Here is the last installment. Enjoy…

Illumination: Edward's Meadow

Part III: Midnight Awakening

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she mumbled against my chest as I held her to me.

"I have human instincts – they may be buried deep. But they're there." Feelings that had been buried for a hundred years and she had unearthed them all.

I held her close, breathing in her enchanting aroma; now that I'd faced my demons and won I could appreciate a new majesty to her fragrance, a depth and intricacy that I hadn't noticed before in my need.

As the light began to fade, casting pinks and purples across the sky, twilight descended and I realized that our day was coming to an end. Bella let out a low sigh.

"You have to go," I said.

"I thought you couldn't read my mind," she teased, but with a sad tone to her voice that I didn't like to hear, even if it was because she didn't want to leave me.

"It's getting clearer." I smiled, happy that our minds were on the same track.

Reluctantly, I pulled away from her. "Can I show you something?" I was excited at the prospect of sharing another part of me and now had full confidence that I could handle it.

"Show me what?" she asked.

"I'll show you how I travel in the forest."

Bella looked wary.

"Don't worry," I reassured. "You'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster."

I couldn't let her walk the five miles back, it'd take much too long and because of Bella's scheming we had to beat Charlie home. I felt uncomfortable deceiving Chief Swan; he was her father and she was under his care. I resolved that if I were to be spending more time with Bella, Charlie would know about it.

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked skeptically.

I laughed; a huge roaring laugh. My way of travel was much more efficient than a bat! "Like I haven't heard that one before!" I retorted, though truthfully I hadn't – I wasn't in the habit of discussing vampire lore with the uninitiated.

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time," she joked.

She was stalling. "Come on, little coward, climb on my back." The words were ironic – Bella's bravery astounded me on all fronts, from her determined independence and selfless acts to the courage it took to be here with me now.

She didn't move so I reached for her and lifted her onto my back. Her heart reacted instantly to my touch. Bella wrapped her legs and arms around me and I was utterly surrounded, enveloped in her. Her heart beat a frantic rhythm against my back, so strong and vital that it felt like it was beating through my chest. Her breath whispered across the back of my neck. Her warmth radiated into me. The sensation was staggering. I took a moment to relish it. What was more astonishing was that I didn't feel a danger to her anymore, not as I had been. My love for her and this exceptional day together had cemented my resolve – the monster was nowhere inside of me.

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," she cautioned.

"Hah!" I exclaimed; she was as light as a feather on my back. I reached for her hand, bringing it to my face and inhaled deeply. "Easier all the time."

My throat burned and ached, but it was bearable, more than bearable if that's what it took to have her with me, like this. I took off at a jog, slower than my usual pace. I rejoiced in the success of the day, it had gone much better than I had dared to dream it would and now that my love was literally wrapped around me I dared to dream further. If I could cope with her around me like this – her flesh at my nose and earlier with her fingers on my lips and not feel the monster, then maybe – maybe I could… No, I couldn't, not that, it would be too risky. But my heart yearned for it, and I suspected that Bella's did too. I could offer her that, more like an ordinary boyfriend would. If I could be with her that way, if I could kiss her… My mind raced faster than my feet beneath me.

"Exhilarating isn't it?" I asked when we arrived back at the truck in no time at all. I stilled and waited for Bella to let go. She didn't move a muscle apart from her rapidly beating heart and quickened breathing. Was she alright? "Bella?"

"I think I need to lie down," she said in a small voice.

"Oh sorry," I said, not knowing what else to say. Had it been too fast for her? Had it made her dizzy?

"I think I need help," she confessed.

I chuckled. She was just a little faint, nothing to worry about really. I reached around to ease her off my back. Her limbs were easy for me to move, but I needed to remind myself how fragile she was. I turned her in my arms so that she was in a very similar position but to my front now. The embrace felt so intimate it was overwhelming. I placed her gently on the ground.

"How do you feel?"

She looked disoriented, her eyes unfocused, her body sagging, the color drained from her skin. I really did need to take better care of her. Humans weren't made for such high speeds and as I already knew Bella had a weak stomach and was prone to fainting. I had been foolish. I would be more careful next time.

"Dizzy, I think," was her slow and muddled response.

"Put your head between you knees," I advised, knowing it would help. I really hoped she wouldn't faint. She took deep breaths and her heart regained a more regular tempo.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I offered.

"No, it was very interesting."

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost – no, you're as white as me!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes," she muttered.

"Remember that next time."

"Next time!" she cried weakly.

I laughed. Yes there would be a next time if I had anything to do with it. I planned to have Bella with me and I liked speed.

"Show-off," she grumbled.

I leaned in close. "Open your eyes, Bella."

She looked at me, surprised by our closeness. I wasn't sure if she was still dizzy from the running or if she was as affected by me as I was by her, but color rose to her cheeks, her heart fluttered and her lips parted, letting out a low breath that blew softly over my face.

"I was thinking, while I was running…" I wasn't sure how to say it, I'd never done this before. I'd never wanted to.

"About not hitting trees, I hope," she retorted.

I laughed. "Silly Bella, running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about." My mind was definitely running different paths.

"Show-off," she muttered again, making me smile.

