Disclaimer: not mine, I wish it were.

A/N: I am not sure where this is going, I just really felt the need to write it. the story starts off after Bad Reputations, the last time Rachel and Jesse spoke was the scene at her locker.

The Bitch of Living

She knew it the moment he stepped away from her locker. That didn't stop her from sending a half dozen texts and leaving an embarrassing number of messages on his voicemail. It didn't stop her from checking for his car in the parking lot the next morning or scanning the hallways for his perfectly coiffed hair. She was actually able to hold out hope until Jacob approached her in the hallway right before first period.

"Not now Jacob." She was in no mood to deal with him.

"I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am to hear about your breakup," He continued as though she hadn't interrupted. "And to offer you my shoulder to cry on if -" Rachel slammed her locker closed.

"I don't know where you get your information, but Jesse and I are NOT broken up." She said scathingly, and turned to storm away dramatically.

"Then why did he withdraw himself from school." The words brought her up short and she felt a sudden pain in her chest.

"Where did you hear that?" she asked him, and hated the slight quiver in her voice.

"I have a source in the principal's office." She could hear the superior smile in his voice, "He and his parents were here an hour ago." she turned back around to face him and saw the smug look on his face. "Your boyfriend is gone."

She opened up her mouth to reply, but couldn't think of a single word to say. She turned and ran away, not bothering to look back when she heard the splash of a slushie and Jacob let out an indignant cry behind her. She didn't let the first tear fall until she was safely inside a closed bathroom stall. He was gone.

"I should have been enough for you" the words echoed through her head and it only hurt more to know that they were true and she only has herself to blame. She wanted to be "Musically promiscuous" and hadn't considered what sort of signal that would send to Jesse, or Puck, or Finn. Once again the only person whose feelings she considered were her own, and now she was forced to deal with the consequences. The sound of the bell ringing for first period was amplified by the bathroom walls and startled her out of her painful reverie.

For a moment she debated cutting class and going home to continue crying, but she dismissed the thought. Daddy would still be there, and as well intentioned as his concern may be, she really didn't want to have this conversation with him. Stepping out of the stall she used toilet paper to clean the tear stains as best she could and tried to make herself look as presentable and camera ready as possible. She stared at herself in the mirror until she could force her pained features into a well practiced look of composed calmness and then marched back out into the quickly emptying hallways to face the world.

She made it to class just before the tardy bell rang and it felt like everyone in the room was looking at her. It was amazing how the attention she would usually relish in had now become suffocating. As she made her way to her empty desk she just knew that every whisper behind cupped hands and secretive giggle was about her. But, of course, they weren't. Not even Jacob could spread gossip that fast, but the empty desk beside her felt like a flashing neon sign, announcing to all of McKinley high that she had driven away another boy.

She closed her eyes and pushed those thoughts away. Mr. Herbert had already started scribbling on the board, and she had to scramble to get out a notebook and pen to take down notes. And somehow she managed to make it through her first period, and her second period after that. She almost thought that she might be able to make it through the day under the radar, but that notion was shattered in third period when Finn plopped down next to her in the chair that, until today, Jesse had filled.

"Hey," he said pleasantly.

"Hello Finn," she says politely, "Did you finish the assignment from chapter five? I spent nearly an hour looking for the answer to question 6 in the book, until finally I found it in chapter 4, and I know that Ms. Glass throws in questions from other chapters intentionally in order to waste our time," she was rambling, but it was the only thing she can think of doing (short of bursting out into song) in order to avoid the topic he wanted to discuss. "I don't know how knowing about mitosis is going to help me with my Broadway career. It's like –"

"SO I heard about Jesse," he interrupted loudly, once again showing his subtlety. "I'm sorry –"

"No you're not," Rachel said, being equally abrupt.

"No, I'm not," he admitted unabashedly. "Listen, how about you and I go out tonight and…talk or something?"

