Title: A Big Brother's Weight

Author: MidnightRosePrincess

Summary: One night, Raphael overhears a lecture between Leonardo & Splinter. Confusion about what he hears from his older brother presses him to try to understand the brother he so often forgets is behind the role of leader.

Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT and I never will. They belong to Laird and Eastman, as well as other copyright holders.

Midnight's Note: Sorry for the wait. College final exams happened and I got very ill with an infection. I'm still recovering from the latter, but doing better every day. This one's a long chapter, be warned. Also, all of the things about Central America in here come from a combination of my research and a wildlife expert's published journal I found and read at my college library. Also! I have a question for some of the readers who may not have English as their primary language: Is it easy enough for you to read Raph's somewhat Brooklyn-accented dialogue, or would it be easier for me to be a bit more sparse with it? It's a hard thing to balance, but if so far it hasn't been too much trouble, please let me know, all right?

Chapter 4: The First Step

Raphael could tell that he couldn't just ask his brother to explain all the things he had just rambled off. Not because Leonardo wouldn't explain it, but because just explaining them with no context would probably make him more confused. Knowing how someone feels without knowing why was never very helpful for anyone. So, he thought he might as well start on an easy note again.

"Bro, tell me about Central America," Raphael said. "Ya haven't said a thing about it since ya got back."

"Well, I didn't want it to seem like I was bragging or..." Leonardo trailed off, giving a weak shrug.

"Are you serious?" Raphael asked, dumbfounded. "Jeez, Leo. That's why ya haven't said anything?" Raphael's palm met his forehead before he could stop it.

"What was I supposed to do?" Leo asked calmly. "You all tend to see me as a show-off when I train. How was I supposed to tell you guys anything without you taking it the wrong way?"

Bringing his hand back down, Raphael sighed. "Alright, I guess you have a point there, Bro, but still. Come on: two years gone. We have no idea what you were doing that last year, and your letters from the first year could never be too long because you had to ration paper. Pretty sparse on the details, if ya haven't noticed."

Leonardo nodded, agreeing with the last statement silently. Rationing paper, as he had written, had been a pain in the neck.

Raphael leaned forward a bit. "Tell me about it. It had to be a lot roomier than the sewers, at least."

Leo gave a small laugh. "Yes, the jungles themselves were. Not the way getting there, that's for sure. The flight security was a little too good, even for a ninja. I knew I wouldn't be able to stowaway anywhere without Don using one of his inventions to mess with the security feed. So, I decided to stowaway on one of the trade ships headed for Belize." Seeing Raph's focused but confused expression made him add, "A country under Mexico to the right of Guatemala."

"So didja stay in Belize for a while?"

"Not long. The ship landed in Belize City, and I stuck to the coast a bit before heading inland for a few weeks. It wasn't hard to get a few starting bearings there, since English is spoken a lot there and there's really only two main roads. Even though it's on the mainland, it's actually a lot more like the Caribbean islands, with sand and surf."

"Heh. Sounds like Mikey's kind of place."

Leonardo grinned. "Don would've liked it, too. At least, he would have enjoyed the Mayan ruins I checked out for a few nights. I passed by them on my way through the jungle into Guatemala. All of the hieroglyphic and design work was incredible. You always hear on TV that the Mayans were obsessed with stars and made everything line up according to star positions. It's true, but just hearing it on the TV doesn't do them justice. The view and alignment of the stars from the top of some of those temples is amazing."

Raphael grinned back. "Never took ya for a star-gazer, Leo."

Leonardo gave him a small punch in the arm, but still kept his grin. "It's not like I could see any stars in a city with this much light pollution. Chances are if you see a shooting star here, it's probably going to be a helicopter going by."

"Well, it's the city, what did ya expect?" Raphael shrugged. "Come on, after that ya went to Guatemala, right? I remember ya mentionin' somethin' about it in one of your letters."

Leonardo nodded. "Every different region of Guatemala seems to love different foods. Some of the things were familiar but were somehow something all their own. I watched from afar to see how they made some of the things, and learned what fruits were healthier, that way I could find my own in the jungles. Then I travelled down to Honduras."

"That was the one with all the firecrackers in one of your letters, ain't it?"

Leonardo smirked. "They do love their fireworks and firecrackers, which I admit are pretty wicked. The street vendors were happily selling them to everyone and the kids were ecstatic to have 'sparklers' as we know them, while their parents had fun watching them."