"No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try." I carefully took her face in my hands, cradling it like the most precious thing in the world; it was to me. I took a moment preparing myself for what I was about to do. I was going to kiss Bella, to place my lips on hers. The thought alone was intoxicating, interlacing with the sensory overload already at play; her warmth surrounding me, the perfume of her blood clouding in plumes around me, the hammering of her heart pounding in my ears. I could do this. I wanted it enough that I could do it and still keep her safe.

As I inclined my head towards her Bella realized my plan and held her breath. I moved slowly checking every urge, managing every impulse, apart from the pull of her sweet lips drawing me in; that impulse I gave into gladly. Bella's eyes, wide and welcoming, darted from my eyes to my lips. The anticipation was a thrill in itself. From inches away her heat radiated out to me, it felt like a caress, even before my lips met with hers.

The moment of contact. Her lips were plump silk beneath mine, molding to my shape, soft and yielding, her mouth opened slightly, breathing me in – heaven. Emotion swelled within me, emotion that could not be contained it spread through me like wildfire leaving a warm pulsing tingle in its wake; a heated current traveling through me, making my stone body feel truly alive.

The charge of that pulse was only overtaken when Bella reached for me; her arms wrapped around me, her fingers lacing in my hair pulling herself towards me. It was beautiful, to be so wanted, just like I wanted her. I found myself surrendering to the feelings within me, the feel of her around me...

It was too much.

I stilled instinctively turning to stone to stop myself from… what is it that I wanted to do? My thoughts were so incoherent I didn't know what I was thinking. Was I the monster, the predator in this moment or was I the man? I just didn't know, so I stopped. I knew how easy it would be to get lost in her and lose every shred of control I'd managed to form. I couldn't risk it; I could never lose control around her. So I pulled back reluctantly, still holding her face gently in my hands, the fire of my passion burning with the flames of my thirst.

I felt wild, feral, different instincts pulling me in different directions. My world had turned since I'd met Bella, I had a hard time figuring out which way was up, but now my world was in flames, burning so bright that even my eyes were blinded.

"Oops," she breathed.

"That's an understatement."

"Should I…?" she questioned, trying to move herself away from me. I didn't allow it. Partly because I'd clamped down my muscles to retain some control, partly because I wanted her close. I just needed to get accustomed to the feeling, to reign in the riotous emotions coursing through me.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please."

I kept my eyes focused intently on hers trying to decipher her expression as a method of distraction; bringing my thoughts back in line, my impulses under stricter check. I seemed to find myself again, my reason returning. Realizing what I'd achieved – to go so close to the brink and to bring myself back again. I could do this. I smiled. "There."

"Tolerable?" she asked. Hah, as if she could ever be only tolerable to me. I laughed.

"I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know," I explained.

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry," she murmured. It made me laugh. I may have had to hold her back, to stop where the kiss was going, wherever that was… but the fact that she wanted me, like that, knowing what I am. I could barely comprehend it.

"You are only human, after all," I chuckled.

She threw me a glare. "Thanks so much." It was adorable; the feisty kitten who thinks she's a tiger. I couldn't help but smile.

I rose, extending my hand. Bella took it with a surprised yet pleased look on her face. Yes Bella, I can touch you safely now, get used to it.

She teetered slightly as she got to her feet, I steadied her. I guessed she was still lightheaded. She was also still annoyed, so I thought some teasing was in order. "Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?"

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," she muttered. "I think it's both, though," she offered with a wry smile and crinkled brow.

"Maybe you should let me drive."

"Are you insane?" she asked.

"I can drive better than you on your best day. You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true," she conceded grudgingly. "But I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

"Some trust please, Bella." I had to ask for her trust in this – driving. How ridiculous!

She pursed her lips at me then shook her head stubbornly. "Nope. Not a chance."

Seriously?

She went to move around me, as I was blocking her way to the truck, and staggered a little. I reached around her waist to steady her again, exasperated that she still wanted to drive in her condition but enjoying the intimacy of supporting her, holding her. There was no way that I would allow her to drive.

"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight." I chuckled, thinking of the publicized human motto, "Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk."

But I sobered as I realized that she was inhaling my scent, savoring it, the look on her face…

"Drunk?" she asked incredulously.

I leaned in close, enhancing the effect. "You're intoxicated by my very presence" I breathed.

"I can't argue with that," she sighed dreamily. She reached out her hand and let her keys drop. I caught them easily. "Take it easy – my truck is a senior citizen," she grumbled, but her tone was playful.

"Very sensible."

"Are you not affected at all? By my presence?" she asked, sadness marring her features.

She really had no idea. I leaned in, slowly sweeping my lips along her jaw from her chin to her ear and back, marveling at the feel of her silken skin against my lips. She quivered beneath me, her heart flying. No, intoxicating didn't cover it, love fell short; no word in any language I knew could adequately explain my feelings for her.

"Regardless, I have better reflexes," I concluded as I pulled away unwillingly.

I held the passenger door open for her and she stepped in slightly unsteady. Our most recent interaction had not helped her dizziness any. I smiled widely. I started the truck and headed back to the freeway, driving as fast as the ancient truck would take us.

We were silent as Bella calmed her breathing. I gently took her hand placing it on the seat between us. It felt wrong not to touch her now. I trailed my thumb over her knuckles and paid very little attention to the road. I knew it by heart.