She didn't even want to think about what the 'or something' might be. "Finn -"

"Ms. Berry, Mr. Hudson, should I wait until your conversation is over?" Ms. Glass asked from the front of the class, sparing Rachel the trouble of answering immediately.

"No! Sorry!" she said quickly before ducking her head. Finn mumbled an apology beside her and the lesson carried on with Rachel studiously ignoring Finn's attempts to catch her eye. So of course this would be the first time all semester that the time flew by in biology class. Before the bell even rang had most of her things packed away and she was about to make a dash for the door when Finn stood up directly in her path. She watched in resignation as Quinn, Santana, Brittney and the rest of the class streamed out, leaving them alone.

"So, what do you say?" he asked determinedly.

"Finn – I can't," Rachel told him, her anxiety to get this over and done with prompting her to talk faster. "I am not in any state of mind to commit myself to a new relationship, especially since I'm not sure what's going on with Jesse – "

"Not sure?" He asked incredulously, "Rachel he withdrew himself from school." Apparently the news didn't take that long to travel. "He just left! He abandoned you…and abandoned the Glee club." He took a step closer and looked at her with those big puppy dog eyes. "I would never do that to you."

She had to look away, "No, you would breakup with me for no reason at all, and then start dating Santana and Brittney." It came out angry and defensive, "I thought you wanted to be a rock star. Whatever happened to that?" She knew it wasn't fair, but neither was forcing this conversation on her.

"Is that what this is about?" She could hear the frustration in his voice. "I know I messed up, but all the calendars, and couples schedules and duets, and matching his and hers outfits…You just came on too strong, too soon...I wasn't ready to make that much of a commitment…"

Rachel nodded and tried to walk around him, "But I am now!" He added quickly, causing her to stop with a sigh.

"Finn, he's been gone for three hours. I'm just not ready to start dating yet," she told him tiredly.

"Then I'll wait until you are," he told her just as determinedly as before.

"Fine," she conceded, just so she could be done with this conversation. "I'll see you in glee club." She told him and walked out the door without waiting for a reply. Finally out of the classroom she realized that it was now her lunch time, which she had fallen into the habit of spending with Jesse since they'd started dating. She didn't know how he had managed to integrate himself into almost every aspect of her life so quickly, but she felt his absence keenly in that moment. She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn't notice the football jersey moving her way until she felt the icy chill of strawberry slushie hit her face.

Perfect, she thought as she felt the ice begin to slide under the neck of her shirt, and the chuckles and jeers moved past her down the hall. She stopped by her locker to get the spare clothes she always kept on hand before going to the bathroom to change. Luckily none of it had leaked into her underclothes yet, so she just had to change the top layers. This was the first time in weeks she had been slushied. Ever since Jesse had stepped between her and a slushie carrying jock and made it explicitly clear that anyone who threw a slushie at his girlfriend would have to deal with him, most of the jock's seemed surprisingly cowed. As much as Rachel abhorred violence (she liked to think that it had been an empty threat) she couldn't help being turned on by his chivalry.

She supposed this was the jock's way of letting her know that her free hall pass was now over. She was just putting on her new outfit when she heard the door to the bathroom slam open and someone retching a few stalls down. She put her soaked clothes in a sealed bag and stepped out of her stall, just as she heard coughing and a toilet flushing. Reaching into her backpack she pulled out an unopened bottle of water and held it out as Quinn stepped out of the nearby stall. For a moment she looks startled and a little embarrassed, but she quickly hid it behind her usual mask.

"Are you alright?" Rachel asked with concern.

"I'm pregnant," Quinn responded dryly.

Rachel felt her cheeks warm at the obviousness of her question, but continued to hold out the water. "It's unopened." She assured Quinn, in case the other girl was concerned about catching some sort of social awkwardness bug. Quinn just stared. She was about to return the water to her bag when Quinn stepped forward and took it from her hand. "Thank you." She said simple, before walking over to the sink and using it to rinse out her mouth.

