I won't lie. I'm writing this primarily because it counts (sort of) as revision for my religious studies course, and I find a bit of 'alternative revision' useful every once in a while. I mean, I want to write, so I may as well write whist revising, yeah?

Don't be put off. My course contains subjects as diverse as free will, homosexuality, the meaning of language, ethics, the environment, miracles, adultery, the soul, lying, conscience, marriage, life after death and God - so I'm sure you'll agree that it has a lot of story potential! Especially when given that Torchwood twist…

And a big thank you to gernumblies for starting me off…

A Rose By Any Other Name…

Ianto gazed in despair at the row of tiny, but oh-so-important, objects in front of him, the key to the whole problem, unsure what to do. There had to be a way out of this dilemma somehow; there must be some combination… He could almost see it out of the corner of his eye: that master stroke he so desperately needed. But the pieces just wouldn't fit together…

Leaning over his shoulder Tosh reached her hand out and quickly shifted some of the plastic tiles around. Flashing him a quick grin, she left again.

"Hey!" Jack protested, as Ianto spelt out 'zephyr' on the scrabble board. "Asking Tosh for help is cheating!"

Ianto smirked in a self-satisfied way. "I believe I get triple points on that 'z', sir. And a double word score."

Jack put on a mock scowl as he wrote down Ianto's score. "You're not going to win you know, Mr Jones." He grinned down at Ianto as he put the score-sheet back down, on which Ianto was now in the lead by a fair number of points. "Soon you will cower before my great plan – a move so ingenious that not even Toshiko could think it up!"

"Evil genius doesn't suit you well, Jack!" Gwen called over from her workstation.

Jack grinned back and dropped the 'evil mastermind' accent. "Watch this." Reaching out carefully he placed his own tiles on the board whilst Ianto held his breath. These were the last tiles in the game – if Jack scored high enough on this one, Ianto would lose. And thinking back on the bet they had made, he really, really did not want to lose.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

Ianto looked down, paused, then looked back up again. "That's not a word Jack."

"Yes it is."

Ianto looked down again. Q.U.J.Z.E.K.Y.X. "No, Jack, it's really not. You've just made it up to use up all the last letters. Look, you can't even pronounce it."

"Of course you can pronounce it. You can pronounce anything. You're Welsh."

Now it was Gwen's turn to look over Ianto's shoulder. "Qudgezekhics?" She asked, intrigued. "What's that?"

"Qudjzekix." Jack said firmly. "Go on, say it: Qudjzekix."

They duly repeated him, then Gwen asked; "But what does it mean?"

"It doesn't mean anything." Ianto was adamant.

"Yes it does. It's a type of drink – sorta alcoholic."

Ianto sighed. "From where, Jack?"

"Er… Poosh."

"Poosh." Ianto repeated, his voice perfectly steady. "And that would be the planet Poosh, would it?"

"Yeah. Lovely place. I've visited several times. Great tourist hotspot."

"And is the name of its famous alcoholic drink in the Oxford English Dictionary?"

"Probably not." Jack confessed.

"Then it doesn't count."

"It's still a word, Ianto."

"It's a foreign language! You're not allowed foreign languages in scrabble!"

"You put down café earlier."

"Yeah, well, that's anglicised, Jack!"

"You and Gwen both used my word, didn't you? Doesn't that make it anglicised? Or Welshified."

"'Welshified' isn't a word either."

"But you know what it means."

"So?"

"So it must be a word."

"No, because it doesn't mean anything."

"Here." Jack pointed to one of the words on the scrabble board: 'Lagoon' "Does that mean anything? Really?"

Ianto frowned. "It's a geographical feature. A small, inland, warm, freshwater lake, I think."

"But the word isn't the feature. The word's just a few lines on a page; a few sounds in the air. It doesn't mean anything in itself."

"But it does because we give it meaning."

"In that case qujzekyx is a word, because it means something to me." Jack grinned, thinking he'd trapped Ianto.

"It's in a different word game." Tosh commented. She explained further as the rest of the team gave her blank looks. "That's what they're called: word games. Groups of words that get used in particular places. Vocabularies. Like the way 'hub' and 'rift' and 'weevil' have different meanings for us than they do for…"

"For people who aren't cave-dwelling freaks." Owen completed, joining in the conversation for the first time.

"Which means that it doesn't mean anything!" Ianto proclaimed triumphantly.

Jack grinned. "Neither does what you're saying. It's just an opinion. It doesn't mean anything concrete."

Gwen frowned. "But that means that what you just said… that's meaningless too then, right?"

Owen smirked. "Caught in your own trap, Harkness!"

Jack turned on him. "So how would you tell if language means anything?"

"Er…dunno." Owen thought for a second. "I suppose I'd see if what they were saying was actually true. Test it scientifically, or something."

Gwen buried her head in her hands. "But that doesn't work for opinions either! And they must mean something – I mean, they mean something to the person who has them! This whole arguments silly!"

"And potentially meaningless." Ianto added softly.

Jack returned to the original question. "So what about my word then? Is it acceptable?"

"No." said Ianto shortly. "Not by the rules of scrabble. I told you that at the start."

"You just don't want to let me win." Jack teased him. "Remembering what out little deal was?"

Tosh, Gwen and Owen looked between the pair of them curiously, but no further explanation seemed to be forthcoming. Sorting through the muddle in her head, Tosh tried to sum up the argument: "So, Ianto, you're trying to say that most language is meaningful and Jack's word isn't, so it doesn't count; and Jack's trying to say that all language is equally meaningless so his word is just as acceptable as any other."

"But it still doesn't fit the rules."

"Since when did I ever fit the rules, Ianto?"

"But we're having a conversation together! Our words must mean something."

"Not necessarily."

"Then what if I say this…" Ianto leant forward and whispered something in Jack's ear, the others leaning in closer to try and overhear. "…Does that mean anything to you?"

"Not exactly the same thing it means to you." But Jack was still grinning slightly.

Owen sighed irritably. "Why can't you just decide who's won and save all the flirting for later?"

Jack grinned even wider. "Why don't you decide, Owen? You and the girls? Does my word count or not?"

Ianto looked up, anxiety written all over his face.

"No." said Tosh firmly. "Sorry Jack."

"I think it does." Owen returned, despite having no real opinion on the matter. There was an evil glint in his eye - he desperately wanted to see what bet this was that Ianto was so worried about.

"Gwen?"

"Sorry?" Gwen stopped gazing thoughtfully at the scrabble board and looked up.

"Does my word count or not?"

"Oh, yes, I think it does. Why not? " Gwen continued defensively, ignoring Ianto's quiet groan. "It's a really nice word. Even if no-one can pronounce it."

Jack's grin almost split his face in half as he drew a thick black line underneath his final score. "Beaten by twenty points." He looked across at the slumping Ianto, his eyes gleaming.

"Do the words 'personal slave for the next twelve hours' mean anything to you, Ianto Jones?"

My current exam plan is to write one of these and really, really hope the examiner likes Torchwood. And that the story won't get that muddled again – I think they ended up changing the argument several times so that I could get more philosophers in. I apologise for this, but it was necessary.

Coincidentally, the last-but-one time I played scrabble we only allowed Torchwood-related words, which rather limits you a bit (though we did manage to get 'Ianto' in twice). And then the nest time I played scrabble the first word I came up with, purely by chance, was 'reset'…