I enjoyed the quiet, I could block out the thoughts and sounds of our fellow road-users as the freeway was mostly clear. After a while I thought that some music might be pleasant. I found a station that I liked to listen to occasionally, and a familiar tune filled the cab. The sound quality was abysmal but I didn't complain this time. If we were to be together, as a couple, then I could replace this health hazard. Normal boyfriends bought their girlfriends cars, didn't they? I could take care of her.

I sang along quietly as I thought of all the ways I could lavish her with gifts. I had plenty of money, she would want for nothing – not in that way anyway. Suddenly, the reality of the things I could not give her twisted painfully in my chest. I shook the feeling off.

"You like fifties music?" she asked.

I deliberated a little then resolved to reveal a little information of my age to see how she would react.

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" They were appalling. "The eighties were bearable," I offered, feeling the oddity of describing music of the decade when Bella was born, to think I was mulling along in my insular existence caught in music and the arts, spending time with my family, whilst Bella was being brought into the world.

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" she asked uncertainly.

"Does it matter much?" I asked, wondering what fact, what snippet of information it was that would take her away from me. She had accepted so much for one day I didn't want to push it.

"No, but I still wonder… There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."

"I wonder if it would upset you," I mused. The seventeen year old boy that my body represented was hard to reconcile with my true age. I was on old man, born in a different age. I was old enough to be her great-great-great-grandfather and more.

"Try me," she insisted.

I looked into her eyes seeing the curiosity there and sighed. I could deny her nothing. And so, I told my tale.

"I was born in Chicago in 1901," I began, glancing quickly at her. Her face was composed, too composed to be her real reaction. She was getting better at hiding her reactions from me. I smiled. "Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918," I continued. The story didn't feel like my own, I remembered little and what I did know was told to me by my father. "I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza."

Bella gasped.

"I don't remember it well," I assured her. "It was a very long time ago, and human memories fade." I stopped, wondering how much to elaborate. "I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget." I thought of the searing agony of the transformation – no, not something that could be forgotten, for our kind it was often our first solid memory.

"Your parents?"

"They had already died from the disease," I stated factually. "I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."

I did not regret that Carlisle had chosen to save me – which was a worry that would creep into his mind from time to time – but I had never been thankful for it. My life had been bearable, I had adjusted my expectations and could cope with this life, but it was an empty existence with no meaning. That was something that had changed when I met Bella. I had my reason for being and I was immeasurably grateful that Carlisle had granted me immortality otherwise I would have died in that bed in 1918 and never had the chance to meet her.

"How did he… save you?"

Of course she would want to know that. "It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us…" I had a profound respect for my father. "I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history. For me, it was merely very, very painful."

I could see the questions burning in her eyes and decided to explain further, but taking the conversation away from the specifics of the process. "He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff," I censored, I would not disclose the private details of Esme's untimely death. "They brought her straight to the morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating."

"So you must be dying, then, to become…"

"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice. It is easier he says, though, if the blood is weak."

"And Emmett and Rosalie?"

"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize until much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him," I added with a frown. "He was careful with his thoughts around me. But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett." It was a relief to us in many ways that Rosalie's character was tempered by love, but Emmett had been a difficult newborn to say the least. We'd had to move regularly.

"She was hunting – we were in Appalachia at the time – and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." I had a new-found respect for my sister. I tried not to think of Bella joining me in this life, but it inevitably entered my thoughts. I knew I shouldn't want it. I didn't want it for Bella, but for myself… No, I shouldn't think that way, it would not happen because I would not allow it. Still, the thought of having to lose her... I reached out and brushed her cheek with the back of my hand that was clasped with hers, trying to bring comfort to my heart.

"But she made it," Bella persisted. I was chagrined by the optimism in her voice. Don't you dare think of that, Bella. Please.

"Yes," I answered, "she saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school," I explained, not revealing that I had lived here before. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again." I laughed. Rosalie and her weddings. Emmett went along with things to keep her happy, something I hadn't fully understood before Bella.

"Alice and Jasper?"

Now there was a different tale. "Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it," I explained carefully. "With no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another…" I struggled to find the right word for Jasper's connection with his maker, "…family. A very different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."

"Really? But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."

"That's true. She knows other things. She sees things – things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective," I elaborated. "The future isn't set in stone. Things change." I had managed to circumvent Alice's visions already.

"What kinds of things does she see?"

"She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us." An easy task for Alice when she knows what she's looking for. "She's most sensitive to non-humans," I said avoiding the word vampire, as was normal for us. "She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."

"Are there a lot of... your kind?" she asked shocked, bringing me back to the present.

"No, not many," I answered. "But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people can live together with humans for any length of time." I peeked in her direction, wondering what she was making of my blunt words. "We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live… differently tend to band together."

"And the others?"

"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across others now and then, because most of us prefer the North," I explained as I pulled up in front of her house, cutting the engine.

"Why is that?"

"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" I teased. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents?" It was a relief to be able to joke with her about these things. "There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years." I added more seriously.

"So that's where the legends come from?"

I shrugged. "Probably."

"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?"

"No, and that is a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage," I concluded.

I was silent a moment as Bella was deep in thought. The silence was broken by a rumble coming from her stomach.