For a moment Rachel was surprised that she actually accepted the help, and didn't know what to do with herself. The awkwardness was set aside when she felt a bit of ice drip down the side of her face and hurries over to the sink to rinse out her hair once again. She became so engrossed in getting out the last of the sticky corn syrup that she was surprised when she lifted her head from the sink to find Quinn staring at her. Rachel quickly grabbed a towel to dry her hair and expected Quinn to turn away, but she just continued staring.

"After all that work you put in to get him to notice you, you're seriously not going to go out with him?" Quinn asked incredulously. Although her words held no anger or malice they still made Rachel feel incredibly uncomfortable.

She started awkwardly, "Quinn…I'm – "

"Don't." Quinn said decisively, "I'm over it." When Rachel still looked skeptical she continued, "He would have found out sooner or later, and as much as it hurt, sooner was definitely better than later." She put a hand over her belly, and for a moment Rachel could see the sadness in her eyes. "Anyway, we aren't talking about me."

"How do you even know he asked me out?"

"Besides the fact that I was sitting directly behind you two?" Quinn asked sarcastically, "Finn is about as subtle as drunken elephant. Stop trying to change the subject."

"Finn is a great guy," Rachel answered slowly, actually considering the question this time, "but Jesse is the first guy I've ever met who actually gets me. I mean, He has a Broadway collection big enough to rival my own, he actually understands my jokes and references, and he has similar ambitions. And on top of that, I didn't have to pressure him into joining the Glee club. He's one of the most talented singers I have ever met…" Her voice trailed off as she stood there with a slightly dreamy look on her face.

"Oh god," Quinn said with an eye roll and an amused expression, snapping Rachel out of her musings. "At least some things never change," she said wryly. "You've always been one to fall fast." She elaborated when she noticed Rachel's confused look.

"No I haven't," Rachel retorted, not sure whether she should be insulted or not.

"Yes, you have!" Quinn exclaimed with a slight laugh. "About a week after 'Justified' came out you were absolutely convinced that Justin Timberlake was your soul mate."

Rachel laughed out loud, "I first became interested in him back when he was in N'Sync. His venturing out into a solo career just solidified my love for him, as an artist and a human being, and confirmed my suspicions that the rest of the band was just holding him back from reaching his true potential. My love for him took years to blossom and is still very much alive today." Rachel defended avidly, as she remembered the days spent sitting in her room with Quinn playing that CD on repeat until it started to skip, and Quinn refused to come over until she stopped playing it. With all the drama that had taken over their lives since they entered high school it was easy to forget that they had once been friends. In fact, it had become an unspoken understanding between them that they would both pretend as though it had never happened. This was the first time since middle school that either of them had brought it up, and for the first time in years Rachel felt comfortable confiding in Quinn.

"I know it's fast," she said seriously as Quinn's laughter died down. "But I've never felt this way about a guy before. For the first time in my life I feel like someone fully accepts me for who I am. He's seen my flaws and hasn't asked me to change a single thing. Jesse makes me feel like it's ok to be me," she said with a small shrug and a new sense of loss. This was the first time she had said any of this out loud.

Quinn nodded her head sadly, "You know, I am just starting to figure out how important that really is. I spent so much time making myself into the person that everyone else wanted me to be…the perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend, the head cheerleader…and now that I can't be that person anymore …" she let that train of thought trail off, "I'm sorry, about your break up with Jesse." She said sincerely.

Rachel simply nodded her head in acceptance, sensing that the conversation was over. Quinn nodded back and walked out of the bathroom with pains of her own to think about. Rachel remained in the same position, somewhat shocked that she had just had a civil conversation with Quinn Fabray, perhaps the first one in years that didn't contain any insults or slights.