Raphael chuckled. "That letter made Mikey wanna go out and buy some firecrackers. Don had to lecture him for about an hour over why setting off firecrackers or fireworks in a sewer was a bad idea."

"Really? And how did that go?" Leo asked, amused.

"Mike suggested we set them off at the farmhouse and the only way we could shut him up was to promise one Fourth of July, we might try it."

Leonardo nodded. "That wouldn't be such a bad idea. It's doable, at least." He recollected for a moment before continuing. "After Honduras I went to El Salvador. The elevation is higher the way I came in because of all the volcanoes. I had a nice view of the Pacific Ocean for a few weeks, and the only time I really sneaked into cities was to grab a Spanish & English language book."

"Why'd ya grab a thing like that?"

"Well, they teach English at the schools, but not very many people are fluent in it. I knew the deeper into Central America I got, and the further away from the big cities I travelled, the less I'd hear English. What little Spanish I did know needed some structure, so I read that book like crazy. It did have a part at the end where it mentioned that there were different styles of Spanish used all over the world depending on the place. It was right; each country was really distinct in how different it was."

"Can you speak all of them?" Raphael asked curiously. Leonardo was already the best of the brothers at Japanese, and could understand more of Donatello's technobabble than anyone else except April. Now that Raphael focused on it, he noticed Leonardo did speak a tad differently than he had before he left. He didn't have an accent, but he tended to speak quieter and drop a few consonants. Just how many languages does he have in that head of his? he thought.

Leonardo shook his head. "Not all of them, at least, not fluently. I can get what I need to get communicated across pretty well, but there's only one I can say I'm really good at. But, that's skipping ahead."

Raphael made a motion for Leonardo to go on.

"I went into Nicaragua next. Their language threw me for a loop, to be honest. It took some getting used to while I was there. They use different pronouns, drop the S at the end of some words, and are very proud to call all of that Nicañol, or Nicaraguan Spanish. I stayed awhile by the Lake of Nicaragua, then headed to Costa Rica."

Raphael noticed the fondness for which he said that country's name, but kept quiet so Leonardo wouldn't stop.

"I will say that even though I passed through and went to check out Panama, there was just something about Costa Rica that made me head back. I stayed there for the most part until I came back home."

"So that's the Spanish you picked up on?"

Leonardo nodded, with a smile. "Yeah. The Ticos, that is, the people of Costa Rica, are known for their laid back style of speaking. Even their timescales are pretty relaxed; buses can be late by 30 minutes and no one's in a rush. It's the exact opposite of here in New York, where everyone's bustling all at the same time."

"Hey, that adrenaline's not too bad, y'know," Raphael joked, sticking up for his city. "Yeah, all them people are rushing about and in a hurry, but, it's just... it's like the pulse of the city, Bro. All that energy. There's never a time when something cool ain't happenin' somewhere."

Leonardo burst out laughing.

"What?" Raphael asked, a bit indignantly. "I'm serious!" He couldn't help it if he was the more New-Yorker-blooded of their clan.

Leonardo shook his head as he stopped laughing. "No, it's just... if I'm a jungle boy, then you're one, too. Only difference is that you have the urban jungle as your turf."

Raphael couldn't help but laugh at that one. "Whatever, Leo. Now come on, if ya stayed there for most of the time then give me details, Bro."

Strangely, though they'd started talking sitting next to each other with only their heads turned to each other, they were now half-sitting on Leonardo's bed facing each other. Some part of Raphael's mind heard Donatello's psychobabble mentioning something about openness and honesty in body language but drowned it out so he wouldn't miss anything Leonardo said.

"The Ticos' way of speaking Spanish is informal, very friendly. It made it easier to pick up. By that time I already knew the names for things and how to handle pronouns in sentences. From there I just watched and listened, then practiced how to pronounce everything later. The kids made it easier, since their sentences are simple and they're still learning as well. The Ticos give nicknames to everything, even inanimate objects, so occasionally I'd have to adjust to that."

"How'd they give nicknames to something?"

