Author's Note: Alright, the Best Puzzleshipping Forum challenged me to write a fic which included the following line "...and then Yugi got fucked by Yami while they were flying on Slifer" which was given by the wonderful Esprit Hikari. This also works off the assumption that Yami Marik was just a dysfunctional part of his personality, so the Marik here is the original Marik. As a warning, this is just an excuse for me to take crazy ideas and run with them as far as I can…in other words pure crack. I apologize in advance for any of you that are offended by this, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone.

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. And, after this, everyone will probably be glad that I don't.

Warning: General bad language, drunkenness, some characters being out of character and mentions of sex.

Thanks to Natoya for betaing.

Dedicated to YamixYuugiLover because it's needed. Hope everything gets better.

"Ah, there's the great Pharaoh." Bakura raised his glass as Yami stumbled into the bar, rubbing his chest. Yami glared at the white haired thief before flopping onto his barstool, burying his head into his hands. Bakura tipped his head to one side before shrugging. "Thought that you wouldn't show up. What did you do? Duel everyone between the shop and here?"

Yami looked up to glare at Bakura when a very drunk Marik appeared from behind Bakura, nearly falling off of his stool as he leaned around the thief. Yami blinked at Marik, thrown off even more as the Egyptian giggled. "Hey Pharaoh."

At a loss of what to do, Yami just waved before turning back to the bar, watching Bakura as the thief pushed a beer towards him. Yami stared at the golden liquid before looking back at Bakura with a raised eyebrow. The thief just shook his head. "Don't worry yourself to death about it, your Highness, I didn't poison it. Ryou would kill me if you suddenly dropped dead…if he could find anything left of me after your pip squeak got done with me."

Yami resisted the urge to knock the lopsided smile off Bakura's face, knowing that Yugi would just yell at him later for it. But his partner just didn't understand; he and Bakura would never get along. Fighting each other had become an ingrained habit. Instead, he took a drink of the beer, staring at the back of the bar. Hopefully he would be allowed to sit here in peace for the compulsory two hours before heading back home.

At the thought of home, Yami winced and rubbed the center of his chest, Bakura immediately picking up on the move.

"So you did fight your way here." The thief raised an eyebrow before taking another drink of beer, Yami shoot him a glare.

"No. Unlike you, I can manage to be civil."

Bakura snorted, but didn't retort, leaving Yami to go back to his comfortable silence that was only broken by Marik's giggles on the other side of Bakura.

He hated these little sessions, most of the time sitting through them in complete silence. But Yugi insisted on them, insisted to the point of kicking him out of the bedroom if further activities would make him late. Arguing with his partner did no good, as Yami had found out today, that was the origin of the bruise that was probably coming into existence on his chest.

"So what did happen, Pharaoh?" Yami jumped at Bakura's voice, glaring at the thief before slumping against the bar.

"What makes you think anything happened?"

"The look on your face when you came in; you looked like someone kicked your puppy." Bakura smiled, Yami having a moment to realize that Bakura smiling was a bad thing before the thief leaned back slightly. "You got kicked out of bed, didn't you?"

He blinked, trying not to blush as he remembered his departure from the Mutou house.

"Mmm, Yami." Yugi moaned his name deliciously as he was pushed back against the door, clawing at Yami's back to try and draw the former pharaoh's jacket from his shoulders. Yugi gave his mission up as a lost cause a few moments later as Yami began to focus on the skin of Yugi's neck, kissing and licking his way down.

Yami growled as he reached the blue pajama top that Yugi wore, angry with himself for missing his chance to get to Yugi in the shower, but his partner had locked the door. Apparently he was becoming predictable. Yugi had even taken his pajamas into the bathroom, depriving Yami of the chance to see Yugi in only a towel.

Even as he mourned the loss of those privileges, Yami took a step back. Yugi slumped forward against him, Yami cradling his partner, shifting his arms so he could lift Yugi off his feet and carry him over to their bed. He laid Yugi out on the covers before crawling over him, his fingers already working on the buttons to the top.

"Don't you…Ah…have…mmm…to go…" Yugi's voice rose an octave as he moaned, Yami smirking as he stroked his hands over Yugi's bare chest, "someWHERE?"

Yami just smirked, leaning forward to kiss Yugi, muttering against his partner's lips. "The only place I have to be is here."

