I didn't want to move as I felt my father get up from the bed. He leaned toward me and I stared into his golden eyes as he closed the distance between our faces and I felt his lips press against mine. I kissed him back on impulse alone, closing my eyes as I sighed with feigned happiness. I didn't want to anger him after he had already "punished" me. I opened my eyes as he moved away from me and I watched him go toward my door. I was happy that it was over. I didn't think I could take anymore after that. He's never done that before and my lower half was throbbing. I reached out for him in a false attempt to make him stay.

"Father . . ." I called out to him. "Will you be coming back later tonight?"

I saw him pause and he turned to look at me. My eyes widened as I caught a glimpse of the man he once was. Those soft gold eyes, the face that shined with pride rather than lust. The face of my father looked at me again; a face that I missed terribly and haven't seen for a decade. He suddenly smirked at me and all traces of my past were gone as I recognized that smirk, that evil glint in his eyes that showed the man he had become.

"No." He said simply. "You'll be home by yourself tonight. I'm taking your mother out again. Be good, Ray." He added, leaving the room and closing the door. I heard him call out to my mother in English. I noticed the words "let's go", "hurry" and "before Ray". Before I what? I asked myself mentally. I wanted to get up and ask but then Father would take it wrong and I'd get punished again. I already saved my mother once. I don't think I'll do it again. My prayer was answered. That was all I needed. Going out means he's gonna drug her up and start pimping her out to the local brothels. Last time he did this they were gone for three days.

Best three days of my life if I do say so.

I soon heard nothing as the house took on its eerie quiet tone. I waited for a little longer before I sat up on my futon. I looked over at my bed and sighed. To think I was laying there just a couple of hours ago. It all felt so surreal for some reason. I winced as a sudden pain shot up my spine and I cursed the delayed pain. I ignored it though and stood up to go to the mirror. I was praying that there weren't anymore marks. After today I didn't want to have to stay behind to explain my scars to anyone anymore. I walked over to the mirror, holding myself. I looked at myself, thankful that there weren't any scars but it didn't stop me from cursing my appearance next. I hated how I looked like both the people who caused me pain in my life. I mean I understand my mom's anguish but still . . . it doesn't mean I'm happy to look like her. Or my father in this case.

I put my face in my hands wanting to cry. After this whole thing started with father I realized that I started to lose myself; I didn't feel like I was me. I wasn't Raymond Kon. I was Ryuho Kon's toy at home and son outside and that name followed me everywhere I went. As his toy and his son I had to keep up an image. When I was younger images didn't matter. Things just went their normal way without stopping. I then walked to the bathroom to take a bath. I was itchy and dirty and I just didn't like how I felt.

Once I got in there I instinctively looked at the mirror again and started to look very closely at my body. I couldn't help but smirk when I started to feel a burning, itchy sensation on my wrists. It was then that I decided to look at the effects of keeping everything that my father did to me a secret.

Scar after scar I saw, running across my arms. I see them clearly as I see the sun. Some of them old . . . some of them new but they all held one main similarity. The reason for each and every one of them is for the purpose of me killing myself.

That's right . . .

I want to die.

I want to take the coward's way out and watch the blood flow down and out from inside of me. I want to watch and feel every single moment of my life passing by me in an instant.

I just want my suffering to stop.

Then again it's not like I make it seem like I want everything to stop. Yeah you may think that it's okay because I'm just too afraid of my father to say anything but the truth is it's not. It's like I'm in an abusive relationship or something. Even then that situation is avoidable. Yeah I'm afraid of what my father could do or would do if I told anyone about this but in all honesty if I really wanted out I should've done so already. I should be out of this situation and living a normal life but I'm not and it's all because I know that deep down I don't want it to stop. I don't want to be separated from him even though I want this pain to end.