"They'd just add a suffix onto something to make it cute. They'd add ita for feminine usage and then ito for masculine usage. They'd also drop consonants, like t's, for example. They'd just slip right over it. It took me a while, but I got good at it. I wouldn't say I'm completely fluent, since I didn't grow up with it, but I can speak it with more confidence and less mistakes than any others of the Spanish I heard in the other countries." Leonardo gave a chuckle. "The Spanish I hear sometimes when we're out on patrol gets me a little nostalgic, but it's just so harsh and strict compared to the Ticos' version that it doesn't last long."

"Well, not that this language lesson ain't very interesting, but what else was there? What was it like? You're not givin' a real picture to go with yer words."

"Where do I start with that jungle? I got there near the end of the dry season, but even though the rainy season hadn't started yet, it was nearly impossible to not get wet. Water collects up in the canopy of the trees and is always dripping down, so it might as well be raining. It's also hot, as anyone could guess, because it's so close to the equator. Even if you're doing nothing but standing in the shade, you're going to be sweating. Then the rainy season started up so it didn't even matter anymore."

"Didja have anything to cover up with? Or are raincoats that scarce?" Raphael smirked.

"Not all of us can find trenchcoats, you know," Leonardo said, elbowing Raphael. "I did manage to find a shorn, coarsely-threaded poncho with a hood I could use. Wasn't always very effective against the rain, but it helped me to blend in. At least, when I went out. I had to find a good place to live in while I was there."

"What? You didn't take any random Mayan temples to bunk into?" Raphael asked, genuinely surprised. He'd seen enough from TV when their youngest brother was flipping channels to know that some of the temples were deep in the forest and well hidden, so that had been his general idea of where his older brother was staying. Moreso before in their conversation, when he'd learned his older brother enjoyed the view.

"Too much of a risk for a long-time stay," Leonardo answered, shaking his head. "There was no way to know if tourists, researchers, or locals would show up. At first I lived in some underground caverns that I could get into from the thick tree roots that led both in and out. The caverns didn't give much shelter from the rain though, and I never knew what else could fall in. Eventually I went further into the jungle and found a small but beautiful waterfall. I stopped by to get a drink, but noticed a dark shape behind the falling water. I used the rocks to climb up and check behind it, and found a cave. I decided it'd do since it wasn't far from a small village, was still well-hidden, and of course gave me access to water. Not to mention it kept me off of the ground."

"What was on the ground?"

"Oh, come on, Raph, surely you can guess that, considering it'd be the part of the jungle that would freak you out the most," Leonardo replied with a smirk of his own.

It took a second before it clicked in Raphael's mind. "You mean... bugs?" he asked, not able to keep that touch of fear out of his voice.

"Yep. Bugs," Leonardo confirmed. "I won't dwell on them too much since I know you hate them, but let's just say I was not keen on getting bit by ants, stung by scorpions, or drained by mosquitoes. One of the reasons I left the caverns was because the comejíns - termites - don't just eat wood, but also paper. I couldn't let them eat the paper I was rationing to send letters to you guys." Leonardo gave a slight wince from something he recalled. "For all my efforts, it still didn't stop that one bot fly, though."

"A bot fly? What the heck is that?"

Leonardo looked a little sheepish. "You know how Donatello joked a long time ago that he couldn't understand why people went into the Amazon because there'd be no electricity and they'd just come back with malaria?"

"Yeah, why? Don't tell me you went and got malaria!"

"No, not malaria, but, well... The thing about bot flies is that when they bite you, they kinda... lay their eggs inside the bite."

Raphael was pretty sure his face showed how horrified he was. As if bugs weren't bad enough getting on you, now some had the bright idea to get in you. He shuddered. "Are you goin' somewhere with this?"

Leonardo held back a smile at his brother's distress. He was never one to tease Raphael about his dislike for bugs, but Raphael had asked for the details of Central America, and bugs were one of them. "It wasn't as bad as you'd think. Whenever you see a bump or an abrasion that hadn't gone away for a day, chances are it was a bot fly's larvae. The trick, as I found out, was duct tape."

"Duct tape?" Raphael repeated flatly.

"Put duct tape over it, and it suffocates the larvae. Then you just have to pull it out all in one piece. If you can't, it gets infected. Which is... what happened to me, once."

Raphael's expressions instantly changed from disgust to worry. "You had an infection?! In the middle of the jungle?!"