She ended up waiting out her lunch period in the library, and made it through her final class without any further incidents. When the final bell rang Rachel lingered a little longer than necessary in the classroom, taking her time as she packed away her things, and generally just stalling for as long as she could, but soon her desk was entirely cleared, and despite dragging her feet she eventually found herself standing outside the door to the choir room.

This time when she walked through the door everyone really was staring at her, and the room went silent. Apparently she had just interrupted a very lively discussion between Finn, Kurt, Artie, Tina and Mercedes, and no one looked very happy.

"Well, speak of the devil." Kurt said haughtily.

"So, first you force your little boyfriend onto the team and get him into all the lead male roles, then he dumps you and leaves us all high and dry?" Mercedes questioned angrily, never one to shrink from confrontation.

"I told you he was a spy." Santana said matter-of-factly from her seat next to Brittany.

"No he wasn't!" Rachel exclaimed, feeling the need to defend Jesse and herself, "Just because he left the glee club doesn't make him a spy."

"Oh please," Kurt laughed derisively, "he used you in order to infiltrate the club, and now that he's gone you just can't admit it."

"Hey, back off," Finn stepped in, and Rachel felt a swell of gratitude, "you guys know Rachel cares about this club more than anyone. It's not her fault she got played by Jesse."

"It's entirely her fault," Kurt responded dryly.

"Alright, enough!" Mr. Schue said before Rachel could once again raise a defense. At some point during their conversation he had slipped in unnoticed. "Everybody take a seat." He told them, and the matter was momentarily dropped as everyone found a chair to sit in. Rachel ended up in the second row, between Finn and Mike Chang, who didn't seem to have taken a side in the argument.

"Now, as I'm sure you've all heard by now, Jesse St. James has quit the glee club, so we are going to need to reassign some roles," He said with a not so subtle glance at Finn, who had begun playing second fiddle since Jesse's arrival.

"Mr. Schue, what are we going to do about our set list? Jesse knows everything about us, and there's no way he isn't going to tell Vocal adrenaline." Artie asked.

"We've hardly worked on a set list since he's been here!" Rachel could feel her frustration rising.

"Guys, listen, we're just going to have to work at it that much harder," Mr. Shue told them simply and elicited a few groans. "A set list is just a set list, what you have – what makes this club so special – isn't something that Vocal Adrenaline can steal. I know that if we put our minds to it we're going to kill at regionals," he said encouragingly, but the tension from before still lingered in the air.

"Alright, come on, guys!" Mr. Schue said imploringly, trying to get a rise out of them, "Are there any suggestions for this week's songs?" he decided that appealing to their creative sides would get a response.

"How about heartbreak?" Kurt asked sarcastically. Rachel wished she had left this morning when she had the chance, but knew that it would've only been worse if she had waited to face them.

"We haven't done betrayal yet," Mercedes suggested with a slight smirk at Kurt.

"OR, how about we practice 'Somebody to love' for Regionals?" Rachel asked loudly, refusing to rise to their bait.

"Or we could do 'don't stop believing', it feels like we haven't practiced that one in a while…" Quinn jumped in for the first time, and Rachel turned around to shoot her a look of gratitude and surprise. Despite their heart to heart in the bathroom earlier she hadn't expected Quinn to openly take her side on any topic.

"Great suggestions…I think we're gonna go with Mercedes idea this week," Mr. Shcue decides after a quick deliberation. There were obviously some feeling these kids needed to work out, and it was better to do it now through song than let it fester."Ok, so I'm gonna end this meeting early so you can all get started on those songs."

Conversations once again picked up as everyone began filing out of the room, and Rachel got up from her seat feeling like she just went through the longest day of her life. Betrayal, she thought as she made her way out to the parking lot. The show choir professional in her was already cataloging emotionally resonant songs, but the rest of her still hadn't accepted it as true. She got in her car and puts her keys into the ignition, sitting there for a moment in indecision. By the time she pulled out of the parking lot she had made her decision. She had to go see him.

Please leave a review, and tell me if I should continue.