RESIDENT EVIL 1 PARODY!

Author: I've seen so many parodies for RE:4 and 5... Nobody ever focuses on the first Resident Evil that started it all!
So that's what I'm here to do, only I was forced to edit the story a bit so that I could fit both Jill and Chris into the story...ALSO it starts off with alot of silly humor but it mellows out to a more serious story with spots of humor in random places... WARNING: Characters have been been exposed and contaminated to stupidity while processing over the internet! But enjoy the story anyway!

Intro: July 24th 1998...

We have received reports of gruesome murders occurring in the Arclay mountains region... Victims were apparently..Eaten.
Soon after Bravo team was dispatched to investigate. We lost contact... Now Alpha team has been dispatched to search for them...

Pre Chapter:

The helicopter flew over the mass forest of the Arclay region... "Look! Over there!" exclaimed Jill. Chris looked out and saw a smashed up helicopter. "Well we found em, can we go home now?" asked Chris as his stomach growled. Jill smacked him. "Land over there!" commanded Wesker. "Maybe they have food!" Said Chris jumping out once they had touched down.
"Chris you're an idiot!" Said Joseph climbing out. "Oh yea! Well you're moms an idiot cause she picked out that girly head band for you!" shouted Chris. "Hey! You leave my mother out of this!" Shouted Joseph defensively. Jill sighed. "Can you two like NOT argue for one mission?"

Chris stared down Joseph. He glanced over to the wreckage then in an instant they both took off racing to get there first.

Author: "Bravo teams helicopter was totaled!...Except for the gruesome remains of the pilot Kevin."

Chris stopped drawing a cat face on Kevin and looked up. "Did anyone else hear that wierd voice?" Chris looked around and his team were already heading off into the woods. "AAH!" he cried out and ran off to catch up.
"Chris! Hurry up!" Shouted Wesker mummbling somthing about murder.

Alpha team moved slowly and cautiously through the thick trees. Jason, a last minute addition to the team, turned when he heard a rustling in the bushes. The rustling stopped and he stood up relieved, then he heard somthing behind him and turned and was tackled by a viscious dog! "AAAH!" He screamed and fired his rifle. More dogs attacked him and then they started tearing away at him. Jill began firing at the dogs as he screamed. "HELP ME! Please! I see the light! It's so bright! Please!
I have a gf! She's not pretty but..." Jill shot Jason in the head very annoyed. "Oops.." she said. One of the dogs turned to jill with a mouth full of flesh. She noticed it had pieces of rotting flesh and there were muscle and bone showing in some places. What could have made them this way? The dog rushed at her and jumped. Chris shot the dog. "Bullseye!" he yelled then grabbed jill and started running and shooting. The alpha teams helicopter flew overhead. "Brad!" Shouted Chris. "Where the hell is he going!" he shouted. Chris turned just as a dog jumped at him. "Oooo myyyyy GOD!" Yelled Chris in slow motion. The dog was blasted away and hit a tree. "Chris! This way!" Shouted Wesker. They started running again. "Head for that mansion!" commanded Wesker.

CHapter 1: DIE MONSTER!

Only four members of alpha team remain now...Captain Wesker...Jill Valentine...Barry Burton and Joseph...Nobody knows Josephs last name...They just assume he's an alien...Nobody knows where Chris is...

Jill, Barry, Wesker and Joseph slammed the door to the mansion and slumped down in what apeared to be the entrance hall to catch their breaths. "Hey...Where's Chris?" Asked Jill heading back for the door. "Jill!...You don't want to go back out there.." Said Wesker.

"Look at this place!... It's like royalty!" Anounced Barry. The sound of glass breaking came from where Joseph was standing and there was a vase shattered around his feet. Joseph looked up "I didn't do it...But did you see it! It was all like,
KABLAM! And pieces flew everywhere!" Joseph said excitedly. Wesker rubbed his temples. "How did I get put incharge of a team of complete idiots..." he mummbled.

A gunshot was heard from the room to the left of the hall. "What was that?" Asked Barry. "It might be Chris!" Jill exclaimed.
Wesker thought for a moment. "Go check it out Jill..." he commanded. Barry stepped forward "I'm coming to! Me and Chris go back a long ways!" announced Barry.

AUTHOR: "How sexist... Barry jumping forward to help the pretty girl but when it's Chris he's all like you're on you're own dude!"

Wesker nodded. "Okay, Joseph will also go with you...I'll stay here and secure the area!" he declared. Jill, Joseph and Barry entered what looked like a huge dining room with a big long table. There was also a typewriter. They walked down the long room. They found blood on the floor. "Oh my god! Look at this!" Shouted Barry. "What is it!" Asked Jill panicky.
"The floor!...It's so shiny!...They must use Mr. Clean...Or maybe Dr. Shine..." Barry commented while rubbing the floor.
"Forget about the floor!" Shrieked Jill, Barry sighed. "Fine miss impatient...Go check that room over there..I'll examine this blood...Lets just hope it's not Chris's." He said. Joseph was eating the left overs on the table.

Jill entered the door and walked down the hall to the left. She entered a study and saw a bald man hunched over eating somthing. A sickening ripping and slurping sound was heard. The man turned around and there was blood dripping from his chin. And his eyes were pale... He stood up and moaned and started staggering towards Jill. She saw Kenneth dead on the floor with his throat torn out. Jill screamed and ran backto the dining room.

"Barry!" Barry looked up. "What is it?" he shouted. "Look out it's a monster!" she said. "A monster?" Asked Barry.
"Yes a monster!" She shouted. "You hear that Joseph? It's a monster!" He yelled. "A monster?" Asked Joseph.
"YES! A MONSTER!" Shrieked Jill. The carnivore monster man stood there pouting. "Hey...I have feelings you know.."
whined the carnivore monster man. Barry stood up and pulled out his magnum. "Stand back Jill! I'll handle this! DIE MONSTER!"
He yelled and shot the carnivore man in the chest. "OW! Hey man! Uncool! Uncool man!" Whined the carnivore man. Barry shot it again. "DIE MONSTER!" He shouted. "That hurts man stop it!" Whined the carnivore man. "DIE MONSTER!" Shouted Joseph smashing a dining chair over the carnivore mans head. And so, the carnivore man died...Like the little wussy he was...

Jill stared. Joseph high fived Barry. "Did you see that?" Asked Joseph. "Yea man! Epic!" Said Barry. "We should report this to Wesker though..."

They returned to the entrance hall. "Wesker!" Shouted Barry. Wesker was no where in sight. "Maybe somthing happened to him?"
suggested Jill. Joseph sighed. "I'm out of here man..." He walked over to the doors and opened one and instantly some dogs tried pushing their way in barking. "AAAH! Back! Back you horny leg hounds!" Screamed Joseph as he forced the door closed.
Barry and Jill had already split up to search. "Guys?" called Joseph. "Hellooo?"...

XXX Chris XXX

Chris had fallen into a hole somehow while running. He was now walking through a cavern when he tripped over a corpse.
"What the hell! Who left this dead body here!" He yelled. Suddenly The corpse came to life as a carnivore man and tackled him to the ground and tried to bite him. Chris wrestled him around and finally stabbed him in the head with his survival knife. Chris ran deeper into the cave and found an elevator and took it. He now apeared to be in a dark hallway of some large mansion. "Maybe the others are here...?" Chris started walking.

END OF CHAPTER 1! Next chapter: Miss Virgin pants!