Inspired by the works of Darth Maligna, LittleKuriboh and That Guy With The Glasses, a girl with no sense of humour attempts to take a television adaptation of a book she loves and make it comical.

Please remember that this is all in good humour - I actually like both the Terry Goodkind books and the TV series, so there's no need to get cross. Remember: "Don't take life seriously. Nobody ever gets out alive anyway."

Mild swearing and sexual humour - you are kindly warned. ;)

Now, without further ado, I present ...

THE LEGEND OF THE STREAKER

(AKA 'THE LEGEND OF THE SEEKER': RIDICULED BECAUSE I CARE)

[Scene opens in a desert in the middle of nowhere that was definitely not in the book. This is calmly overlooked by the avid Terry Goodkind fans for now, as they excitedly recognise one of the two women running through it: Kahlan. The other is her sister, Dennee, who should be dead by now according to the books but that's quickly remedied as she gets shot down by the four heavily armed men pursuing them.]

DENNEE: Oh damn it. Here, Kahlan, take my screentime.

KAHLAN: Gladly. Buh-bye!

BOOK FANS: Kaylin? It's pronounced Kaylin?

[It's not the only thing this series will mess with. Let it go.]

EVIL MEN: Grr!

KAHLAN: Running!

[A big glowy green wall appears – the Boundary – which I'm pretty sure was meant to be invisible but ohwellnevermind. Kahlin magically blasts her way through and the evil men follow her.]

KAHLAN: Still running!

EVIL MEN: Gotcha!

RICHARD: Hey, pretty lady, are you in trouble?

KAHLAN: Err …

RICHARD: I'm going to assume you are, and that you're not an escaped convict who's just been caught by the authorities, on the basis that you are wearing white, and only goodies wear white.

BOOK FANS: But Darken –

RICHARD: Shh! Only goodies! Now allow me to help you slaughter these nasty men who are obviously evil because they are in red.

[Somewhere, far away, Light Yagami is looking very awkward indeed. But Richard hardly gets a chance to show off his slaughtering skillz because Kahlan immediately grabs one of the men by the throat and starts doing magic.]

KAHLAN: Moon prism power! I mean … awesome magical eyes cinematography sequence, go!

[Her eyes go black. The evil man's eyes go black.]

EVIL MAN: I am now confessed. Command me, Mother Confessor.

KAHLAN: Kill all of your friends!

RICHARD: Yep. She's definitely a goodie.

[Once all of the evil men are dead – including the confessed one, who … jumped over a cliff or something – Kahlan and Richard start walking through the woods. Did I fail to mention they're in the woods now? Oh. Whoops.]

RICHARD: Exposition time! I'm Richard Cypher, AKA Mister Kind Of Cute But Not Butch And Muscley Enough To Be Richard To The Book Fans.

BOOK FANS: Damn right, weed! Darken Rahl had better be blond and gorgeous!

[The people working in wardrobe worriedly hide a black wig behind their backs.]

RICHARD: And you?

KAHLAN: I'm Kahlan Amnell, Moth – err – Woman Of No Magical Importance Whatsoever.

RICHARD: So what's a Mother Confessor?

KAHLAN: Nothing.

RICHARD: What does 'confessed' mean?

KAHLAN: Nothing.

RICHARD: What did you do to that evil man?

KAHLAN: Nothing!

RICHARD: [Pause] Are you a nun?

[After much bickering about whether or not Kahlan is Catholic, they reach the house of Zeddicus Zul Zorander.]

RICHARD: This is the crazy chicken man. I can't pronounce his name, so I call him Zedd.

ZEDD: Hi! I'm naked but I have a chicken over my crotch so it's okay. What can I do you for?

KAHLAN: Hello First Wizard.

RICHARD: [Gasp!] Zedd's a wizard? The tall, kooky old man with long white hair that wears a robe? Who'd have thunk?

ZEDD: How did you know?

KAHLAN: Easy. All wizards have unpronounceable names and chicken fetishes. Now then, evil people from D'Hara have invaded my homeland and we're all bloody useless so we need you to come and rescue us by choosing a True Streaker, and if you don't I'll confess your ass off because I'm the Mother Confessor.

RICHARD: I knew you were a nun!

ZEDD: Fine. You can have Richard. Richard, here's a shiny sword. Try not to cut yourself on it. Can I go back to my chicken now?