Without a doubt someone would be confused of my judgment but I honestly think that that's the thought process of anyone who's getting abused in some kind of way. Think about it . . . my father may have loved me with all his heart when I was younger but think of the way he may have felt when my mother took me away from him. Think of anyone that is either the abused or the abuser, think of their insecurities. Even though it's not a good excuse and this all may not make any sort of sense but wouldn't anyone do whatever it takes to keep something that is theirs? Yes, human beings are not personal items like a key or a book but every person always holds something in another person's heart. I belonged to my father and so he made me his so I would never leave him again.

I laughed at the thoughts that went through my head and sighed. I'm justifying so much but in the end I'm nothing but a scared little puppy that would do anything for his Master. Even if that meant making my own pure hands soiled with blood and sin.

Kami, I'm pathetic.

I shook my head and ran some warm water in the tub. I watched it rise and started to take out my necessary bathing supplies. I took my sponge, shower gel and my shampoo and conditioner; all of which had a wonderful smell of peaches. I turned off the water and got in, sighing in total content as my sore body relaxed. My pain from earlier in the day went away. I felt as if I just stayed home from school and nothing had happened to me. I then laughed out loud as I thought that. Of course something happened to me! Something always happens to me and it will continue to be that way until Kami decides to stop being such an asshole and let me die already!

I looked at my wrists again and thought about what I could possibly do to end it all. I could keep trying the usual method, I don't mind it but I knew that no matter what I'd always survive it. I called myself a failed suicide experiment because no matter how deep I cut or how much blood would pour I somehow survived it. I'd somehow wake up the next day or the next couple of days and be fine. I sometimes believed that I was put on this Earth to try and kill myself over and over again just to see that all my efforts were fruitless. I'm a failed suicide experiment. I'm meant to just kill myself over and over only to wake up and see that I'm still alive and forced to suffer through my life. That's the only reason why I'm here on this planet. Kami's testing me to see how far I'll go before I snap. Well he's gonna be waiting a long time because I'll be fine. I haven't lost my sanity yet.

Even though it seems that way . . .

I sighed again and took my shower gel and sponge and started to wash myself, wincing more often than I'd like to admit. As I did though I couldn't help but think back to the very first time I ever tried to kill myself. Of course I didn't understand the concept of dying and didn't even know how to pronounce suicide but I knew that I wanted to get away and the method I thought of was the only way to do it.

I was five at the time, so a good decade ago, and things had already began to get strange. My father started suggesting that I start touching him and let him touch me as well. My mother hadn't changed a lot but she began to be over protective of me. They started arguing a lot too and when I was younger I hated seeing any kind of fighting but whenever I asked them to stop I'd get yelled at and no child wants to get yelled at.

We were going to visit my grandfather from my father's side that day and were going to take a train. I loved trains, watching the world go by at fast paces were something unexplainable to me. Anything that went fast fascinated me to be honest. I honestly couldn't wait. That's when it all started however.

My parents started to argue. I don't remember what it was about all I know was that I was trying to make them stop. I remember almost crying when they both told me to shut up and that it wasn't my business, which only caused them to argue more since they both didn't like how the other handled my nosiness. I had a grip on my mother's hand at the time but had let go when the arguing became too much. It was then that I had a sudden urge to disappear. I had an urge to run and do something. I didn't know what it was but it was pulling me towards the tracks.

It was then that I started to run. I had looked back twice to see if my parents would stop me but they showed no sign of even knowing I was gone. I had felt a sense of lost at that moment. They wouldn't have cared if I disappeared. That was what I thought and that was what I believed as I continued to run to the tracks. I felt relief as I got closer to them and my excitement only grew as I then started to hear the train approaching. I was gonna get away from it all; the arguing, the weird touching, the odd things that were happening . . . everything. All I had to do now . . . was jump.

Once I was about to though I felt someone grab me and pull me into their arms. I looked up to see my father's dark hair. My mother came up from behind him, breathing heavily and her eyes held worry and relief. When my father looked at me his eyes showed happiness and relief. It was then I thought that all the arguing was over. I was sure surprised when we got home from our long trip and they started arguing again.

