichor is Thicker ......than water!!!"...So... let's forget about our past differences.........let's Bury the hatchet!!'
Herc.....uh...yeah...... right. In "Who??"
Hades.....Babe, ya got me all wrong . Leave us not quarrel..... It's so de'classe...c'mon, you know this constant bickering between us is getting us nowhere......it makes us look bad in front of our inferiors {glances at Icarus}...... gets me up early, gets you up early....hey!! look....it all just boils down to a matter of trust.....
Herc......Hades, that's the problem!!!I don't trust you any further than I could throw you!!
Icarus......ah...Herc, Buddy........bad could throw him .....pretty darn far.
Hercules.....Ok, fine....then.... Hades...here's my response...... take a short walk off a long pier!!
Icarus.....uh, Herc.....
Hades........and the legend lives on!!!just think... this guy graduated from Prometheus Academy, folks...the most prestigious school in all of ancient Greece!!! HA!!! That was money well spent!!!
Icarus....Herc.....metaphors were never your thing. Why don't you just break his face????
Hercules{flexing his fist}....It's tempting.
Hades....Please !! such violence!!! listen....just hear me out....OK??... our problem, as I see it, is with image. The key to any Disney blockbuster is the heroine,OK?? and that's where we run into trouble. I 'm talkin' about a certain someone here..... right here at Disney, a certain young lady who's incredibly talented, drop dead gorgeous, face of a goddess with a body that won't quit.....but she's saddled with this .....tough-gal-hard-as-nails-image and everyone considers her a total slut.....
Icarus....Lindsey Lohan???
Hades....No!!! you little idiot, I'm talking about Megara!!
Herc.....Uh...huh....and what certain evil cold calculating ruthless manipulative sleazebag will stop at nothing to exploit her with no thought at all except for his own personal gain????
Icarus....Lindsey Lohan's Dad!!
Hades....Wrong again, Shortstuff!!! The answer to that question that would be..... ME!!! But.... I'm doing this for the whole gang!!!! and I'm Not out to exploit anyone{surprise surprise} and if you listen to me for once just Might see it my way.....
Megara .....Ok, ok, OK!!!if it will shut you up....just get on with the big secret....by the way, Hades? there's vermin in my dressing room.
Hades......Babe, that's not vermin......Those are your co-stars.
Megara .....My....co-stars???
Hades.... Yeah....I'm getting to that...they were in there to surprise you, they're all the mice and birdies that appear in the 1950 blockbuster Disney classic...Cinderella!!!!
Megara .....Oh!!...oh..ah...I see...um...Ok....I was wondering why they were all wearing little pants.....Damn....will you excuse me a second????{whips out cell phone }......Yes....Hello??? SpeedyKill Exterminators??? I'd like to cancel that last appointment??..
Hercules....What were the mice and birdies doing in her dressing room to begin with???
Hades.... I'm just getting to that....right.......here's the pitch.....Meg, Babe..---what if.....we could get YOU recast as "Cinderella??"in the upcoming DVD sequal release??...now don't answer me right away, just think about it, ok??...I mean, I'm just putting it out there.....ya know.......just for shits and giggles----
Megara.......Well, just for shits and giggles, put it back in!!!!
Hercules.....You've ....got to be kidding me.
Hades....No!! no I am On the level!!{for once!!!}..I am DEAD serious...
Icarus....whoa...That.... is Really serious.
Hades{expanding on his idea}...I can see it all now!!! Walt Disney Pictures Presents....."MEGARELLA!!!..."
Hercules....That's ridiculous!!! You're not sucking my wife into some evil scheme again, Hades, we've been down this road before, I mean, how stupid do you think I am???!!!
Icarus....Herc, quit while yer ahead.
Hades.....Herky!!! Herky Perky Poo!!!!!!....this is 125% on the level!!....all I'm asking is, you let your scrumptious wifykins here try out for the part!!! She's a natural, a great little actress....hey, who knows that better than me????
Hercules....But Megara is So not...... "fairy tale princess!!!"
Hades.....Only cause yer not thinking outside the box, Babe. All she's gotta do is get into the character. Think Big, BE BIG, Babe!!!!!
Meg......Oh, jeez...... let me outta here....it's been a real slice, Hades....