KAHLAN: Nope. You're coming with us.

RICHARD: Will somebody please explain to me and the audience what a confessor is?

KAHLAN: Oh alright. I spent half of the book keeping it a mystery bit I don't think I could stand your whining. I have the power of love.

FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: The power of love! A force from above!

KAHLAN: No! This series is already bad enough. We're not having a musical number. Anyway, with one touch, I can mentally warp people to love me so much they'll do anything I command. It's a curse from which they'll never recover until the day I die.

RICHARD: Definitely a goodie.

KAHLAN: Further exposition time! This is the Book of Counted Shadows. It gives you evil powers. You need it to open the Boxes of Orden, which give you … even more evil powers … and that's what your now-evil-nemesis Darken Rahl is after. He's King of D'Hara and wants to rule the world for no adequately explained reason.

ZEDD: I thought it was because I murdered his father with wizard's fire in front of him when he was a child and in the process accidentally scorched off half of his co–

KAHLAN: Nope! He's just evil. Now onward, to glory!

[They leave the forest and journey to Kahlan's homeland, completely ignoring Richard's brother Michael and the awesome Chase along the way, because they're just not important enough characters for this satire.]

BOOK FANS: Mud people time!

KAHLAN: Nope! No time to befriend the indigenous people. Must be making tracks!

BOOK FANS: So what now?

KAHLAN: About twenty episodes of filler, angst, and helping people you've never heard of. And then possibly an episode recapping all of the filler, angst, and helping people you've never heard of.

ENTIRE AUDIENCE: Oh boy …

ZEDD: Look! Recognisable characters! In tight red leather!

BOOK FANS: Yay! Mord Sith!

[This time, they are right. There are Mord Sith in this series.]

RICHARD: Why are they wearing tight leather catsuits and carrying dil–

ZEDD: Agiels! They're carrying agiels! It's because they're the fanservice for the men watching this series.

RICHARD: Who's the fanservice for the women?

[In the People's Palace, D'Hara.]

RAHL: Hello I'm Darken Rahl. I'm not blond like the book repeatedly described and I'm not wearing white but all the ladies will forgive me because I am mind-numbingly gorgeous. You will all now look up Craig Parker and weep when you discover that he's gay.

[It's true. :'( ]

RAHL: Fanservice time!

[He licks his fingers and touches his lips. Half of the women in the audience faint.]

RAHL: Hmm. I don't think I should do that again. Better do something evil to put them off.

[He kills a random by-passer. It doesn't work.]

FANGIRLS: [Sigh, drool, swoon, et cetera …]

RAHL: Damn. Someone bring me Carl. That scene should put them off.

HENCHMAN: Sorry, sir. Carl was cut from the series.

RAHL: What? Well where's Demmin Nass? I can be creepy with him.

HENCHMAN: No, sir. He was cut, too. Probably considered too mature.

RAHL: Well of course. It's not like 'True Blood' is popular, is it?

[Back to the plot … sort of.]

ZEDD: Now Richard, you need to be careful around the Mord Sith. They'll probably want to capture you and torture you for information. So will the Sisters of the Light, for that matter, and the Sisters of the Dark, but they don't come in until Series Two. Luckily, nearly all of the confessors are dead so we don't need to worry about them.

RICHARD: What is it with all the psychotic dominatrix femme fatale cults in this series? Was Terry Goodkind gynophobic or something?

ZEDD: Richard, you're not being careful. You'll get captured.

RICHARD: Oops I got captured.

[The Mord Sith whisk him away to their lair and chain him up half naked.]

DENNA: Hello. My name is Denna and I will be your facilitator for the duration of your time here.

RICHARD: Which will entail …?

DENNA: Me repeatedly beating you into unconsciousness.

RICHARD: Wha–? I'm chained up topless and sweaty and a woman in tight leather is circling me with a dil–

DENNA: Agiel!

RICHARD: –in her hand and nothing remotely kinky is going to happen?

DENNA: Ayep.

RICHARD: I don't even get any agiel sex?

DENNA: Nope. Now allow me to cheerfully torture you off-screen for several days.

[Several days later.]

RICHARD: I'm in paaain … D':

DENNA: You know what, I've changed my mind. Maybe be can have agiel sex after all.

RICHARD: [Half dead.] Yaaaay …

[Kahlan and Zedd suddenly burst in.]

KAHLAN: Richard, we're here to save you!