Leonardo nodded. "I hadn't had to deal with them for a while, so they kind of left my mind. Then, one day, I noticed the abrasion, put duct tape over it like usual, but when I was running back to the waterfall after I did rounds around the villages, I ran against a tree that had stiff bark peeling off of it. It grazed over the duct tape but the way it hit my arm made the stupid larvae, well.. break, I guess. I got it out as soon as I got back to the cave, but..." Leonardo trailed off and shrugged. "I felt a headache coming on and tried to sleep. Long story short, I had a fever and was fighting off an infection for about the next three or four days."

Raphael was sure that if he was one of Mikey's cartoon show characters, he'd have popped a gasket by now, as the saying goes. "Ya know, ya neglected to mention that in any of your letters. Or did this happen after you stopped writing?"

Leonardo's smiled disappeared as he shook his head. "Nope, this was still when I was writing to you guys, but since I was over it in just a few days and was even more careful afterwards, I didn't want to worry you guys."

Raphael wanted to point out that they worried when he stopped writing them and wanted to ask why he did, but he knew if he did ask then Leonardo would close up again. Reluctantly, he let it slide. "Maybe it's good ya didn't tell us. Ugh... that's gonna give me nightmares," he said, a shudder going down his back at the thought of bot flies and their larvae. "Can't ya tell me about any other animals, like jaguars or something, instead of bugs?"

"I actually didn't see many jaguars or the other cats," Leonardo answered. "They tend to stay higher up in the mountains or deeper in the forest. I was close to a few of the smaller villages, and they tend to avoid humans. Though, I did actually have a bit of a companion for a while, a little caucel I found hurt one morning."

"A cau-cel? What's that?"

"I think in English it's called a margay. It's mistaken for an ocelot, but it's smaller and much better in the trees. They're more like squirrels than cats with how easily they move in those branches. I found this particular one hurt after trying to escape a poacher's trap. Most of the poachers I encountered were taking the rarer wildlife to either eat or trade, some of them going back over the borders to Nicaragua, where food is sometimes very scarce for the locals."

"So you swooped in and saved it?"

Leonardo nodded. "It was caught in a snare. The snare had wrapped around its back feet and it was half-heartedly thrashing in-between the branches. I could tell it was tired though. It also looked a bit too thin. I guessed that it had been there for a day or so, trapped when it was out hunting. I was prepared for it to bite and scratch me when I went over to unravel the snare, but it was just too exhausted to even growl at me. It let me hold it while I released it from the snare and checked its back feet. The skin above its paws was hurt pretty badly, and was probably going to get infected. So I took it back to the cave, wrapped up its feet, and did whatever else I could for it."

"Did it get better? What did ya even feed it, anyway?"

"I'd been living on fish and things, along with some rice, beans, and eggs. I gave her tidbits of fish, but since she wasn't used to eating it, she didn't much like the taste. Eventually I found out she liked birds and lizards. She caught a small lizard that sneaked into the cave while I was out, and when I brought her a bird she seemed to love it. Eventually, she did get better."

"She?"

"It was a female caucel," Leonardo clarified.

"So didja give her a name?"

"Not at first. She was wild, after all. I was sure that when her feet were healed, she'd go back to leading that solitary life that most caucels do. I didn't want to get attached to her," Leonardo admitted, sighing a little. "I did come back one day to see her leave the cave and jump off to disappear into the trees. I thought that'd be the last I saw of her, but a few days later, she was back again." At this recollection, Leonardo started to smile. "She started following me when I was in the trees, and when it rained really hard, I'd wake up in the night to see her coming into the cave to tug at my poncho."

Raphael chuckled. "Seems like even if she was wild, she appreciated the help. So spill, what'd ya name her?"

"I named her Pazita," Leonardo answered. "Paz, for peace, and ita, of course, to stick with the Tico tradition of making her cuter."

"Peace?" Raphael asked, not seeing the reasoning behind the name.

Leonardo shrugged. "She was good company. She liked to play sometimes, but most of the time she was just content to sit there and watch me or follow me wherever I went. She did go off on her own a lot- I guess to hunt- but she always came back to just lay around the cave. She had a peaceful nature, so it seemed to fit."

Raphael nodded, feeling the name was a good fit to the little jungle cat that had kept his brother company. The story of Pazita made him curious about some of the other wildlife sharing the jungle with Leonardo. "What other stuff was there?" he asked.

