"What is it like, Noel? Being on it?"

The question had been there in his mind for months, but Julian hadn't dared ask it out loud until now. Now, when they were laying in the dark together, after Noel had come home at 3:00 am rubbing anxiously at his face and swearing that he was going to give up the drug for good, if only for the sake of Julian's and his relationship; now, after they had fucked, hard, if only to relieve some of Noel's coke induced energy.

"It's like a – " he hesitated, choosing his description carefully, not wanting to put the wrong thoughts in Julian's head. "It's like finding out you just got a contract for your show after just doing the best performance of your life and you want to tell everyone in sight about every part of it all it once."

Muscles twitching a little, he paused to check himself, curb inconvenient temptation.

"It's like being invited to a party after the party, that only the million dollar elitists get to go to. But it's never enough while it's happening, and when it's over, you feel…wrong. And a bit desperate, if there isn't any more to take. Sometimes it's kind of scary, I guess, so I usually start drinking to avoid the comedown."

Julian considered this intently, attempting to envision the feelings Noel described, to grasp the aspect of Noel's life that he had always remained distanced from, but he didn't think that he was getting it right.

He reached out, uncertain of new territory.

"I could try it with you."

The words hung heavy in the air, unanswered, for several minutes.

"You know, if you wanted," he added tentatively.

"No, Juli. No," Noel finally replied. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do that for me. Ever."

"But maybe it could help, you know, us." He pressed. "I could go out with you more often. Spend more time with you. We could be closer, all the time.

"Please don't ask me for that." Noel's voice shook.

Julian sighed and stared at Noel through the darkness, not understanding his double standard. "Why won't you let me share this with you?"

"Because it changes you. Every time you use, something goes dark inside of you. Everything in my life has been touched by it. Please not this, too." He lifted Julian's hand in his, matching his slender fingers to Julian's broad ones.

Julian felt tears stinging at his eyes. He didn't know exactly what made him start crying, just that the aching developed in his chest from Noel's confessions was demanding some sort of release.

Noel turned on his side to face Julian, brush his cheeks dry. "I want you the way you are. Please don't let me change you, angel. I'll only ruin you."