Disclaimer: The Harry Potter franchise is the creation of J.K. Rowling, and this fan fiction is strictly non-profit in nature.

Authors Note: This is an Alternate Universe where Harry was raised in the magical world by 'some random' Magnificent Bastard. It's meant to be pure crack, so keep this in mind.

Not As Advertised

By Sasahara17

Dear Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore,

RE: STUDENT REQUEST TO CHANGE HOUSES

I am writing to you with regards to the above mentioned subject matter. I know it has only been two weeks since I was first admitted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, however, I cannot stand to remain in Slytherin for the reasons I will describe below. I am fully aware that there have been very few, if any, precedents to my situation, however I must express my opinion on this matter.

Prior to attending Hogwarts, I was informed by various sources, particularly the textbook 'Hogwarts, A History', by Professor Garino, that Slytherin was the house most suited for me. I was under the impression that Slytherin was a house whose key traits exemplified cunning, ambition and, most importantly, a certain disregard for the rules. I was also informed, rightfully, that they had won the inter-house competition for many years in a row, which further supported this theory.

With these assumptions in mind, when I was offered the chance by the Sorting Hat on which house I was to go into, I chose Slytherin. I believed strongly that being in this house would allow me to excel in my studies and, more importantly, grow as a person for the following years.

However, after two weeks in this house, I can safely say that its touted reputation is completely undeserved. In my time here, I have seen none of the aforementioned attributes displayed among the members of Slytherin, save myself.

1. Ambition

I would not go as far to say as there is no ambition in Slytherin at all, however, I must say it is certainly lacking.

Firstly, many of the students here come from families that were previously associated with the late, Dark Lord Voldermort. I find it difficult to accept anyone, let alone my housemates, would still believe in his innate superiority over all of mankind.

I am utterly disgusted to find that anyone in this House, reputed for its boundless ambition, is willing to bow before a man who is not only dead, but was supposedly killed by an infant child when he mucked up his own spell. I would sooner join a heard of lemmings than follow a man who has committed such a blunder!

Secondly, the students who do not subscribe to the above mentality, mainly consisting of non-pureblood students, tend to keep very low profiles. I can understand the rationale behind this mentality; Slytherin places a large stigma on blood purity, and those not of 'Pure-blood' are regarded as inferior to their peers.

In such an environment, it is very tempting to cower below their 'Pure-blood' classmates and hope to make it through Hogwarts, whereupon, they can finally start working towards greatness. I, however, would much rather tear down any institution or bias that opposes me to make my ambitions come true, and so find my peers to be a profound disappointment.

This lack of ambition has roughly translated to a lack of challenge among the Slyterin student body, and has consequently forced me to find suitable rivals in other Houses, in particular, Hermione Granger from Ravenclaw, who I have since been duelling with for the title of being the smartest first year ever to attend Hogwarts.

2. Cunning

Much like ambition, there is little to no cunning in Slytherin. True, some of them may be intelligent, but intelligence does not automatically translate to cunning. Many of the students here are dumber than rocks, relying more on brute force and distasteful tactics in favour of finesse. True they aren't as rash as the members of Gryffindor, but at least the lions do not pretend to be smart. I have listed three examples that have coloured my opinion of Slytherin below.

The Quidditch Team

As I was raised in the magical world, it is natural that, as with any young wizard, I am an avid fan of Quidditch. In that light, one of the first things I checked up on when I joined Slytherin was the state of our House's Quidditch team. I was very much disappointed.

As you may be aware, Slytherin's team is well known for roughhousing and brutality when on the pitch. I have found this is because they have no concept of strategy and tactics to speak of, and rely on blatant rule-breaking and brute force to carry the day. In particular, the current team captain, Marcus Flint, actually promotes this abhorrent behaviour among his teammates rather than trying to circumvent it. They use brooms that are superior in performance to those used by their rivals, and I have yet to see any of the skills described in 'Quidditch Through The Ages' employed during the practice sessions I have attended.