"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner." I realized, now mentally kicking myself for being so careless. From recent interactions I knew that Bella ate little for lunch, but now that darkness surrounded us as we sat in the cab of her truck, I knew that it was well past her usual dinner time.

"I'm fine really."

"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forget."

"I want to stay with you," she said, longing coloring her tone.

"Can't I come in?"

"Would you like to?" She sounded surprised, an unknown emotion fleeting across her face.

"Yes, if it's all right," I said as I climbed out of the truck and went to open her door, not hiding my speed as no one else was around.

"Very human." She smiled, no doubt referring to my chivalry. It was a trait of my time more than anything else, and nothing but the respect she deserved.

"It's definitely resurfacing," I agreed. Bella brought out the best as well as the worst in me.

I kept pace with her along the path but as we got to the door I quickly retrieved the hidden key I'd seen her use before and opened the door too quick for her eyes to see.

She paused on her way in. "The door was unlocked?"

"No, I used the key from under the eave," I answered.

She flicked on the porch light, squinting slightly as she looked up at my face, eyebrows raised questioningly.

"I was curious about you," I stated, tensing for her reaction. Curious was the understatement of the century but would do for now.

"You spied on me?" she asked, a faint glimmer of a smile on her face. I'd expected anger.

"What else is there to do at night?"

She said no more and headed for the kitchen. I beat her there and sat in a chair at the table, the one I knew was usually occupied by her father. She stood stock still watching me for a long moment before busying herself with her dinner. I gathered from the look of it that it was lasagna and the smell of tomatoes and basil filled the kitchen sticking unpleasantly in my nose.

"How often?" she asked, standing with her back to me as she heated her dish in the microwave. Her tone was aiming for nonchalance, I thought. She fell short of the mark.

"Hmmm?" I questioned, as if I didn't know what she was referring to. I wanted to see her face. But she didn't turn much to my disappointment.

"How often did you come here?" she asked quietly.

Honesty. "I come here almost every night."

Now she turned and quickly. "Why?"

"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk."

"No!" she cried, blood rushing to her face, her knuckles turning white as she gripped the counter tightly as if for support.

So here was the heated reaction I'd been expecting at some point. I felt chastened by her tone. "Are you very angry with me?" I asked, knowing the current answer, but hoping for quick forgiveness as with the badminton incident. It embarrassed her when I spied, but I couldn't resist her pull, especially in her unguarded moments. I was her stalker. Did it count if I loved her, if she loved me back?

"That depends!" she blurted.

"On?"

"What you heard!" she cried.

"Don't be upset!" I begged. I stooped so that our eyes were level and held her gaze when she tried to look away.

"You miss your mother," I said quietly. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too green.'" I smiled.

"Anything else?" she questioned, her jaw tense.

I knew what she was thinking of, she dreamed of me and it was reasonable to assume that she would say something to give her away; she had on numerous occasions, much to my delight. It would also explain her acute embarrassment.

"You did say my name." I spoke softly.

Bella went a shade redder. Standing this close I could see the pulse of her blood rising in her cheeks. It had no greater effect on me than to make me want to soothe her.

"A lot?" she squeaked.

"How much do you mean by 'a lot' exactly?"

"Oh no!" she hung her head.

I pulled her to me. I knew we didn't have long as I could hear Charlie's mumbled thoughts as he drove home in the cruiser.

I bent down to whisper in her ear, "Don't be self-conscious. If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I am not ashamed of it." I yearned to be able to sleep so that I could dream of her in a reality where I was human and we could have a happy, normal life together. I ached to sleep by her side, sharing her bed and her slumber.

I held her until she heard Charlie's imminent arrival and she stiffened.

"Should your father know I'm here?"

"I'm not sure…" she struggled to answer. That was answer enough.

"Another time then…" I said and went to her room. I heard her call my name when I was already upstairs and let out a chuckle.

I settled myself on her bed now, satisfied to sit in her space. I hadn't dared to sit on the bed before. I listened to the events below. Charlie was his usual terse self in words, but he was worrying about her being alone all the time as he ate.

Bella was evidently in a hurry to finish her meal and Charlie noticed his daughter's distraction.

"In a hurry?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm tired. I'm going to bed early."

I couldn't decipher his exact thoughts but he was suspicious. "You look kinda keyed up," he observed.

"Do I?" Her voice cracked. She was scrubbing the dishes frantically from what I could hear. I hoped she didn't break anything.

"It's Saturday. No plans tonight?

"No, Dad," she sighed. "I just want to get some sleep."

"None of the boys in town your type eh?" he probed.

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." I heard the emphasis on the word boy that her father didn't notice, not that he would have known what to make of it if he had. Regardless, it was a sharp stab to think that Bella didn't want to tell her father about me.

"I thought maybe that Mike Newton… you said he was friendly."

I seethed with rage, muscles tensed. I wanted to kill that boy. I'd day-dreamed often enough of how I'd like to mangle that body of his, but to have Bella's own father suggesting that he… I growled low in my chest. I knew I was being melodramatic; everything seemed exaggerated now. But the green-eyed monster had me plainly in his sights and was painful to think of Bella being with anyone else.

Through the overwhelming fury, I heard Bella clearly, "He's just a friend, Dad."

