A/N~ AU Harry and Ruth first time meeting. This is really silly and ultra fluffy.

*Disclaimer~ The chat up lines here in are real and unfortunately have been used. Use extreme caution if any such lines are spoken. The usage may cause harm, i.e. drink thrown in face, laughter or a good dry slap. The quotes from Zoë are from the book '[Spooks] The Personnel Files' Don't own Spooks. For shame.

Chatting Up

Chapter 1~

Her notes were scribbled onto the paper. She was taking in every word with absolute conviction. She had it down, the vices, the 3 principle ways, the need and extreme importance of the alias. She was ready…substantially …Okay maybe not substantially but fundamentally? Or…practically? Yes. She was practically ready.

She looked up at the lovely blonde officer wondering what traps she had set on men. How did she use her sexuality to ensnare them? Well that thought came and went quite quickly. She knew exactly how. She was tall and gorgeous and what man wouldn't want her? But she had her notes, the seminar was almost over and soon she'd be able to go home and never her mind about it. She was to be an analyst not a field agent. She perked back up to what she thought was to be the conclusion of the lecture.

'And now the fun stuff. In your groups I'd like you to split into pairs of the opposite sex and sit together at the tables dotted around the room. I don't know if you've ever done speed- dating. Well, today, we're going to do speed-honey-trapping. I want the girls to flirt their way into the boys' confidences. And I want the boys to be as stubborn as possible. You have three minutes before moving on to the next table. We'll compare notes afterwards.'

What! The constant voice inside her head shouted.

A 'speed honey-trapping' exercise? And she only had three minutes…. THREE bloody minutes to seduce a fellow officer? Heat rose to her cheeks and her pulse started to race at the prospect. She looked around the room at the poor people she was about to assault with her cheesy chat up lines and awkwardness. They were all in their early twenties and quite beautiful. She didn't know why she had to go through this training in the first place. She was an analyst for crying out loud. She wasn't even going into the field. She tried to calm her nerves. Deep breath after deep breath. And she wanted to be a spy so badly. Her heart pounded and the adrenaline over took her nerves. If this is what it took she was going to put on her best face and start to flirt the shirts off these guys.

(Ruth sits down in front of Incredibly Handsome Spy #1)

IHS#1~ (looks disinterested)

Ruth~ 'Why hello.' (whispered seductively) 'Do you come here often?'

IHS#1~ 'What?' (brow furrows) I can't hear you.'

Ruth~ (a little louder, less seductive.) 'I said, do you come here often?'

IHS#1~ 'No.'

Ruth~ 'Me either. My first time really. I hate places like these. So many people crowded together. It'd be nice to just find a quiet table to talk don't you think?'

IHS#1~ 'No.'

Ruth~ 'Oh. Erm.' (tries a different approach) 'You have very nice… erm…. hands. Do you workout?'

IHS#1 'No.'

Ruth~ Oh, well you look like you do. Very fine physique and… arms. I can just imagine what it's like underneath those…(clears throat) clothes….(turns bright red) I like to run myself. (boldfacedlie). Keeps me in shape…. Keeps me very… taut. (rambles) It's good to get those endorphins. I thrive on them really. You know there is another way to release them…. endorphins. (reaches out to stroke his hand. Giving him a wink. Licking her lips.)

And the buzzer goes off. Thanking the heavens above. She can't stifle the groan nor mask eye roll. She refuses to make eye contact with the man… She feels like an idiot. Quickly she stands up to take her next stab at this humiliation. One down seven to go.

(On to the next victim)

Stunningly Handsome Spy #2

Ruth~ 'Hi. (overly enthusiastic smile) I'm Betsy.'

SHS#2~ ' I'm John.'

'Oh it's so so nice to meet you. So where are you from?'

SHS#2~ (place by the sea a bunch of chatter from him, Ruth can't get a word in really)

Ruth~ 'Nice area. Did you grow up by the water then?'

SHS#2~ 'Yes'

Ruth~ 'I bet you've got a boat. (twirls her finger in her hair and bats eyes) You look like the type to have a boat.'

SHS#2~ 'My parents keep one, yes.'

Ruth~ 'Well since you've got the ship, I've got the harbor...what say we tie up for the night?'

*Buzz

Heroically Handsome Spy #3

Ruth~ 'Fat Penguin.'

HHS#3~ 'I'm sorry?'

Ruth~ 'I just thought I'd say something to break the ice.' (chuckles at own joke)

HHS#3~ (smiles but quickly tucks it away) 'Yeah, that'll do it.'

Ruth~ 'So, tell me about yourself, your dreams, your ambitions, (with a sly smile) your phone number…'

HHS#3~(Ignoring her last request he drones on about his dog and how he hopes to somehow use dogs in undercover operations using a new technique he's patented by means of animal hypnosis.)

Ruth~ (listening, fervently hoping he's not serious and this is some horrible cover story) 'Blah, blah, blah'

HHS#3~ 'I've actually pitched the idea to the head of Section D.'

Ruth~ 'Oh no, he is serious' 'Wow. (Politely trying to hide shock) And what did he say?'

HHS#3~ (leaning in as if to tell a juicy secret) 'He said he'd get back to me.'

Ruth~ (incredulous) 'Hmmm. Good luck with that. I'm sure Harry Pearce will get right on top of that.' (mildly sarcastic)

HHS#3~ 'Oh, have you met him?' (overly excited)

Ruth~ 'No, I've just heard of him. Researched all I could about him. Research is my specialty. And despite being damned good at what I do, I have yet to get a hold of a photo of the man. You know spooks… the whole lot of them…. camera shy. (small grin)

*Buzz

The other interactions just got more awkward as they went along. Though she was starting to have some fun. Trying to come up with the most ridiculous lines. If she was going to embarrass herself she was going to do so thoroughly.

HottieMcHot Spy# 4 ~

'That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed. So why don't you surprise your flat mate and not come home tonight?'

'I want to bear your children, you're so handsome' Spy #5~

'Do you believe in the hereafter? (IWTBYCYSHS#5 nods) Yes? Then you know what I'm here after.'

Absurdly Beautiful Spy #6~

'Baby, I would do more things to you than MacGyver in a "Do-It-Yourself Shop".'

Inconceivably Pretty Boy Spy #7~

'Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?'

Staggeringly Attractive Spy #8~

'I'm a Love Pirate, and I'm here for your booty! ARRRGGGHHH!'

And then there were none.

Finally the torture ended. She was finished. They were to compare notes and then be done for the day. With each word nearing the end of the seminar her mind eased a little more until the words, 'This evening we're going to test what we've learned in a more practical situation. Staying in teams of two, you'll be assigned to various bars around London.' reached her ears.

'Oh...no.'

I hope I got a giggle or two. More to come if you like. Reviews always welcomed. Ta.