Obi-Wan:

            I let my mind drift from Qui-Gon's stream of never ending words, only pretending to listen to him. My Master was lecturing me on my recent loss of focus during our training sessions. Lately I had been unable to center myself in the Force because I could not keep my mind from wondering. At first my Master simply thought it was because I had not slept well but after the behavior continued into the following days he had quickly realized that was not the case.

            I knew that I should listen to him, that he would become frustrated and disappointed as soon as he realized I wasn't paying attention, but I couldn't help it. Part of me wanted for him to become frustrated and discipline me. At least that way he'd be showing me he cared enough to correct my behavior since obviously he didn't care about anything else that had to do with me.

            I was just his Padawan and I couldn't possibly be a fraction as important to him as Tahl was. Whenever we were at the Temple he practically forgot my existence and spent all his time with her. Jealously is an unworthy emotion of a Jedi, but I couldn't help it. I had known Qui-Gon for four years now and he had yet to show me even a portion of the warmth he always showed her. I understood they were best friends but I couldn't help how I felt. I wanted so much to hold a greater part of Qui-Gon's heart, but half the time he seemed to ignore me and the other half of the time he spent lecturing me.

            "Obi-Wan, are you listening?" Qui-Gon's half-annoyed, half-concerned voice penetrated my thoughts.

            I sighed. Despite everything, I would never lie to my Master. "No, Master," I said softly, looking up to meet his gaze. His blue eyes seemed weary, annoyed with my disrespectful behavior, and yet still concerned.

            "Padawan," he began, "this sort of behavior is very much unlike you, what's wrong?"

            What was wrong? How could he even ask that question? To Qui-Gon I practically didn't exist when we were at the Temple, and he didn't know what was wrong? All I wanted was to be close to him, to hold even a small fraction of his love, but he didn't even know me well enough to be able to be able to tell what was wrong.

            "Obi-Wan," his voice turned gentle, now sounding truly concerned, "please tell me what's bothering you."

            "Why should you care?" I asked, the words slipping out of my mouth before I could stop them, "I'm just your Padawan." Perhaps it was my frustration that my Master didn't realize what was bothering me, perhaps it was the hurt I felt at being constantly shoved aside in favor of Tahl, or perhaps it was simply a fit of insanity that wrought those words from my mouth, but either way I was half relieved, half mortified. Relieved because maybe my emotions would finally come out into the open, and mortified because I knew I was being disrespectful and I didn't want to lose my small place in Qui-Gon's life.

            Confusion flooded Qui-Gon's face and for a moment my stoic Jedi Master was actually rendered speechless by my words. When he finally recovered himself enough to speak there was no touch of anger or even annoyance in his voice. Only complete and utter bewilderment. "Obi-Wan? What's that supposed to mean?"

            Again, the words flew out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about them. "What do you think it means?" I asked, "It means exactly what it sounds like. Why should you care what's bothering me? I'm not your precious Tahl; I'm just your apprentice. It doesn't matter that we've known each other for four years, you'll still push me aside in favor of her at every chance you get." I resisted the urge to clamp my hands over my mouth. Force, what was I saying? I was letting my frustration drive me. I sounded like a four-year-old, not like a senior Padawan.

            Qui-Gon blinked at my words, staring at me with something close to shocked disbelief written on his face. "What are you saying?" he asked, still sounding more confused than anything else. "How can you think that…?"

            I felt a certain relief from my feelings being out in the open and now that I had started I found I couldn't stop. "Two days ago," I interrupted my Master, "I was going to ask you to come to an art competition with me. I entered some of my work and they were going to announce the winners. I tried to ask you but you were too busy talking to Tahl to pay any attention to me. I went by myself," my voice faltered and hitched over the sudden lump that had formed in my throat. Tears stung at my eyes at the memory of the bitter pain I had felt at Qui-Gon's casual dismissal of me but I forced myself to blink them back. "I-I went by myself," I repeated, "b-because I didn't even get far enough to tell you about the competition. You wouldn't let me, because you were busy with Tahl. I won, you know. First place." I drew in a deep harsh breath, ignored the cracking in my voice, and continued. "Do you want to know what I drew, Master?" I rasped out, struggling to keep the tears of pent up pain, loneliness, hurt, and frustration from flooding my eyes. "I drew you, but you didn't even care to listen to me long enough to find that out."

