Susan sat at her vanity putting the finishing touches on her hair. It was cut short now, as was the style, and perfectly curled. She thought it was a rather revolting fashion, but had cut it anyway. She was Susan Pevensie after all. Whoever that is now, she thought bitterly. Glaring at her reflection, she noticed the bags under her eyes. They looked as if she had been in a fist fight and had lost. Badly. Her once glowing skin was now sallow and pale and no amount of rouge would brighten up her dull complexion. Sighing deeply, she picked up her tube of lipstick and twisted it open, revealing the soft pink color that she always wore. Lifting it to her lips, Jill's words echoed in her head, "All you care about now is lipstick and fashion and what parties you'll get invited to!" A small tear escaped from her eye as she applied her lipstick expertly, blotting away the excess. "I'm sorry I don't want to pretend those silly games anymore! We're all grown ups now. We had a wonderful time playing as children, but really. I've put those childish games away," Susan had replied haughtily. "Susan, how could you forget? How do you not remember who you were? Who you are?" Edmund had asked, his dark brown eyes hurt at her dismissal of the world they had all loved once before.

Had I loved it? she wondered. Memories began to flood Susan's mind, pictures of handsome princes and faraway lands swirling through her head. They were soon replaced by those of war and fighting, snow and ice, a prince and a king. She closed her eyes, forcing herself to push those images out of her mind. Today was already hard enough for her without being reminded of some of the darker days of her existence. She opened her eyes and looked down at a small framed photograph sitting on her vanity. Taken sometime during the war, she saw four children smiling back at her. Sneering at it, she thought, Was this the second or third time we were that age? Her anger over being taken away from Narnia, taken away from her home (Twice! her mind cried), had never quite left her. Instead, she had decided to push her memories as far back in her mind as was possible and focusing on her life in this world. In England. The home she knew she wouldn't be expelled from. Glancing back at the picture, her face softened and her eyes welled with tears. What were they doing on that train? What foolishness were they doing this time in the name of Narnia? Does that place bring anyone anything but sorrow? she thought, her tears finally escaping her.

"Susan dear? Are you ready?" a sad voice called from behind her bedroom door. Quickly wiping her tears with the back of her hand she called back, "Yes, Aunt Alberta! I'll be right down!" Standing, she gave one final stare in her vanity mirror, smoothing her black dress. Today would be the third funeral she had been to in the past two days. Today was the funeral of her three siblings and parents.

It had been just over eight years since the Susan and her siblings, Peter, Edmund and Lucy, had returned from Narnia. It had taken Susan only one to begin to pretend that Narnia was just a fantasy, a pretend place that she and her siblings had made up during a dull day at Professor Kirk's all those years ago. Sure, it had caused fights between her and her siblings. Many fights, in fact. But in Susan's mind she felt that it was better to have those fights than to entertain her memories of her times in Narnia. She had been happy there, yes. But so many things there had brought her sadness as well.

Edmund took Susan's denial of Narnia the hardest. The two had always been close, nearly as close as Peter and Lucy, but they had drifted apart as they grew older due to Susan claiming there was no such place as Narnia.

"How do you not remember who you are?" Edmund yelled at his sister.

"I'm Susan Pevensie, Edmund. The same Susan I've been for 17 years!" she cried back.

"You're Queen Susan of Narnia! Stop pretending you aren't! Stop pretending your country, your home, doesn't exist!" Edmund pounded his fist on the kitchen table where they had finished dinner. The siblings' parents had been out for the night, leaving the four to eat dinner by themselves. Peter, Edmund and Lucy took the opportunity to talk about Narnia, a pastime they rarely had an opportunity to enjoy, when Susan had dismissed their discussion and began clearing the table. Edmund had usually taken his sister's denials in stride, knowing how it grieved her to think about Narnia, but tonight he'd had enough. Lately he found himself longing for Narnia, for the woman he had left behind, the emotions he felt nearly overpowering his will to go on with his day to day activities.

Susan whirled around from her place at the sink where she had been rinsing the dishes. "My country? My home? What kind of home would take so much from us? Cause us so much pain? Think of all we've lost! How can you still love that world?" she yelled.

"Lost? What exactly have you lost?" Edmund cried, his voice cracking.

"Ed," Peter said warningly, attempting to reign in his brother's temper.

"No! Tell me Susan, what have you lost? Did you lose your fiancé? Did you lose the love of your life? What exactly has the great Susan Pevensie lost?"

"I've lost love too Edmund," Susan began but was cut off by her younger brother.

"I would hardly compare the mediocre love from an immature king and the desires of a selfish lout of a prince to what I lost, Susan." Edmund said scathingly, narrowing his eyes at his sister. The plate Susan had been drying fell from her hands at hearing his words, shattering when it hit the floor.

"Edmund!" Lucy cried springing from her seat at the table. Susan stared at her siblings, defeated, before placing the dishtowel she had been using on the counter and walking wordlessly out of the room.

"Too far, Ed," Peter said quietly as he moved to clean up the broken dish.