It didn't soothe my raging thoughts any, but I tried to calm myself as Bella took leave of her father and made her way upstairs. It was a strange feeling, waiting for her in her room. I had occupied the space for many nights but not with her awake. My wrath dissipated knowing she would be with me soon. Me, not that foul boy.

I was thrilled to be in her room, not as a sinister specter passing through the night, but as her guest, her… boyfriend, or whatever I was to her. It was true that I had not been invited to her room as such, but I wasn't hiding anymore.

Bella stomped up the stairs and into her room, closing the door behind her. I looked up expectantly, but she didn't see me in the darkness and rushed to the window calling, "Edward."

"Yes?"

Her heartbeat spiked and her breath caught as she spun around, gasping in surprise. Her hand went to her throat and she sank shakily to the floor. I hadn't expected such a strong reaction; they had been so carefully guarded all day.

"I'm sorry," I said, trying to contain my amusement.

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart," she choked out.

I moved slowly, careful of surprising her again and lifted her up to sit beside me on the bed. "Why don't you sit with me," I offered, taking my hands from her sides but holding one of her hands. "How's the heart?"

"You tell me," she said dryly. "I'm sure you hear it better than I do."

I laughed quietly, my body shaking with my mirth – she was catching on.

"Can I have a minute to be human?"

"Certainly," I agreed. I had made her miss lunch already. I needed to take better care of her, to learn her human habits.

She rose, still unsteady and turned to me with a mock stern expression. "Stay," she said in her best tiger impression. It wasn't very impressive, but it was very funny. I clamped my lips together resisting the huge grin that threatened. "Yes, ma'am," I said formally and stayed as still as a statue, no difficult task for my kind.

Bella grabbed some clothing and a bag and left the room, banging doors in her wake. She wasn't usually this loud.

She went to the bathroom; I could hear running water and Bella rummaging around. She dropped something once and it seemed like she was hurrying, but it felt like she was gone an age. Sitting there in her room with only thin walls between us, hearing all her movements but not seeing her was torture. Having been so close today, the separation was almost painful.

Worse were my wayward thoughts. I found myself thinking what it would be like to join her; I wouldn't, obviously. There was a semblance of a gentleman somewhere inside of me. But my daydream took me there with her. I could hear the water of the shower hitting her bare skin and the sound of the soap as she lathered her… No! I had to stop thinking like this. I knew where such a thing would end. Remember how dangerous you are. Remember the risk you pose.

I thought I would lose my mind as I sat there waiting. It was a relief when I heard the ruffle of fabric of Bella getting dressed.

She ran down the stairs at a rate that had me fearing for her safety and wished her surprised father a rushed goodnight, serving to cultivate his suspicions rather than quell them, as was probably Bella's intention.

I felt a charge of excitement as I heard her come back upstairs. When she entered she was wearing the same threadbare t-shirt and sweatpants as the first night that I watched her sleep. My mind darted to the life-altering moment when she had uttered my name in her sleep. It had awakened my long dormant heart. She looked even more beautiful than she did to me then. I wouldn't have thought it possible.

"Nice," I breathed – a gross understatement.

She winced in response, not accepting my compliment and seemingly embarrassed by her clothing. That wouldn't do. "No, it looks good on you."

"Thanks." She smiled sheepishly as she joined me on the bed, sitting cross-legged.

"What was all that for?" I asked.

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out," she stated simply. She was right. Just as she was saying the words Charlie was out front removing the battery cables from the engine of her truck.

"Oh." I acted surprised. "Why?"

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited," she dead-panned, but her embarrassment was obvious. She worried her lip with her teeth.

I reached out and placed my finger under her chin, gently guiding her face up to mine, freeing her lip in the process. "You look very warm, actually."

I closed the distance between us, laying my cheek against hers, feeling her warmth seep into me. My throat burned and my mouth filled with venom, but my skin sought her touch more fiercely. My lips tingled in remembrance of our kiss. I wanted nothing more. Of that I was now certain.

I controlled my breathing, monitoring my every reaction. I luxuriated in our closeness, her heat, the fragrance from her skin… "Mmmmmm," I moaned in pleasure as her body reacted to my touch. I nuzzled her throat, no longer afraid. I floated; drifting away in my love for her, in the blissful feeling of her warmth against me.

"It seems to be… much easier for you, now, to be close to me," she said, bringing me back to earth.

"Does it seem that way to you?" I asked, running my cheek across her skin. I moved her still damp hair over her shoulder and kissed behind her ear; a most delicate spot.

"Much, much easier," she breathed.

"Hmm," I murmured, enjoying my new found control that allowed me to get this close, but wanting to be closer still. My fingers traced her collarbone, memorizing the shape, the texture there. Every inch of her skin was flawless, but each area had a feeling of its own, a slightly different reaction to my touch: it was fascinating.

"So I was wondering…" she began.

"Yes?"

"Why is that, do you think?" she asked, a tremble in her voice.

Why is that, I mused. Because I love you, Bella; because I can't dream of ever wanting to hurt you, no matter how much the monster in me craves your blood.

In all my long existence, I had never wanted anything or anyone in a way that I wanted Bella, every part of her. Her shy smile, her pretty blushes, her intelligent mind, her knowing looks, her pure heart and kind soul all making up the beauty that was Bella. But I thought that that truthful answer was too forceful for our very new relationship. Relationship… hm, I liked the sound of that…

"Mind over matter," I concluded.