"I saw a lot of the things you'd see on those nature shows Don watches sometimes. The trails of the zompopas cutting leaves and carrying them back to the anthills in the tree trunks was a constant sight. When I went to some of the rivers I'd see a few tapir and cocodrilos, who made my idea of taking a swim to cool off vanish pretty quickly. I'd hear the saino, wild pigs, from afar and come across logs they overturned to get at the grubs. Then, of course, I'd have to stop so Pazita could catch a few insects for herself."

Raphael started to like Pazita more and more each second. Anything that killed bugs was good in his book. "You said you went through the trees, Bro. Anything up there, other than Pazita?"

"I ran into the mono congo really quick. That is, the howler monkeys. Their bark is worse than their bite. They're vegetarians though, so once they saw me eating fruits too, they got used to the idea that I wasn't a threat and didn't mind me much. Neither did the olingo I ran into. As long as I didn't take the figs they had their eye on, they didn't feel the need to let loose on me like a skunk would have. The carablancas, on the other hand..." Leonardo trailed off to roll his eyes in a long-suffering look. "The groups I ran into had about 20 members each, all of them pretty aggressive. They weren't worth putting up with, so Pazita and I just went elsewhere to avoid trouble."

"What the heck are cara-whatevers?"

"Capuchin monkeys, like the one on those Night at the Museum movies. Whereas that one on the movie is just a prankster, the ones in the jungle always seem to be cranky." Leonardo was frowning now, apparently not very fond of even remembering them.

Raphael gave a laugh. "Big bad ninja, who can take on The Shredder, running from a group of monkeys. Priceless."

Leonardo shook his head, taking the tease in good humor.

"Sounds like you were having a good time anyway," Raphael said.

Leonardo looked down. "Not all the time. Even with Pazita, I missed you guys like crazy."

Raphael remembered Splinter's words from last night as he began his reply. "Splinter mentioned... that being away from us probably wasn't the brightest idea to go with, for either of ya."

Leonardo nodded. "He'd be right. I... I don't do well when I'm away from you guys."

Raphael tilted his head as he looked at Leonardo, trying to see the hidden meaning in those words. "Does this... have to do with why it took you so long to come back?"

"It's... a major part of it, yes," Leonardo admitted. "I... It's hard to put into words."

"Take your time, Bro. I'm not goin' anywhere." Raphael took a little bit of pride in how reassured Leonardo looked at that.

After a few minutes of thought, Leonardo seemed to find the words. "There's more to it than this, but... suffice to say that... my thoughts... take a darker spin when I'm alone... and I was out there alone in the jungle for so long... Though the extra year was all on me, I'll admit."

Raphael waited for Leonardo to continue. He knew what it was like having one's thoughts take a dark turn when alone more than he'd like to admit thanks to being the Nightwatcher. Knowing the dark skeletons in his own head's closet made him nervous as to what was in Leonardo's.

"I guess the easiest way to explain it is to start relatively at the beginning." He nodded to himself and then continued. "As you correctly found out earlier, yes, I am afraid of failing. That fear has persisted throughout my life, and the best way I found to deal with it, was to spend time with you, Mikey, Donnie, and April. Our other friends, too, but you four are the ones I'm closest to. Whenever I felt like I couldn't do anything right, I'd let Mikey drag me into a video game, Donnie grab me into one of his experiments when he needed an assistant, you rope me into going out on a joyride on your new motorcycle, or I'd take up April's offer to come by her place and read up on archeology with her. When I'm around all of you, and I see that you're relatively safe, happy, and healthy, it makes me feel like I'm doing a good job."

That makes sense, Raphael thought as he nodded. I do the exact same thing when I feel like I'm as rotten as they come. Leo probably knows that too.

"It's a good way, and it helps, but then... after the last battle with the Shredder... spending time with all of you just reminded me that you were all relatively safe but miserable and recovering from serious wounds. It was a close call. I'm supposed to protect you guys, and I'd failed. You'd all gotten too hurt. Being around you guys just reminded me, so I started pouring more of myself into training as soon as I could lift my swords again. I didn't, and still don't, ever want to have a call that close again."

Raphael could remember the time period of which Leonardo spoke. Leonardo had been there to help them rebandage everything whenever he was needed, helped Donnie keep track of all the medicines they were supposed to take, and would help Mikey get around when the crutches were hard to maneuver, but he'd become more distant. Instead of convalescing together with the rest of them a majority of the time, Leonardo would disappear off to train.