            With shaking hands I reached into the pocket of my tunic and drew out the ribbon they had given me for winning first place at the competition. It was crumpled, but I didn't care. I thrust it into Qui-Gon's hands. "I just wanted to make you proud, Master. I thought maybe that if I could be the perfect Padawan you would at least respect me and that would be enough. You wouldn't even listen to me though. You want to know what's been bothering me lately. Well that's it. Why should I work so hard to impress you when you don't even care?" I choked out the last words on a small gasp of air and finally lost my battle against tears. They flooded my eyes and obscured my vision, blurring Qui-Gon's form. I didn't care though. I was too frustrated and mortified by what I had just done. My Master's coldness hurt me so badly that it was like a physical blow to my body every time he dismissed me in favor of Tahl. It was a relief to have finally told Qui-Gon of my bottled up feelings but I was afraid of what he would say and I couldn't believe that I had told him all of that.

            I had to get out of here. I couldn't stand to listen to my Master's resulting lecture on controlling my emotions better. I couldn't stand to spend one more night with his cold indifference. Without waiting for the stunned man to answer, I turned and ran from our quarters. I didn't know where I was going; all I knew was that I couldn't stay with Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon:

          I watched Obi-Wan turn and run from our quarters in dazed bewilderment, not believing what had just happened. How could he possibly believe that I constantly pushed him aside in favor of Tahl? How could he think I didn't care for him when he was the center of my universe? How could he not realize how important he was to me? He saved me. He saved me from the lonely old man that I had become. He taught me how to trust again. Didn't he realize that? How could he think that I he was 'just' my Padawan?

            True, I was not openly affectionate but I had always assumed that he knew how much I cared. When he was unwell I worried my heart away for him and took special care of him. I thought he would be able to see how much I cared for him in my everyday actions and see the affection in my eyes. But apparently he hadn't. I had simply assumed that he knew that I loved him. That had been my mistake. I had assumed. Obi-Wan was a young man, yes, but in some ways he was still a child. Perhaps my initial rejections had hurt him more than I thought, making him blind to the fact that I loved him just as much as I loved Tahl, just in a different way.

            I desperately searched through my memories of the recent weeks we had spent at the Temple; trying to figure out how my Padawan could ever have gotten the impression I was pushing him aside for Tahl. We trained together everyday, for almost eight hours. Then we would meditate together and get cleaned up. I spent more time with him than anyone else. How could he not realize that I cared for him so very deeply?

            I thought back to all the hours we had spent training in different areas, all the times I had helped him improve or better connect to the Force, and a sudden terrible realization struck me. Force, we had never done anything together, aside from missions and training. No wonder he didn't realize how much I loved him. Every day we would train together but then afterwards I would go have dinner with Tahl, leaving him alone in our quarters night after night. Every Friday was a designated 'free day' for my Padawan and again, I usually spent the time with my friend, leaving my apprentice to amuse himself. Obi-Wan was a senior Padawan but he was still growing and learning and if I never spent any time with him that didn't involve correcting his stance during a duel or negotiating a planet our of war, it was no wonder he thought I cared for Tahl more than him.

            After all, this uncertainty that he was unworthy had been planted in him ever since the approach of his thirteenth birthday when Master upon Master had come to the Temple and not taken him as a Padawan. Then I had rejected him time and time again before finally realizing we were meant to be Master and Padawan. That, coupled with the fact that it seemed like I preferred Tahl over him, would quite understandably cause him to assume I didn't care for him.

            Force, how in the universe could I have been so blind? How could I have ignored this for so long when the signs were right in front of me? All Obi-Wan wanted was to feel cared for, loved, and I had turned my back on him. I had focused solely on his training and ignored his emotional needs. For four years I had left him to wonder how important he was to me when a simple hug, or a few softly spoken words, would have set everything straight. I had been more concerned with Tahl's emotions than my own Padawan's. True, Tahl had gone through a terrible ordeal in losing her sight but Obi-Wan was my apprentice, and my top priority. How could I not have seen this in him?

            Guilt assaulted me as I thought back to all the evenings I had spent with Tahl, leaving my poor Padawan all by himself, wondering if I even cared for him. I closed my eyes. Force, what had I done?

            I looked down at the small blue ribbon that Obi-Wan had angrily given me. It was crumpled and slightly torn but I could still read what it said: "Obi-Wan Kenobi awarded 1st place in planet-wide art competition." I rubbed the ribbon through my fingers, thinking back to a couple nights earlier when Obi-Wan had come to talk to me in Tahl's quarters. We had been talking about our days as Padawans. When he had come in I had blinded myself to how important what he wanted was and told him we would talk later.

          /"Remember the few missions we were assigned together?" Tahl asked with a wistful smile.

            "Yes," I grinned, "There were only a few we went on together, as Padawans. Remember our mission to Resonia?"