I may be wrong, they may be holding back in their practice sessions in case of enemy spies, but I simply cannot support a team who blunders their way through every match because of their size and superior brooms!

Interhouse Interactions

I have keenly observed the interactions of my housemates and those of other houses, and I must frankly say this; we are idiots! We needlessly antagonize other houses, openly I might add; inviting reprisals while alienating ourselves from potential allies. If I were to hit someone, I certainly would not stick around long enough to leave myself vulnerable to a counterattack!

Case in point, this Tuesday one Draco Malfoy was involved in an altercation with Ronald Bilius Weasley. Mr. Malfroy confronted Mr. Weasley and made some disparaging comments about Mr. Weasley's family, whereupon Mr. Malfoy was severely beaten in a fistfight. This happened in midday in a crowded corridor, meaning there were many witnesses, both staff and student, to Mr. Malfoy's disgusting behaviour.

While, admittedly, the desired result had been achieved in that Mr. Weasley has gotten a detention for his actions, courtesy of Professor Snape, I assert Mr. Malfoy did not think his actions through, for he now lies in the hospital wing. Furthermore, this altercation was soon followed by a series of pranks instigated by Mr. Weasley's older siblings in revenge for their brother's detention. My sources indicate that Mr. Malfoy's supposed insult against Mr. Weasley has also resulted in many among the student lowering their opinions of Slytherin as a whole.

Clearly, Mr. Malfoy did not consider his plan well. If Mr. Malfoy had wanted to get Mr. Weasley into detention, while simultaneously insulting his family's state of poverty ,without getting himself injured and having the dormitories painted pink, I can think of a dozen different ways to do it off the top of my head alone.

General Behaviour

My final argument may not be as strong as my previous ones, but I must say this much. I am the only student in my year group, indeed in all of Slytherin, who has bothered setting up an information network. Admittedly, I am special in the sense it only took me a week and a half to get it up and running, but this is no excuse for my senior housemates. Perhaps the first years are excused from doing so due to their relative youth, but the older years, particularly the seventh years, have no concept of secrecy or security whatsoever.

Prior to my arrival, and my subsequent improvements to the security of our dorm, I am certain one polyjuice potion is all it would take to have a gaggle of Gryffindors sitting right in our common room without anyone noticing! And everyone wonders why we get pranked so much.

Contrast this with soon-to-be-student Luna Lovegood, who is due to attend Hogwarts next year. Shortly after my arrival at Hogwarts, I caught a strange creature hiding under my bed. I later learned from a Quibbler article published the following day written by her that it was a Crumpled-Horned Snorkack, believed previously to be native to Sweden had been 'recently' established to be native to, and I quote, 'Harry Potter's bed'. I am still searching for a spying device of some sort, although I suspect she may have used scrying magic. In any case, it is a sheer embarrassment to Slytherin that we can be outdone by a girl who has yet to even start school!

3. Disregard for the Rules

This should be self explanatory. In case it isn't, I regret to inform you that Slytherin is the most rigid, inflexible, bureaucratic morons I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I suppose this is why so many of them go on to work in the Ministry of Magic. To Slytherins, everything is 'rules' and 'traditions', and this view is promoted by every level of Slytherin culture.

I had joined with the assumption that the house would be flexible and adaptable, changing as the circumstances demanded, but I was badly mistaken. Most Slytherin students often fall back on authority figures, be it their parents, the Professors, or even the academic board, when faced with a crisis, instead of trying to resolve the situation themselves.

I feel that many of their 'traditions' are centuries old and should be discarded in favour of more practical methods. I could probably write an entire easy on this matter, if I was so inclined. However, since this is just an initial request I will refrain from doing so.

While there is some merit in ascending to high enough levels to be able to change the rules to suit your liking, I find it is far more satisfying to work around such limitations. One makes me look like a pompous arse, while the other makes me look like a magnificent bastard. I prefer the latter.