"To Splinter, I appeared restless... and a small part of me was, yes. It just wasn't the main issue I was dealing with. I felt like a failure. Looking back, I probably should have tried to talk to you guys about it, but... it was easier said than done, especially back then. That's why Splinter sent me on a training pilgrimage. He was hoping I could find balance. As we both know from last night, it didn't quite go according to plan."

"You said... your thoughts go darker when you're alone. In the jungle, we weren't around," Raphael said.

Leonardo nodded. "You weren't. How was I expected to become a better leader through training away from those who inspire me to lead and just by actions alone reassure me I'm doing well at my task? I still don't know the answer to that. So I focused on honing my skills, attaining new experiences, branching out to learn new things I could use later to protect all of you once I got back. However, as time ticked down for me to return home, I... I started to get self-conscious. Had I really made any progress? It didn't seem that way to me. I couldn't come back a failure. What if Splinter sent me away again? An irrational fear, maybe, but I didn't think I could handle seeing you guys again and then being told to leave again so abruptly. What if I wasn't good enough anymore? An ill-prepared leader can be more of a hindrance to those who follow him than an enemy, as we were taught. I didn't want to be that leader. Before I knew it... I'd stayed longer than my planned return date... and I realized I'd probably hurt you guys or made all of you angry, which just added to my reluctance to return. What if I came back a failure even after that extra time?"

"Leo..." Raphael whispered, with wide eyes.

"I got so lost in my own head... I became no more than the 'Ghost of the Jungle' the villagers took me for. Even after I came back when April found me, I still felt like a failure. That... hasn't quite gone away yet, either." Leonardo averted his eyes towards the bookshelf on the opposite wall of the room, not really reading the titles of the assorted books it held.

"Don't... Don't ever say or think that you're a failure, Leo!" Raphael couldn't help but yell. He didn't miss Leonardo's slight wince at his volume, but his older brother needn't be worried. The furthest thing from Raphael's mind was a fight, but he couldn't keep hearing his brother talk about himself like this.

There were a few moments in which Raphael calmed his breathing back to normal and tried to collect his thoughts. To think Leonardo had been holding all this in. Not anymore, Raphael thought.

"Leo, Bro... please don't ever think of yourself like that, a'ight?" he said quietly. "And I don't just mean when you're here with us again, that also goes for if we're ever separated again."

Leonardo's eyes drifted to the floor. "It's easier said than done... I've tried not to because I know it's a stupid thing to think but it just—"

Raphael reached out with both hands and placed them on Leonardo's shoulders. Slowly, Leonardo turned his face to look back at Raphael and met his gaze.

"Notice how I've got a hold of you right now?" Raphael asked. He didn't wait for an answer before continuing. "Ghosts are... intangible, right? Well, you're pretty tangible right now, so I guess ya ain't a ghost, Leo."

He felt Leo shudder, and caught a glimpse of Leonardo biting the inside of his lip.

"You're NOT a failure, Leo. Me, Mikey, and Donnie will say it as many times as ya need us to until it sticks in yer head enough to drown out them darker thoughts. It's what we're here for, Bro. Leo you... You haven't failed. That whole deal with the Shredder— it was the Shredder! Things were so chaotic it's no wonder we got hurt, but the fact is was that we made it. We made it and Shred-head didn't."

Leonardo gave a rueful chuckle. "Maybe not, if what Karai said holds any water."

"We'll burn that bridge when we get there, a'ight?" Raphael shrugged, making Leonardo laugh a little. "But back to what's important. Leo, you haven't failed at anything that matters, ya hear me? You're a great leader. I know I give ya too much trouble over it, but ya are. You're a great older brother. You keep us focused when we need it and ya always have our backs. You're a great son. In case ya didn't notice, Splinter doesn't think you're a failure either. You're a great friend. April, Casey, and the others will tell ya so."

Leonardo nodded a bit, looking a bit more reassured.

"And if you're still worryin' 'bout your skills, jeez Leo. Did ya forget you fought off that stone general Gato or whatever his name was like a pro when ya were still dealing with the aftereffects of those tranquilizers? I say again: still dealing with aftereffects of knock-out drugs! Seems to me like ya got nothing to worry about in the skills department, Bro."

Leonardo would later refuse to admit he looked bashful at that point.