Susan sat alone in the now empty church. Empty save for the five coffins placed at the front of the room. Her eyes were red rimmed and wet from crying. She had managed to keep her emotions under control throughout the funeral, although it had been a struggle, but sitting there alone she let herself cry the tears she had been holding in. The priest's words had not touched her, had not moved her in the slightest. They were meaningless as she stared at her family during the funeral. The people surrounding her, her family and friends, all wept, some louder than others. Their noise was lost on Susan; she had stayed in her own bubble of grief throughout the ceremony. It was not until her Aunt Alberta had placed her hand on Susan's shoulder did she focus on the world around her.

Closing her eyes, Susan took deep breaths as she tried to calm herself. Uncrossing her legs, she stood and shakily walked to where her parents' and siblings' coffins were. After placing her hands on both her father's and her mother's she turned to her three siblings', tears silently flowing down her cheeks. Where are they? she thought as she ran her hands over each of their coffins, first Peter's, then Lucy's and finally Edmund's. Are they in Heaven? Or Aslan's Country?

"How could you all leave me here? Alone?" she said softly, her voice tinged with fear. "What am I supposed to do without you? Who am I without you?"

"Ma'am?" called a voice. Susan looked up and saw the funeral director standing in the doorway, a sympathetic look on his face.

She quickly wiped her tears away and asked, "Yes?"

"We're about to move to the cemetery for the burial. Perhaps I can find a family member or friend for you to ride with?" he asked kindly.

"No, thank you," Susan said as she walked away from her family. "I can manage by myself."

She walked out of the sanctuary and exited the church. Her aunt and uncle were standing next to their car waiting for her. Poor Aunt Alberta and Uncle Harold, Susan thought. They had not only lost her mother, who was Harold's sister, but their son Eustace as well in the train crash. My cousin. I suppose I've lost him too, Susan thought sadly as she climbed into the backseat of the car.

When they arrived at the burial site, it had begun to rain, the drizzly sort that you feel foolish using an umbrella in but miserable if you don't. Susan glanced through the window and saw the dozens of funeral attendees standing around the gravesites, some carrying large black umbrellas as they huddled together to shield themselves out of the rain. How appropriate the weather is for today, she thought. Stepping out of the car she opened her own umbrella and walked behind her aunt and uncle towards the grave sites. They stood in front of the crowd, closest to where her family would be put to rest.

Susan watched as her mother and father were lowered into their graves and the priest threw a handful of dirt onto both of the coffins. As Lucy was lowered, Susan's breath became shallow and tears began flowing down her cheeks.

"This isn't right," she whispered softly.

"Did you say something dear?" her uncle asked, turning his head slightly to her. Edmund was lowered next. Susan's hands began to shake as she grasped her umbrella tighter, her knuckles turning white.

"They can't do this. No!" she said, slightly louder.

"Susan?" Aunt Alberta asked, placing a hand gently on her shoulder.

When Peter's coffin was lifted to be lowered into the grave, Susan screamed, "No! Stop!" Startled, the preacher turned towards her.

"This isn't right!" she cried, dropping her umbrella and rushing forward.

"Susan, stop!" her uncle said as he tried to grab her back. Shaking out of his grasp she went to one of the men holding Peter's coffin.

"Don't you know who he is? He's High King of Narnia! He deserves a better funeral than this! They're kings and a queen! They can't be thrown into the ground in some old wooden box!" she cried hysterically.

"Ma'am, I-" the man said bewildered.

Susan turned to the preacher and grasped his hand, pleading, "Don't do this to them! This isn't right!"

"My child, this is the way it is," the preacher said softly, glancing up at the group of onlookers who had become suddenly still, staring at the hysterical young woman. Aunt Alberta and Uncle Harold hurried up to Susan, trying to pull her away so the burial could continue.

"Don't touch me!" Susan screamed. "I'm a Queen of Narnia! I'm supposed to be with them, there. Not here alone!" Her uncle grabbed her around the waist and pulled her away. Aunt Alberta followed behind crying, stammering her apologies to the crowd as she walked away.

It was the night before they were to sail to Terebinthia to negotiate the engagement of Lucy to the Terebinthian prince. Susan lay in bed, unable to sleep. Although, not because she was not tired. She was, in fact, very tired as her day had been busy making preparations for their trip. She could not sleep because of all the noise Lucy was making in the adjoining bedroom. Lucy had been excited for days, hardly able to sit still for longer than ten minutes, much to Susan's annoyance. Tonight she was exceptionally excited. Lucy had hardly eaten dinner, only taking small bites before finally announcing she was finished and hurrying out of the room. She currently was in the process of deciding what she would wear when they made port in Terebinthia. Susan could hear her sister's wardrobe doors opening and closing, drawers slamming, and noises of frustration coming from the other room. Finally unable to stand it anymore, Susan yelled, "Lucy! Go to bed, now!"

Moments later, the door which connected her room to Lucy's swung open, an upset Lucy standing in its door. "I haven't anything to wear!" she wailed. She was wearing a linen shift, meant to be worn as underclothes, and her crown, a purple dress dangling from her hand.

"Just wear what you have on. I'm sure your prince will love that," Susan said sarcastically.

