Miss Universe, Please Take Your Crown

Summary: Or how a beauty contest almost leads to nuclear war between Russia and America. [Russia x China, Canada x America, Lithuania x Poland, Spain x S. Italy, Germany x Italy, Sweden x Finland, and more!] [One-shot]

*Note: Translations at the end ~

Hetalia – Axis Powers © Hidekaz Himaruya

Oh, God. He's so scared.

Ever since the last U.N. meeting, when Romano took his ending comments as a chance to try to get him kicked out of the G8 (again), which in turn led to an hours-long debate of sheer nonsense and idiocy, Germany has been afraid – oh-so afraid – of closing any meeting. While continuing to drone on about the dangers of oil and natural gas reliance, Germany thinks to himself whether he should simply continue to lecture instead of ending the session, lest another imbecile took that opportunity to introduce another absurd, never-ending topic.

Then again, even he can't harangue his fellow nations forever, and his feet are starting to ache. So at last he stops, takes a deep breath, prays to Gott that nobody will respond to his prompt, and says:

"And so concludes the final subject of this session. Any other closing remarks?"

For one blessed moment, there is silence. Germany silently thanks the heavens and is one second from adjourning the meeting when –

"Oh! Oh! I, like, totally have something to say!"

Poland. Gritting his teeth and taking another deep breath, Germany turns to Poland and uses all his strength to sound civil:

"Yes? But please keep it short," he adds briskly, "because we all have our busy schedules – "

"So!" Poland continues, completely ignoring his polite request. "Me and Liet were, like, fighting over a super-important topic. No! It is important," the blond then swipes away Lithuania's hand when the Baltic nation silently attempts to stop him, his face already red. "Geez, how rude, Liet. So where was I again? Okay! So Liet tells me that I'm, like, totally gorgeous, right? Like, the most gorgeous nation in the world, yeah? But then I was, like, 'Liet, you're way hotter than I am!' And Liet is, like, 'Nuh-uh, you are, Feliks!' This issue totally needs to be resolved, so what do you guys think? It's totally Liet, right? He's so the most beautiful nation in the world!"

Lithuania sinks into his chair and groans at the exact moment that Germany bangs his head on the table.

Complete and utter silence follows Poland's rant, stretching from seconds to minutes until Germany actually dreads that the meeting will never end because there is absolutely no rational reply to the blond's moronic monologue.

But finally England stands up and shrugs.

"I don't care," he says blatantly.

Poland's face falls and Germany hopes that England's cold reply will actually put an end to the topic and then he can just go home to his wurst and –

Unfortunately, the British gentleman then points at France, and, when the foaming media will frantically ask about it later, that's when the chaos begins.

"All I know," England growls, "is that it's certainly not him."

Ach. Mein. Gott.

"Bien sûr que non, mon cher," France retorts with grace, swiftly grabbing England's hand, "because we all know it's you, yes?"

England snatches his hand away from France and is just about to slap him when Italy stands up and raises his hand jovially.

"Poland, Lithuania, France-nii-san, and England are all very pretty, but I think Germany is the prettiest. Ve ~ "

"Like hell he is!" Romano promptly stands up. "Even idiot Spain is prettier than he is!"

Gushing about just how cute that is, Spain promptly glomps the Southern Italian. Then there is no turning back as a ruckus erupts.

"Guys, there's absolutely nothing to fight about! Norway is the hottest nation out there! Even though, uh, you know, he's up north and all – "

"Austria is so refined. Look at his clothes, his glasses, Mariazell – "

"My w'fe's v'ry g'd-l'king – "

"In Japanese, Japan means 'where the sun rises,' and that's because Japan's so stunning – "

"Hahaha! I'm the most awesome one here so I have to be the cutest too – "

"Ah, there's so many attractive nations here… it's so great to be around such gorgeous people… But – " Abruptly, the commotion stills. "Nobody can compare to China."

Blushing, China shrugs off Russia's hands on his shoulders and quietly reprimands him. But no one rebutts him. Silently, the contest ends.

"Wrong again, Russia!" America suddenly laughs. "Canada is so much prettier than China!"

Strange, Canada thinks wryly, a hand on his forehead, that the one time that he has all the attention is the one time that he would do anything to be invisible. He shivers when Russia's eyes land on him.

"Yes, yes, your friend is very dazzling, but – "

"But what?" America challenges. Canada soon senses danger and tugs America's sleeve, but like always, his neighbor pays no heed. "Dude, Russia, China's cute and all, but he's not that hot!"

The temperature drops a few degrees as Russia's aura turns positively murderous. Only an idiot would continue then. And, of course, America goads on.

"I mean," he smiles, "how beautiful can a Commie really be?"

Canada groans. China's eyes widen only the slightest. And America falls backward, reeling from the punch delivered to his face by one beaming (read: pissed as hell) ex-Soviet.

"The meeting is adjourned!" Germany barks.