"Leo, if yer thoughts ever start headin' that way again, come talk to me, a'ight? I know a thing or two about dealing with dark thoughts maself. Nightwatcher, remember? Lookin' back, it's... how did that one comic book of Mikey's put it? Oh yeah, 'he who fights monsters will become monstrous themselves,' or something like that."

"You're not a monster, Raphael," Leonardo said firmly.

"And you're not a failure," Raphael replied with just as much conviction. "And when we forget that, we'll remind each other." Raphael took his hands off of Leonardo's shoulders and held out a hand. "Deal?"

Leonardo outright laughed but nodded, shaking Raphael's hand with his own. "Deal."

The moment was then promptly tempered by two stomachs growling. Both turtles released each other's hands to place them over their respective stomachs. The blue-clad turtle looked torn between embarrassed and amused, while his red-clad brother looked torn between embarrassed and frustrated.

Looking at the clock atop his bookshelf, Leonardo noticed the time. "It's 4:30."

"PM?" Raphael asked, surprised.

"Yes. Do you think time flew by faster or shorter than you thought?"

"Little bit of both."

"Same here."

"Neither of us... really ate that big a breakfast, I think, and we sorta skipped out on lunch. Wanna warm up some of that leftover Checco's pizza from yesterday?" Raphael queried.

"Pizza... sounds really good right now," Leonardo answered with a grateful smile.

Raphael grinned back. "Pizza it is, then. 'Least we won't have to worry about Mikey hogging the best leftover slices tonight."

Leonardo laughed as they exited his room and headed towards the kitchen. As they entered the den, they passed Splinter, who was sitting on the couch with the remote control in one hand and a cup of tea in the other.

"Good evening, my sons," he greeted.

"Good evening, Sensei," Leonardo replied at the same time Raphael greeted Splinter back with a "'Sup?"

"Are you watching your soap operas again, Master Splinter?" Leonardo asked.

Splinter gave a small laugh. "Yes, indeed, my son. Cody is going to regret not breaking up with Dona now that Abigail is back in town, I just know it. These stories are finally getting interesting."

Leonardo held back a grin while Raphael chuckled.

"Miss O'Neil also gave us a call, my sons. It seems your brothers are spending the night with her and Casey, and thus evening practice is canceled until tomorrow after they return. Angel has been delivered safely home to her grandmother, Michelangelo is already asleep, and Donatello is upgrading Miss O'Neil's computer protection against viruses. Casey—"

"—is watching the hockey tournament tonight, right?" Raphael asked.

"I was unaware that was what he was watching, but yes, now that Angel and Michelangelo have finished their game tournament, the power over the television has been returned to Casey," Splinter answered.

"Sounds about right. Raph and I are going to heat up some leftover pizza for dinner, Master. Would you care for some?" Leonardo offered.

"No thank you, my son, I have already partaken in my own dinner. Help yourselves."

Leonardo and Raphael bowed their heads and went into the kitchen.

"Tonight was Mikey's turn to do the dishes," Leonardo commented as he looked at the sink full of dirty dishes.

"He can do it when he gets back tomorrow. After all, he shouldha thought about that before he raced off to have a video game tournament with Angel. Besides, we can just use paper plates."

"True enough. Let me check to make sure Donnie didn't leave an experiment in the microwave by accident again."

After having warmed up the pizza in an experiment-free microwave, Raphael and Leonardo enjoyed their dinner of leftovers. Leonardo shared more about his adventures with Pazita in between bites to an intrigued Raphael who seemed ever-curious about the intricate inner workings of the poachers Leonardo had to out-manouver.

When a quiet lull in the conversation led to a companionable silence, it was only broken with two short comments.

"Thanks, Raph."

"'Welcome, Leo."

From his spot on the couch, Splinter redirected his ever acute ninja hearing back to the tv with a pleased expression. It was a decisive first step, and at the moment he could not be prouder of both of his sons.

Midnight: This chapter was so long, just like the wait that led to it, so hey, maybe it evens out. I originally had the conversation over Leo's insecurities over failure go a bit differently, but... when the characters start speaking through you, a writer had to trust in where it goes, then reevaluate it compared to what they had in mind, and adjust the stuff that didn't get said to be said later and perhaps by someone else. It's a weird process. Anyways, hope you liked the chapter. :) There's more to come as soon as I can finish writing the next chapter.