When he pulled back for air, there was a frown on Yugi's face, the teenager trying to think. Yami decided to fix that, lowering his head to begin to kiss down Yugi's neck and onto his chest as Yugi tried to gain some coherency. "Yes, there was something…something…something…"

Yami looked up at Yugi before chuckling and scooting forward, his hands pulling Yugi's top from over his shoulders. He was so caught up in his task and what would follow it that he hadn't seen the suddenly clarity that Yugi gained, the teenager's eyes widening before Yugi abruptly kneed him in the chest.

Yami gave a high pitched whine, falling off the bed and gasping for air, blinking before looking back up at the bed, finding himself looking at a very irate Yugi. "I told you that you weren't going to get out of this."

"But aibou-"

"Don't 'but aibou' me, Yami. I told you that you have to go to these things."

"But aibou…" Yami stopped as Yugi held up a single finger, changing tactics. "We haven't killed each other yet."

"Exactly."

"But we might if you keep making us do this!"

"Yami…"

He knew it was bad when Yugi glared at him, Yami briefly considering his options. Unfortunately, he spoke when he should have remained silent. "Just a quickie."

"GO!"

He ran from the room, considering himself lucky to have escaped from the wrath of his hikari alive.

The thief was still cackling as Yami came out of his reverie, the former pharaoh staring at him angrily before coming up with his retort. "Like you didn't?"

Bakura suddenly went silent, glaring at him. Yami met his glare, their staring match suddenly irrupted by Marik. The Egyptian burst into laughter before falling off the stool he was on, Yami and Bakura glancing down at him, watching Marik writhe on the ground before shrugging and turning back to their drinks, ignoring their friend on the floor.

"At least I wasn't injured. What did you do, trip over your feet bowing to Yugi as you walked out?"

"I got kneed."

Bakura stared at him for a long moment before breaking into laughter, leaning on the bar for support. "I never imagined your pip squeak could do that!"

"Uh-huh." Yami just nodded, taking a drink of his beer and praying to the gods that time would move faster. He swore that these two hours twice a week lasted longer than the time he had spent trapped in the Puzzle, all five thousand years. "I doubt that you got off with less."

Bakura suddenly stopped laughing, Yami smirking to himself. The lapsed into silence again, only turning to watch as Marik clambered back onto his stool, still laughing. From the way things were going, it was going to be a very long two hours.

"So then what happened?" Yami stared at Marik, trying to gather what thoughts he could, but they were all slipping away from him like fish. Shiny fish in a pond. Shiny fish in a pond that tended to disappear rather quickly. Yami spent a minute distracted by his train of thought before shaking his head.

"I won."

"You used Slifer didn't you?" Marik laughed and leaned around Bakura to nudge Yami in the side. "I knew it. He's such a good god. All red and dragon-y and stuff."

Marik slid out of sight again, Yami trying to remember if this was a problem or not. He glanced back up at Bakura, watching as the thief stared off into the distance for a while before laughing at something, turning to look at Yami. The former pharaoh watched the thief try to decide between looking at him and something just beside him. Yami glanced at his side, wondering what Bakura saw. Maybe there was another him, his own mou hitori no ore. Yami glared at the invisible person, hoping that the invisible mou hitori no ore would get lost. He was not going to share Yugi.

"Pharaoh, I remember that story…" Bakura had to stop to gather his scattered thoughts again, swallowing before slowly turning to look at Marik. "And it doesn't just end there. Marik…Marik?"

Yami leaned around Bakura, staring at the empty space where Marik should have been, both of them looking down on the floor where Marik was giggling, waving at the both of them. "The Pharaoh is tall."

Bakura shot Yami a worried look. "Can't grow. Stay short. Like you fun sized."

"Story time 'Kura." Marik hauled himself back onto his seat, facing the wrong way for a moment before turning around to stare at the two of them. "You said you had a story for me. Tell."

"Oh." Bakura leaned forward, trying to whisper to Marik. Unfortunately, he had lost control of how loud he was speaking so Yami could hear him clearly. "They needed to get out of the…the…scary shadowy place thing so they hitched a ride on Slifer."

Bakura turned around and beamed at Yami, the move bringing them nose to nose for a moment before turning around to look back at Marik, who had disappeared again. "And then the pip squeak got fucked by his royal highness while they were flying on Slifer."

The thief burst into laugher, Yami's attention drawn from his own memories to trying to determine if the event actually did happen by Marik's weak shout of outrage. "You violated my baby! Give me back his card, Slifer needs to be with his mommy! He needs therapy!"