Hades......No, No, wait!!!!....Ya gotta see it all now...... Picture this ...Vaguely 19th century fairy tale setting...lovely old chateau... yer Mom's kicked the bucket, OK?? she's wrong side of the grass??? and yer wealthy Dad remarries a super bioche who nags him into an early grave......and yer now the stepdaughter of a cruel manipulative post-menopausal woman and her two butt-ugly teen daughters who take out their petty frustrations and jealousy by making you scrub floors and do the laundry while they bankrupt the family fortune....
Meg{exchanging glances with Herc}........Uh huh.....
Hades{whirling around the room in a frenzy}.....You're at the bottom of the household food chain and your market share is nil. You wear rags, live on scraps and sleep all the way upstairs in a tiny unheated attic room with nothing but vermin...er... cuddly household pests... for company and friendship. You talk to yourself a lot. You sing out the windows!!You have long conversations with the furniture and dream of a day when a handsome Prince will sweep you off your feet and take you away from it all!!!
Meg.....You've..... GOT to be kidding me.
Hades.....No, no, see, you're real unhappy and one day they announce that there's this shindig, some big major ball type deal going on at the palace and you don't get to go because you have to spend too much time getting your ugly sisters ready.....
Meg...."Uh...huh......."
Hades.........and they all charge off to the ball dressed to the hilt while you're left all alone in the attic, a poor sad pathetic wretch, sobbing your heart out in a heap of rags and misery!!
Meg........Ex-Cuse me. "Hello. My name is Megara. Have we met????"
Hades.......Stay with me on this..... OK....your pathetic blubbering brings your Fairy Godmother out of the blue to grant you your fondest wish......
Meg....That's very good of her..... where the fuck has she been all this time?!!!??
Hades... Don't get me sidetracked. She's here now to make sure your dearest wishes come true......
Meg....Does that include burning down the whole chateau with everyone inside!!??
Hades.....Nice touch, but no. She's going to fix it so you can go to the ball in style, meet the Prince, get married and spend the rest of your life rubbing it in your family's face.
Meg........well, Now yer talking!!!
Hades......So...bippidi boppidi boo, with a wave of her wand she transforms you from kitchen drudge into Ultimate Disney Fairy Tale Prince Bait. Here...I've had the Art Department do a mock up poster for you.......{it was no trouble, they're not too busy these days.....}
Meg{getting up to leave}...I think you've been inhaling too much brimstone!!
Hades...No no No don't leave!!! I've invited the whole cast of Cinderella over here for negotiations.....we're having a power , except for Cinderella herself.
Hercules.....And where, pray tell, is Cinderella in all this??!!!?
Hades......Oh she's unavailable at the moment.... I got her a deal doing some print work for Manalo Blanik.....seemed perfect... she'll be outta here for awhile.....at least until we can get some contracts signed...and she took Fairy Godmother with her...
Hercules.....How..... can you even think this could be possible?!!!??
Hades...Hakuna Matata, Babe, just remember, "Your Heart is a Wish a Dream makes!!!"
Hercules...........no...that's wrong....I think it's ....."A Wish is a Dream Your Heart makes!!"
Icarus.......Oh no, no no, I got it!! I got it!!!! it's ...."A Dream is a Heart Your Wish makes."
Meg........Wanna know what I'm wishing right now??
Hades.....OK, so Cindy's is out of the picture, and that just left one little problem.......but I've dealt with it already.....see....in order to achieve this goal we had to remove a certain impediment....
Hercules......and what would that be???
Hades.....Not what, but who.......and by "who" I mean the only young adult male Disney hero that's duller than you, my lad.......Prince Charming!!!
Hercules......Prince Charming???
Hades.....Yes.....he was'nt too happy about switching leading ladies but he won't be bothering us for awhile.......
Hercules....what..... you got him a deal, too??
Hades.....Unfortunately.... no....there is'nt a lot of call for an emasculated Prince with an unhealthy foot fetish who stands around not doing anything in particular....well... except in England, and they already got one, right?? Baddabing!!!......
Hercules.......What have you done with Prince Charming!!???!!!
Hades.....Let's just say..... I made him an offer he could'nt refuse!!
Hercules......Hades!!!! did you kidnap Prince Charming and consign him to an Eternity of Damnation and hell fire in the depths of Tartarus ?!!!!!??
Hades{staring down at his sandals}.....Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........................Yes
Hercules......Bad god!!! Naughty god!!!You're a Very very bad, bad god!!!!....