She pulled back from me quickly, her heart hammering against her chest. I froze. What had I done wrong? Had I scared her somehow? She didn't look afraid. Maybe I was being too forward. Maybe I should not be kissing her like this… I didn't know what was normal in these situations. I just wanted to touch her. She didn't look angry at all, quite dizzy in fact. I relaxed minutely as it became clear that she wasn't running from me.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No," she whimpered, "the opposite. You're driving me crazy."

"Really?" I smiled.

"Would you like a round of applause?" she intoned sarcastically.

"I'm just pleasantly surprised," I explained. "In the last hundred years or so, I've never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with…" I faltered, not knowing how to phrase it, "… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at being with you…" I trailed off.

"You're good at everything," she retorted, clearly irked. I shrugged, laughing softly, unwilling to argue with her tonight. How could she be mad that she liked me touching her? I loved touching her, I loved her touching me, I relished anything she would offer me.

"But how can it be so easy now? This afternoon…"

"It's not easy," I admitted. My throat still burned and charred, my stomach still twisted in anticipation of a satisfaction that would never come. I now knew, with unerring certainty, that I could not harm Bella because I could not exist without her. "But this afternoon, I was still… undecided. I am sorry about that, it was unforgivable for me to behave so."

"Not unforgivable," she disputed.

"Thank you," I said sincerely. I felt the need to explain more and the shame of the words I was about to utter meant that I couldn't meet her eyes. In my cowardice I feared what I might see.

"You see, I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I picked up her hand placing it against my face, seeking comfort, though I knew I did not deserve it. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be… overcome – I was… susceptible," I explained as I drew a long breath, my nose to her wrist, to prove that I was now safe.

"Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would… that I ever could…" I struggled with the words. "Mind over matter."

"Wow, that was easy."

"Easy for you!" I corrected, a smile on my face. I reached out to lightly touch the end of her nose with the tip of my finger. But my playful humor slumped, because with all that I had achieved there would always be the threat of my vampiric instincts hanging over us. "I'm trying. If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave." – She frowned at me – "And it will be harder tomorrow – I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think."

"Don't go away, then," she said, her tone and sentiment an offering of solace and hope to my ears.

"That suits me." I smiled wistfully. "Bring on the shackles – I'm your prisoner," I said, as my hands trailed down her arms to capture her wrists, so fragile in my grasp.

"You seem more… optimistic than usual," she observed. "I haven't seen you like this before."

I'd never been like this before.

"Isn't it supposed to be like this? The glory of first love, and all that," I marveled. "It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" I thought of all the romances that I had never derived much pleasure from, I had found them boring, not being able to empathize with the characters as I didn't truly understand their feelings. The things I'd witnessed in people's heads, the things they were willing to do for love, the way it changed their reasoning – now I understood.

"Very different," she agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

"For example, the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies." Not to mention the number of human and vampire minds in which I'd witnessed the emotion, I had always found it petty. "I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…" I scowled thinking of the vacuous Newton boy thinking he was worthy of Bella. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"

"The day you started talking to me again," she said, nodding.

My expression softened. Yes, that was the day I had broken my resolve and spoken to her. Looking back now, I was glad for my weakness that day.

"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I had felt – I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care."

It was a relief to share this torment. I wanted to share things with Bella, to try to explain my abominable behavior back then. "And then the line started forming," I laughed.

Bella glared at me, reminding me of the expression she had on her face back then when her admirers were asking her out.

I still held her wrists in my hands and I rubbed circles with my thumbs. "I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.

"That was the first night I came here," I confided. "I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry." The thought of that possibility still hung over me. Sharing my fears with Bella made me feel naked before her, but I wanted her to know me.

"And then, as you were sleeping, you said my name." I said, hearing the wonder in my voice. "You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed." I put my hand on her face and looked into her eyes intently. "The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer." I waited, letting her absorb the information.

"But jealousy… it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…" I shook my head in exasperation.

"I should have known you'd be listening," she accused.

"Of course."

"That made you feel jealous, though, really?" she asked, incredulously.

"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh." Everything felt stronger for vampires, the emotions that coursed through me now that I had met Bella were extreme. The love that I felt for her could not be held in a human heart.

"But honestly," she teased, "for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie – Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie – was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that."

I wanted to laugh. Rosalie, though I had grown to love her as sister, had nothing I desired. I was surprised she'd picked up on it, but I shouldn't have been; Bella seemed to miss nothing and I could understand the jealousy in her voice. "There's no competition," I said softly. I pulled her to me – chest to chest – wrapping her warm arms around me.

"I know there's no competition," she mumbled forlornly against my chest. "That's the problem."

Oh, Bella. I was beginning to see how shortsighted she could be when it came to some things. I wished she could see herself as I saw her. "Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me."

I thought of how she'd altered me, how I'd blindly thought I didn't need a mate and how Esme's worrying had niggled at me from time to time. I had occasionally found it difficult to live with three sets of loving couples and I had to find myself an occupation in the night-time hours, often out of the house if possible. My vampire senses were curse enough – hearing thoughts could be brutal at times, and I didn't like to intrude.

"For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet," I explained softly. She was worth the wait.

"It hardly seems fair," she mused, her lips moving against my chest. "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?"

