September 13

Dear Mom,

I know, it's been so long since I've talked to you, but I don't have much time anymore to visit your grave, that dad insisted on putting in our back yard. Charlie still doesn't know about your real body being here, closed casket ceremony, remember? I'm 8 years old, looking about 16, life is different without you here. I wish I knew you. I feel so heavy with all this guilt on my shoulders. I feel like I've killed you myself. Dad and Jacob say I shouldn't think like that.

Jacob, yeah. He's been my best friend ever since you've died. He thinks we should go to the same school but dad isn't so sure. Jacob hasn't changed much, except he's gotten bigger in muscle. Billy died a few years after you did and Jacob's taking it hard. He decided to sell the house he spent his child hood days in. Grandma made him his own house on the reservation, didn't take too long considering she's a vampire. But the rest of the family moved to Alaska, leaving me and dad here.

Anyways, I think Dad's been taking today pretty hard. Ever since I woke up this morning, all he did was mope, mope, mope. I had to ask him three times what was for breakfast, he didn't answer and I decided to make my own. I knew why though, it's your birthday today. Mine was three days ago and I didn't ask for anything. I didn't expect anything either. Sometimes I wonder if dad actually hates me. I know what you're thinking "of course not, Renesmee! Why would you think such a thing?" maybe the fact that I killed you would be something.

Me? Well, i'm okay... sort of. Jacob's the only one to make me happy now a days. Other than that, I mostly... well, sleep around, I should say. Yeah, I lost my virginity not too long ago to someone in my history class. He just moved when I thought we were getting somewhere. So, that's what I do when I'm at a party: get drunk, fuck with a guy or two and just leave.

Does Jacob know about this? Yeah, he's the one who picks me up. I have no one else to call. The pack? Well... let's just say I slept with one or two of them... maybe more, almost the whole pack, even Quil. From what I can see, Jacob's fine. Not to say he's okay with it but he's taking me as lightly as possible. I know he doesn't want to be like my dad. He doesn't want to be over protective, but not care free either.

I try to hold in my depression as much as possible. I know, I'm not the kind of daughter you would want. I can't say that I haven't thought about suicide, but neither has dad. Some kind of promise you made him keep about me or something.

How was my day? Okay, here's how it goes: I got up, got dressed, watched dad mope, eat breakfast, the usual for a Sunday. I went to Jacob's house too, and we hung out in his new garage.

"Jacob," I asked. He looked at me while wiping the oil off his hands. "Did you ever think about opening a business and... getting paid for what you do? It's nice and all that you're doing it all for free but..." he pursed his lips and looked at me for a second.

"To be honest, I have." He said.

"Why don't you consider it then?" I asked. He shrugged.

"I don't have the time or patience of it, Nessie." (You probably have guessed Jake gave me that nick name, I hope you don't mind it.) "I have the pack, bills, you—,"

"You don't have to take care of me, Jake. That's my dad's job." He got out some soda for himself and a cold bottle of water for me. I hated the taste of soda, I guess it's because I'm part vampire. It's so sweet, too sweet for my taste.

"Still, I have too much on my plate. Even if I subtract you, I still have too much here." I sighed and took a swig of my water. Then looked at it for a second and frowned.

"Have any beer?" I asked. He sighed and rolled his eyes.

"No alcohol, Ness." I pouted and took another swig. We were silent, a little uncomfortable for my liking.

"So... any bonfires coming up?" he shook his head.

"The next one is in a week from now. Bur you have a math test to study for." It was weird how Jacob knew my schedule better than I did. Maybe he looked at my planner more than once or twice, maybe he stalked me at school, I don't know.

"But I'll study on Saturday!" he sighed.

"Fine, fail." I giggled.

"I'm okay with math anyways, Jake." I stated. He nodded.

"That's true." He said. He got back to work and then I went inside to make him lunch.

When I boiled pasta for him, he came inside and sat down. Then he asked me the weirdest thing:

"Have you ever considered dating?" he asked out of random. I almost dropped the spoon I was holding. I turned to him. "You know, like a real relationship instead of a one night stand?" I laughed a little, without humour.

"I don't have one night stands all the time," I argued. "I've been with Embry more than once." Yeah, apparently Embry has been my voted favourite. Him next to Quil. I turned back around to continue stirring the pasta. I didn't want to look at his face when I brought up me sleeping with his friends.

"But, Ness, don't you want more than that? Like, someone you can just... cry to or just, talk?"

"I have you." I pointed out.

"But we're not in a relationship, I'm your friend. Maybe I described that wrong." He bit his lip...

Mom, has Jacob ever been in a relationship before? It didn't look like it.

"Jacob, I don't need someone to take care of me or anything. I have you and dad." I smiled and started serving him the spaghetti.

"Yeah but don't you want someone to... hold your hand? Kiss you and love you?" I bit my lip. I haven't really given much thought into it, to tell the truth. Then something caught me off guard.

"Are you saying I should date you?" I squinted my eyes in suspicion. He was stuffing his mouth with the food I gave him and he held out his hands in defence. I waited for him to swallow.

"No," he said. "I'm just saying that maybe you should... give it some thought, you know?"

"Does Embry want a relationship?" I know it'd be typical for Embry to talk to Jacob about that, but never something about a relationship. He shrugged.

"He never mentioned it, but it's a start." I sighed.

"Okay, fine." I said, sitting down in front of him. "If you're okay with me going out with your friend—,"

"Wait, no, Embry's no good." I raised one eye brow. "He'll just want to fuck all the time..." I buried my head into my hands. That was true.

"I really don't care, Jake." I said. "I don't need a relationship."

"But it'd be good for you." He started raising his voice. I got up from the table.

"Are you saying I'm not normal?" I asked. His eyes widened. He shook his head. "Jake, you're right. I'm not normal. I'm half vampire for crying out loud!"

I left the house then and just drove here. I took this piece of paper from the church, hope the pastor doesn't mind.

I'm here because I've been thinking about what Jacob said... about the relationship thing. I didn't want to be alone... for forever. Even if I have Jacob, he'll marry one day and he'll have no time for me. Gosh, I'll miss him...

So next time I see Embry, I'll talk to him about it. I know he may not be the best choice but he's the closest thing to a boyfriend I've got. I'm really only doing this because it's what Jacob wants to see. I'd do ANYTHING for Jake.

I better go take care of Dad.

Happy birthday, Renesmee Carlie Cullen

AN: To continue showing my journal entries only, I need you guys to send me at least 3-10 reviews so I know you guys are reading this. So, yeah, please review. (I hope you don't mind the journal thing) feel free to check my other stories as well

-Nessie