Hades.....Hey!!!! I figured he needed a break. Sure, he'd done some good work, and we'll always remember him, but he's been around for a looooong while, really worn out his welcome, ya know??? ..... time for him to get away from Hollywood!!
Hercules......That's what you said about the Smurfs!!!!!! and they have'nt been seen since!!!
Icarus......He damned the Smurfs to the Underworld.....wow....that's cold.
Hades.....Hey!!! They had it coming!! Evil immoral dirty little lowlifes!!!
Hercules......The Smurfs???How do ya figure??!!!?
Hades.....Oh Please!!!.... tiny village, middle of nowhere, rampant unemployment, sixty Smurfs, ONE Smurfette?!??!! Do the math, Archimedes!!!
Hercules.......... You..... are one sick divinity!
Hades{blushing}..... Thankyou. I try.
Icarus......Ya know I always wondered....if you choke a Smurf...what color does he turn???
Megara{ stares at Icarus for a moment}....So... Prince Charming and the Smurfs are in the same place?!!?....Even I'm having trouble believng you can be that rotten!!!
Hades.....Oh it's not So bad....they're getting the European Plan, no-frills standard treatment.....lava lakes.... sulphur pits....Don Bluth movies......
Icarus........wow...that really IS torture!!!
Hercules.....We seem to have gotten away from the point here.
Hades.....Yes!! yes, back to business!!! Where were we??
Hercules..... Well, personally, I think you're insane....But if you really want to pull this off....you're going to have to convince Lady Tremain and her two daughters.....and they're the bad guys in the film...
Hades.....No problemo, you leave that to me. I can work with these people. I speak their language.
Lady Tremaine comes walking in, flanked by the two ugly stepsisters.
A horde of mice and birdies, led by Jaques and Gus follow her , and make themselves comfortable in various nooks and crannies of the room
Hades.....Lady Tremaine!!!{executing an overly dramatic bow with great flourish. Kisses her hand, and the lace of her sleeve starts to singe. He blows it out}
Oops!! Sorry about that!!!! where was I??? oh yes!!! Welcome, Lady T!!......Wicked Stepmother Ex-Trao-Din-Aire!!....Greetings!! Salutations, hey, I'm so glad you could make it, I love gals like you, you make my job so much easier.....hey!! .anyone ever tell you yer HOT???!!!!!
Lady Tremaine{eyes widening with shock}.....Ex-cuse me?!!!!??
Hades........Yes, yes of course where are my manners??!!...oh!! That's right!!!!I don't haveany!!! HA!!! ok....No, really, ya know, you musta been something way back before electricity......tell me, you ever date anyone out of your own dimension?? you like older men??? and by older I mean like, 1500 to 2500 years or so??? Hey!! is it true what I hear about older women???
Lady Tremaine.........I beg your pardon?!!!!?
Hades........"They don't yell, they don't swell and they're grateful as hell???"
Lady Tremaine{faltering back onto her chaise lounge}..........I...have Never been so insulted...... in all my Life!!!
Icarus........Stick around. He was just getting warmed up!!
Hades........And these must be your two lovely daughters....did'nt catch the name again???
Drizella.....My name is Drizella!
Icarus{to Lady Tremaine}....."Dri..zella.??."...you named yer kid Drizella??....wow....you really Are a cruel stepmother!!
Lady Tremaine eying Icarus.....Get away from me!!!!!
Hades.......That's right, that's right, Dri-zella....hmmmm........sounds like a sinus medication.....and this would be your sister....wait..wait...let me guess now.......Anesthesia.??
Anastasia.......That's Anastasia!
Hades.......Gesundheit!!! Nice to meet you........Say...they were'nt kidding when they cast you two in this film, were they???....someone really worked you gals over with the Ugly Stick!!! no offense, but you any relation to Medusa?? she has two sisters, ya know, I thought maybe there was a connection of some sort.......
Megara.... Real smooth, Hades.
Hades......What can I offer you to drink?? Ambrosia??? Nectar??....a nice morphine drip??
Lady Tremaine....Cognac. Straight.
Hades{ waves his hand with a flourish, a silver tray appears with a steaming goblet of rainbow colored ambrosia, and a cut crystal decanter set of 100 year old cognac. He pours her a drink, and then sits down, patting the place next to sits down, warily and accepts the drink.}
Hades........... Ok, well, is'nt this nice and cosy??