I shook my head in disbelief. "You're right. I should make this harder for you, definitely." I placed both of her wrists in one of my hands. It was easier like this, not having to worry about her actions as much. I reached up to stroke her drying hair, just like in the rain, it smelt better when it was damp and the smell of her strawberry shampoo enhanced the effect. Her hair felt soft under my fingers and I ran them through it from her head right down to her waist.

"You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on humanity…" I trailed off. I would not allow her to do that in the literal sense, but she would lose so much if she chose to be with me. "What's that worth?"

"Very little – I don't feel deprived of anything."

"Not yet," I said, trying to hide my pain. She was so young, as yet unaware of what life could hold for her. Human minds were so changeable; what she would want in a year from now, or even a month from now could be very different from what she wanted in that moment. As the grief seized me, I tried to reason that I would take what I could get; every moment she would give me, I would savor. I felt her try to pull back, but I held her fast. I needed to compose my expression before she could see me.

"What –" she began, but I cut her off. I could hear Charlie approach and I only realized at the last minute through his muted thoughts that he planned to check on Bella. I made for the corner of the room swathed in darkness where not even the light from the moon would offer any luminosity for his human eyes.

I held in my laugh as Bella almost lost her balance without me holding her up and whispered urgently, "Lie down!"

She searched for me in the darkness briefly, but lay down in her bed just in time for Charlie to peek his head through the door, casting a strip of light across the room. He was reassured by her presence, having thought that maybe she would have tried to sneak out even though he'd sabotaged her truck. I heard his thoughts quite clearly for once, Goodnight Bells.

Bella's feigned even breathing was unnaturally heavy. It made me want to laugh. I'd watched her in sleep often enough to know the difference, but her father didn't notice.

I went to her, climbing in the bed behind her and wrapping her in my arms. It was an exquisite feeling. The sensation of climbing into bed with her was indescribable. To be able do this every night… to lie beside her…

I needed to distract myself, so teasing seemed like the best option. "You are a terrible actress – I'd say that career path is out for you," I whispered in her ear.

"Darn it," she muttered dryly, but her heart was beating quickly.

I thought she would want to sleep now and so I shared with her the lullaby she had inspired by humming it softly in the darkness. I was elated at the thought of her drifting to sleep in my arms to my gentle singing, to be able to offer her such comfort, to posses such trust… I had never felt so content. Twilight had always been a melancholy time of day for me, but spending that time in Bella's company made all the difference. Now that the darkness had descended, instead of feeling the usual sadness at the ending of another empty day – I felt complete.

I paused momentarily, wondering if she would want me to do this. I had made so many decisions today without asking her, it made me feel less than gentlemanly. "Should I sing you to sleep?"

"Right," she snickered. "Like I could sleep with you here!"

"You do it all the time," I pointed out, slightly confused.

"But I didn't know you were here."

"So if you don't want to sleep…"

"If I don't want to sleep…?"

I chuckled. "What do you want to do then?"

She was silent for a moment. I allowed her time to think and tried to contain my frustration.

"I'm not sure," she answered thoughtfully.

"Tell me when you decide."

I took the time to further acquaint myself with her body; the feel of her in my arms, the scent of her skin.

"I thought you were desensitized."

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet." I inhaled deeply. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia – it's mouthwatering."

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell," she griped.

I laughed at how easily she could speak of such things and let out a heavy sigh.

"I've decided what I want to do," she said, changing the subject. "I want to hear more about you."

"Ask me anything."

She thought for a moment then asked, "Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you… are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place." From the tone of her voice I imagined the little crease between her brows.

I thought my answer through. "That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it," I explained. "The others – the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot – they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above – to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can."

She lay quiet and still for some time. I hoped that she could appreciate my efforts, at least see some virtue in my desire to be good. That desire had increased exponentially since I had met her. I had held myself above the human populace; jaded by the wearisome minds I had frequented for over eighty years. Bella, this spectacular creature – an angel housed in a delicate human body – had shown me how wrong I was.

"Did you fall asleep?" I asked quietly when she didn't speak.

"No," was her only answer. I craved to know what she was thinking, the constant question of, What does she think of me now? running through my head. "Is that all you were curious about?"

"Not quite," she quipped.

"What else do you want to know?"

"Why can you read minds – why only you? And Alice, seeing the future… why does that happen?"

I shrugged. "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory… he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified – like our minds, and out senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me." I shrugged again, I couldn't be sure. "And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."

"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"

"Carlisle brought his compassion," I said proudly. "Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness." I snorted. "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him – calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."

Again she took a moment to think before posing her next question. "So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…"

Another unknown answer. "Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal with the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"

"Let me get this straight," she muttered. "I'm the baby seal, right?"

"Right," I laughed and on impulse kissed her hair. My mood changed the moment my lips touched her. The smell was divine; the feeling of her warm silken locks against my lips heavenly. Even if I was as damned as I thought, maybe I didn't need a place in heaven if I could be at Bella's side. I sighed.

"Are you ready to sleep? Or do you have any more questions?" I knew she would.

"Only a million or two," she retorted.

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" She needed her rest. I didn't know how many 'next days' I would allow myself with Bella, but I knew I would be here for the foreseeable future; I hadn't the strength or the inclination to leave. That thought comforted me, although I knew it should not.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all." There was an edge to her voice.