I sighed as I washed out the conditioner from my hair and proceeded to put more in for the third time. I had to triple condition my hair. For some reason once or twice was just never enough. Then again you'd think I'd cut my hair to keep from washing it so much but I got used to it. My hair grew fast so I had to adapt to it quickly especially since my parents stopped giving me haircuts and I refused to let anyone else near it.

As I waited for the needed five or ten minutes that I normally waste for my hair I thought back to my first actual suicide. I was eight and it was a couple of days after my father had first raped me. No one was home that day from what I could remember and I think I had just woken up from that horrible night. There was nothing but pain. Now I still didn't know what the hell suicide was but I knew what dying meant and when that urge to disappear came back I knew that that was what I wanted.

I wanted to die . . .

It's so sad now that I think about it. An eight year old wanted-no needed-to die. That eight year old wanted to get away from all the pain and all the suffering. That same eight year old took a knife and made a nice long cut down his arm. He thought he'd be alright after that but alas it was not meant to be. I sighed as I remembered that day. I woke up two weeks after that incident and the first person I saw was my father. I don't think I was ever as scared as I was on that day my eyes opened to see their mirrored orbs staring back.

I sighed as I took my hair out of its bun and washed out the conditioner for the last time and then let the tub water go down the drain. I sat there and watched as all the water disappeared. I then turned the shower on and sighed as the warm water hit me from above. Still though I stayed sitting in the tub and watched as any leftover suds left my hair and go into the drain. I just sat there for a while, thinking I guess. I don't really know what I was thinking about I just let my mind wander and just focused my eyes on a random spot.

After a while I sighed and stood up. I washed my body again and turned off the water completely. I stepped out and took two towels. I dried myself off with one and then dried my hair out with the other. I then stepped out of the bathroom and back into my room. I looked at my bed and then at my futon. I had to change the sheets to both of them but I really didn't feel like doing anything. I looked at my room and wondered if I could really change my life. I scoffed. There was no way in hell that was gonna happen. Doesn't matter what kind of faith I had. Faith wasn't there in the beginning and I doubt faith would be there now.

I then suddenly felt that urge again and I smirked. I could easily run away now. I could run to the cops and tell them what's going on. I could try and live with Kage and his father. It would be perfect. I could be free of this hell hole. I know all of this and yet . . . and yet I can't seem to find the energy to do it. I can't seem to move my legs.

I went over to my dresser and took out my razor. I held it up as I made a silent prayer that this is what could help me get out of this mess. I sighed and made a long cut starting from my wrist and made a curve going to my elbow, smiling at the blood I saw. I sat down on the floor, lay down and watched the blood pour. I then smiled again, closing my eyes and hoping that I wouldn't open them.

However watch and be amazed as I awake from this dream and enter a never ending nightmare.

AretsuH: There! I gave you your chapters! Hope you enjoy! Now on to write 44 more . . . sigh . . .

Kai: Ray wake up!

Ray: (opens eyes) Can't I die in piece? If I die then he can't hurt me anymore! (points to AretsuH)

Kai: Didn't you hear him? You have at least 44 more chapters of torment to go.

Ray: ...

Kai: I think he's shocked

Good! Now to my viewers!

Chaseha-Wing: Yay! You reviewed again! (looks at mess) That's gonna take a while to clean up . . . but sorry hun I still need him! Glad to know you still love my work!

soul less life: YAY! A new reviewer! I'm glad you like the story and yes Ray's going through Hell but it's worth it I swear!

Ray: No it's not!

Kai: Ahem . . .

OH! Right! Kai do me the honors please!

Kai: (puts on reading glasses) Aretsu Hiwatari doesn't own Beyblade if he did well . . . I've already said this . . . (stares at readers) Look guys I know you want to see me and you want me to save Ray and all but I won't be in the story or even mentioned in the story until . . . (looks at notes) Chapter 10 or 11. It's gonna be a bit folks. Sorry to disappoint.

READ AND REVIEW PLEASE!