Lady Tremaine....Get to the point, Hades.I don't have all day.
Hades.......Well then, hold on to your cameo, because I'm gonna let you in on the ground floor of a deal that could make us Zillions!!!!
Lady Tremaine....I highly doubt there's anything you could say that would be of any interest to me and my daughters, Hades.....but I'm listening.....
Hades......That's a good villainess!!!Here's the sitch, bottom line, broad strokes......we're interested in getting a bigger piece of the, uh...Disney pie, ergo, Megara here needs to upgrade her image from sexy-threatening-broad-with-all-the-answers to picture-perfect fairy-tale-princess ...ie, helpless, pathetic and needy..ya know, all fluttery and into frilly things......
Icarus....Hey!! I'll do it!! I'm helpless, pathetic and needy!! and I already own the frilly things!!!{in fact, I'm wearing them right now!!!}
Megara, Drizella and Anastasia..............EWWWWWW!!!!
Hercules {elbowing Icarus in the ribs}....Behave yourself!!
Hades......OK, I'm ignoring that....as I was saying....we want Megara to star in the next Cinderella DVD release. And we want your co operation in stabbing old Cinders in the back which, I figure is not a big deal for you since you do it so well on regular basis....
Lady Tremaine{sipping her cognac}....It's no secret I'm not a big fan of my step daughter...but what's in it for me, Hades???
Hades...... Hey!! whatever ya want, ya got. Bigger dressing room?? Bigger chateau?? more servants??? your daughters, the two clockstoppers over here, how about some serious plastic surgery??? I happen to have some pull with Aphrodite and I'm not making any promises 'cause these two gals, wow, they're really tough sledding, if ya know what I mean, but....but.....
Lady Tremaine....I don't see that happening, Hades....why should we be remotely interested in doing you modern Disney upstarts any favors??
Hades......well....Yes... T, I understand perfectly.Nothing personal...its just business..... But I, uh... I do have a bit of leverage... you might be interested in finding out about....
Hercules........Ok, this is Always bad news.....
Icarus........yeah...yeah...the leverage thing is bad.....
Lady Tremaine....what do you mean by ...."leverage??"
Everyone glances at an empty velvet pillow in the corner.
Lady Tremaine....Lucifer!!??!Lucifer!!??! Where's my Lucifer!!!???
Hades{grinning hugely}...Gee....he was here a minute ago......
Lady Tremaine....You dreadful man!!!!! have you loosed that awful Bruno on my beloved Lucifer!???!!!
Hades{ classic sarcastic glance} Bruno??? ....Bruno??? Lady!! we don't need no stinkin'Bruno!!!{ snaps fingers, 210 foot high Cerebus appears in an explosion of steam and flames. All three heads are chewing on Lucifer simutaneously like bubblegum.}
Lady Tremaine screams her head off
Hades...Say the word and Lucifer is right back where he belongs. Well ...most of him, anyway.....
Suddenly, Cerebous'es middle head grabs a hold of Lucifer and gulps him right down, burping happily. Everyone gasps.
Hades{ tapping his front fangs with one claw}...Ok... that.... was'nt supposed to happen........
Lady Tremaine{screaming!!} Lucifer!! My darling pussycat!!How could you!!! Hades, this meeting is OVER!!!! you'll be hearing from my people..... I'm phoning Walt this very moment!!!
Hades......yeah....right....News Flash, Babe, Uncle Walt's been "room temperature" since 1966!!
Chorus of horrified mice and birdies..........Uncle Walt's ......."Dead?!!!?"
Hades........Lemme guess.....You've been in that attic a LOOOOONG time, have'nt you?
Lady Tremaine....Then I'm calling Mr. Eisner!!!
Hercules.....Oh...Madame Tremaine?? Mr Eisner is... no longer Chairman of Disney.... He's .......not around any more.
Lady Tremaine...Where did he go???
Everyone looks at Hades
Hades {looking exasperated}........Well... don't look at me!!!..... I don't have him..... yet......Hey!! what makes you guys so suspicious, anyway??
Megara....Uh... he's onyour speed dial??
Lady Tremaine{ rising in fury}...That's it!!! We're leaving this instant. I just want you to know you can be expecting a call from my extremely expensive vicious lawyers!!!
