I don't understand it.

No one has ever had this sort of effect on me before.

I've had countless lovers throughout my years,

Men who were just as handsome as he is…

But there's something about him.

Something about this tall, dark creature that sweeps away all my pretense

And shows me for what I really am.

Cuts my feelings to the bone and forces me to see the truth.

How does he do that?

With just a wave of his hand,

A glance from those eyes,

The slightest curve of his lips…

I'm helpless.

He can look at me and see directly through me,

Like I'm not even there.

Sometimes he acts like I'm not there.

Sometimes he makes me believe that I'm not there.

Me!

I, who have been this self-centered, bloody drama queen my whole immortal life…

I can feel invisible around him.

His presence is so much stronger than mine,

So easily drowning me out.

And making me want him so much I can hardly stand it!

See me!

Acknowledge me!

Want me!

Love me!

Please!

Reduced to begging like a helpless fool.

For what?

Sex? Is that what my goal truly is, whenever I pursue him?

Do all my aspirations really boil down to one steamy night in bed and a stomachache the next morning?

That can't be right.

I could have that from anyone.

But this man, this cold, cruel, sadistic man…

He's special.

For reasons I can't even begin to understand, he's so much more important to me

Than anything has been in a long time.

When have I ever cared this much?

I don't know if I can remember a single time.

Maybe it's because he sees through my charades.

Maybe it's because he can tell whether I'm really feeling something

Or just acting.

Don't get me wrong; I'm an amazing actress.

So how does he dismiss my act like it's nothing?

How is it that he can tell exactly what I'm thinking, even if I don't say anything?

He can break me down to the fiery redness of my soul,

And he could douse it if he wanted to.

It wouldn't even take much effort.

Why do I let him control me so?

"Go away, Grell; you're being a bother."

I go.

"On your knees now, Reaper. That's what I want."

I kneel without protest.

"Tell me why you're here. Tell me the truth."

What else can I say honestly but,

"I don't know."

The words flow from my lips with no restraint,

"I want you. You already know that.

Your little master is asleep;

Why not spend the night with me, Sebby?"

And I feel like such an idiot;

I just hope he doesn't think of me the same way…

A few times, I've just said it:

"I love you."

Because I don't know what else this feeling can be, if not love.

Always longing to be around him, hoping for even a fleeting look, praying he'll touch me…

How should I know what love means?

All I know is how I feel.

Kind of.

He probably knows better than I do.

And he won't let me know anything about himself.

I don't have his amazing ability to just tell what people are thinking…

So I can never decide.

Does he like me?

Does he care about me?

Is he using me for sex?

Are we just passing time?

He's immortal, too; maybe it means nothing to him.

And I can't ask him, because he'll respond with something snide;

"You're the one who loves me.

Figure it out on your own."

Damn it.

Damn it!

While all he needs is to look into my eyes, and he see every problem I have.

Every flaw, every defect is an open book for him.

One that he observes through those cold red eyes, smirking all the while.

I don't know how he does it.

Maybe I'll never really understand it.

But…

I get to be around him,

Speak to him,

Sleep with him,

Kiss him…

I guess it's an even trade off;

My ignorance for his patience.

My obedience for his attention.

So let me be ignorant a while longer.

Let me stay obedient and in his sight.

And that will just have to be enough…

For now.