Lucy rolled her eyes at her sister and said, "Be serious Susan. I'm having a crisis here!"

Sighing, Susan said, "You can wear my blue dress with the silver ribbons. It'll look good with your hair. Now go to bed!"

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Lucy cried as she spun and went back to her room, shutting the door behind her. Finally, Susan thought as she closed her eyes and waited for sleep to overtake her.

Hours later, Susan awoke with a start having heard a soft creak in her room. Sitting up straight, she glanced about the room, looking to see what could have made the noise. She saw a dark shadow moving and gasped, her heart racing as she called out, "Who's there?"

"Don't be afraid," a deep voice came as the figure moved from the shadows.

"Aslan," Susan breathed seeing the great golden lion before her.

"Yes. I have come to tell you that this will be your last night here in Narnia," Aslan said gently. Susan gripped her sheets in a panic.

"But why? What's going to happen to us?" she cried.

"Dear one, your adventure is not set to end here in Narnia. You have another life to lead, one with purpose and meaning. You all do. There is no more for you now, any of you, in Narnia," Aslan explained.

"Will we come back? Like last time?" Susan asked hopefully.

The Lion shook his mane and said, "No, you will not enter Narnia again in your lifetime. Neither will your brother Peter. You have both learned all you can from here and must now take that knowledge to your own time."

"But why? I don't understand! Help me to, please," Susan pleaded, tears welling in her eyes.

"I have a greater purpose for you all, at a different time and place. If you remain here, your time will end in Narnia and that purpose will not be fulfilled," Aslan said.

"What will the others think? How can you do this to us?" Susan asked, her voice tinged with anger.

"Child, you must not tell the others. They will know their fate when the time is right. You must trust in me, as I trust in you. Do not lose faith that I will continue to watch over you and love you," Aslan said gently, as he began to fade. Susan stared at the spot where Aslan stood, watching as he slowly faded away. Her control slipped when he was fully gone, hot angry tears falling down her face.

"Not now. Not again!" she whispered angrily.

Susan entered her house and shut the door behind her, leaning on it as she closed her eyes. It had been all she could do to convince her aunt and uncle that she needed to be alone. They had insisted she stay with them for a while, especially after her "episode" (as Aunt Alberta called it) at the burial. Susan had argued that she was fine now and needed to be alone for a while. After an intense discussion and promises made by Susan to call every hour to check in, they had relented and agreed that she could stay alone.

"As though I needed their permission," Susan grumbled as she opened her eyes. "I am 21 now, not a little girl." She pushed herself from the door and walked into the small living room. Only a few days ago her parents were sitting in their chairs, laughing at a joke Edmund told. Smiling over Lucy's exploits at school. Reading a letter from Peter who was at University. Or listening to her as she spoke of one of the many clubs and societies she belonged to. Susan walked to a high backed wing chair in the room and placed her hand on it. It had been this chair she had been sitting in when her mother had last spoken to her.

"We'll be going to Bristol at the end of the week for a few days. You'll be okay while we're gone, won't you dear?"

"Of course. I have a few meetings to go to anyway, so I'll have something to entertain myself with," Susan said smiling at her mother.

"Good girl," her mother said, leaning down to kiss her cheek as she walked out of the room. "Oh by the way," her mother began, turning back towards Susan from the doorway. "Peter will be coming home tomorrow!"

"I know. He wrote to me last week and told me he would be," Susan said, slightly cross as she remembered her brother's letter. He had told her they were all going to Professor Kirk's to talk about Narnia and wanted her to come.

"He and Edmund and Lucy are having a get together of sorts. I think you should join them; it will be good for you," her mother said gently. She often worried over Susan's standoffishness towards her siblings and was constantly encouraging Susan to join them in whatever they were doing.

"Maybe, but I will be rather busy. I'll try to spend some time with them, maybe when it's just the four of us," Susan bargained, knowing deep down she would try very little. Her mother seemed placated and turned to leave the room, leaving Susan to sigh and slump in her chair.

Susan was now in the same position, slumped in the chair, as she recalled what had been so important that she couldn't have joined her siblings that day. "Some silly meeting about some silly charity that means nothing now," she muttered. She sat for what felt like hours, her anger growing deep inside her as the minutes ticked away. "This is ridiculous!" she cried, standing quickly. I should just go to bed, she thought. Walking around the downstairs, she turned off the lights and checked the locks on the doors and windows, a task she had done nearly every night for the past year.

Once she had finished she climbed the stairs to go to her bedroom. The one she shared with her sister. Had shared, she thought sadly as she opened the door. Lucy's bed still sat unmade, a mess of sheets and covers. Blue, she thought, noticing Lucy's deep blue bedspread and light blue sheets. She had always liked blue. "And we buried her in green," Susan said, her voice a near whimper. She walked to her sister's bed and sat, picking up her pillow and hugging it close to her. The pillow still smelled like Lucy, a mixture of her favorite shampoo and the sweet perfume she had only just begun wearing. Susan buried her head in the pillow, allowing the walls she had built around her to come down as she cried deeply.