Icarus...Is there any other kind???
Hades...Yeah, like I'm afraid of extremely expensive vicious lawyers, I Invented Them, Lady!!!!
Wicked Stepmother flounces off in a huff with her two daughters.
Hercules.....I don't think you should have ticked her off like that, doe'snt look like a real good sport.
Hades...What can I say??? Ya wanna play hard ball, ya gotta learn to pee with the bigdogs!!!
Everyone looks at Cerebous, worriedly
Hades{ watching his erstwhile co-stars disappear}...Fine!! Be that way!!! Good Riddance!!!! We'll take over the parts ourselves!!!!!!! I've always had a little itch to get into showbiz!!! { snaps fingers, and voila, appears as Lady Tremaine herself and then turns to his two minions....}
Hades...Pain, Panic, I always said you two were a real drag!!!! {Zaps Pain and Panic into ugly sisters.} Voila!!!!Not bad!! not bad at all.....in fact, it's something of an improvement!!!!!
Hades......Now, lets see if we can talk turkey with theserodents....
Megara....What makes you think that the Cinderella mice and birdies will deal with Hades, Lord of the Underworld???
Hades......You ever hear of a little thing called a... "Bribe??" Every mouse has their price, Babe. Hey!! even Mickey....and, as I recall, he was one satisfied customer.......Say!!! think we can work the same deal with these guys???....
Icarus.....Nah......Jessica Rabbit doe'snt do that stuff anymore.
Hades......Damn!!!! oh...never mind..we'll think of something.......Jaques!!! Gus!!!! .....pull up some cheese, have a seat......uh...Sorry about the D-Con spray, Megara did'nt know. She's kind of a, what can I say????...a high maintenence...... "indoor kinda gal." But once you get to know her, you'll get along just fine!!
Megara......Why not?? I'm used to working with rats!!!
Jaques{ in a deep, unintelligible grating voice} .... Megarelly!!! .Megarelly!!!zut zut!! zut zut!!!
Hades.......Beg your pardon???
Jaques......Megarelly!!! Megarelly!!! we don' t like!!! she not Cinderelly!! Not a good idea!! zut zut!! zut zut!!!
Hades........Say....what's wrong with this kid's voice??? Whoa, you need a throat lozenge, Pal...... what, you got polyps or something????....Lay off the Camel unfiltereds, Babe.....
Jaques......Want our Cinderelly!! Bad idea!! no like!!Zut zut !!
Hades......Did anyone get that???
Jaques......Want our Cinderelly!! Bad idea!! no like!!zut zut!!!
Hades......Babe...you ever hear of a little thing called grammar??.. Here's a drachma... buy yerself a preposition......{turns to Gus} So.... what's your story, Pal???
Gus.....duh...duh....duh......
Megara......Ya know?? I think you got rid of that cat too soon.
Hades......I think you are correct, Madame. Someone's worked this guy over....this mouse is retarded or something...and he's gonna need a serious diction coach......is the guy who worked with Scooby Doo still available???
Icarus.....uh, no... I think he had a nervous breakdown a couple of years ago....
Gus...We want, duh... Cinderelly back!! duh...duh...duh..duh....
Jaques......No negotiate with villains!! Bring Cinderelly back!! Zut zut!!!
Hades....all right, that's it!!{Grabs Meg's cellphone.} "SpeedyKill Exterminators??? you still have that opening this afternoon???"
Hercules{grabbing the phone from him}....Stop that!!!Hades !! you'd better show a lil more guys are beloved classic Disney characters!!!
Hades.......Lose 'em. They're a drag on the ticket. We'll dig up our own vermin.....OK.... now...Fairy Godmother......Fairy Godmother....who from the Herc world can we get to fill the Fairy Godmother part???
Phys Odipus { suddenly comes alive from off a vase somewhere}......Oh I will!!!! I will....I'd LOVE to be the Fairy Godmother.....in fact, it's the role I was born to play!!!
Hades.......Very funny!!!!!!!
Phys Odipus......No.... I can do it!!! Just give me a chance!!! Please!!!!! I could make All.... your wishes come true!!
Hades......I bet you could.{Turns to Pain and Panic.} Call Atropos, she'll take the gig. And get this three-dollar-bill gym teacher outta here, pronto!!