"I won't leave you," I vowed. I wouldn't tonight.

"One more, then, tonight…" she said shyly.

I felt the warmth of her blush in the air. What was she thinking that would make her blush?

"What is it?" I asked, my curiosity flaring.

"No, forget it. I changed my mind."

Is she doing this on purpose?

"Bella, you can ask me anything." She still didn't answer and I could no longer suppress my groan. "I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and worse."

"I'm glad you can't hear my thoughts," she said stubbornly. "It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

"Please?" I used my most persuasive tone, regretting that she wasn't facing me as it hindered the full effect. I rolled my eyes. "If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it is. Please?"

"Well," she began.

"Yes?"

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon…" she struggled with her words. "Is that…marriage… the same as it is for humans?"

Oh. That question caught me by surprise. I paused a moment, thinking through a response; at first I was saddened that I couldn't offer her that type of relationship, but then I was overjoyed that she was thinking of me, in that way. My conversation with Emmett came floating back to me I mean if you love her… wouldn't you want to, well touch her…? I had known exactly the type of touching he meant and dismissed the idea completely. But wasn't I touching her now? In a very different way, yes, but was it that different? Maybe I could… No. I was so conflicted it was unreal; primal wants vying for satisfaction.

Somehow, I found myself me shaking with laughter. "Is that what you're getting at?"

She squirmed and I could feel her unease. "Yes, I suppose it is very much the same," I answered when my laughter was under control. "I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires." Those desires she alluded to hadn't existed in me before – they did now.

"Oh," was all she said.

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"

"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…"

I stilled, controlling my reaction. I wasn't sure what reaction that was exactly. But I was taken aback; excited, stunned, and also appalled – that was too dangerous. "I don't think that… that… would be possible for us."

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that close?"

I frowned. "That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident," I confessed. I moved my hand to caress her face delicately, minding my actions like I had explained. "If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake." I suppressed my shudder. "You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

I held my breath while I waited for her response. Her breathing was uneven and her heart beat quickly. "Are you scared?" I asked.

She didn't answer for a minute and I found myself wondering if vampires could be driven to insanity.

"No. I'm fine," she offered eventually. She didn't sound convincing but she didn't shrink from my embrace at all.

Her question triggered one of my own. I had often wondered if Bella had left anyone behind in Phoenix. I was almost afraid to ask the question, but I couldn't resist. "I'm curious now, though, have you ever…?"

"Of course not," she answered immediately. Again I felt the heat of her blush whisper against my skin. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."

She sounded offended, which had not been my intention at all. I felt the need to explain. "I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

"They do for me," she said adamantly. "Now, anyway, that they exist at all." She sighed.

I liked that all of this was new for her too; that just as much as I had never held a girl like this, Bella had never been held like this either. "That's nice," I said. "We have that one thing in common at least." It was the one area in which I was still innocent; innocent in my own actions, if not innocent of the minds of others.

"Your human instincts… Well, do you find me attractive in that way at all?" she asked.

I laughed, stroking her hair playfully. It was almost dry. Oh Bella, you have no idea what you've awoken in me.

"I may not be human," I said earnestly, "but I am a man."

She was quiet, then yawned. I reasoned that it had been a long day for her. "I've answered your questions, now you should sleep."

"I'm not sure if I can," she said, but I could hear her weariness.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, planning to return when she was asleep.

"No!" she exclaimed loud enough to draw a grunt from Charlie in his sleep. I laughed at her enthusiasm and was more than a little pleased that she wanted me to stay.

I held her as tightly as I dared as she drifted to sleep in my arms, her chest rising and falling in my embrace. Her heartbeat pulsed through me, it felt like it was my own and in a way it was.

I don't know precisely how long I held her, my perception of time lost in the exquisite feeling. But I became conscious that my touch was affecting her body temperature and so started to move away from her, very reluctantly.

She moaned softly and turned to face me wrapping her arm around my waist, sighing gently. I froze in place – she even wanted to be near me in sleep.

She breathed another quiet sigh. "Edward," she mumbled softly as she would often do in her sleep. But now she snuggled into me, her face on my chest, her hot breath literally warming my frozen heart.

"Yes love?" I whispered, stroking her hair, not expecting a response.

"Edward," she breathed dreamily, letting out a long breath, pulling herself closer to me. "I love you."

The world could have disappeared and I would not have noticed. I had no words that could express the emotions that coursed through me upon hearing those words.

There, in the small bed of the beautiful girl that I loved, I felt my life begin. There, in that midnight hour, my sun rose as Isabella Swan shone blinding light into my heart. And there, for the first time – graced with the love of an angel – I felt as though I may have a soul.

Thank you for reading, I hope that you have enjoyed my EPOV. I liked writing him so much that I'm bound to write more at some point. Please put me on author alert if you'd be interested in reading it. Also, if you would be so kind as to leave a review it would be much appreciated – this newbie needs some feedback please.

To some ladies on Twitter who have been wonderful in supporting this little story – ange_de_laube, sscana, odiejae, ladymystyque, gwenap and hongkongfooey73 to name a few – thank you so much. Also, thanks to songster for inspiration for the title of this chapter.

Thanks to Project Team Beta for editing.

Rhian

xx