RICHARD: Nooooo …

[They kill Denna and unchain Richard.]

OTHER MORD SITH: Flee!

[They flee.]

KAHLAN: Richard! We were so worried and I missed you so much and I've decided I'm in love you!

RICHARD: Oh goodie. Can we get naked now?

KAHLAN: [Giggle.] Oh silly! We could never do that! I might accidentally confess you and then you wouldn't be able to defeat Darken Rahl!

RICHARD: You are a nun, aren't you? :(

KAHLAN: Nope. Honest. :)

RICHARD: Now what?

JENNSEN: Boo! You don't know me but I'm your sister. We have the same mother. Isn't that awesome? Anyway she's dead now so I'm off to do God-knows-what for a while. Toodles!

ZEDD: Careful now! If you're anything like Richard, you'll get yourself captured really easily.

JENNSEN: Oops I got captured.

[Henchman manages to hit her on the head in exactly the right place to give her a handy bout of amnesia.]

JENNSEN: Where am I? Who am I? Why am I asked you all of these questions?

RAHL: Ooh, opportunity for conniving!

JENNSEN: Huh?

RAHL: Uhh … I'm the goodie, see, and Richard Cypher is an icky baddie. Be on my side and you can have this kitten.

JENNSEN: Yay, kitten!

FANGIRLS: You see! Darken Rahl's not that evil! He gives out kittens!

ALL: [Face palm.]

RAHL: Anyway, as you have amnesia I guess this is a good time for exposition. It turns out that you are Richard's mother's daughter and Richard's mother's ex-lover is my father.

JENNSEN: Which makes us …?

RAHL: Practically no relation at all, but it makes Richard Cypher my BROTHER! Rawhahahahahaha! I mean – err – boo hoo, my brother is a baddie.

BOOK FANS: What – no! You're his father, Rahl! Richard is you son! Search your feelings; you know it to be true!

RAHL: Sorry. Craig Parker is too young and sexy to have a grown up son. Now Jennsen, go out and get the Boxes of Orden for me.

JENNSEN: Okiedokey! Can I take my kitten?

RAHL: Err, no. Kitten stays here.

JENNSEN: Bye then!

[She meets Richard.]

JENNSEN: Eww, you're an icky baddie.

RICHARD: No I'm not. Darken Rahl is the icky baddie. I'm the goodie.

JENNSEN: Oh! I just conveniently got my memory back. So you are.

RICHARD: Well that was a pointless venture.

JENNSEN: This whole series is a pointless venture. By the way, Darken Rahl is your brother. Bye now!

[She waltzes away.]

RICHARD: Uh-buh-buh – WHAT? Did anyone else know about this? Are there any other people hanging around who just happen to be my relatives?

ZEDD: Oh, yes, I'm your grandfather.

KAHLAN: And there's always Nathan, but he probably won't ever come into this series so don't worry.

RICHARD: Right. Is that all?

ZEDD: Yes, I think so.

KAHLAN: Seems to about cover it.

RAHL: BOO!

RICHARD: Gah! What're you doing here?

RAHL: Well, we've covered all the sub-plots the writer can remember so now we're skipping to the finale. By the way, I now have all three Boxes of Orden and the Book of Counted Shadows. I don't know how or why but I'm winning right now so I'm not going to question this particular plot hole.

RICHARD: Kill him! Kill him quick!

[He draws the sword and promptly cuts himself on it.]

RICHARD: Owww!

RAHL: Did I mention I brought all of my hos?

[A hundred Mord Sith appear from nowhere.]

MORD SITH: Hi Richard! Remember us?

RICHARD: Meep. These women are scarier than the fangirls.

RAHL: Believe me; they're not.

[There is a collective sigh from the fangirls.]

RAHL: For God's sake, I killed a kitten to get these nutcases away from me! Yes, that's right. Jennsen's kitten is dead.

FANGIRLS: Nice try, but we've all read the book by now. We know you're a vegetarian.

RAHL: Damn it!

RICHARD: Umm … here to kill you. Remember?

RAHL: Oh. Yes. Magic time.

[He starts doing evil magicky stuff.]

RICHARD: Rawr, no!

MORD SITH: Rawr, yes!

[Kahlan jumps in and tries to confess Darken Rahl. At the same time, Richard tries to stab him with the sword and one of the Mord Sith hits Richard with her agiel. Richard and the random Mord Sith woman vanish like an old oak table, leaving the others looking very baffled.]