Phys Odipus...but wait, just give me a chance...I can help her find her inner winner!!!...Please!!!!..{gets hustled off stage by Pain and Panic}
Hades.....OK...what's next?? right!! we will need a leading man!!.and we have'nt forgotten you Herc, you can full the Prince's part.
Hercules.....But ...what do I do, exactly??
Hades......Well.. yer the "Prince of her Dreams." You meet her at the ball, you dance, you schmooze, you have a little nosh at the buffet, yada yada yada, then suddenly she realizes it's near midnight, and runs away before the magic wears off.... you chase her down the steps 'cause for some reason during the last 6 hours you spent with her you forgot to ask her what her name was or where she's from......
Megara....Oh, yeah. He's a keeper!!
Hades......And the only clue you have is a glass slipper that she loses on the palace steps.....
Hercules.....You mean this one?? Herc holds up a palmful of shattered glass.. Sorry, it just kinda broke....
Hades......Oy Vey!!!!!!What were the odds????
Hercules.....Well... why would ANYONE in their right mind make a slipper out of glass, anyhow???
Hades......Great, we'll have to have about a hundred of these on hand...anyway...that's pretty much your gig. See, you find the slipper{manage NOT to break it} and figure out that it's the only clue to her proclaim that you'll marry the first girl who fits in that slipper.
Icarus....My. How shallow.
Hades......So all over the kingdom thousands and thousands of girls are trying on the one same glass slipper to see if it will fit......
Megara.....My. How unsanitary.
Hades......and none do....until.... they come to Cinderella's course, the wicked step mother has her daughters give it a go, but no dice, it's "Bunion City"... And they won't give Cinderella a turn, and to make sure she doe'snt get one they lock her up in her attic room.....
Megara.....So....when do I get to have them killed again????
Hades......But at the last possible moment Cindy does get rescued, she gets her turn, and the Prince himself comes out to the house to try the glass slipper on her tender tootsie!!
Icarus....This is'nt a very busy kingdom, is it???
Hades......You propose marriage on the spot, she accepts, and you take her back to the palace where you marry and live happily ever after, yada yada yada.
Megara.....Then I get to have them killed!???!!!
Hercules.....Uh....speaking of killing... ....don't I get to kill anything???.I AM a Greek warrior, ya know.
Hades......The only thing you kill is attention spans, Babe, but that's Ok, this is Meg's show. We're gonna make her a Star!!!!
Hercules.....Can I at least destroy one big fire breathing dragon?? C'omon....I'm a hero, I have Rescue Needs!!
Hades......Nope. Been done before. Prince Philip slew the dragon.
Hercules.....How about I destroy an evil....sea witch??
Hades......Same deal. Prince Eric beat ya to it.
Hercules.....a big fat cobra??
Hades......Aladdin.
Hercules.....an Asian homocidal maniac???
Hades......Mulan.
Hercules...How about a cruel religious fanatic??
Hades......Quasimodo.
Hercules....Heavily armed, narrow-minded Elizabethans?!!??
Hades......John Smith.
Hercules.....Giant huge squid thingy!!??
Hades......Sinbad.
Hercules{in evident desparation}...early 20th century mad demonic Russian monk on the verge of destroying a nation!!??
Hades......Dmitri.
Hercules......Gigantic stone robot jaguar that inexplicably comes to life!!!??
Hades.....Sorry. Tulio and Miguel.
Hercule { resignedly}Wow..... this is one boring gig.........Ok..ok...I'll put on her darn shoe. Sheesh!! For this I trained 5 years with Phil???
Hades.....OK....That fascinating bit of trivia is settled.....now .what do we use for a coach???
Megara.....Um....you'll need a pumpkin.
Hades.....a pumpkin?? fine....we'll use two pumpkins....make it a stretch limo.....hmm..what's a pumpkin, anyway??
Hercules.......It's a vegetable from the New World, has'nt been discovered yet. I can go get one on Pegasus for you. It will only take a few minutes.
Hades.....Well...hey...never mind, screw it, we can use an olive... Places olive on ground and everyone looks at it.
Icarus.....I don't think that's gonna be big enough for all of us.