            Tahl gave a contented laugh, "How could I ever forget? You and your Master nearly got yourselves killed and we had to go and rescue you from a Resonian prison camp. I don't think I have ever seen you look so dirty! I swear, you must have had half the mud in the galaxy on your clothes."

            I shook my head and let my smile broaden, even though she couldn't see me, "Oh really? Well I seem to recall that we had to rescue *you* as well. Are you *ever* going to tell me how you and your Master managed to lock yourselves in a dark dungeon, infested with rats and who knows what else? Did you simply forget where you were and close the door behind you? 'Oops…just closed the door Master, I guess we'll have to wait for someone to come find us.'"

            Tahl gave me a mock glare, "What happened to my Master and me is…a secret."

            I snorted. "A secret?"

            "Yes, one that I know and you'd better not try and find out about."

            I laughed. "You are something else, you know that?"

            Tahl was about to answer when she cocked her head to the side and closed her sightless eyes. "Obi-Wan's coming," she murmured.

            I frowned and turned around just in time to see the door to Tahl's room open and Obi-Wan step through it. "Padawan?" I questioned, "Is something wrong?"

            Obi-Wan shook his head shyly and blushed ever so slightly, "No, Master, nothing's wrong. I just…I would like to talk to you..." his voice trailed off. /

          I shook my head, not believing how stupid I had acted. I hadn't noticed it at the time, but now that I thought back to it, Obi-Wan had been distressed and yet so hopeful when he had come to me that night at Tahl's. His eyes had pleaded for me to care for him, even as I was unintentionally pushing him away.

          / "Are you feeling ill, Obi-Wan?" I asked, slightly concerned.

            Obi-Wan shook his head, "No, Master, not ill…"

            "Then what?"

            "I…I just want to talk to you, Master, please."

            I glanced at Tahl, who had remained silent. "Tahl and I are busy right now, Padawan. We can talk tomorrow morning before training, okay?"

            Obi-Wan looked down at the floor, "I…I would…like to talk…t-tonight."

            I stood up and walked over to where my Padawan stood, just inside the door. "Are you sure that nothing's wrong?"

            "Yes Master," he assured me, "nothing's wrong."

            I looked at Obi-Wan silently for a few seconds. Something gnawed at me. I felt like I should be seeing something but that it was nonetheless eluding me. I could sense that nothing was physically *wrong* but that Obi-Wan was troubled by something… I reached out delicately through our bond but I could find no hint as to what he wanted.

            I was about to ask him why he wanted to speak with me when he abruptly turned around and headed back out the door. "Never mind," he muttered under his breath and quickly vanished around the corner.

            I turned back to Tahl, mystified, "I wonder what that was about?"/

          "Sometimes I'm so damned blind that I wonder how I managed to survive my Padawanship, let alone my Knighthood," I muttered to myself.

            Obi-Wan had been begging me to care for him and had missed it. Instead of going after him I had turned back to Tahl and we had continued chatting about our past memories. Something had clearly been on my apprentice's mind. How could I have missed the heartbreak in his eyes as he turned and left the room? Why hadn't I noticed it until after the fact? I should have followed him and asked him what he wanted. I had just let him go, let him think I didn't love him. I had pushed him away and he had gone to the art contest and won first place for a drawing…that he drew of me.

            I glanced back down at the ribbon in my hands. There was no way to tell, no physical clues, but I could feel it in the Force that had been implanted onto it. My unwitting actions had devastated the boy. I reached out to touch the Force signature that had been left on the ribbon and was immediately inundated with a wash of emotions and visions. I could feel my Padawan's burning pain at what he thought was another rejection. I could sense the hurt I had caused him. He had felt no pride at winning first place. All he could think about during the whole ceremony was how I wasn't there with him, how I cared more for Tahl than for him.

            I tapped into one of the visions that was hitting me through the Force and nearly gasped at the intensity of the emotions. In my mind I could see Obi-Wan, coming back to the Temple after receiving his award. He had snuck quietly into our quarters but upon realizing I hadn't returned from Tahl's yet he had collapsed in the center of the room, falling to his knees with a small cry. Tears had streamed down his face and I could distinctly hear him asking what he had to do to make me care for him.

            I closed my eyes and shook my head. Guilt welled up inside my heart and a cold tremor ran through my body. I had made him cry. I had made him think I didn't care for him. How could I have done this without even realizing it? What kind of Master was I if I didn't even realize that all my Padawan wanted was to know I loved him? How could I have just stayed there at Tahl's and let him leave? How could I have sat in Tahl's room while he collapsed and sobbed his heart out?