Like a crowd on a beach alerted of an approaching shark, everyone dashes out, leaving America practically passed out on the floor and Canada with his face in both hands, wondering why he has fallen for such a moron.

With a sigh of satisfaction, China stretches his arms before tossing away his suit jacket onto his bed. He has just thrown his tie down as well when there's a loud knock on his door.

"Coming!" he calls.

Unfortunately, he does not come soon enough, because the door is thrown open (how did he break the lock – ?) and he suddenly finds himself in Russia's bone-crushing embrace.

"Ivan!" China yells and with the most enormous effort he pushes Russia at arm's length. "What are you doing?"

"Comforting you!" his neighbor declares. "Yao needs me by his side after what that capitalist pig told him!"

"I do not take anything that America has to say seriously and – " he dodges Russia's kiss and gasps when the other retaliates with a hickey on his neck, "I do not need you by my side."

"We will be together again, da?"

"Yes, yes," China sighs tiredly. How many times did he have to go over this? "We'll be together forever. Or at least longer than the last time…"

"No, no. I mean…" Russia whispers words in his ears and China gasps again, appalled; he would have pushed Russia away if his neighbor did not, at that moment, decide to fortify their embrace.

"You're so beautiful." Russia kisses him, tenderly.

"I don't need you to protect me anymore," China scowls but kisses him back.

Soon, he's clutching platinum hair and pressing himself desperately against the other. He takes a step backwards and falls backwards when his legs hit the rim of his bed, dragging his lover down with him. Chuckling, Russia finishes his trail of hickeys down China's neck when there's another knock on his door.

Immediately China pushes the blond off his body and hurriedly drapes on his jacket to hide his reddened neck before answering the door.

"Can I help you?" All expression is wiped clean from his face when he sees who it is.

"I just want to say, my dear China, that you are so stunning. Only a fool would spurn your splendor."

"So my boss saw the bruise and asked me if it was a declaration of war. I said, 'Are you serious?' And he was all ready to prepare our nukes and all! Isn't that funny, Matt?" America laughs, but his grin dies away when he sees Canada's grim expression. "C'mon, Matt! Lighten up! Any girl would be squealing in joy after I defended you against that crazy ex-Commie!"

"Call me a girl again," Canada retorts calmly, "and you'll have another bruise to match. And no," he glares at his neighbor, "riling up Russia like that will not turn me on."

"What will?" America asks cheekily. "Besides, forget about it! No one's going to remember about this at today's world meeting!"

Shaking his head, the Canadian shoves him aside, where he bumps into Finland.

"Oh, sorry about that," America grins apologetically.

"Uh," Finland hastily steps aside, "don't worry about it."

Sweden then quickly pulls Finland away, throwing America a quick glare before the two saunter ahead.

"What was that about? Oh! Hey Japan!"

"Oh, America-san," Japan says, flustered, when he sees the blond waving enthusiastically at him, "I need to attend urgent business. Have a good day."

The Asian nation hurries past the two North Americans to the meeting room.

"There's something wrong," Canada says, frowning.

"What are you talking about?" America rolls his eyes. "We're all busy people. It makes total sense that we're all in a rush. C'mon," he then opens the door to the meeting room. "Hey… Matt? Why aren't you going in?"

Frowning, he glances inside and chuckles when he sees China sitting alone with South Korea kneeling at his feet, fawning over his older brother like always. But wait a minute – America frowns as the nation on his knees gallantly takes China's hand. That's not South Korea… And the person besides China, grinning indulgently at him, that's –

"America! A word."

Hurriedly closing the door, both America and Canada step aside and turn to England, who is accompanied by an equally expressionless France.

"What's up?"

"Let's go somewhere private," England says stiffly. Once they're in their own room and safe from prying ears, England at last glares at his ex-ward. "You bloody oaf!" he hisses. "What have you done?"

"What?"

"Alfred!" France gives America a meaningful stare, and the blond stills: France never called him by his name like that. "The world has been talking about your bruise. And people are worried."

"What? They really think that this is something serious?" The American rolls his eyes.

"Remember a time when it would be?" England replies scathingly.

"When was the last time Russia hit you?" France asks at the same time.

America stops. Soon, though, he laughs it off again.

"Yeah! I know! But it isn't the Cold War anymore! Remember who won?"

"And we don't want any war like that again! Why are you so dense?"

Glaring at the two of them, America has a petulant retort ready, but Canada stops him.

"Al, this is serious," he says quietly. When his lover narrows his eyes, he continues: "And think about this out of the context of a possible World War III. It really wasn't nice of you to say that China wasn't that pretty."

"But he isn't! Compared to you anyway!"

"But haven't you ever heard that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'?" Canada persists. When all he receives is a blank stare, he sighs: "What would you do if Russia said that I can't be that cute because I'm invisible?"

"I would punch that jackass's lights out!"

Canada pokes at his bruise.

"Hey! That hurts – … Oh."

"I can't believe that's what it takes to make the idiot understand," England grumbles, crossing his arms, but France wraps his arm around his waist and shushes him quietly.