Hades.....You moron!!! You're seeing it before I do the "bippidi boppidi boo bit".....all right, stand back everybody!!!...."Abra... Cadeaver!!....Bibbiti....Boppiti...BOO!!! makes a fist, hurls fireball at olive and Bamm!!!! it grows 100 thousand times bigger and becomes a huge elaborate emerald green enameled carriage on gold wheels, with beautiful red velvet upholstery{ that was the pimentoe}
Hades.....How's that for classy transportation!!??.Um....ok... we need a footman...someone short...somebody who'se a real pipsqueak.....a really runty, undergrown type...Icarus!! you little windsock, come here, you'll do, you're nice and scrawny!!
Icarus.....Diminutive, Hades.... The word is Diminutive.
Hades.......OK, Creepshow, have it your your diminiutive butt over to the olive.
Icarus.....But I don't want---Aaahhhyeeee!!!!
Hades zaps Icarus, turns him into a footman in full dress uniform to drive the olive coach.
Icarus{ admiring his new uniform}....Hey!! this.... is'nt too bad!!! ...this is'nt too bad at all!! In fact...this is Lots better than being a platypus!! Nice uniform, and I get to keep my genitals!!!
Megara{cringing}...That was wayyyy too much information!
Hades.......Ok... horses, horses, we need something to pull this thing, where did all that vermin get to???
Hercules....Don't you remember??? You insulted them and they ran off.
Hades.....Well.... we'll just have to--
Suddenly, Hermes the Messenger god comes zooming by and whips out a scroll
Hades.....Hermes!! What are You doing here??? This is a closed session, get lost!!!
Hermes....Reality Check, Kids, guess what nutty bit of info *I* just dug up!!??
Hades.....Well?!!?
Hermes.... It seems the Cinderella sequel is on the story boards already, Babe,they're half way through with it!!!Everyone in the cast seems to have been pulling your chain.....
Hades.....Egad...... I must have Enemies!!!! *&^&$$%#%^&(*&&(*^%!!!!!Pain!! Panic!! what the hell were you up to???
Pain....Oh Gee, Boss, we gotta run....gotta make those crop circles!!
Panic...Yeah ya know a minion's work is never done!!!.......
Hades.....You did'nt update the data base ...DID YOU!!!??!!
Pain and Panic, huddling in terror, and gripping their long skirts.....ah....ah....you would't hit a couple of girls, would you?!!?
Hades.....Try ME!!!!!
Big Angry Explosion!!!!
Pain and Panic now resemble something you scrape off the bottom of your toaster oven
Hercules...OK, well.....that's it then. It's over. Whew...wow... that's 40 minutes of my immortality I'm never getting back!!
Hades.....No, no, no, NO!! it's not over yet, they still havent released Tarzan 4.....Meg, Babe, try on this leopard skin bikini for size....ai chichua chaua!!....you'll look HOT!!
Megara...Hades, you've wasted enough of our time!!!
Hades....Wasted your time?!!? Wasted your.... time?!!!?you *^&%$#MOTHER$%#&**&*%$#---ing INGRATES!!! I'm tearing my flame out here trying to get us back on the map and all you can say is---
Megara... Look, FlameBoy....Read My Lips!!!!!....just ....Drop Dead!!...OK???!
Hades.......Don't tell me how to do my job!!!
{another Big Angry Explosion}
Hades and minions disappear.....the coach goes back to being a little olive, Icarus turns back into being, well, a little Icarus
Icarus{ brushing off his sleeves }.....ah well, that's show biz...anyhoo...I gotta get some major shuteye....Herc, don't forget, you're back in teen mode tomorrow, we have the The Romans...... man, that one always wipes me out....
Hercules{ grinning} You and me both.Yeah, ok, I'll see ya then. Lemme just walk Meg home......
Hades pops up again waving a scrap of material.....
Hades....Meg, Babe, no hard feelings, really, c'mon, ya gotta check out this Jane outfit...I had it done up special with you in mindat Aphrodite's Secret .I call it "The Peekaboo Surprise"...it's a crotchless loincloth!!!"
Megara{ looking in disgust} Uh..there's not too much ...."secret," about it, is there??
Hercules.....doe'snt a crotchless loincloth kinda defeat the whole purpose???
Icarus.....Hey....I'll take it!
Hercules.....You're never gonna get Cassandra to try that on!!
Icarus.....Who said anything about Cassandra? I'llwear it for her!!
Megara.....Ok.....that's replacing the dancing teddy bear skeleton in my nightmare.
Hercules....Try not to to think about it.
FINIT
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