            I had to fix it. I knew I didn't deserve to have Obi-Wan as my Padawan after what I had done to him but…I had to try and fix it. "Force, please let it not be too late to set things right between us," I begged softly, heading out the door of our quarters.

~~~~~~~~~~

          It took me almost a half-hour to find Obi-Wan. He was in a small training garden, leaning back against the trunk of a large tree and gazing desolately into the waters of a small, peaceful pond. He was so miserable that he didn't even sense my approach.

            I stopped a short distance from him. His face was red and his eyes were blood shot. I could see the streaks that his bitter tears had left behind. Force, he seemed so childlike, innocent, and vulnerable. So very vulnerable. All he wanted was for me to care for him, and I had denied him my heart.

            I reached out through our bond and was flooded with waves of sadness and despair. I had hurt him so badly. Without even meaning to I had taken a sword and stabbed it through his heart. Without even realizing I had pushed him aside in favor of Tahl. How could I have hurt this boy, this beacon of light in my life, so deeply?

            I walked up to where Obi-Wan sat and quietly knelt next to him. By now he knew I was here, but he didn't say anything. Neither did I. I didn't know what to say. I knew that this was my problem to solve and that I had to take the lead here, but I didn't know how.

            Honesty. Honesty was always the best approach to any situation. I had to be honest with Obi-Wan and hope it wasn't too late to repair the damage I had caused him. "Obi-Wan," I spoke as gently as possible; trying to soothe the nervousness I knew he felt, "I'm sorry."

Obi-Wan:

          I didn't sense Qui-Gon when he first entered the garden and didn't realize he was anywhere near me until I felt him gently touch our bond. All at once the pain and despair that was in my heart was joined by an intense nervousness. What would my Master say to me? Was he angry at my outburst? Was he disappointed by my lack of control? By my anger? Would he…end my apprenticeship?

            Force, what had I done? Why couldn't I just have kept my mouth shut? I had lost control of my emotions and all but yelled at my Master. For a Padawan, that was unheard of. Qui-Gon had never forced me to pay him every respect that other Masters would have, but I had still overstepped myself. The fact that he didn't force me to serve him dinner and wash his clothes didn't give me the right to speak to him the way I had.

            Now I might lose what small part of Qui-Gon's life I had. It hurt that he cared for Tahl more than for me, it hurt badly, but it was better than not being in his life at all. I loved him so much, could I stand it if he were to drop me? Every time he had pushed me away in favor of Tahl it felt like he had taken my heart and pulled it straight out of my chest, it felt like he had slapped me on the face, it made me want to cry, but even the pain was better than never seeing him again. It was better to have some place in his heart, however small, than no place at all.

            I swallowed nervously when Qui-Gon approached me and dropped to his knees. My heartbeat increased to a rapid thudding and my chest hurt slightly in my apprehension. Maybe if I apologized and begged him to forgive me everything would be all right.

            For a few moments a tension filled silence filled the air and my anxiety grew with each passing second. Finally, my Master spoke, and his words were anything but what I was expecting. I was expecting a lecture on how disappointed he was that I couldn't control my frustration and anger and then a gentle but firm dismissal as his Padawan. What he said left me completely speechless.

            "Obi-Wan," his voice was so gentle…almost like he wasn't angry, but I didn't allow myself to feel even a speck of hope. It was over. He cared for Tahl more than me and it was time that I accepted that and accepted whatever place in his life he allowed me to have. But what if that was no place? "I'm sorry."

            I blinked, sure that I had heard wrong. Had he just said that he was 'sorry'? No, no, I was imagining things. I was letting myself hear what I wanted to hear and not what was surely being said. Why was he sorry? Was he sorry because he was about to inform me that he was ending my apprenticeship and was trying to soften the blow? "Sorry?" I asked, my voice barely above a frightened whisper.

            I jumped when I felt a large hand touch my shoulder. "Yes, Padawan, I'm sorry."

            I closed my eyes. He had called me Padawan. Could that mean that he wasn't as disappointed as I thought he was? Was I still his apprentice? 'Please, let it be true,' I prayed silently.

            "I'm so sorry for the way I've been acting. I've been blind to your feelings and to your needs and I'm sorry. I…I didn't realize how you felt. I was blind. I should have seen how you were misinterpreting my actions and I should have had this talk with you a long time ago. Instead of paying close attention to your emotional needs I ignored them." Qui-Gon's voice held such deep regret and sincere guilt that I took my breath away. Despite my best efforts to battle it, hope emerged in my heart.

            Qui-Gon squeezed my shoulder softly. "Oh, Obi-Wan, can you ever forgive me for the pain I've put you through? I thought you realized how much I care for you, how much you mean to me. I never even considered that you would think I care for Tahl more than you. I'm so sorry for how cold I've been towards you. I never meant to be. I train you for hours everyday and I thought that that was enough for you to know how important you are to me. I was wrong. I've ignored the emotional aspect of our bond, simply assuming you knew how much I love you. How could you though, when I never showed you? I'm so sorry, Padawan."