KAHLAN: What just happened?

RAHL: Don't know. Don't care. I think I just won.

[He opens the Boxes of Orden, becomes all-powerful, blows Zedd up into teeny tiny pieces, has Kahlan captured and, in a nutshell, wins. The End.]

AUDIENCE: Wait – what?

[Just kidding! Richard and that Mord Sith woman suddenly wake up in a wasteland.]

RICHARD: Where are we? Is this the place Kahlan was running through in the first episode that was never explored or even mentioned again?

MORD SITH: No, dumbass, we're in the future.

RICHARD: How do you know? And who are you?

MORD SITH: I'm special, that's how. And my name's Cara. I'm going to be a main character in Series Two, so you should start getting on with me pronto.

RICHARD: Agiel sex?

CARA: Unlikely.

RICHARD: Damn. So what the Hell is going on?

CARA: The audience haven't worked that out yet. It requires flashbacks.

[Flashback to the People's Palace.]

RAHL: Hello there Kahlan!

KAHLAN: I'mma kill you.

RAHL: Actually, you're going to marry me.

KAHLAN: Why? We're enemies.

RAHL: Because I want the fangirls off my back, and I can just threaten and blackmail you into it.

KAHLAN: [Rolls up sleeves.] Confessing time!

RAHL: It won't work. The collar around your neck is a plot device that prevents you from using your magic. Also, it's quite kinky.

[They get married.]

FANGIRLS: Fanservice!

[Nope, the wedding night was cut. We'll just go straight to Kahlan having his babies.]

AUDIENCE: This is getting much too fanfictiony.

RAHL: Yay! A boy!

KAHLAN: [Gasp!] But he'll have my confessor powers and male confessors are always evil! Even more evil than you, Darken Rahl! Even more evil than the people who wrote the script for this travesty of a TV show!

RAHL: Will he kill kittens?

KAHLAN: With one look.

RAHL: Why?

KAHLAN: Because, despite the many psychotic dominatrix femme fatale cults in this series, women are just better than men. For once, sexism is working out for the feminists.

RAHL: It's not working that well. We're keeping it.

KAHLAN: I have a feeling I won't be surviving to this kid's adulthood.

[She doesn't even survive to his puberty. The boy kills her.]

RAHL: Wow. You're almost as evil as me.

[The boy kills him.]

RAHL: What … the … a grown man destined to kill me failed, but a ten-year-old child can kill me easily? WHAT IS THIS?

[Stop talking, Rahl. You're dead. Darken Rahl's son takes over the world and turns it into the wasteland that Richard and Cara are now standing in.]

RICHARD: Well that didn't help our situation at all.

CARA: Nope. I'm off.

RICHARD: Don't you want to magically return to the present?

CARA: Not really. I'm going to find the other Mord Sith.

RANDOM BY-PASSER: The other Mord Sith are all dead.

CARA: This is somehow Darken Rahl's fault. Let's magically return to the present so I can kill him.

[They magically return to the present.]

RICHARD: That was easy. And hey look: Zedd, Kahlan, the Mord Sith and Darken Rahl are all still alive!

CARA: I can kill him, but I need a distraction. Any ideas?

RICHARD: You know what? Yes. Yes, I have an idea. I've just had an epiphany. The greatest, most profound realisation of my life. I think I know, now, what it means to be the True Streaker.

[He runs out in front of Darken Rahl buck naked.]

RICHARD: OI, RAHL! LOOK WHAT ZEDD DIDN'T SCORCH OFF ME AS A CHILD!

RAHL: I'M DISTRACTED!

CARA: [Agiel stab.]

KAHLAN: [Confess.]

RICHARD: [Sword stab.]

ZEDD: [Magic.]

RAHL: [Gasp, choke, die, explode.]

RICHARD: That was pretty easy too.

KAHLAN: Put some clothes on.

RICHARD: Not a chance.

CHASE: Hey look, I'm here and I have a child with me!

RACHEL: Hi.

RICHARD: Is that important?

CHASE: I don't remember.

[Regardless of Rachel's importance, they all go home for tea and cakes, while the book fans try to beat the series out of their heads with the novels they loved so much, and the fangirls weep over their lost villain, consoling themselves that they'll probably see Craig Parker again in Series Two.]

THE END

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