"What else would you do?" Canada then asks gently.

"I would declare World War III on that Commie!" America declares triumphantly. He falters, however, when he sees the blood drain away from all three's faces. "Uh… I mean… I would demand an apology!"

All three of them give him a meaningful look. And America groans.

"Why am I here?"

"Matt, I need moral support!"

"Who's the one who said that he can easily face Russia on his own again?"

"Yeah, but what about China? I need you, Matt!"

America launches the full puppy-eyes attack, and Canada knows that he has lost. Stopping in front of the entrance to the meeting room, he reaches for the door when suddenly it bursts open by itelf and an Asian nation rushes out, wild-eyed. Neither America nor Canada has time to recognize the country, but they do catch a glimpse of a bruise that looks suspiciously like a water pipe before the scarred nation is out of sight.

When the two North Americans enter the chamber, they see China and Russia arguing. Well, China is doing all the yelling while trying vainly to escape from the arms locked securely around him, while Russia is simply humming a merry tune.

"Uh… China… Yeah. Hi?"

Glaring at America through his smile, Russia tightens his arms around his neighbor. His hand neatly folded on his lap and no emotion betraying his face, China gazes impassively at America.

"Yes?"

"Yeah… uh… I don't know to say this, but… You're Communist, right?"

Already the water pipe is in sight and Canada is trembling. But for the sake of the world, Canada glares at America and pinches his arm. Hard.

"Ouch! I mean… don't get me wrong!" America smiles weakly. "What I want to say that it doesn't matter! Yeah! China, you're a Comm – Ouch! Communist! But it doesn't matter! You're still very pretty and… uh… cute? Yes! And you being a Communist doesn't have anything to do with your looks!"

"Comrade," Russia says, amused, "are you trying to ask Jao out?" He chuckles, but his laugh sounds suspiciously like 'kolkolkol.' "Are you trying to initiate war?"

"Yes?" America tries. "No!" He then yelps when Canada stomps on his foot. Hard.

"I want to apologize! For what I said in the last meeting! I didn't mean to insult anyone and I'm sorry for that!"

For once, Russia looks at America, expressionless. He opens his mouth, but suddenly China stops him.

"America, I accept your apology," he says graciously. Both America and Canada sigh in relief. "If," China narrows his eyes, "you repay your financial debt. Now."

"Uh… I can't do that?" the blond laughs meekly.

"All right, that's fine," China gives him an eerily familiar smile. "Then I guess you won't mind if you stop supplying weapons to Taiwan, right? Because you see, Taiwan is mine, and so is Tibet, by the way."

Right, that smile looks exactly like Russia's. Meanwhile, Russia, understanding that the new battle is no longer his to wage, lovingly nuzzles China's neck before leaving to terrorize the Baltic nations.

"Matt, get me out of here," America whispers frantically to his lover while they both gradually back away from China and his psychotically tranquil smile.

"America." And all of a sudden, China has stood up and grabbed his collar. "You're not going anywhere."

That smile is not even Russia's anymore. It's more like – oh, God – Belarus's and…

… and America screams.

"Yao ~ Let's celebrate!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your victory as the most beautiful nation in the world!"

"Argh! Ivan, get that crown out of my hair!"

"… What about the dress?"

Translations:

Gott – God

Ach mein Gott – Oh my God

Bien sûr que non, mon cher – Of course not, my dear

Da – Yes

A/N: So my pairing of the moment is Russia x China (yes! I do want to be in the ROCHU squad!) and I was disappointed in the lack of humorous stories with those two (but wow… there's a plethora of depressing ones about them…). So I wrote this one-shot, although I did notice that recently my stories always go back to Canada and America – well, I can never let go of an opportunity to let my Canadian pride shine.

I also tried to write about different pairings (Lithuania x Poland anyone? Although my beta reader said that I didn't include enough Valley Girl speech for Feliks), although you guys can decide who yelled out the compliments for Norway, Japan, and Austria (I'm not a hard shipper for any of those characters, so let your imaginations run wild, children).

I did also enjoy showing different aspects of Russia and China's relationship and personalities, from more somber and dangerous to light and crack-ish. Yes, this was supposed to be a humorous one-shot, and hopefully the more serious tidbit in the middle wasn't that distracting. By the way, I am fond of using the Russian Jao for Yao, but isn't the pronunciation almost the same? At least according to my Russia friend, it's practically the same (with a slight difference)....

Hey! By the way, who do you think is the most beautiful nation? I also believe that they are all dazzling, but I have to admit that China's is simply the most gorgeous. Only Canada can compare. But I'd love to hear other opinions!

Finally, I'm avidly following both prayingforlove's Enchanted and TarantellaEarth's Assimilation (both very captivating ROCHU stories). And I've realized that I have a bad habit of recommending fanfictions that I have not reviewed. So I'm off to correct that!

Do a Random Act of Kindness (DoRAK – seriously, it's a real organization): Review !