Yami was sure that he heard Marik breaking down into tears, but he was probably hallucinating. "So…bonding?"

"Bondage!" Bakura gave him a strange, calculating look. "Always knew you were a kinky bastard, Pharaoh."

"I like leather. It's comfy."

"It smells good." Yami looked down, unsurprised to see Marik nuzzling his shin before letting out a happy sigh, cuddling with his leg. Yami gave a halfhearted wiggle of his leg before just giving up, leaning on the bar.

"It's not like you don't have any sex." Yami was sure that he had meant to say something else, but he wasn't quite sure what that word was supposed to be. He glanced over to his invisible mou hitori no ore, hoping that he would help him. Apparently the other Yami had taken offense to his less than charitable thoughts on the subject of sharing Yugi and had left him. He just hoped that his other self wasn't back at home with Yugi.

He would have to speak to his other self about boundaries.

"Ryou and I do it more than you and your pip squeak. And I bet it's bet-"

"I don't get any at all." They both looked down at Marik at the Egyptian's wail. "Ishizu gets more than me."

Yami opened his mouth to say something before Marik suddenly grabbed the Millennium Puzzle and yanked it down, rubbing his cheek against one of the side of the Puzzle. "Shiny. Like shiny. Shiny makes me happy. Ra is shiny." Marik glanced up at him before poking Yami on the nose. "You used to be shiny too, saw your clothes. Shiny Pharaoh."

Yami was pulled off of his stool as Marik fell to the ground laughing, the former pharaoh looking up at Bakura, the thief continuing on as if Marik had never spoken.

"-and he's all fluffy and cute. Cuddly. Like a kitty or a bunny." Bakura nodded sagely. "Ryou's my little bunny. Like it when his hair is all messed up, makes him look fluffier, more bunny like."

Bakura sighed, obviously going off on a train of thought about his hikari. Yami took the moment to extract himself from Marik's hold, ignoring the whining of the Egyptian as he tried to reach for the Millennium Puzzle again. Yami just glared at him before sitting down, Marik pouting as he sat back up. "You must like mirrors."

"What?"

"Nares…Nerotics…Nubia…Narcissistic." Marik nodded. "That's what you are. You love yourself."

Yami blinked, staring at Marik. "But I love Aibou."

"That's different." Marik cursed and stood up, leaning against the bar, tapping Yami's chest and hitting the sore spot every time. "I'm watching you, Pharaoh."

The Egyptian stumbled back to his seat, only to slip off it a few moments later. Marik must have found something on the floor because Yami heard him exclaim, "Shiny!" and the sounds of a rolling coin and giggling followed.

"You must have something that the pip squeak doesn't know about." Bakura tipped his head to the side, almost falling off the stool as his entire body nearly followed him. "My bunny doesn't know about him being a bunny. Sh, it's a secret."

Yami nodded before shrugging. "Don't know."

"Has to be something."

"Not gonna tell."

"Don't be mean."

"I'm Pharaoh. I can do what I want." Yami paused for a moment before running back over his words. "I can do what I want if Yugi says so."

"My bunny won't let me do things." Bakura pouted. "A man's gotta do things, you know?"

"Like?"

"Like…like…steal things." Bakura seemed to be confused by the question. "And kill Pharaohs and resurrect evil gods. Real men stuff."

"Never done that."

"Not a real man then."

"Am too."

"Are not."

"I lost my nickel!" Marik scrambled past them on his hands and knees. "I lost Melvin! He was my best friend!"

Yami and Bakura ignored him, returning to their glaring contest. The thief finally broke off eye contact and took a drink. "You're such a girl, Pharaoh. I bet you like it when Yugi tops."

Yami blushed at that, turning away. He heard Bakura laughing and Marik cheering, probably because he had found his nickel. Bakura leaned forward, overbalancing and ending up talking to Yami's knee. "So you do. Have you told him this?"

"I-"

"Steve!" They both jerked back as Marik appeared again, beaming with a handful of change. Yami stared at the two nickels and the many pennies, watching as Marik pointed them out. "This one is Melvin and Florence and then the rest are named Steve. Together they rule the world!"

Marik disappeared from sight again, reappearing on the other side of them again, looking thoughtful with his handful of change. "If I could fuck any trading card…I would do Ra. He's shiny."

"That's stupid. Zorc is obviously-no." Bakura swayed in place with a smile on his face. "I would totally do Change of Heart, because it looks like my bunny."

