A/N: Written for the March 2010 Springkink prompt Gintama - Okita/Kagura: falling in lust, "Geroffme, you jerk! I'm supposed to be on top!"

Big shoutout to RenjiLuvah, whose writing inspired this story. *waves*

Warnings: Alien mating rituals, grave bodily injury

Disclaimer: Gintama is the property of Sorachi Hideaki.

Petplay

Kondo pelted down the corridor, eyes wide from the information he'd just gotten from Yamazaki. Bursting into the First Division commander's office, he discovered Sakata Gintoki and Otae's little brother-san (mmmm...Otae...) standing with their backs against the door leading to Okita's personal "interrogation" room.

The sounds coming from the room were hair-raising, to say the least.

UWAAHAA HAA HAA!

"What the hell is going on, Yorozuya?"

"Ah, Kondo-san! Heh. Uh...well, we need a bit of help. You see, as near as we've been able to determine, our little Yato has gotten her...uh...her friend, and we've discovered that it causes her species to behave a little oddly."

"Eh?"

HEE HEE HEE HEE KAMONANMA KAMONANMA KAMONANMA

"She's got her period," Shinpachi piped up, ever pedantic. "First time."

Kondo listened in awe to the lunatic raving coming from the room. It reminded him vaguely of his last date with Otae-chan.

"You mean to say this will be a monthly occurrence?"

"Well, it's certainly a possibility. I placed a rush order for a lifetime supply of the serum that Yato females used to suppress the condition. It should arrive soon, but Kagura's at the point where we can't control her anymore. So, we brought her here, since you have more appropriate facilities. She's on the verge of some major crimes anyway, so call it pre-emptive incarceration."

"What did she do?"

"Oh, you know, the usual red-girl stuff — destroying the furniture, humping my scooter, tearing innocent creatures limb from limb."

"She's behaving like a cat in heat, only the cat is actually a tyrannosaurus," put in Shinpachi.

"Oi, are you discussing pussy in here?" Okita demanded, as he slouched into his domain.

"Okita! I have a vital assignment for you. The Yorozuya girl is sick and a little, uh, delirious. You keep her in custody here for a while until Gin-san can return with her medication."

Before Okita could even open his mouth to object, Kondo added, "You can use your tools, if you need to."

"Certainly, esteemed commander. It would be an honor and a pleasure."

Snickering, the Yorozuya fled.

"Oi, you don't smell so good, China. When was the last time you gave yourself a tongue bath? Be a good kitty, now." Holding the ornately jeweled collar behind his back, he reached down to stroke her under the chin.

UWAAAAAA!

Okita found himself the lucky recipient of a prompt and thorough Yato mauling. His uniform was instantly reduced to shreds, and Kagura's eyes glittered maniacally at the unfortunate condition induced by his teenage hormones.

"No! No means no, China! You can't rape me, I'm the dom in this scene!"

WUHAHAHA! HUUUUU WAAAHHH!

He was no match for her lust-driven frenzy. After whirling him over her head a few times, she slammed him flat on his back and leapt high into the air. Goggle-eyed, Okita reached down in a desperate attempt to shield his most vulnerable resource. Unfortunately, his hand slipped, and he ended up holding it straight upright. With pinpoint accuracy, Kagura landed on the target, and clenched it with a vise-like grip.

"Eeeeeeee!" Okita squealed. "Noooo! Stop, it hurts! You're hurting me, China! This is too ironic! I can't take it! Let me gooooo!"

Unperturbed, she began bouncing up and down as if his belly were a trampoline.

"Gah...gah...gah...gah...gah...gah...gah..." With every landing, more wind got knocked out of him, quickly inducing oxygen deprivation. Mentally, he made a careful note of this outstanding technique.

Just as his vision grayed in earnest, Kondo and the Yorozuya burst in with Sadaharu, who happily plucked Kagura off the sadist in one big mouthful and held her up while the others grabbed hold of a flailing leg and stuck her butt with an injection.

The instant Sadaharu spit her out with a cute "ptui," Kagura returned to her senses. She blinked a few times and snorted in disgust when she caught sight of Okita, who lay spread-eagled on the floor, covered in bruises and vicious, bone-deep bites. His arm was broken in two places and his skull was dented rather frighteningly.

"Oi, you filthy perv! Why are you laying there with your thing hanging out?"

Shinpachi dragged her toward the door. "And where are my panties? Did you take them? Did you touch me? I'll kill you if you touched me..."

"BAKAYAROU!" Kondo howled, landing a kick that added a fractured rib to Okita's medical bill. "You were supposed to restrain her, not impregnate her!"

"Oh, it's not so bad, I think we got them separated in time," mused Gin. "If not, I suppose you'll have to give him a raise in nine months or so."

Kondo gaped at Gintoki in pure unadulterated horror before turning back to the First Division captain.

"SOUGO...wait, I didn't hurt you just now, did I?"

"Oh no, it's nothing," Okita gurgled. "I'm perfectly fine. Never felt better." Wincing, he strained to look over at Gintoki. "Oi, danna. Just one thing—"

"Hai."

Okita struggled to raise a weak hand and pointed at his badly damaged, but still functional manhood.

"Would you mind finishing me off?"