            I looked up at Qui-Gon for the first time since he entered the gardens. Force, had he really just said what I thought he had, or had I imagined it? Had he actually said that he…that he loved me? That he didn't actually care for Tahl more than me? I had to have misheard. But I hadn't. In his eyes I saw his utter sincerity and his guilt.

            It was too much. After thinking that he didn't really care for me, that I stood second place to Tahl, it was too much for me to digest. He loved me. Relief didn't even begin to describe how I felt. I felt like running to the top of a mountain and screaming out my joy. I felt like I could single handedly take on every other Padawan in the order in a lightsaber duel. I felt like I could fly. Joy rushed through me like water through a river. Qui-Gon loved me and he was sorry for the way he had been treating me!

            Qui-Gon smiled at me sadly, "Yes, Obi-Wan, I love you."

            My Master's voice held such deep seeded emotion that it touched me to the very core, bringing tears of joy and relief to my eyes. I tried to blink them back, but it was no use. I was simply too happy to hold them in and within a few moments my vision had blurred to the point where I could barely make out Qui-Gon's form and my cheeks were wet with tears. "I…love you too…"

            I felt a touch at my other shoulder and stiffened in surprise when my Master's arms encircled me in a loose embrace. Qui-Gon was hugging me. Qui-Gon had never hugged me before. Of course, he had never told me he loved me before either.

            I let out a deep sigh before relaxing into his arms and tentatively wrapping my own around his waist. As if he had been waiting for my silent permission, my Master tightened his arms around me and pulled me close to him, cradling my head against his chest and gently stroking my back with his hand.

            "I've been a fool, Obi-Wan," he lamented into my hair, "I ignored all the signs of your emotional distress. I'm so sorry for what happened a couple nights ago when…when you wanted me to go with you to that art competition. If I had only realized how badly I was hurting you I would have followed you…I would have been honored to go with you. I don't know what I was thinking. I was being a blind old idiot. You come first before everything else, Obi-Wan. I promise I'll spend more time with you. I won't ever let something like this happen again."

            I flinched slightly at Qui-Gon's mention of the art competition. Qui-Gon's casual dismissal of my request to speak with him had made me feel like he had physically thrown me to the ground. I had never felt more alone, sitting there listening to the ceremony, thinking that Qui-Gon would rather be with Tahl, than me.

            My Master continued before I could even think of answering. "I didn't realize how my distance was affecting you. You've become the center of my life, Padawan, and…I thought that training you every day was enough, but I know now that it's not. I enjoy every second I spend teaching you, Obi-Wan. Every time I see you grasp a new concept and master it, it fills me with so much pride and joy. I love watching you learn and grow, I always have. I simply assumed you saw that, that you knew how I felt. I…I didn't realize how you were reacting…"

            It was more than I had ever hoped for. Qui-Gon loved me and he was proud of me. I didn't think I had ever been so happy. After all the hurt and loneliness to find out that I had been so wrong was a greater blessing than any other.

            I could very clearly feel my Master's remorse through our bond, as well as his sincerity, and although I wouldn't soon forget the pain and uncertainty I had experienced, I knew I could forgive Qui-Gon. I already had. The instant he had said he loved me had washed the frustration and anger from my soul.

            "Please forgive me, Obi-Wan," he spoke in such a soft whisper that I almost didn't hear it.

            I swallowed and pulled out of the embrace just far enough to be able to look up into my Master's eyes, "I forgive you, Qui-Gon," I said, smiling slightly.

            Qui-Gon closed his eyes for a brief moment, "Thank you, Obi-Wan." With the thumb of his hand my Master gently wiped away one of my tears. "Would you have dinner with me tonight, Padawan? Maybe give me the chance to make up for all the pain I've caused you…"

            Now it was my turn to close my eyes as my emotions swelled. "I would love to, Master," I breathed out.

            The corners of my Master's mouth twitched up slightly and his eyes sparkled in thanks. "Maybe after we eat you could show me that drawing that won first place at the competition," he suggested. Although his tone was light I could actually feel his anxiety. I could sense his wish to make things right between us and his fear that it was somehow too late.

            I nodded slightly, "I would love to show you." It would never be too late.

            Qui-Gon grinned, the uneasiness draining from him. "Good."

            There was still much we needed to discuss, still many words that needed to be spoken, but now that Qui-Gon had told me he cared for me I knew everything would be all right and that our bond not only would survive, it would be stronger than ever before.

The End