Yami knew that something was wrong with that, staring at the bar before he shrugged it off. "Dark Magician…because he looks like Yugi."

"No he doesn't! That was one time!"

"Change of Heart looked like Ryou once! It doesn't count!"

"Does too."

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Don't do it, Steve! Don't jump!" Marik lurched forward in an attempt to catch one of his pennies.

"Chose another!"

"Fine. Silent Magician."

Bakura stared at him before nodding slowly. "That staff is impressive."

"That's not why."

"…he reminds you of Yugi."

"Yes."

"Doesn't he have…" Bakura gestured with a hand, raising it up and down before shrugging. "Growth spurts? So what growth spurt?"

"All of them?"

"Pervert!"

"Am not!"

"You like small things!"

"Yugi is small and cute and cuddly!"

They stared at each other for a moment more before they both agreed to take another drink. It was a while before they felt they could talk again, Marik and his army of coins suddenly fascinating. It was after the tenth attempt by the Steves to take over the folded napkin that they returned to talking.

"I once had sex in your sarcophagus."

Yami blinked and stared at Bakura. "Really? 'Cause I did too."

"Which girl?"

"Um…" Yami wracked his memory but came up with nothing helpful. "She had long white hair…"

"Come to think of it, the girl I screwed had hair all…spikey and such…or maybe it was something else."

Yami felt that he should have been set on edge by this. He was about to ask Bakura about this when the Steves suddenly went into their mating season, more pennies suddenly being brought up from the floor.

"I bet it was that Tèa look alike."

"No. Wasn't." Yami gestured to his chest, trying to convey the concept that slipped his mind, failing utterly. "Less boobs."

"Ah." Bakura nodded before shooting him a sidelong look. "What would it get you to screw Tèa?"

Yami was about to yell at him when Marik attracted their attention again. "Kaiba's dragon is bigger than mine! Damn that Kisara…all three of her."

"So?" Bakura ventured the question after Marik was a sobbing mass on the floor, surrounded by his army of Steves, Melvin and Florence.

"If it was the only way to save Yugi. And only then."

"Really?" Bakura seemed to consider this before shrugging. "Clone the pip squeak then. It's not worth it. I might have to kill you after that."

"Thank you. I would need that." Yami glared at the bar, trying to find a suitable question to torment Bakura about. The Tèa question had been just wrong. "What about Marik?"

"What about him?"

"You and him."

"Last week."

"What?"

Bakura counted on his fingers before nodding. "Yeah, last night."

At Yami's confused stare, Bakura shrugged. "Ryou likes to mix it up a bit. He's a kinky little bunny."

Seconds later, Marik decided that everyone in the bar should have their own personal Steve army so they could have extensive battles. Yami became too occupied to think about anything else for a while.

"Yami?"

"Ow." He groaned and threw an arm over his eyes, trying to move his aching head to see Yugi. His partner smiled and rested a hand on his cheek.

"Hangover?"

"Yes."

"I'll get you something for that." Yugi kissed his cheek before moving out of the room, Yami trying to gather his thoughts from the night before. He could remember bits and pieces, like walking into the bar and being humiliated by Bakura and walking home with Marik. He very specifically remember Marik naming every bird that they saw Mr. Tweetums and demanding that they join his army.

He also remembered trying to hurry Marik along, under the strange impression that there was another version of him at the shop having sex with Yugi.

It was the middle that was fuzzy. He thought they had discussed sex at least once and rabbits. He was also sure his sarcophagus was mentioned, although he was unsure why that brought up the image of a flat-chested, white haired girl. He at least knew that he had started up another empire of Egypt with his army of Steves in the form of peanuts.

Yami attempted to look up as Yugi walked into the room, his hikari smiling sweetly before pushing him to lie back down. "Easy now."

He accepted the painkillers and took a couple of sips of water, Yugi staying beside him. "I'm proud of you, Yami. You managed nearly a whole night without killing Bakura. Thank you."

"Welcome."

Yugi shifted, sliding back under the covers so he could cuddle with Yami, something that Yami was grateful for. He leaned back into Yugi's embrace with a happy sigh, feeling Yugi kiss the back of his neck. "So, what did you guys talk about?"

"Uh…" Yami swallowed, deciding to go with the one thing he knew was true. "World domination."

He felt Yugi shift for a moment before his partner sighed. "Typical."

Please read and review. Constructive criticism is welcome.