Conclusion

As you can see, I am very dissatisfied with my current House, as it is nothing as it advertised itself to be. I had tried to go to my Head of House first on this matter, but he won't listen to a word of what I have to say (Professor Snape keeps referring to me as a celebrity, for some reason. I think his pride as having me as his student has warped his mind. Worse yet, he keeps giving me detentions to keep me around him. I think he's a fan). As such, I have been forced to go straight to you, the Headmaster.

Given precedent, I will fully understand if you turn down my request to transfer Houses. However I must inform you if that is the case, I will be forced to implement measures that will change Slytherin more to my liking, for I cannot stand to be associated with a gaggle of brainless idiots who have rested on their laurels for far too long. 'Whip them into shape' if you will.

I am also writing to inform you that, regardless of your decision, that I am about to repay the Gryffindor for Mr. Fred and George Weasley's pranks this week, for I have yet to wash the pink out of my robes. Please alert the groundskeepers that roughly two hundred and twenty two strategically placed dung bombs are about to go off in the Gryffindor tower at exactly five thirty this Sunday morning. This is a matter of personal honour, mind you, so if you feel the necessity, you may evacuate the students.

Thank you for your time and patience, and I eagerly await your reply.

Yours Sincerely,

Harry James Potter

At Five twenty nine that Sunday morning, Snape finally decided he knew what to think of James Potter's only son.

"The boy is clearly insane." Snape gaped as he finished reading the document. While the potions master had initially been overjoyed that Potter wanted to leave Slytherin, after reading the letter he had fully come to appreciate the monster that now resided in the Slytherin dungeons.

"There is a thin line between genius and insanity, Severus," Dumbledore replied, the sparkle in his eyes brighter than ever as he stroked the Crumple-Horned Snorkack Harry had given him as a gift. "I was sceptical of Mr. Potter' requests at first, but rest assured he is rather serious about this."

"We are going to approve his transfer, right? I'm sure McGonnagal will be happy to have him." Snape was almost afraid of what would happen if the boy stayed. 'Whip them into shape'? Oh, sweet Merlin, what was Snape dealing with here? The boy wasn't just as bad as his father, no Harry was a thousand times worse!

"Actually, no. I plan to have him stay in Slytherin."

Snape's jaw dropped. "And why not? If he stays in my house, they'll destroy each other!"

"To be honest Severus, Mr. Potter intrigues me." Dumbledore explained truthfully. "I've consulted with the former headmasters, and they, too, have agreed that Slytherin has become too set in its ways. Perhaps it is time for something else, something new, to shake things up and introduce change. After all, we all need change to grow."

"But, Si-" Snape was interrupted by the feeling of the entire castle reverberating as a multitude of explosions rocked the school. A sick feeling settling neatly into his stomach, Snape's head snapped around to look at Dumbledore's wall clock. Five thirty, on the dot.

No.

NO.

"Ah, those would be the dung bombs Mr. Potter mentioned."

"You didn't alert the staff?" Snape was aghast.

"No, I didn't," Dumbledore replied nonchalantly, and merely continued to suck on his lemon drop. "The Weasley Twins have gone unchallenged and unpunished for so long, I thought it would be a sobering lesson if they were on the receiving end for a change."

Snape's face went ashen, for he realized the full implications of the event that had just occurred. "Professor, this will start a prank war! A prank war of catastrophic proportions!"

"Hm, you may be right." Dumbledore shrugged. "Well, boredom will be the least of our problems. Don't you agree, Severus?"

"Oh, sweet Merlin." Snape collapsed into the seat and held his face in his hands. In the far distance, he could hear shrieks echoing through the halls of the school as panicked Gryffindors were awoken to the nightmarish experience of having their entire tower become a dungbomb fireworks extravaganza.

He once thought the Potter brat would be an arrogant, headstrong arse like his father. Now, Snape could only wish that the monster in his house was that way.

Snape groaned.

This was going to be a long seven years.

THE END